Jeff Wolfsberg is an expert in teens and drug education, prevention and intervention. What I really like about his approach is his realistic understanding about the complexities that parents and teens face… he doesn’t take things at face value, but gets to the heart of the matter. Maybe that’s because he’s a tough one to fool; you see, he’s been there. He was his high school class president, student council president…. and addicted to crack at 23. Jeff is an internationally known speaker in drug education and I offer you this clip as an introduction to him. Visit his website at JeffWolfsberg.com.

This is a guest post by Jan Stewart and Karen Scibinico.

With the school year just beginning, how confident are you that your teen has the organizational skills necessary to manage his/her workload and belongings successfully?
Is your teen :
• Able to find things when needed?
• Get school assignments completed ahead of time?
• Tote the necessary things to school so you don’t receive calls requesting a drop off of forgotten items?

If you answered yes, to these questions, congratulations! Your teen is positioned for success. However, most teens need a little encouragement to start practicing habits that will help them better manage life’s day- to -day tasks now and in the future.

The best way that a parent can help is to model desired behavior. If you want your child to be on time, make sure you are on time, especially for activities that involve your teen. If you want your teen to have an orderly room, make sure that you create order in the rest of the home. If you want your teen to plan schoolwork assignments to avoid a last minute crunch, make sure you do the same. How many of us are scurrying around in April to get our tax returns complete before the April 15th deadline?

Find a calm moment to talk with your teen about getting more organized. Remember to have realistic expectations. While you may be a “neatnik” or the consummate organizer and planner, your teen may not feel comfortable trying to emulate your style and may not need to become a perfectionist in order to be more productive. Help your teen develop an organizational process that matches his/her personality and style. Begin with small steps.

The beginning of the school year is a great time to start the process. Work together with your teen to sort through your teen’s belongings and make sure that needed items are in good shape. Discard outgrown, worn out or duplicate articles and clothing. Create spaces for your teen’s belongings. Make or purchase containers and put like items together. It’s a lot easier to put things away when they have a designated home. Otherwise, closets, space under beds and drawers can become a scary mix of unrelated unknowns.

Does your teen have all the recommended school supplies? One of the most valuable tools is an assignment notebook. In addition to homework, your teen can make notations about things to remember or items needed. Create a location where all school-related supplies are kept. Every night, make sure that backpacks and school work are ready to go for the morning. Have your teen check the assignment notebook to make sure he or she is ready for the next day.

Encourage your teen by noticing progress and giving a word of praise. Provide an occasional reward for a job well done. Once your teen has become more organized, confidence will grow, stress will be reduced, and productivity will increase. The time saved can be spent on other activities, including relaxing and having fun.

For more information on this topic, Julie Morgenstern and her daughter, Jessi Morgenstern-Colon, have written a great book “Organizing from the Inside Out for Teenagers: The Foolproof System for Organizing Your Room, Your Time, Your Life”.

Jan Stewart and Karen Scibinico are partners in a company called, Emerge – Opt to Succeed. They teach a seminar entitled “Increase Your Productivity, Improve Your Organizational Skills” and work with teens to help them discover ways to better manage their time. Consult their web site www.emergewithcoaching.com for more information.

Teenagers are famous for their moody ups and downs. In your home do you experience the occasional slammed door, teary outburst or angry shout? It is all part of family life. Let’s set your expectations about what is “normal” and typical for teen behavior and moods, so that you’ll have a perspective on it and still be able to keep communication open, enhance your relationship and find creative and helpful ways to support your teen.

Teens’ emotions are intense. There has been a tremendous amount of research in the area of teens’ developing brains, and today we know that some information that adults process logically, teens process in the emotional center of their brains.  Teens filter their perceptions, responses, and evaluations through their emotions, and they feel their emotions at twice the intensity that adults do. The emotional rollercoaster ride you witness is not your imagination….this is perfectly “normal” for teens.

Intense feelings may cause some teens to spend more time behind closed doors, communicate with you less, and spend more time with their peers – who feel like they do. Some teens withhold information from parents so they maintain a sense of power… helping them to feel independent. While this behavior may be typical, it can complicate your families’ dynamics and your ability to keep communication open. And communication is the key to your success as you guide child away from risky behavior and toward the values and activities you want to teach.

If you find your teen’s mood swings impacting family dynamics, here are some tips for parents/care givers:

• As best you can, try to be a calming influence when your teen is highly emotional.

• Make sure your responses help move you toward a solution and don’t escalate the problem.

• Come back to address the situation or discussion later when emotions are less intense.

• Put yourself in his shoes. Appreciate the fact that your teenager is responding to situations from the perspective of someone who has far less experience than you do. A bad test grade or a break up with a friend can feel like a lay-off or divorce would feel to you.

• Empathize with him; let him know you support him.

If your teen’s behavior and moods are shutting down communication between you and you have reason to be concerned, it may be time to activate your network. Touch base with the important adults in your teen’s life – guidance counselors, teachers, coaches, family members, friends, faith leaders…. Other people who have a relationship with your teen. You can do this in appropriate ways that don’t send out red flags, and you’re sure to gain a different view of your teen.  Frankly, it’s a good idea to plan to do this periodically anyway, so that you have relationships with people who can be called upon to give helpful guidance to you or your teen should the need arise.

I’m on vacation until August 12, and am re-posting this article because it’s an old favorite – and true – story.

My 15 year old daughter was being dropped off as a guest at a friend’s pool/athletic club. I walked her to the front desk where she signed in, and she was asked to fill out a card with her contact information. At the bottom of the form there were two boxes, labeled “child” and “adult,” and she was expected to check off one of them. She looked at me and asked “What am I?”

That’s a great question from the mind of a 15-year old! They surely don’t feel like children, but few grown-ups would call them “adult.” They truly are neither. Mary Pipher in her classic “Reviving Ophelia” states this well. She says “Adolescents are travelers, far from home with no native land, neither children, nor adults…They don’t really fit in anywhere. There’s a yearning for place, a search for solid ground.”

We adults can gain so very much by trying to put ourselves in the shoes of our teenager. When you look at your teen’s world from inside of his/her shoes, what do you see? Do you see parents who understand her fears, vulnerabilities and sensitivities? Do you see close friends with whom he can share his feelings? Do you feel support and unconditional love? Is it expressed often? How about pressure…. Is home a safe haven away from pressure, or is it yet another source of stress from your teenager’s point of view? Ask yourself these questions and be honest in your answers. Then ask your teen and compare the answers.

Do this periodically; check-ins like this will help keep you right on track and let your teen know that home is where s/he’ll find the solid ground s/he can count on.

I was saddened as I sat in a movie theater last weekend; well, “horrified” might be a bit more truthful.  I can choose the movie I see, but I can’t choose the previews I’m forced to sit through. And the previews were so violent and over-the-top in their sensory stimulation I literally had to cover my eyes at times.   Now, I will admit to you that my taste in entertainment runs to the conservative side, and sometimes my kids laugh at me about my wimpishness… but few parents with young teens would have found much of value in anything on that screen. If this is the best our movie industry can do…. it was a sad example of our contemporary culture.

Contrast this with my current audiobook companion, Experience the Power of Grace by Cheryl Richardson.  Richardson offers a unique example of a cultural diet – she rarely watches the news or reads the newspaper.  Rather, she selectively and intentionally chooses the media, information and experiences she allows in,  choosing them on their merits as soul-food.  If they don’t nourish her soul or support her in her “journey to consciousness,” she doesn’t waste her time.  Interesting contrast to what I saw on the big movie screen, and it got me thinking about what we allow ourselves to consume. We do have choices in the matter.

Richardson brings up an important question that is a good one for parents of teenagers to consider:  what does your teenager’s cultural diet consist of? Does it overload him with stimulation, ultimately desensitizing him to his feelings and internal self? Or is there a healthy balance?

My daughter was not a vegetable eater growing up and in numerous discussions with the pediatrician over the years, I was counseled to view her diet on a weekly basis, rather than a daily one. Our doctor’s even-keeled approach helped avoid fights that would lead to self-defeating results.  I’ve learned to take a similar attitude in regards to many issues in raising my kids. Rather than imposing a complete ban on all cultural influences that I felt were unhealthy for them,  we’d more often go with the flow and make choices and decisions as it seemed appropriate.  And without really thinking about it, the experience of over-stimulation from a heavy-duty scary movie was more often than not balanced by quiet time.  Over the course of a week, balance was usually achieved because of my kids’ natural interests.

Think about it: what are the activities and experiences that provide a healthy counter-balance to the more worrisome cultural inputs your teen ingests? What might some of those soothing activities be?  Quiet time. Time outside in nature. Spiritual resources and connections are an important part of their diet. You probably don’t need to shove this down their throats, but rather acting as “facilitator” you can make sure that they get the trip to the beach, the hike in the mountains, and the lazy day off.  Leave the i-pod in the car and suggest they listen for the birds and the wind in the trees.  And don’t forget a visit inside a house of God that will also soothe the soul.

Time outside in nature serves as a major spiritual connection for many of us.  It soothes our psyche and our soul. The miracles that abound there give us peace, perspective and a sense of eternity that reaches us on many levels.  My 24 year old finds such joy in being outdoors he camps out in the Colorado wilderness in all seasons.  It’s his perfect antidote to a high-pressure demanding world, and it helps him stay centered.  (This photo from a winter camping trip came sailing across my screen yesterday…now is that the picture of joy?!)

Even if your teens are spending time ingesting media you don’t like or understand, you can help them find balance by looking at their spectrum of activities over the course of a week.  Do all that you can to make sure they get a varied diet:  some down time, some time in nature, some time to reflect and develop their inner and spiritual world.

And make sure you get yours, too.

Here’s a short video I shot with a veteran parent….that is what I call one who has raised a teenager or two and lived to tell about it. I asked my favorite question: “If you could do it all again, what would you do differently?” Good food for thought for those of you still raising your teens…