One mom in my group call last night who has two young teen boys said “Technology is the only thing we fight about. And we’re fighting about it all the time!” Parents of teens today are dealing with what feels like an immersion in a foreign tech-based world, and figuring out how to parent teens in this strange land feels very difficult to many.

Why is this difficult for many parents? There are many reasons… not the least of which is many of today’s parents are intimidated by technology and feeling behind the curve. It can be overwhelming to view the tsunami of tech toys one doesn’t know how to use, to deal with the incessant onslaught of information that makes you feel constantly behind, and try to promote and teach balance to a tech-addicted teen. Nothing about this is particularly easy on the surface… but when you dig down you’ll see that the basics of good parenting apply here, and a sense of overwhelm, intimidation and fear can work against you.

Anne Collier provides some of the most intelligent and balanced advice for parents. She runs NetFamilyNews.org – “Kid-tech news for parents,” insightful and smart commentary for us all. She says parents’ fear of technology, or fear of their kids’ use of it is what creates problems. “Fear is bad. Fear increases risk.” When parents are living in fear it shuts down communication… and that is when kids will go into “stealth mode” where they can be at greater risk.

Your attitude matters a lot, and I recommend you begin by becoming more informed. One of the best ways to do this is to view the 90 minute PBS special Digital Nation. It is extremely well done and worth your time. Over the next few weeks I will continue to refer to the thought-provoking commentary and share video snippits from this program in the hopes that it will inform your actions and attitudes and generate helpful discussion here.

The video below is a clip from the “Relationships” area of Digital Nation website with sensible, helpful – and non-intimidating advice for parents. One of the things that strikes me about Anne Collier’s comments in the video is her sensible and reasonable approach – the same attitude and approach that will benefit parents. She says we must apply the same good parenting principles that we apply in everyday life to our kids’ online life. We don’t just abandon our kids at the internet door.

Don’t be fearful; don’t allow yourself to be intimidated. Reframe your approach and let your curiousity and open mind guide you.
I’d love to hear your comments and thoughts.

Anne Collier video:

Last week the Kaiser Family Foundation released data that seemed to shock adults, stating that kids 8 – 18 spend more than 7 1/2 hours plugged in to entertainment media daily. It is interesting to consider this figure while looking at another report that polled parents on the role of technology in education, which puts a different perspective on this subject entirely. And it indicates that parents value technology and want their kids to engage with it in the classroom. [Should we dig in to the distinction between technology used for "entertainment" vs for educational purposes? I think not... it's the same technology and with everyone multi-tasking it seems a bit like splitting hairs. Well, maybe it's not "splitting hairs' if you are trying to get your son to complete his homework, but for this discussion it is!]

Learning in the 21st Century: Parents’ Perspectives, Parents’ Priorities, was released by Blackboard K-12 and Project Tomorrow in March 2009. Data was collected from more than 21,000 parents of K-12 students, 218,000 students and over 3100 administrators across a broad socio-economic spectrum. In this report, parents, educators and students make it very clear that more technology is better, and 80% of parents in this broad-based study think that students are not spending enough time using technology in education. Only one third of parents responding in the survey felt their child’s school was doing a good job of preparing students for the 21st century. They feel schools need to do a better job integrating technology throughout the learning environment. Complaints range from schools not placing the right emphasis on technology to unacceptable quality of hardware and software. Only one third of parents feel that teachers’ skills in using technology are acceptable.

How are your teens using technology in school? Have them show you what they are learning and how technology is playing a role in their education. Make sure you go to the open house at school and are aware of the way technology is being used at the school. It’s changing quickly and parents need to invest time to understand the value and implications of how your teen’s education is evolving with the times.

Mobile technology opens new doors: The study highlights rather different values and priorities between students and parents in regard to mobile devices. While there is some agreement that mobile technology devices (smart phones, PDAs and MP3 players etc.) can help a child’s education by improving communication, preparing students for the world of work and helping to increase student engagement, students place a much higher value on its utilization than parents. Students express a desire to be untethered from the classroom, wanting to be “free agent learners”, in control of their own education. They see mobile technology as bringing them the opportunity to get beyond the school walls, to engage in experiential, collaborative and participatory learning. Indeed, these are some of the big buzz words in education today, and this kind of learning is infinitely more possible now precisely because of mobile devices, applications and tools.

At this time parents typically use mobile devices less than their kids do, and the writers of the study expect that as parents’ use of such devices increase they will more fully see the potential of this technology as having a positive impact on students and learning. What may not be obvious to you now is likely to become more clear when you gain familiarity with what mobile devices can do for you. When you do, you can see new possibilities and understand better what your kids are experiencing.

If it makes you feel better, I too, am new with these devices. I took the plunge by getting an i-phone at Christmastime, and I’ll tell you honestly – I LOVE it! I’m amazed at the apps that are available to me – and many of them truly do make my life easier! And the only way I can really appreciate how communication and education are changing with these devices is to immerse myself. While it takes precious time, it’s time well spent – especially if you are raising teenagers.

*over 21,000 parents responded to this national survey

Jeff Wolfsberg is an expert in teens and drug education, prevention and intervention. What I really like about his approach is his realistic understanding about the complexities that parents and teens face… he doesn’t take things at face value, but gets to the heart of the matter. Maybe that’s because he’s a tough one to fool; you see, he’s been there. He was his high school class president, student council president…. and addicted to crack at 23. Jeff is an internationally known speaker in drug education and I offer you this clip as an introduction to him. Visit his website at JeffWolfsberg.com.

Has your teen gone off to college this fall? How are you feeling about this change? This event can generate a wide range of feelings and, frankly many parents struggle a bit. Let’s put a spotlight on this transition and consider your actions and feelings.

Feel your feelings: What’s most important first is to validate your feelings…whatever they are.  Because whatever you are feeling about this is okay. After your college student leaves some parents feel relieved after a summer filled with probably too-much-tension. Some may feel like celebrating; that’s okay too! Some of you are feeling lonely and sad, missing your child, painfully aware of the fact that this is one major step toward him really leaving home. And others are simply worried about your teen’s adjustment which may not be going smoothly. All of these feelings – and others – are legitimate and acceptable. Have at it.… feel those feelings… even if it hurts.

Transitions require time: Life’s transitions offer us opportunities for growth. They push us out of our comfort zone and force us to find a new way of being. This process isn’t always fun, but it usually brings us to a better place. Parents whose kids have just left for college are going through one of the biggest transitions of all. So give yourself a break if your emotions are feeling raw, or inconsistent, or intense.

William Bridges is a recognized expert in transitions and has written numerous books about the subject. I’ve been a fan of his work for years and have been certified by his organization in “managing the human side of change.” Parents of teenagers, and teens themselves, deal with practically un-ending change, so this topic is highly relevant. Bridges’ work on transition emphasizes the fact that change is an event and transition is a process that takes place over time. In this case the event happened the day your teen left for college, but your transition began before high school graduation and may continue yet for a while. It is helpful to understand that transitions happen on their own time frame.

Central to Bridges’ work is what he calls the neutral zone. The neutral zone is the time period after one event/situation has ended and before the next has settled in. You are in the neutral zone when you have let go of the last trapeze, but you haven’t yet caught the next one; it’s Linus with his blanket in the dryer; and it’s you while you are getting adjusted to a new family situation. Adapting to your teen being away can be a neutral zone experience as you try to adjust to a new normal.

The neutral zone can be an uncomfortable place to be. Here, things feel unfamiliar; life is different and you feel as though you have lost your points of reference. It may be a painful, terrifying even,  place to be. And yet it is rich with opportunity for personal growth.

A neutral zone experience opens up new possibilities. It can initiate creativity and innovation. It is a catalyst – forcing you to find new relationships and new answers. The neutral zone must be fully experienced, however, to reap these rewards.  You can’t hurry through it or short-circuit the process.

Go slowly during this transition; be present to your feelings even if they are uncomfortable. Consider the best outcomes possible from this new family dynamic. Give it time for things to settle. Be creative and hopeful … and a new way of being will emerge.  (Read additional suggestions in 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens “Give Things Time to Settle During Times of Transition.”):

Help your teen gain independence: Each child who goes away to college experiences their own transition differently, and most experience rather dramatic ups and downs. The best way you can support your teen is to facilitate his transition into his new life, and this probably means helping him be independent.

Dr Michael Jellineck is a Boston area adolescent psychiatrist who notes that teens and their parents manage their feelings very differently. On some level, this change may feel like a loss to both you and your teen. Jellineck says teenagers tend to express a sense of bravado to cover up for feelings of loss, while parents tend to hold on as long as possible. This tells us how easy it can be to misinterpret what your teenager is saying… she may be more tender than she is demonstrating. What’s important to remember is regardless of how much you want to be needed, your most helpful actions should be toward boosting her/his capabilities and confidence.

How you do this will vary with each child. This generation of college students has been accused of being too connected to their parents at home, often calling on their cell phones in-between each class. One needs to ask the question: When is your teen too connected? I can think of one young woman who was terribly homesick when she first went away to school. She needed her parents’ regular support and connection; to have deprived her of that would have been cruel. But other teens may remain tightly connected out of fear, or laziness, or not knowing how to integrate in at school. In these cases you may want to gently coach your college student to call home less, not more. It’s important for their focus to be on their college connections and experiences. And even if this feels unsatisfying to you it’s more important to focus on what is best for them.  Remember….independence is the goal.

Send your love: Preparing a care package can be a satisfying way to expend your energy. Whether it’s home baked goods, a special funny photo album of the precious pet he left behind, a poem from each family member, or a bulletin board with some family photos, send along something special from home. Even the most confident sounding student wants to know he is missed and needs the soft reminders from home. And expending your energy in this way can help you feel better.

My daughter’s whole group of friends from high school was very tight and the parents enjoyed one another as well. When the group of girls spread out at various colleges as freshmen, the moms had fun sending care packages to all the girls.  One mom sent stationery, another sent Halloween decorations for their rooms, another sent kites; the moms even got together before Christmas and had a cookie bake, sending a special package of cookies to each girl.

Prepare for the “Dump Call”: For most of us, there comes a time when you receive a phone call from an upset and unhappy college kid. There is drama and tears and frankly, it is torture for a distant parent. Your teen tells you she hates school, she hates her roommate, she misses home and everything is going badly. But here’s the thing to remember: in many cases, after your college student has dumped her load of misery on you, she’ll get a good night sleep and the next day yawns bright and full of possibility. She’ll make a new friend, get invited to a party, get busy with schoolwork and completely forget that she left you in a pile of worry and misery.

So parents, be prepared for this. The best advice for the “dump call” is to expect it, recognize it when it comes, and retain some detachment. You will need that perspective to be able to determine your best response. You will have to remain objective to judge how real and serious the problems are, or if this is a passing situation. Some situations will be helped by your intervention, but in most cases your strategy should be around coaching your college student to discover her own best answers.

This is a tender time for you as your family-left-at-home reorganizes and adjusts to this big change. Your dinner table conversation may feel a little flat as you feel the ache in your heart missing your eldest. Take a deep breath and center yourself. You have entered a new phase of your family’s life, and you’ll all figure it out. And all is as it is supposed to be.

This is a guest post by Jan Stewart and Karen Scibinico.

With the school year just beginning, how confident are you that your teen has the organizational skills necessary to manage his/her workload and belongings successfully?
Is your teen :
• Able to find things when needed?
• Get school assignments completed ahead of time?
• Tote the necessary things to school so you don’t receive calls requesting a drop off of forgotten items?

If you answered yes, to these questions, congratulations! Your teen is positioned for success. However, most teens need a little encouragement to start practicing habits that will help them better manage life’s day- to -day tasks now and in the future.

The best way that a parent can help is to model desired behavior. If you want your child to be on time, make sure you are on time, especially for activities that involve your teen. If you want your teen to have an orderly room, make sure that you create order in the rest of the home. If you want your teen to plan schoolwork assignments to avoid a last minute crunch, make sure you do the same. How many of us are scurrying around in April to get our tax returns complete before the April 15th deadline?

Find a calm moment to talk with your teen about getting more organized. Remember to have realistic expectations. While you may be a “neatnik” or the consummate organizer and planner, your teen may not feel comfortable trying to emulate your style and may not need to become a perfectionist in order to be more productive. Help your teen develop an organizational process that matches his/her personality and style. Begin with small steps.

The beginning of the school year is a great time to start the process. Work together with your teen to sort through your teen’s belongings and make sure that needed items are in good shape. Discard outgrown, worn out or duplicate articles and clothing. Create spaces for your teen’s belongings. Make or purchase containers and put like items together. It’s a lot easier to put things away when they have a designated home. Otherwise, closets, space under beds and drawers can become a scary mix of unrelated unknowns.

Does your teen have all the recommended school supplies? One of the most valuable tools is an assignment notebook. In addition to homework, your teen can make notations about things to remember or items needed. Create a location where all school-related supplies are kept. Every night, make sure that backpacks and school work are ready to go for the morning. Have your teen check the assignment notebook to make sure he or she is ready for the next day.

Encourage your teen by noticing progress and giving a word of praise. Provide an occasional reward for a job well done. Once your teen has become more organized, confidence will grow, stress will be reduced, and productivity will increase. The time saved can be spent on other activities, including relaxing and having fun.

For more information on this topic, Julie Morgenstern and her daughter, Jessi Morgenstern-Colon, have written a great book “Organizing from the Inside Out for Teenagers: The Foolproof System for Organizing Your Room, Your Time, Your Life”.

Jan Stewart and Karen Scibinico are partners in a company called, Emerge – Opt to Succeed. They teach a seminar entitled “Increase Your Productivity, Improve Your Organizational Skills” and work with teens to help them discover ways to better manage their time. Consult their web site www.emergewithcoaching.com for more information.

Teenagers are famous for their moody ups and downs. In your home do you experience the occasional slammed door, teary outburst or angry shout? It is all part of family life. Let’s set your expectations about what is “normal” and typical for teen behavior and moods, so that you’ll have a perspective on it and still be able to keep communication open, enhance your relationship and find creative and helpful ways to support your teen.

Teens’ emotions are intense. There has been a tremendous amount of research in the area of teens’ developing brains, and today we know that some information that adults process logically, teens process in the emotional center of their brains.  Teens filter their perceptions, responses, and evaluations through their emotions, and they feel their emotions at twice the intensity that adults do. The emotional rollercoaster ride you witness is not your imagination….this is perfectly “normal” for teens.

Intense feelings may cause some teens to spend more time behind closed doors, communicate with you less, and spend more time with their peers – who feel like they do. Some teens withhold information from parents so they maintain a sense of power… helping them to feel independent. While this behavior may be typical, it can complicate your families’ dynamics and your ability to keep communication open. And communication is the key to your success as you guide child away from risky behavior and toward the values and activities you want to teach.

If you find your teen’s mood swings impacting family dynamics, here are some tips for parents/care givers:

• As best you can, try to be a calming influence when your teen is highly emotional.

• Make sure your responses help move you toward a solution and don’t escalate the problem.

• Come back to address the situation or discussion later when emotions are less intense.

• Put yourself in his shoes. Appreciate the fact that your teenager is responding to situations from the perspective of someone who has far less experience than you do. A bad test grade or a break up with a friend can feel like a lay-off or divorce would feel to you.

• Empathize with him; let him know you support him.

If your teen’s behavior and moods are shutting down communication between you and you have reason to be concerned, it may be time to activate your network. Touch base with the important adults in your teen’s life – guidance counselors, teachers, coaches, family members, friends, faith leaders…. Other people who have a relationship with your teen. You can do this in appropriate ways that don’t send out red flags, and you’re sure to gain a different view of your teen.  Frankly, it’s a good idea to plan to do this periodically anyway, so that you have relationships with people who can be called upon to give helpful guidance to you or your teen should the need arise.

I’m on vacation until August 12, and am re-posting this article because it’s an old favorite – and true – story.

My 15 year old daughter was being dropped off as a guest at a friend’s pool/athletic club. I walked her to the front desk where she signed in, and she was asked to fill out a card with her contact information. At the bottom of the form there were two boxes, labeled “child” and “adult,” and she was expected to check off one of them. She looked at me and asked “What am I?”

That’s a great question from the mind of a 15-year old! They surely don’t feel like children, but few grown-ups would call them “adult.” They truly are neither. Mary Pipher in her classic “Reviving Ophelia” states this well. She says “Adolescents are travelers, far from home with no native land, neither children, nor adults…They don’t really fit in anywhere. There’s a yearning for place, a search for solid ground.”

We adults can gain so very much by trying to put ourselves in the shoes of our teenager. When you look at your teen’s world from inside of his/her shoes, what do you see? Do you see parents who understand her fears, vulnerabilities and sensitivities? Do you see close friends with whom he can share his feelings? Do you feel support and unconditional love? Is it expressed often? How about pressure…. Is home a safe haven away from pressure, or is it yet another source of stress from your teenager’s point of view? Ask yourself these questions and be honest in your answers. Then ask your teen and compare the answers.

Do this periodically; check-ins like this will help keep you right on track and let your teen know that home is where s/he’ll find the solid ground s/he can count on.

I was saddened as I sat in a movie theater last weekend; well, “horrified” might be a bit more truthful.  I can choose the movie I see, but I can’t choose the previews I’m forced to sit through. And the previews were so violent and over-the-top in their sensory stimulation I literally had to cover my eyes at times.   Now, I will admit to you that my taste in entertainment runs to the conservative side, and sometimes my kids laugh at me about my wimpishness… but few parents with young teens would have found much of value in anything on that screen. If this is the best our movie industry can do…. it was a sad example of our contemporary culture.

Contrast this with my current audiobook companion, Experience the Power of Grace by Cheryl Richardson.  Richardson offers a unique example of a cultural diet – she rarely watches the news or reads the newspaper.  Rather, she selectively and intentionally chooses the media, information and experiences she allows in,  choosing them on their merits as soul-food.  If they don’t nourish her soul or support her in her “journey to consciousness,” she doesn’t waste her time.  Interesting contrast to what I saw on the big movie screen, and it got me thinking about what we allow ourselves to consume. We do have choices in the matter.

Richardson brings up an important question that is a good one for parents of teenagers to consider:  what does your teenager’s cultural diet consist of? Does it overload him with stimulation, ultimately desensitizing him to his feelings and internal self? Or is there a healthy balance?

My daughter was not a vegetable eater growing up and in numerous discussions with the pediatrician over the years, I was counseled to view her diet on a weekly basis, rather than a daily one. Our doctor’s even-keeled approach helped avoid fights that would lead to self-defeating results.  I’ve learned to take a similar attitude in regards to many issues in raising my kids. Rather than imposing a complete ban on all cultural influences that I felt were unhealthy for them,  we’d more often go with the flow and make choices and decisions as it seemed appropriate.  And without really thinking about it, the experience of over-stimulation from a heavy-duty scary movie was more often than not balanced by quiet time.  Over the course of a week, balance was usually achieved because of my kids’ natural interests.

Think about it: what are the activities and experiences that provide a healthy counter-balance to the more worrisome cultural inputs your teen ingests? What might some of those soothing activities be?  Quiet time. Time outside in nature. Spiritual resources and connections are an important part of their diet. You probably don’t need to shove this down their throats, but rather acting as “facilitator” you can make sure that they get the trip to the beach, the hike in the mountains, and the lazy day off.  Leave the i-pod in the car and suggest they listen for the birds and the wind in the trees.  And don’t forget a visit inside a house of God that will also soothe the soul.

Time outside in nature serves as a major spiritual connection for many of us.  It soothes our psyche and our soul. The miracles that abound there give us peace, perspective and a sense of eternity that reaches us on many levels.  My 24 year old finds such joy in being outdoors he camps out in the Colorado wilderness in all seasons.  It’s his perfect antidote to a high-pressure demanding world, and it helps him stay centered.  (This photo from a winter camping trip came sailing across my screen yesterday…now is that the picture of joy?!)

Even if your teens are spending time ingesting media you don’t like or understand, you can help them find balance by looking at their spectrum of activities over the course of a week.  Do all that you can to make sure they get a varied diet:  some down time, some time in nature, some time to reflect and develop their inner and spiritual world.

And make sure you get yours, too.