Motherhood is wonderful. Motherhood is hard. Motherhood is…. fill in the blank. It is many things. My Mother’s Day Essay/Letter contest gave me a glimpse into the lives of numerous mothers of teenagers, and I am humbled. I heard from moms who have teenagers with mental illness, moms who are recovering from brain surgery, moms who are dealing with teens caught breaking the law…. the real issues that you all are juggling take my breath away. And yet, here you all are, expressing your love for your teenagers so you could share your letter with them on Mother’s Day.

Before I share the two “winning” letters, I want to share excerpts from other moms’ letters. The assignment was: Write an [open] letter to your teenager(s) about what you have learned from being his/her parent and how this has made you a grow into a better person. And look at all the wonderful ways these moms have been expanded and stretched from raising their teenagers:

• “Thank you for showing me how to look at the big picture and not get tangled in all the details of life.”
• “Thank you for showing me how to let go and laugh at silly things in everyday life.”
• “You have made me a better person just by the joy I receive from parenting you.”
• “Through of all of life’s challenges you both show me how to forge ahead, laugh, sing and dance. Thank you for being my treasures.”
• “You have helped me to think outside of the box and to realize that sometimes there is more than one answer.”
• “…you have helped me to better understand how to stand up for myself and to realize a lot of things I have forgotten over the years.”
• “You model for me grace and a strong sense of self.”
• “From you I have learned how to not back away from a challenge. You’ve shown me how to dig deep and not give up.”
• “From you I have learned a sense of beauty for the natural world around me.”

There are two winning essays. The first is written by Carolyn Boatner:

My Dear Adam,
In this dance called life, I have been blessed to have you as one of my partners. We have been movers and shakers to many rhythms together. Some have been harmonious, others have not. We have ricocheted between leading and following. And all in all, we have laughed and loved and grown together.
Parenthood is a journey that has lead to some of the most amazing vistas in creation. I have watched you transition from a tiny tow-headed toddler to a young man with facial hair. Not just your voice has deepened, but the thoughts and expressions that drive it have too! The stitches have healed, the casts have come off and all have left behind the scars of childhood that illustrate an adventurous spirit and curious mind.

I love you Adam Boatner. I love the light in your eyes. I love your ability to debate with such knowledge. I love your compassion. I love your depth. I love your ability to take on a subject and hold on with the tenacity of a pit bull. I love that you cook. I love that you are sensitive. I love that you wonder and question. I love that you sing beautifully. I love that you are exploring new paths for yourself. I love that you support me and hug me. You are a winner. Don’t let the tough crap in life seep in your soul and destroy the best parts of you. Don’t make dangerous decisions that will derail your life’s path—whatever that path may be. Don’t let ignorant people imperil you and sway you to do the wrong thing. You are better than that Adam. I am here for you in the darkest moments and in the brightest lights.

Thanks for the dance my dear son. Thanks for teaching me that the rhythm doesn’t have to be predictable to be fun. Thanks for reminding me that laughter and sorrow can bring cleansing tears. Thanks for forgiving me when I stepped on your toes. May our dance cards never be too full for one another!
Love,
Mom

And our second winner is offered by Pamela:

Dear Peanut,
When your father and I planned your existence, we considered all the details of parenthood and went forth with complete confidence that we would certainly do a better job than our parents did! After you were born I read every book ever written about baby care and child development including Your Child Age __(one book for each year!).

Then came your teenage years. I discovered that the library did not have a book for each challenge you presented. Your creativity for new and astounding behaviors was boundless. My patience and temper were not! Then one day you were diagnosed with a mental illness and our world imploded.

While other families were planning which college to send their darlings off to, we were wondering if you would be able to graduate from high school. While other parents complained about their kids missing curfew by a few minutes, I was happy to see you arrive safely home. Over the months since your diagnosis I have learned the most important lesson a parent can learn – LOVE YOUR CHILD! That is the gift I try to give you every day even when it feels as if the rest of the world is saying you are not lovable.

Your gift to me has been to make me fearless. I see now how foolish it is to spend time worrying about the little stuff. And that includes everything from what you are wearing to what college you go to, or even if you go at all. Your continued existence is reward enough for my efforts. Your smile and silly sense of humor bring joy beyond any GPA or class ranking.

I applaud you for working so hard to make each day a success. I am awed by your strength and resilence. You have suffered greatly when teachers and best friends failed to understand the impact of a brain disorder. You have called them on their callousness and modeled how to be a better human being. I am your fan for life.
Love,
Mom

This Mothers Day I invite you to think about what your teenagers have taught you and how they have made you a better person. I’m running an “essay” contest with prizes … here’s all you need to do:

Write an [open] letter to your teenager(s) about what you have learned from being his/her parent and how this has made you a grow into a better person.

I’ll share the best ones on my blog, and for the two best letters/essays I’ll give a copy of my award winning audiobook You’re Empowered! Parenting Teens with Conviction, Communication and Love.

Whether you win my contest or not, you’ll have something special to share with your family on Mothers Day morning.

*Rules: there are no rules. Just remember kids like “shorter” rather than “longer.” The “judge” will be looking for a message from the heart. :>

This contest is now closed.

Sharon called me in tears last Friday. Her son Adam, a junior in high school, was cut from the baseball team. “You don’t understand,” she said through her tears. “He needs this… his social life is non-existent, he has nothing else. Plus he needs this for his college resume. We’re all a mess. I don’t know what to do.”

This is a big deal in the life of her high schooler, no doubt about it. He is crushed, and feeling particularly vulnerable because of his disappointing lack of friends at the moment. “This is going to be a difficult weekend,” I warned her. It was clear that she was deeply afraid for how her son was going to handle this, and we talked for a while on the phone. It struck me that not only was she hurting because her son was hurting, she was in pain because of her fear and disappointment for him. Parents get to deal with twice the hurt!

Fast forward five days…. in the end, the way Sharon handled the situation was brilliant. In fact it was “text-book” perfect. Let’s review what she did and what made it work. You can apply these same steps when you face a crisis with your teen.

So – are you dying to know how it ended? Sharon had to pick herself up off the floor on Monday afternoon when Adam came home from school with a smile on his face and announced that he was joining the track team!

A situation like this really can cause a family crisis. Parents know when your child is vulnerable and when something like being accepted on a team takes on additional meaning. But even when things don’t work out as planned, new opportunities can arise. And with care and thought, these situations can actually lead to new opportunities for communication and connection.

Learn from Sharon’s response. Her three most important words to Adam were, “I get it.” She understood on many levels how difficult this was for him. And she also knew that he needed gentle, kind but firm guidance to begin to move forward. And with that, he resolved the situation much more quickly than she could have imagined.

Hopefully they have opened some new doors of communication and they won’t wait for another crisis to talk about difficult things. Adam’s resilience was a pleasant surprise. And you can be sure the life-lessons learned from this experience will be with Adam for a long while.

Are you happy with the way your family communicates? Parents frequently complain about their family communication dynamics. “We all talk over one another,” one mom said. “Everyone seems to feel that to be heard they just have to speak louder.” Another mom said they were in the bad habit of interrupting, and a Dad told me he had trouble getting his teenagers to share what went on in their day on a regular basis.

Communication and family dynamics are a fluid, ever-changing thing. There are constant distractions in any home that work against your communication – interruptions, schedules, moods, and more. And it takes vigilance, attention and intention to maintain the open communication and positive family dynamic that you want. So periodically, it’s helpful to talk about talking – bring up your family dynamics, communication patterns and habits, and discuss what is working, and what isn’t. You not only may be surprised about the insights, opinions and suggestions your teens will offer, you may learn about some changes in your behavior that need to be addressed.

Carolyn and her husband John started a new tradition last year by organizing a family meeting. They put forth a question to their three children: How is our family is doing, and what do we need to change? Frankly, they were stunned by the response! These are some of the most loving, caring and thoughtful parents I know. Their intentions are pure, their priorities are clearly focused on family… and yet their kids were seeing things differently from the parents. The kids said “I wish you and Daddy wouldn’t yell so much.” “Can we have more time to talk?” “You don’t listen to me, Mom.” “I can’t say anything without being interrupted or corrected.” “You lecture me too much.” Wow! The point of view expressed by the kids was entirely different than that of the parents.

And that’s the point.

You as parent have tremendous influence on the dynamics in your family and on your family’s culture, attitude, habits and approach. But you don’t own it alone. This needs to be a joint effort. Too often, parents just forget to solicit input from other family members and understand how things look from another perspective.

You can talk about talking informally over dinner, or you can set up a more formal family meeting. Either way, be open, honest and sincere. Give everyone equal say and an opportunity to be heard. You must be prepared to take some hits as it’s likely you are going to hear about some of your behavior that isn’t working well. This may not be all fun. Both parents will have to be willing to participate in this kind of open discussion.

And when you do you will create the opportunity for some wonderful breakthroughs in your family dynamics.

Let us know about your results!

Round-ups of best web sites are really helpful as we sort through the overwhelm on the web. Here’s a particularly helpful post from a nursing site on the 100 Best Blogs for Healthy Parents. (Yes, we made it on their list. :>) It is divided into groupings such as

• From Health Professionals
• Nutrition and Healthy Living
• Parenting Advice
• Specifically about Daughters or Sons
• Teenage Years
• Food allergies
• Childhood illness Support and Information

Has your teen gone off to college this fall? How are you feeling about this change? This event can generate a wide range of feelings and, frankly many parents struggle a bit. Let’s put a spotlight on this transition and consider your actions and feelings.

Feel your feelings: What’s most important first is to validate your feelings…whatever they are.  Because whatever you are feeling about this is okay. After your college student leaves some parents feel relieved after a summer filled with probably too-much-tension. Some may feel like celebrating; that’s okay too! Some of you are feeling lonely and sad, missing your child, painfully aware of the fact that this is one major step toward him really leaving home. And others are simply worried about your teen’s adjustment which may not be going smoothly. All of these feelings – and others – are legitimate and acceptable. Have at it.… feel those feelings… even if it hurts.

Transitions require time: Life’s transitions offer us opportunities for growth. They push us out of our comfort zone and force us to find a new way of being. This process isn’t always fun, but it usually brings us to a better place. Parents whose kids have just left for college are going through one of the biggest transitions of all. So give yourself a break if your emotions are feeling raw, or inconsistent, or intense.

William Bridges is a recognized expert in transitions and has written numerous books about the subject. I’ve been a fan of his work for years and have been certified by his organization in “managing the human side of change.” Parents of teenagers, and teens themselves, deal with practically un-ending change, so this topic is highly relevant. Bridges’ work on transition emphasizes the fact that change is an event and transition is a process that takes place over time. In this case the event happened the day your teen left for college, but your transition began before high school graduation and may continue yet for a while. It is helpful to understand that transitions happen on their own time frame.

Central to Bridges’ work is what he calls the neutral zone. The neutral zone is the time period after one event/situation has ended and before the next has settled in. You are in the neutral zone when you have let go of the last trapeze, but you haven’t yet caught the next one; it’s Linus with his blanket in the dryer; and it’s you while you are getting adjusted to a new family situation. Adapting to your teen being away can be a neutral zone experience as you try to adjust to a new normal.

The neutral zone can be an uncomfortable place to be. Here, things feel unfamiliar; life is different and you feel as though you have lost your points of reference. It may be a painful, terrifying even,  place to be. And yet it is rich with opportunity for personal growth.

A neutral zone experience opens up new possibilities. It can initiate creativity and innovation. It is a catalyst – forcing you to find new relationships and new answers. The neutral zone must be fully experienced, however, to reap these rewards.  You can’t hurry through it or short-circuit the process.

Go slowly during this transition; be present to your feelings even if they are uncomfortable. Consider the best outcomes possible from this new family dynamic. Give it time for things to settle. Be creative and hopeful … and a new way of being will emerge.  (Read additional suggestions in 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens “Give Things Time to Settle During Times of Transition.”):

Help your teen gain independence: Each child who goes away to college experiences their own transition differently, and most experience rather dramatic ups and downs. The best way you can support your teen is to facilitate his transition into his new life, and this probably means helping him be independent.

Dr Michael Jellineck is a Boston area adolescent psychiatrist who notes that teens and their parents manage their feelings very differently. On some level, this change may feel like a loss to both you and your teen. Jellineck says teenagers tend to express a sense of bravado to cover up for feelings of loss, while parents tend to hold on as long as possible. This tells us how easy it can be to misinterpret what your teenager is saying… she may be more tender than she is demonstrating. What’s important to remember is regardless of how much you want to be needed, your most helpful actions should be toward boosting her/his capabilities and confidence.

How you do this will vary with each child. This generation of college students has been accused of being too connected to their parents at home, often calling on their cell phones in-between each class. One needs to ask the question: When is your teen too connected? I can think of one young woman who was terribly homesick when she first went away to school. She needed her parents’ regular support and connection; to have deprived her of that would have been cruel. But other teens may remain tightly connected out of fear, or laziness, or not knowing how to integrate in at school. In these cases you may want to gently coach your college student to call home less, not more. It’s important for their focus to be on their college connections and experiences. And even if this feels unsatisfying to you it’s more important to focus on what is best for them.  Remember….independence is the goal.

Send your love: Preparing a care package can be a satisfying way to expend your energy. Whether it’s home baked goods, a special funny photo album of the precious pet he left behind, a poem from each family member, or a bulletin board with some family photos, send along something special from home. Even the most confident sounding student wants to know he is missed and needs the soft reminders from home. And expending your energy in this way can help you feel better.

My daughter’s whole group of friends from high school was very tight and the parents enjoyed one another as well. When the group of girls spread out at various colleges as freshmen, the moms had fun sending care packages to all the girls.  One mom sent stationery, another sent Halloween decorations for their rooms, another sent kites; the moms even got together before Christmas and had a cookie bake, sending a special package of cookies to each girl.

Prepare for the “Dump Call”: For most of us, there comes a time when you receive a phone call from an upset and unhappy college kid. There is drama and tears and frankly, it is torture for a distant parent. Your teen tells you she hates school, she hates her roommate, she misses home and everything is going badly. But here’s the thing to remember: in many cases, after your college student has dumped her load of misery on you, she’ll get a good night sleep and the next day yawns bright and full of possibility. She’ll make a new friend, get invited to a party, get busy with schoolwork and completely forget that she left you in a pile of worry and misery.

So parents, be prepared for this. The best advice for the “dump call” is to expect it, recognize it when it comes, and retain some detachment. You will need that perspective to be able to determine your best response. You will have to remain objective to judge how real and serious the problems are, or if this is a passing situation. Some situations will be helped by your intervention, but in most cases your strategy should be around coaching your college student to discover her own best answers.

This is a tender time for you as your family-left-at-home reorganizes and adjusts to this big change. Your dinner table conversation may feel a little flat as you feel the ache in your heart missing your eldest. Take a deep breath and center yourself. You have entered a new phase of your family’s life, and you’ll all figure it out. And all is as it is supposed to be.

It was late when Natalie’s cell phone rang, and it was a dreaded call. “Your daughter is on her way to the emergency room. She blacked out. We were afraid to leave her because she was so drunk.”

This mom called me last week to tell me about the incident… no, she didn’t want to tell me about the actual incident as much as she wanted to tell me how she handled it.  She was proud that she had handled this terrible incident with relative calm and with control,  keeping things in perspective even while in the midst of the crisis.  She wanted to report to me that they had “been through the fire”...and had survived.

How many other parents have faced crises with your teens this summer?  Have your teens misbehaved?  Gotten into trouble?   Did they let you (and themselves) down in some way?  Teens don’t all misbehave, but enough of them do that this is an important question:  How will you survive a crisis you may face?

Preparing for the unexpected can be difficult, but being prepared is key to your success in a crisis.

Natalie was prepared. She invests time to make sure she is a smart, tuned-in parent for her teenagers.  She reads,  she speaks with friends and peers,  she is involved in her kids’ schools, and she works hard to share their lives and understand their point of view.  In fact she so values the opportunity to share ideas with other parents she has been in (and even led) several Please Stop the Rollercoaster parent discussion groups.

So when she spent those awful hours at the hospital while her daughter was severely under the influence of alcohol, Natalie kept her cool.  And after the crisis had passed over the next couple of weeks they processed what happened that night.  She huddled with her daughter,  her daughter’s friends and the other parents.  This incident became a valuable teachable moment because Natalie didn’t over-react.   And she didn’t allow it to devastate her or ruin her summer.

Lessons learned.  Relationships intact. That’s about the best you can ask for, isn’t it?

So, here’s the question for you: Will you be prepared if you face a crisis with your teen?

Here is my Crisis Response Plan*

When a crisis occurs, this four-step process can help you stay on track and respond productively:

STEP ONE:  Breath deeply This slows things down so you can think logically and deliberately.

STEP TWO: Identify objectively what has happened Make sure your response is properly aligned with reality. This is probably not the end of the world,  and you  probably will survive this crisis.

STEP THREE:  Ask yourself  “What’s the best outcome we can have?” Identify the best that can happen now, and set your sights on that.

STEP FOUR: Ask “How can I help make this happen?” Put yourself in action to help make the best outcome a reality.

*Note: This crisis response plan is one of our “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen” available in our free, downloadable e-book.  Download it, share it, put it on your website… and send us a link so we can see how you are supporting parents too.

When the television media wants to interview me it’s usually not a political reporter, but I like (WBZ-TV’s) Jon Keller’s approach. When the Massachusetts state house began discussing imposing a parental consent requirement on kids under 18 who seek tattoos and/or body pierces, he wanted to speak with a parenting-teens expert about the topic. Here’s the clip from last evening’s news:

WBZ interview on Teens and Body Piercing

Of course, most of our interview landed on the cutting room floor, so let me tell you about this discussion. It’s a good one to think about.  Jon Keller often reports on what he calls the “Nanny State” …in this case government regulating what parents should be managing. And he asked me if regulating an age of consent has merit in this case.

What has merit, is parents – or somebody – advising kids to help them avoid choices they will regret. Will all kids regret their choice of piercing or tattooing? No; and some parents choose to have them too. There is nothing inherently wrong in it. For the parents who do object to tattoos and pierces, they usually object because they are difficult to un-do.

Parents have an important role to play here in guiding your teens to delay such choices until they are older; in fact, as I say in the interview, this is parents’ job. Due to teens’ brain development they do tend to be impulsive and are not well equipped to see the long term consequences for their actions. Parents have to put the brakes on in many areas,  this is just another example. You buy time and allow them to mature and develop, as they change their tastes and appearance and interests…until they have enough responsibility to make their own good decisions. In the case of tattooing and piercing 18 is probably a good age for such a decision.

Parents who are having such discussions with their teens might consider the following advice:

• Discuss this when everyone is calm; don’t do it when emotions are high,
• Allow your teen to express himself – even outlandishly if that is what he wants – using means that aren’t permanent. Let him dye his hair blue!
• Emphasize that you are not trying to control her by saying “no,” rather you are guiding her because you care so much and don’t want her to make a choice she will regret.
• Negotiate a compromise… give him permission on something else he wants that isn’t so bothersome to you.

If your teen is going to go ahead and get a pierce or tattoo anyway…and you are going to allow yourself to lose this argument, accompany her. Make sure the place is clean and meets your standards.  Also, negotiate the location of the tattoo or pierce… preferably in location that will be hidden by normal clothing.

In a perfect world parents wouldn’t need the state to make parental consent guidelines because parents and teens would talk and discuss such decisions.

We don’t live in a perfect world, however, so if the state puts up a barrier that will slow down this for kids, I’m for it.

Read my recent 2 Minute Tip Don’t be Bullied by Your Teen