Discussing teenagers drinking gives me heartburn. I find it painful because it is difficult to do this with honesty and integrity, but to attempt to do less is not only a disservice to my readers, it shows disrespect to those of you in the midst of facing real-life parenting issues.

Here’s my dilemma: I can’t support giving a message to teenagers that it’s okay to drink. And so I encourage parents to stand firm on saying “no” by focusing on all the good reasons why alcohol is unsafe and dangerous to kids. And I believe that… there are numerous facts that support an anti-alcohol stance.

But kids drink anyway. Well, not all kids, but many of them do. Despite parents’ rules and warnings, some teens drink. Parents can find yourself in the situation of knowing that your teen is drinking and not having the power to stop it. So this raises a dilemma for you: if you recognize the drinking and talk with your teen about it openly, you may feel like a hypocrite. You may worry that it looks as though you are condoning the behavior, even if that is definitely not your intention. You may worry about the message that is received by a younger sibling, or your teen’s friends and friend’s families.

It can be gut wrenching for parents to maneuver your way through a disparity between your belief system and your teen’s behavior.

As a professional in this field I would like to keep my head in the sand and say to you “Stay with my ‘Just say ‘no” approach.” But you deserve better.

I recently had a long conversation with the parent of a graduating senior. This child has been drinking for much of her senior year, this mom just learned. These parents are dead set against underage drinking, and they have been very clear about it. And they have a younger teen too. So the dilemma I describe it is hitting her right between the eyes.

Assuming your teen isn’t going to change her ways, parents in this situation appear to have two basic choices: ignore the drinking and keep your message intact, or discuss the drinking so you can address ways to help your teen be safe.

It’s pretty clear to me that safety should win out.

If a parent in this situation says nothing, you are missing an important opportunity to provide guidance and input that can help keep your child safe. If you don’t know what is going on, or choose to ignore it, you may be unintentionally forcing your teen to get into a car to get home by curfew, something you would probably prefer not to do. So, I advocate that, even at the risk of feeling hypocritical, you are better off having the honest discussions. And I suggest you worry less about what you look like to outsiders, and instead focus on having a real meeting of the minds with your teen.

Take the opportunity to talk about this often. Get inside his head and find out what it is that is driving this behavior, if you can. Make sure that she receives the message of moderation and knows the dangers of binge drinking. Be informed so, painful as it is, you can provide guidance, encourage moderation and other activities, and help them make choices that will keep them safe. It is better to be informed and to talk about this than to keep it hiding under the rug.

Kids who drink before they are 21 put parents in difficult, possibly even illegal situations. They deserve to hear about what this is like from your point of view; they need to know that their drinking has possible consequences not just to them, but to you. There is nothing about this topic that is clear or simple, unless they choose to abide by the law and wait until they are 21.

Your choices aren’t easy.

It’s called parenting in the gray zone.

A Teen’s Summer Crisis – Survived

Hi – Sue Blaney here with your weekly 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens

My tip this week is: Hear Yourself >>Listen

When I was growing up, my Mom called me a lot on my tone of voice. Still one of my short comings is that my tone of voice can sometimes be off-putting, express impatience, or even indicate feelings that I’m not consciously aware of. Lately, I’ve been having what feel like out-of-body experiences, where I hear myself as others hear me. And sometimes it isn’t pretty. Sometimes it’s even shocking to hear my tone of voice and know that that came out of me! It makes me want to crawl under a chair. It shocks me to think that I sound like that at times. I see I still have a lot of work to do – on me.

So, this may raise a good question for you to consider: what’s a major shortcoming in the way you interact with others? Perhaps you don’t listen very carefully, or you interrupt people, or you always think you have the right answer. Maybe your shortcoming isn’t on the communication front, but you are a procrastinator, or you are disorganized, or you exaggerate so much people aren’t sure when you are being accurate or honest. This is important here as we discuss parenting teenagers because you can be pretty sure that this short-coming shows up in your parenting. So now, as you tune into it, you have an opportunity to address it – again.

Our children are reflections of us in many ways. If you don’t pick up on your shortcomings on your own, you may see them in your child’s behavior. You may not recognize it right away, but it is likely that some of the behavior that you witness from your teenager – the behavior that you find most irritating or worrisome, even – is behavior that s/he has learned from you. Try to look more objectively at your teenager, consider where she sees that behavior being modeled, and be sure to take a good long look in the mirror.

If you don’t like what you see, take note.

Hear yourself. And make a change.

Thanks for subscribing to my 2 minute tips for parenting teens. ‘’Til next week, I’m Sue Blaney.
Note: We are having technical difficulties with our other website www.ParentingTeensInfo.com, so we are publishing this week’s 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens here.

With 400 million+ users, Facebook is a social force unlike anything parents have faced before. And parents have a vital role to play in providing guidance to your teenager as s/he plays on this digital playground….whether you feel comfortable or not on Facebook. Your “digital footprint” refers to all your interactions, information and transactions that take place in cyberspace. You’ve surely heard the horror stories about college admissions offers, employers etc. seeing things on the internet that reflect poorly on young people… so clearly teenagers need guidance. And who will they look to for this guidance? It better be you. Who else has their long term best interest in mind? BUT, if you feel Facebook is overwhelming, you are not alone. And even if you are relatively comfortable on Facebook, it is daunting the way it changes so frequently.

I’m happy to tell you that help is here! Facebook Guide for Parents* is an up-to-date, in-depth, hands-on tool that will be a life-saver for you as you try to guide your teen on Facebook so that s/he is properly safeguarded. There are good reasons why you need the help offered in this guide…
Here are just some of areas to consider while guiding your child on Facebook:

The Facebook Guide for Parents comes in several contemporary formats – downloadable and in hardcopy – that guide you as you walk through the profile, settings and activities one by one so you can understand the impact of the choices you and your teenager make. It is a step-by-step instruction manual that is accompanied by 12 short (5 minutes or less) video tutorials to visually guide you. In addition to providing guidance on the ins-and-outs of the privacy settings, the authors provide instruction on the basics:

Facebook Guide for Parents is developed by the five social media experts who run Supreme Social Media. Calling themselves “the Supremes” these media savvy women are mothers, aunts, sisters… and they saw a big disconnect between what kids are doing online and what their parents know about that. The only way a parent can guide a child intelligently on Facebook is to be present there… and many parents are somewhere between woefully behind and somewhat confused. This guide will get you where you want to go… and keep you up to date as things change.

Some of you may be aware that late in April (2010) Facebook implemented some innocuous-looking changes that some critics feel may not be so benign after all. Many industry watchers are closely monitoring what Facebook calls “the open graph,” and its implications on our online privacy now and in the future. As Facebook links applications with personal profiles, one’s digital footprint expands in ways far beyond what is obvious. As Facebook changes its product and details, those who own a copy of Facebook Guide for Parents will receive access to updates for an entire year. What that means is the Supreme Socials will help you stay on top of your Facebook experience as things change, and will inform you so that you can be sure you and your teen are making good choices for your – and his/her – digital footprint.

[PS: In a meeting earlier this week with fellow business owners, I noticed a high degree of confusion in some of the basics in Facebook and other social networks. Truthfully, Facebook Guide for Parents will help you even if your primary focus isn't on your teenager. The Supremes have put together a really useful tool. And if your focus is on using Facebook for business, you should check out some of their other offerings.]

*I have done something I’ve never done before and must disclose it to you. I am so impressed with this product, and think it is so important for parents, I have become an affiliate sales agent for this product.

Motherhood is wonderful. Motherhood is hard. Motherhood is…. fill in the blank. It is many things. My Mother’s Day Essay/Letter contest gave me a glimpse into the lives of numerous mothers of teenagers, and I am humbled. I heard from moms who have teenagers with mental illness, moms who are recovering from brain surgery, moms who are dealing with teens caught breaking the law…. the real issues that you all are juggling take my breath away. And yet, here you all are, expressing your love for your teenagers so you could share your letter with them on Mother’s Day.

Before I share the two “winning” letters, I want to share excerpts from other moms’ letters. The assignment was: Write an [open] letter to your teenager(s) about what you have learned from being his/her parent and how this has made you a grow into a better person. And look at all the wonderful ways these moms have been expanded and stretched from raising their teenagers:

• “Thank you for showing me how to look at the big picture and not get tangled in all the details of life.”
• “Thank you for showing me how to let go and laugh at silly things in everyday life.”
• “You have made me a better person just by the joy I receive from parenting you.”
• “Through of all of life’s challenges you both show me how to forge ahead, laugh, sing and dance. Thank you for being my treasures.”
• “You have helped me to think outside of the box and to realize that sometimes there is more than one answer.”
• “…you have helped me to better understand how to stand up for myself and to realize a lot of things I have forgotten over the years.”
• “You model for me grace and a strong sense of self.”
• “From you I have learned how to not back away from a challenge. You’ve shown me how to dig deep and not give up.”
• “From you I have learned a sense of beauty for the natural world around me.”

There are two winning essays. The first is written by Carolyn Boatner:

My Dear Adam,
In this dance called life, I have been blessed to have you as one of my partners. We have been movers and shakers to many rhythms together. Some have been harmonious, others have not. We have ricocheted between leading and following. And all in all, we have laughed and loved and grown together.
Parenthood is a journey that has lead to some of the most amazing vistas in creation. I have watched you transition from a tiny tow-headed toddler to a young man with facial hair. Not just your voice has deepened, but the thoughts and expressions that drive it have too! The stitches have healed, the casts have come off and all have left behind the scars of childhood that illustrate an adventurous spirit and curious mind.

I love you Adam Boatner. I love the light in your eyes. I love your ability to debate with such knowledge. I love your compassion. I love your depth. I love your ability to take on a subject and hold on with the tenacity of a pit bull. I love that you cook. I love that you are sensitive. I love that you wonder and question. I love that you sing beautifully. I love that you are exploring new paths for yourself. I love that you support me and hug me. You are a winner. Don’t let the tough crap in life seep in your soul and destroy the best parts of you. Don’t make dangerous decisions that will derail your life’s path—whatever that path may be. Don’t let ignorant people imperil you and sway you to do the wrong thing. You are better than that Adam. I am here for you in the darkest moments and in the brightest lights.

Thanks for the dance my dear son. Thanks for teaching me that the rhythm doesn’t have to be predictable to be fun. Thanks for reminding me that laughter and sorrow can bring cleansing tears. Thanks for forgiving me when I stepped on your toes. May our dance cards never be too full for one another!
Love,
Mom

And our second winner is offered by Pamela:

Dear Peanut,
When your father and I planned your existence, we considered all the details of parenthood and went forth with complete confidence that we would certainly do a better job than our parents did! After you were born I read every book ever written about baby care and child development including Your Child Age __(one book for each year!).

Then came your teenage years. I discovered that the library did not have a book for each challenge you presented. Your creativity for new and astounding behaviors was boundless. My patience and temper were not! Then one day you were diagnosed with a mental illness and our world imploded.

While other families were planning which college to send their darlings off to, we were wondering if you would be able to graduate from high school. While other parents complained about their kids missing curfew by a few minutes, I was happy to see you arrive safely home. Over the months since your diagnosis I have learned the most important lesson a parent can learn – LOVE YOUR CHILD! That is the gift I try to give you every day even when it feels as if the rest of the world is saying you are not lovable.

Your gift to me has been to make me fearless. I see now how foolish it is to spend time worrying about the little stuff. And that includes everything from what you are wearing to what college you go to, or even if you go at all. Your continued existence is reward enough for my efforts. Your smile and silly sense of humor bring joy beyond any GPA or class ranking.

I applaud you for working so hard to make each day a success. I am awed by your strength and resilence. You have suffered greatly when teachers and best friends failed to understand the impact of a brain disorder. You have called them on their callousness and modeled how to be a better human being. I am your fan for life.
Love,
Mom

Is your teenager counting the days to graduation? This is an exciting time… and it can be a rollercoaster ride for parents.

The range of emotions that parents feel during this event and transition can vary widely and feel confusing.  A week ago when my husband and I were chatting with our waitress while dining out, tears sprang into her eyes as she mentioned that her eldest is about to graduate from high school. It reminded me of a similar situation in Burger King a few years back while speaking with another graduate’s mom who also found her emotions too intense to hold in.

Is graduation a time of joy? You bet! It’s a time to appreciate past accomplishments and to pause before moving into new opportunities. And as parents pause, it is ever-so-appropriate for big feelings to arise. High school graduation is a big rite of passage. Not only is this is one of the biggest events in your teenager’s life so far, it is a huge milestone for you.

Not all parents are overcome with emotions that bring tears. We all feel and express these emotions in our own way. If you are one of those who tends toward the tears, please relax with that. It’s okay. If you are one who is focusing on the joy, that is great too. There is no wrong way to experience this passage… there is only your way.

One mother of a soon-to-be high school graduate who is having trouble keeping her tears in, marveled at and wondered about her son’s apparent lack of emotion about this whole thing. Be aware that kids who appear stoic and unemotional about this event may be fooling you. Although it is entirely possible they don’t feel it the same way you do, an unruffled exterior may be covering up for emotions they don’t want to show. Even in the event that your teen acts as though s/he doesn’t much care about the whole thing, I suggest parents assume that your teenager is sensitive and really does care. A stoic exterior may be covering up all kinds of things: for a sincere need for your appreciation for this accomplishment, a bit of fear and trepidation about going away, concern about whether s/he made the right decisions or will be able to compete where s/he is going…. no doubt there is a lot going on under the surface and it will be helpful to use kid gloves and sensitivity in dealing with your graduate.

It’s been a long road getting here, hasn’t it? After the celebrations are over, you will have some new territory to cover during the summer between graduation and your teenager’s next step. This can get a little dicey… we’ll talk it through in a future post. In the meantime, take it all in. Enjoy it, feel it, walk through the memories and take note of how far your family has come.

Here’s an interesting story in the Wall Street Journal about how changes in parent-teen relationships are showing up in television. Quoting research that says “75% of teenagers get along with their parents,” television shows are changing the way they depict the parent-teen relationship.

For a fun walk down memory lane, click on the WSJ’s interactive time line that shows various television shows since the 1950s and how they reflected the times. Remember the Fonz? I had forgotten about Michael J Fox’s character Alex Keaton in Family Ties… how different that character is from those we might see on television today!

Experts encourage parents to use television shows as jumping-off points for discussions of all kinds. Whether or not you like some of today’s shows, this is what your kids are consuming and the relationship models they see. Join them on the couch…It’s a good way to spend some time together!

This Mothers Day I invite you to think about what your teenagers have taught you and how they have made you a better person. I’m running an “essay” contest with prizes … here’s all you need to do:

Write an [open] letter to your teenager(s) about what you have learned from being his/her parent and how this has made you a grow into a better person.

I’ll share the best ones on my blog, and for the two best letters/essays I’ll give a copy of my award winning audiobook You’re Empowered! Parenting Teens with Conviction, Communication and Love.

Whether you win my contest or not, you’ll have something special to share with your family on Mothers Day morning.

*Rules: there are no rules. Just remember kids like “shorter” rather than “longer.” The “judge” will be looking for a message from the heart. :>

This contest is now closed.

Your notes, calls, comments and conversations have a timely quality about them. Spring arrives with promise, beauty, and the miracles of nature’s annual reawakening… and with rituals and themes that don’t change much in the world of teenagers. Parties, distractions, school pressures, changing relationships…. so many challenges at this time for parents and teens. Let me share a few stories and thoughts that have been ruminating in various conversations over the past week or so…

Parenting teens can be exhausting! Barbara was exhausted last week after deep and long conversations with her son about smoking marijuana. There was planning going on amongst his peer group for civil disobedience and pot smoking on a particular day, and although Barbara was very happy that he gave her the opportunity to engage with him about it, it was trying for her, to say the least. She said “I can see why some parents stick their heads in the sand. It would be a lot easier on me if I were to do that!”

She was thoughtful and careful in her approach with him, making sure to listen and not lecture, and while informing him with facts she was careful to engage with him respectfully. That kind of effort takes time, care, intention and and being informed about the facts herself…. all of which requires energy and more time! Barbara needed a time out when they were done!

Engaged parenting can bring complications, too. Another conversation with a smart and engaged Mom brought forth an interesting situation that may resonate with you. This Mom of college students said she “didn’t give her teens room” to use alcohol or drugs when they were in high school; she said she and her husband were right on top of that issue. With alcoholism in the family the kids were well aware of dangers and issues and didn’t seem to have an interest in experimenting in that area. But one of her daughters had rebellion in her [or should we call it a need for expression?] and it came out in her sexual expression. Their daughter was planning to be sexually active with a boy they considered inappropriate, and these engaged and involved parents resisted and carried on. But, ironically, they had a surprise. When they gave up and relaxed, deciding to step back and allow their daughter to make her own choice and decision, their daughter gave up and broke up with the boyfriend. A sibling explained her change of heart as “it wasn’t naughty anymore.”

Parents might consider how our behavior can drive kids to do the exact things we don’t want them to do! Teens sometimes look for ways to make a statement about their independence and their ability to make decisions for themselves… and if parents play our cards wrong we may inadvertently push them in directions they wouldn’t necessarily go.

There aren’t any hard-and-fast rules here that can help you know how to respond and behave, and these are difficult-to-predict situations. A good start is to be aware to the degree to which your teen is responding to you… which may be driving many of his choices.

Watch PARENTHOOD on NBC. NBC’s Parenthood airs on Tuesday nights from 10pm – 11 edt, and the scenes and interactions between the parents and teens are authentic and worth seeing. Executive producer is Ron Howard, so you know the writing is good. I took note of one particular interaction last week when Sarah, mom of rebellious 15-ish Amber, said to her daughter “I’m through trying to control you. It doesn’t work anyway.” And, like the mom in my last story above, by the end of the show Amber had broken up with the controversial boyfriend.  But, as any self-respecting teen would do, Amber made it very clear to her Mom that this break-up had nothing to do with her. Classic. And a great reminder how important it is for parents to give our teens enough room to save face. It’s simply not important for us to be right, especially if the “right” things happen in the end.

Join me in my weekly discussion about this show. Watch PARENTHOOD on Tuesday nights and come to our Facebook page www.Facebook.com/ParentingTeenagers to dig into some of the interesting questions these parent-teen interactions stir up. It’s good stuff!

Tips from your peers: In celebration of publishing my 100th 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens, I asked parents of teens to share your best tip, answering the question “What is the single best piece of advice you can give another parent of a teenager?” Here are the five tips I have chosen as the most universal, helpful and insightful.

Thanks for the great thoughts from all who shared; for more on insights and input from parents like you, click here: Ten Best Parenting Tips from Your Peers.

From my 100 2 Minute Tips for Parenting Teens, Click for my Top 10 .