You know if your teen is one who lives by the beat of a different drum. She doesn’t follow the rules; he doesn’t care what his peers think. These teens don’t fit into the mainstream, and they have stopped trying to fit in. Some are lonely and alone, others find solace with one or two similar spirits.

For all the difficulty teens like this face, it’s hard for parents too. You wonder how to guide them, what they are thinking, why they can’t just tow the line.

This video is for you. Food for thought and a fresh perspective.  Enjoy…

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As more and more parents are allowing your teens on Facebook, and as many of you are trying to figure out now to make your own way through the social networking maze yourself, you’ll want to be aware of what is happening at Facebook. In several recent redesigns they have made some alterations to their default privacy settings which have some interesting implications. The day I saw the notice from Facebook about new settings I was, as is often the case, in a rush. So I took the easy way out and accepted their recommendations for their default privacy setting. However, upon further inspection, I feel this is not a good choice. Their default privacy settings allow people to see my information – people who are NOT in my personal network. Not what I want, and probably not a good choice for your teenager either.

The New York Times reprinted an excellent piece from ReadWriteWeb The 3 Facebook Settings Every User Should Check Out which will guide you through the privacy setting issue. It will take all of 10 minutes at the most. Walk through this how-to article and make sure your settings are what you want on your Facebook page; then sit down with your teenager to walk through it on her page as well.

Facebook, like many institutions, isn’t out for our best interest. They are out for theirs.

One mom in my group call last night who has two young teen boys said “Technology is the only thing we fight about. And we’re fighting about it all the time!” Parents of teens today are dealing with what feels like an immersion in a foreign tech-based world, and figuring out how to parent teens in this strange land feels very difficult to many.

Why is this difficult for many parents? There are many reasons… not the least of which is many of today’s parents are intimidated by technology and feeling behind the curve. It can be overwhelming to view the tsunami of tech toys one doesn’t know how to use, to deal with the incessant onslaught of information that makes you feel constantly behind, and try to promote and teach balance to a tech-addicted teen. Nothing about this is particularly easy on the surface… but when you dig down you’ll see that the basics of good parenting apply here, and a sense of overwhelm, intimidation and fear can work against you.

Anne Collier provides some of the most intelligent and balanced advice for parents. She runs NetFamilyNews.org – “Kid-tech news for parents,” insightful and smart commentary for us all. She says parents’ fear of technology, or fear of their kids’ use of it is what creates problems. “Fear is bad. Fear increases risk.” When parents are living in fear it shuts down communication… and that is when kids will go into “stealth mode” where they can be at greater risk.

Your attitude matters a lot, and I recommend you begin by becoming more informed. One of the best ways to do this is to view the 90 minute PBS special Digital Nation. It is extremely well done and worth your time. Over the next few weeks I will continue to refer to the thought-provoking commentary and share video snippits from this program in the hopes that it will inform your actions and attitudes and generate helpful discussion here.

The video below is a clip from the “Relationships” area of Digital Nation website with sensible, helpful – and non-intimidating advice for parents. One of the things that strikes me about Anne Collier’s comments in the video is her sensible and reasonable approach – the same attitude and approach that will benefit parents. She says we must apply the same good parenting principles that we apply in everyday life to our kids’ online life. We don’t just abandon our kids at the internet door.

Don’t be fearful; don’t allow yourself to be intimidated. Reframe your approach and let your curiousity and open mind guide you.
I’d love to hear your comments and thoughts.

Anne Collier video:

In my morning inspirational reading I reopened a favorite book The Art of Possibility by Ben and Roz Zander. In it, Ben Zander notes

“The drive to be successful and the fear of failure are, like the head and tail of a coin, inseparably linked. They goaded me on to unusual efforts and caused me, and those around me, considerable suffering. Of course, the surprising thing was that my increasing success did little to lessen the tension…. {Eventually} I settled on a game called I am a contribution. Unlike success and failure, ‘contribution’ has no other side. It is not arrived at by comparison. All at once I found that the fearful question, ‘Am I loved for who I am, or for what I have accomplished?’ could be replaced by the joyful question, ‘How will I be a contribution today?’

When we measure our success by external measurements – our accomplishment, awards, money, fame, material acquisitions – we are playing in a “measurement model.” A measurement model is usually based upon a sense of scarcity… “better get yours before someone else does.” Zander suggests this is not only unhealthy, it is unnecessary. By reframing our definition of success we open up a world of possibilities – and joy. Rather than live in a stress-inducing scarcity model, we can live in a “widespread array of abundance.”

Let’s consider the high-stress world our teenagers inhabit in the context of the Zanders’ philosophy.

There is an epidemic of stress disorders among our young people. According to a new study, five times as many high school and college students are dealing with anxiety and other mental health issues as youth of the same age who grew up during the Great Depression. Comments I hear from parents reflect this; like “My daughter is obsessed with doing everything perfectly. She doesn’t seem to be able to tolerate anything less than perfection, whether it’s grades, friends, her looks, or anything else. And yet she is fragile and on the edge.” “The competition to get into the college of his choice is so intense it is impacting his relationship with his friends because they are competing for the limited slots.” “My child isn’t in bed before 2am on a typical school night.” Parents know this is unhealthy and you ask: “What can I do?”

Maybe you need to redefine “success.”

Many mental health professionals, educators, parenting experts, and cultural observers note that today’s teens put a high value on the external and visible measures of success. It seems today’s teens have different values to some degree, and we wonder if these values are linked to this rise in anxiety. While a valid cause-and-effect relationship has not been proven, it must be considered. Professionals speculate that the sources of the increased stress come from “a popular culture that focuses on the external – wealth, looks, status” to “over-protective parents who have left their children with few real-world coping skills.” And the students? “Students themselves point to everything from pressure to succeed – self imposed and otherwise – to a fast paced world that’s only sped up by the technology they love so much.”

One 21 year old in the study is quoted:

“The unrealistic feelings that are ingrained in us from a young age – that we need to have massive amounts of money to be considered a success – not only lead us to a higher likelihood of feeling inadequate, anxious or depressed, but also make us think that the only value in getting an education is to make a lot of money…”

How do you frame and define “success?” The way you define success, the way you express goals and reward your teens are how you teach them values.

The Zanders raise a good point: How would your teenager’s experience be different if rather than focusing on achieving a certain gpa, accolade or reward, he were to consider how he could “be a contribution?” How would you communicate and teach this change in attitude? How would you provide rewards?

While parents tend to blame a materialistic culture and images and experiences that influence teens toward this externally based focus, we must take responsibility for being the primary teachers of values. While parents are worried about the high rates of anxiety and depression we must realize we may be part of the problem and we most certainly can be part of the solution.

How can you be a contribution to your teen’s well being today?

Last week the Kaiser Family Foundation released data that seemed to shock adults, stating that kids 8 – 18 spend more than 7 1/2 hours plugged in to entertainment media daily. It is interesting to consider this figure while looking at another report that polled parents on the role of technology in education, which puts a different perspective on this subject entirely. And it indicates that parents value technology and want their kids to engage with it in the classroom. [Should we dig in to the distinction between technology used for "entertainment" vs for educational purposes? I think not... it's the same technology and with everyone multi-tasking it seems a bit like splitting hairs. Well, maybe it's not "splitting hairs' if you are trying to get your son to complete his homework, but for this discussion it is!]

Learning in the 21st Century: Parents’ Perspectives, Parents’ Priorities, was released by Blackboard K-12 and Project Tomorrow in March 2009. Data was collected from more than 21,000 parents of K-12 students, 218,000 students and over 3100 administrators across a broad socio-economic spectrum. In this report, parents, educators and students make it very clear that more technology is better, and 80% of parents in this broad-based study think that students are not spending enough time using technology in education. Only one third of parents responding in the survey felt their child’s school was doing a good job of preparing students for the 21st century. They feel schools need to do a better job integrating technology throughout the learning environment. Complaints range from schools not placing the right emphasis on technology to unacceptable quality of hardware and software. Only one third of parents feel that teachers’ skills in using technology are acceptable.

How are your teens using technology in school? Have them show you what they are learning and how technology is playing a role in their education. Make sure you go to the open house at school and are aware of the way technology is being used at the school. It’s changing quickly and parents need to invest time to understand the value and implications of how your teen’s education is evolving with the times.

Mobile technology opens new doors: The study highlights rather different values and priorities between students and parents in regard to mobile devices. While there is some agreement that mobile technology devices (smart phones, PDAs and MP3 players etc.) can help a child’s education by improving communication, preparing students for the world of work and helping to increase student engagement, students place a much higher value on its utilization than parents. Students express a desire to be untethered from the classroom, wanting to be “free agent learners”, in control of their own education. They see mobile technology as bringing them the opportunity to get beyond the school walls, to engage in experiential, collaborative and participatory learning. Indeed, these are some of the big buzz words in education today, and this kind of learning is infinitely more possible now precisely because of mobile devices, applications and tools.

At this time parents typically use mobile devices less than their kids do, and the writers of the study expect that as parents’ use of such devices increase they will more fully see the potential of this technology as having a positive impact on students and learning. What may not be obvious to you now is likely to become more clear when you gain familiarity with what mobile devices can do for you. When you do, you can see new possibilities and understand better what your kids are experiencing.

If it makes you feel better, I too, am new with these devices. I took the plunge by getting an i-phone at Christmastime, and I’ll tell you honestly – I LOVE it! I’m amazed at the apps that are available to me – and many of them truly do make my life easier! And the only way I can really appreciate how communication and education are changing with these devices is to immerse myself. While it takes precious time, it’s time well spent – especially if you are raising teenagers.

*over 21,000 parents responded to this national survey

We are delighted to have been named a recipient of the prestigious Mom’s Choice Award for our audio program You’re Empowered! Parenting Teens with Conviction, Communication and Love. To have been named among the best in family-friendly media products and services is an honor, and validation of our commitment to truly meet the unique needs of parents of teenagers.

Audiobooks such as this one provide a unique way for parents to access valuable information. We recognize that parents are way too busy, and this audio program was designed for parents who don’t have time to sit and read a book. This program can be enjoyed in the car, at the gym or on the commuter train. Available on CD and as an MP3 download, the audio is complemented by a 28 page companion workbook which highlights key points and provides additional tips and information.

Here are comments from parents who recently enjoyed the program:

Here are other award-winning products receiving the prestigious “Moms Choice Award” in the “Family and Parenting Books” category Congratulations to all the winners!

You can better understand your teen, increase communication and improve your relationship today by downloading this action oriented 3-hour program. Available immediately via download, or order the CD set and accompanying workbook. More info about our award-winning audio program for parenting teenagers.

Even though parents are sometimes struggling to catch up with their kids’ use of technology, parents do value its use as a vital part of education. There is a PBS special titled Digital Nation coming up Tuesday, February 2 that will discuss parenting in the digital age, and will touch upon many of the topics I know parents are concerned about. The accompanying website Digital Workshops: Online Resources for Parents and Educators that takes the PBS special one step further with interactive surveys, resources and more. Renee Hobbs at Temple University’s Media Education Lab has once again developed an outstanding, informative and insightful resource for parents of teenagers.

Technology in education is one topic area that is a hot item for parents. If you are curious about its importance in your teen’s education, or unclear about how computers are used in the classroom, this video (from the PBS special) spells out the impact it has made in a middle school in a tough inner city neighborhood. The principal says “technology is like oxygen” to his students and by making it available he has turned his school around by almost every measure.

Be sure to watch the PBS special and view the resources at the website… it’s vitally important information for parenting kids in the digital age.

Are you happy with the way your family communicates? Parents frequently complain about their family communication dynamics. “We all talk over one another,” one mom said. “Everyone seems to feel that to be heard they just have to speak louder.” Another mom said they were in the bad habit of interrupting, and a Dad told me he had trouble getting his teenagers to share what went on in their day on a regular basis.

Communication and family dynamics are a fluid, ever-changing thing. There are constant distractions in any home that work against your communication – interruptions, schedules, moods, and more. And it takes vigilance, attention and intention to maintain the open communication and positive family dynamic that you want. So periodically, it’s helpful to talk about talking – bring up your family dynamics, communication patterns and habits, and discuss what is working, and what isn’t. You not only may be surprised about the insights, opinions and suggestions your teens will offer, you may learn about some changes in your behavior that need to be addressed.

Carolyn and her husband John started a new tradition last year by organizing a family meeting. They put forth a question to their three children: How is our family is doing, and what do we need to change? Frankly, they were stunned by the response! These are some of the most loving, caring and thoughtful parents I know. Their intentions are pure, their priorities are clearly focused on family… and yet their kids were seeing things differently from the parents. The kids said “I wish you and Daddy wouldn’t yell so much.” “Can we have more time to talk?” “You don’t listen to me, Mom.” “I can’t say anything without being interrupted or corrected.” “You lecture me too much.” Wow! The point of view expressed by the kids was entirely different than that of the parents.

And that’s the point.

You as parent have tremendous influence on the dynamics in your family and on your family’s culture, attitude, habits and approach. But you don’t own it alone. This needs to be a joint effort. Too often, parents just forget to solicit input from other family members and understand how things look from another perspective.

You can talk about talking informally over dinner, or you can set up a more formal family meeting. Either way, be open, honest and sincere. Give everyone equal say and an opportunity to be heard. You must be prepared to take some hits as it’s likely you are going to hear about some of your behavior that isn’t working well. This may not be all fun. Both parents will have to be willing to participate in this kind of open discussion.

And when you do you will create the opportunity for some wonderful breakthroughs in your family dynamics.

Let us know about your results!