You know if your teen is one who lives by the beat of a different drum. She doesn’t follow the rules; he doesn’t care what his peers think. These teens don’t fit into the mainstream, and they have stopped trying to fit in. Some are lonely and alone, others find solace with one or two similar spirits.

For all the difficulty teens like this face, it’s hard for parents too. You wonder how to guide them, what they are thinking, why they can’t just tow the line.

This video is for you. Food for thought and a fresh perspective.  Enjoy…

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The last month has been overwhelming as a mother; joyous, exciting and filled with emotion. My son made it; he graduated from college last month, an event and accomplishment that was hard-earned and filled with challenge. I admit there must have been some doubts that it was a day we would see, because the joy feels greater and more sustained than I would have expected. I want to say to everyone I see “You are looking at the mother of a college graduate!,” and I do say it probably more than I should. Some of my friends smile to themselves with a subtle smirk of “Why is this such a big deal? My kid – same age as yours – has been out for a couple of years.” But their response doesn’t dampen my joy or rain on my parade. He did it. And that is all that matters. The world has a new, excited, engaged and talented civil engineer, and he will go great places. As I reflect on our dynamic journey with this marvelous young man, I have learned a thing or two.

Believe in your intuition and be an advocate
The annual cleaning out of the file cabinet last week yielded a large file that looked ready for serious pruning. Upon closer inspection I saw it was my son’s file, with report cards back to junior high, and paper after paper telling a compelling story about our struggles. As I read through them I was overwhelmed by a wash of feelings as I was reminded of what we experienced… memories that make his current accomplishment even more sweet. Embodied in the large file of papers were records of our struggles… and they were our struggles, as there were times I had to be his voice… he wasn’t even aware of the problem. I was reminded of the special testing, the confusing results, the myriad conversations with school counselors, psychologists, and experts. Never a behavior problem, he was the polite kid who would fall between the cracks, underperforming but not being “bad” enough to raise anyone’s eyebrows but ours. His self-confidence suffered, but he was uncomfortable with attention and scrutiny, and it was difficult to diagnose the problem. Not only did it feel like I was fighting with and intruding upon him, I felt like I was fighting the system, and even his Dad who felt uncomfortable with psychologists and anything other than a message of “straighten up.” But my intuition told me there was more going on than was obvious… and I was right. It was an uphill battle over several years, but eventually the support that facilitated the success he was capable of came through, and the positive results began to emerge. Some learning disabilities are subtle, and difficult to diagnose.

There are times to step back and allow his journey to unfold
As I speak to parents of other boys, we so often marvel at how different their college experience is compared to our daughters. I don’t know if the statistics bear that out, but the personal journeys of many families I’ve spoken to do. The boys who wander their way through college – and make parents crazy with worry – are on a different path than those who know their mission and go straight for it. We had to swallow hard to deal with our emotions when he stepped off the college track on his way through, and yet it was his journey to live, and his lessons had to be learned. We couldn’t subvert that process. Just like we couldn’t take his classes or make his daily choices. Was it working at minimum wage jobs that told him the value of the college education? Or was it that he learned he was in the wrong major? Or was it he simply had to mature a bit? Maybe it was a combination of all three and more… but we had to let go of our schedule and needs which was, at times, very difficult. I confess to more than our share of sleepless nights despite the fact that we were 2000 miles away. And what about that? Was the distance part of the problem, or was it going to help him find his solution? There are so many unknowns as you travel this path.

Appreciate and celebrate who he is at his core
One thing we always did well was appreciate what makes him tick. We didn’t ask him to be someone other than who he is… and of course more of that unfolded along the way through his extended college years. He has a deep physical and psychological need to be outdoors, connected to it through physical exertion. He is happiest when he is screaming down the sides of mountains on skiis or a bike; this physical challenge is a need that is in his DNA. I’m sure when he’s 65 he will still be skiing in the back country, sleeping in snow caves and teaching safety in avalanche country. There were times when those gifts didn’t seem as important to us as the calculus quiz or thermodynamics grade, but in the big picture of his life they are probably far more important. And I’m happy we encouraged him to explore and develop these important parts of him.

His graduation party was at 10,000 feet; an outdoor tailgate party in the mountains of Colorado in December. 25 young people and six dogs celebrated his accomplishment; we ate and drank and skied all day. And we celebrated – in his language and in his world of joy – not only his achievement, but the magnificent person he is today.

You’re probably pretty tuned in to your role as “teacher.” To teach your teenagers the skills, values and lessons you feel they need, you use every tactic available to you; you coach, advise, demonstrate, direct, cajole, arm-twist, model, lecture… and more. This is an important, vital even, part of your role as parent. But consider that maybe the reverse is true, too…maybe your child is here to teach you as well as learn from you. If this is true, how would that change your relationship? How might this alter the way you communicate? Would this change the way you look at your teen?

What are the things you have learned from your child? I’ve learned patience, creativity, and how to approach things differently at times. I’ve learned how to give space when all I really wanted to do was hold on to them tighter. I’ve learned to rely on faith that things will work out, even if I’m really not terribly confident.

I marvel at how looking at my daughter is in some ways like looking in a mirror for me. This is less true in regards to her wonderful qualities than it is when she is doing something that is annoying. When I’m not too caught up in the moment, I do have a little voice that points out there is a lesson here for me. More often than not it is because the behavior I’m witnessing that is irritating is behavior that I exhibit myself.  Her behavior – and my response to it- can teach me a lot in those moments… but those are the most difficult moments in which to take in this lesson.

Try it.  Try to focus on what your teen can teach you, even when you find yourself at odds with him. He’s treating you with disrespect? Perhaps that is a good time to practice a humorous way to redirect the interaction.  She’s late for curfew and you’re worried sick? Perhaps here is where you get to practice the art of staying firm without expressing anger. She’s tactlessly treating her younger brother as though he is subordinate and stupid? She didn’t pick up this attitude, tone or manner from someone you know, did she? Truth be told, too often that nasty tone that comes out periodically around here sounds a little too familiar to me.

Ponder this question:  What is my child teaching me? I’d love to hear about what you learn.