You know if your teen is one who lives by the beat of a different drum. She doesn’t follow the rules; he doesn’t care what his peers think. These teens don’t fit into the mainstream, and they have stopped trying to fit in. Some are lonely and alone, others find solace with one or two similar spirits.

For all the difficulty teens like this face, it’s hard for parents too. You wonder how to guide them, what they are thinking, why they can’t just tow the line.

This video is for you. Food for thought and a fresh perspective.  Enjoy…

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Are you happy with the way your family communicates? Parents frequently complain about their family communication dynamics. “We all talk over one another,” one mom said. “Everyone seems to feel that to be heard they just have to speak louder.” Another mom said they were in the bad habit of interrupting, and a Dad told me he had trouble getting his teenagers to share what went on in their day on a regular basis.

Communication and family dynamics are a fluid, ever-changing thing. There are constant distractions in any home that work against your communication – interruptions, schedules, moods, and more. And it takes vigilance, attention and intention to maintain the open communication and positive family dynamic that you want. So periodically, it’s helpful to talk about talking – bring up your family dynamics, communication patterns and habits, and discuss what is working, and what isn’t. You not only may be surprised about the insights, opinions and suggestions your teens will offer, you may learn about some changes in your behavior that need to be addressed.

Carolyn and her husband John started a new tradition last year by organizing a family meeting. They put forth a question to their three children: How is our family is doing, and what do we need to change? Frankly, they were stunned by the response! These are some of the most loving, caring and thoughtful parents I know. Their intentions are pure, their priorities are clearly focused on family… and yet their kids were seeing things differently from the parents. The kids said “I wish you and Daddy wouldn’t yell so much.” “Can we have more time to talk?” “You don’t listen to me, Mom.” “I can’t say anything without being interrupted or corrected.” “You lecture me too much.” Wow! The point of view expressed by the kids was entirely different than that of the parents.

And that’s the point.

You as parent have tremendous influence on the dynamics in your family and on your family’s culture, attitude, habits and approach. But you don’t own it alone. This needs to be a joint effort. Too often, parents just forget to solicit input from other family members and understand how things look from another perspective.

You can talk about talking informally over dinner, or you can set up a more formal family meeting. Either way, be open, honest and sincere. Give everyone equal say and an opportunity to be heard. You must be prepared to take some hits as it’s likely you are going to hear about some of your behavior that isn’t working well. This may not be all fun. Both parents will have to be willing to participate in this kind of open discussion.

And when you do you will create the opportunity for some wonderful breakthroughs in your family dynamics.

Let us know about your results!

I was saddened as I sat in a movie theater last weekend; well, “horrified” might be a bit more truthful.  I can choose the movie I see, but I can’t choose the previews I’m forced to sit through. And the previews were so violent and over-the-top in their sensory stimulation I literally had to cover my eyes at times.   Now, I will admit to you that my taste in entertainment runs to the conservative side, and sometimes my kids laugh at me about my wimpishness… but few parents with young teens would have found much of value in anything on that screen. If this is the best our movie industry can do…. it was a sad example of our contemporary culture.

Contrast this with my current audiobook companion, Experience the Power of Grace by Cheryl Richardson.  Richardson offers a unique example of a cultural diet – she rarely watches the news or reads the newspaper.  Rather, she selectively and intentionally chooses the media, information and experiences she allows in,  choosing them on their merits as soul-food.  If they don’t nourish her soul or support her in her “journey to consciousness,” she doesn’t waste her time.  Interesting contrast to what I saw on the big movie screen, and it got me thinking about what we allow ourselves to consume. We do have choices in the matter.

Richardson brings up an important question that is a good one for parents of teenagers to consider:  what does your teenager’s cultural diet consist of? Does it overload him with stimulation, ultimately desensitizing him to his feelings and internal self? Or is there a healthy balance?

My daughter was not a vegetable eater growing up and in numerous discussions with the pediatrician over the years, I was counseled to view her diet on a weekly basis, rather than a daily one. Our doctor’s even-keeled approach helped avoid fights that would lead to self-defeating results.  I’ve learned to take a similar attitude in regards to many issues in raising my kids. Rather than imposing a complete ban on all cultural influences that I felt were unhealthy for them,  we’d more often go with the flow and make choices and decisions as it seemed appropriate.  And without really thinking about it, the experience of over-stimulation from a heavy-duty scary movie was more often than not balanced by quiet time.  Over the course of a week, balance was usually achieved because of my kids’ natural interests.

Think about it: what are the activities and experiences that provide a healthy counter-balance to the more worrisome cultural inputs your teen ingests? What might some of those soothing activities be?  Quiet time. Time outside in nature. Spiritual resources and connections are an important part of their diet. You probably don’t need to shove this down their throats, but rather acting as “facilitator” you can make sure that they get the trip to the beach, the hike in the mountains, and the lazy day off.  Leave the i-pod in the car and suggest they listen for the birds and the wind in the trees.  And don’t forget a visit inside a house of God that will also soothe the soul.

Time outside in nature serves as a major spiritual connection for many of us.  It soothes our psyche and our soul. The miracles that abound there give us peace, perspective and a sense of eternity that reaches us on many levels.  My 24 year old finds such joy in being outdoors he camps out in the Colorado wilderness in all seasons.  It’s his perfect antidote to a high-pressure demanding world, and it helps him stay centered.  (This photo from a winter camping trip came sailing across my screen yesterday…now is that the picture of joy?!)

Even if your teens are spending time ingesting media you don’t like or understand, you can help them find balance by looking at their spectrum of activities over the course of a week.  Do all that you can to make sure they get a varied diet:  some down time, some time in nature, some time to reflect and develop their inner and spiritual world.

And make sure you get yours, too.

Summer camp changed my life.  The joy of summer at camp was so profoundly fulfilling it’s difficult to describe. Some of the most lovely memories are linked to living in such close proximity to nature…the sound of the rain on the cabin roof;  the very same lake water that was chilly on a hot day was mysteriously warm in the summer rain; falling asleep to the sound of bullfrogs croaking in the nearby pond, the dark Maine sky so full of millions of stars not visible in city skies… how fortunate I was to have those experiences growing up.

The Fresh Air Fund creates chances for New York inner-city kids to get some summer time in the country, either at camps or as guests in hosts’ homes.  It’s not too late to change a kids’ life this summer, and any donations made before June 30 will be matched 100%.

I’m sending in my donation right now. Will you?  More info