Is your teenager counting the days to graduation? This is an exciting time… and it can be a rollercoaster ride for parents.

The range of emotions that parents feel during this event and transition can vary widely and feel confusing.  A week ago when my husband and I were chatting with our waitress while dining out, tears sprang into her eyes as she mentioned that her eldest is about to graduate from high school. It reminded me of a similar situation in Burger King a few years back while speaking with another graduate’s mom who also found her emotions too intense to hold in.

Is graduation a time of joy? You bet! It’s a time to appreciate past accomplishments and to pause before moving into new opportunities. And as parents pause, it is ever-so-appropriate for big feelings to arise. High school graduation is a big rite of passage. Not only is this is one of the biggest events in your teenager’s life so far, it is a huge milestone for you.

Not all parents are overcome with emotions that bring tears. We all feel and express these emotions in our own way. If you are one of those who tends toward the tears, please relax with that. It’s okay. If you are one who is focusing on the joy, that is great too. There is no wrong way to experience this passage… there is only your way.

One mother of a soon-to-be high school graduate who is having trouble keeping her tears in, marveled at and wondered about her son’s apparent lack of emotion about this whole thing. Be aware that kids who appear stoic and unemotional about this event may be fooling you. Although it is entirely possible they don’t feel it the same way you do, an unruffled exterior may be covering up for emotions they don’t want to show. Even in the event that your teen acts as though s/he doesn’t much care about the whole thing, I suggest parents assume that your teenager is sensitive and really does care. A stoic exterior may be covering up all kinds of things: for a sincere need for your appreciation for this accomplishment, a bit of fear and trepidation about going away, concern about whether s/he made the right decisions or will be able to compete where s/he is going…. no doubt there is a lot going on under the surface and it will be helpful to use kid gloves and sensitivity in dealing with your graduate.

It’s been a long road getting here, hasn’t it? After the celebrations are over, you will have some new territory to cover during the summer between graduation and your teenager’s next step. This can get a little dicey… we’ll talk it through in a future post. In the meantime, take it all in. Enjoy it, feel it, walk through the memories and take note of how far your family has come.

Sharon called me in tears last Friday. Her son Adam, a junior in high school, was cut from the baseball team. “You don’t understand,” she said through her tears. “He needs this… his social life is non-existent, he has nothing else. Plus he needs this for his college resume. We’re all a mess. I don’t know what to do.”

This is a big deal in the life of her high schooler, no doubt about it. He is crushed, and feeling particularly vulnerable because of his disappointing lack of friends at the moment. “This is going to be a difficult weekend,” I warned her. It was clear that she was deeply afraid for how her son was going to handle this, and we talked for a while on the phone. It struck me that not only was she hurting because her son was hurting, she was in pain because of her fear and disappointment for him. Parents get to deal with twice the hurt!

Fast forward five days…. in the end, the way Sharon handled the situation was brilliant. In fact it was “text-book” perfect. Let’s review what she did and what made it work. You can apply these same steps when you face a crisis with your teen.

So – are you dying to know how it ended? Sharon had to pick herself up off the floor on Monday afternoon when Adam came home from school with a smile on his face and announced that he was joining the track team!

A situation like this really can cause a family crisis. Parents know when your child is vulnerable and when something like being accepted on a team takes on additional meaning. But even when things don’t work out as planned, new opportunities can arise. And with care and thought, these situations can actually lead to new opportunities for communication and connection.

Learn from Sharon’s response. Her three most important words to Adam were, “I get it.” She understood on many levels how difficult this was for him. And she also knew that he needed gentle, kind but firm guidance to begin to move forward. And with that, he resolved the situation much more quickly than she could have imagined.

Hopefully they have opened some new doors of communication and they won’t wait for another crisis to talk about difficult things. Adam’s resilience was a pleasant surprise. And you can be sure the life-lessons learned from this experience will be with Adam for a long while.

Last week the Kaiser Family Foundation released data that seemed to shock adults, stating that kids 8 – 18 spend more than 7 1/2 hours plugged in to entertainment media daily. It is interesting to consider this figure while looking at another report that polled parents on the role of technology in education, which puts a different perspective on this subject entirely. And it indicates that parents value technology and want their kids to engage with it in the classroom. [Should we dig in to the distinction between technology used for "entertainment" vs for educational purposes? I think not... it's the same technology and with everyone multi-tasking it seems a bit like splitting hairs. Well, maybe it's not "splitting hairs' if you are trying to get your son to complete his homework, but for this discussion it is!]

Learning in the 21st Century: Parents’ Perspectives, Parents’ Priorities, was released by Blackboard K-12 and Project Tomorrow in March 2009. Data was collected from more than 21,000 parents of K-12 students, 218,000 students and over 3100 administrators across a broad socio-economic spectrum. In this report, parents, educators and students make it very clear that more technology is better, and 80% of parents in this broad-based study think that students are not spending enough time using technology in education. Only one third of parents responding in the survey felt their child’s school was doing a good job of preparing students for the 21st century. They feel schools need to do a better job integrating technology throughout the learning environment. Complaints range from schools not placing the right emphasis on technology to unacceptable quality of hardware and software. Only one third of parents feel that teachers’ skills in using technology are acceptable.

How are your teens using technology in school? Have them show you what they are learning and how technology is playing a role in their education. Make sure you go to the open house at school and are aware of the way technology is being used at the school. It’s changing quickly and parents need to invest time to understand the value and implications of how your teen’s education is evolving with the times.

Mobile technology opens new doors: The study highlights rather different values and priorities between students and parents in regard to mobile devices. While there is some agreement that mobile technology devices (smart phones, PDAs and MP3 players etc.) can help a child’s education by improving communication, preparing students for the world of work and helping to increase student engagement, students place a much higher value on its utilization than parents. Students express a desire to be untethered from the classroom, wanting to be “free agent learners”, in control of their own education. They see mobile technology as bringing them the opportunity to get beyond the school walls, to engage in experiential, collaborative and participatory learning. Indeed, these are some of the big buzz words in education today, and this kind of learning is infinitely more possible now precisely because of mobile devices, applications and tools.

At this time parents typically use mobile devices less than their kids do, and the writers of the study expect that as parents’ use of such devices increase they will more fully see the potential of this technology as having a positive impact on students and learning. What may not be obvious to you now is likely to become more clear when you gain familiarity with what mobile devices can do for you. When you do, you can see new possibilities and understand better what your kids are experiencing.

If it makes you feel better, I too, am new with these devices. I took the plunge by getting an i-phone at Christmastime, and I’ll tell you honestly – I LOVE it! I’m amazed at the apps that are available to me – and many of them truly do make my life easier! And the only way I can really appreciate how communication and education are changing with these devices is to immerse myself. While it takes precious time, it’s time well spent – especially if you are raising teenagers.

*over 21,000 parents responded to this national survey

Lisa Belken’s Motherlode post Dirty Halloween Dancing offers interesting commentary on teenagers’ and their dances. Certainly it’s not new that parents and school officials are imposing rules to keep behavior appropriate…seems our society has fought this battle in every generation.  But what kids are doing at these dances today does take it to another level. One high school teacher describes the scene:

… please know that what we are talking about is not just dirty dancing. Please know that what teenagers do when they think their parents won’t find out is graphic reenactments of sexual acts. Take your average MTV video and superimpose your teenager’s face. Remember, the average MTV video of a popular song usually involves one of the following events: a girl dancing on a stripper pole, a girl writhing in simulated orgasm on a car hood, men drinking alcohol and pouring them on a girl, girls simulating sex acts with each other, both genders simulating sexual intercourse with minimal clothing.. the list goes on and on.

Surely we cannot leave it to MTV to teach teens how to behave… and parents who do will have kids who mistakenly believe this is the right way to behave.

Parents, please don’t underestimate the value of your voice in teaching your kids to develop their sense of self so they feel less influenced by such cultural pressures. Somewhere they need to get messages that this behavior isn’t the norm!  Don’t be daunted if your teen rolls her eyes at you – because she does hear what you say. Be sure that you are the dissenting voice and give her all the examples that you can that the overly sexualized images in the media are NOT the norm and NOT the examples for behavior that will support her (or him) and make her proud of her  behavior.

While teens are likely to express themselves in ways you won’t always approve, be sure you are clear and consistent in encouraging them to think through their behavior, be intentional about the image they want to project and in understanding the media does not represent an accurate picture of real life. More thoughts in  The Power of Sexy

This is a guest post by Jan Stewart and Karen Scibinico.

With the school year just beginning, how confident are you that your teen has the organizational skills necessary to manage his/her workload and belongings successfully?
Is your teen :
• Able to find things when needed?
• Get school assignments completed ahead of time?
• Tote the necessary things to school so you don’t receive calls requesting a drop off of forgotten items?

If you answered yes, to these questions, congratulations! Your teen is positioned for success. However, most teens need a little encouragement to start practicing habits that will help them better manage life’s day- to -day tasks now and in the future.

The best way that a parent can help is to model desired behavior. If you want your child to be on time, make sure you are on time, especially for activities that involve your teen. If you want your teen to have an orderly room, make sure that you create order in the rest of the home. If you want your teen to plan schoolwork assignments to avoid a last minute crunch, make sure you do the same. How many of us are scurrying around in April to get our tax returns complete before the April 15th deadline?

Find a calm moment to talk with your teen about getting more organized. Remember to have realistic expectations. While you may be a “neatnik” or the consummate organizer and planner, your teen may not feel comfortable trying to emulate your style and may not need to become a perfectionist in order to be more productive. Help your teen develop an organizational process that matches his/her personality and style. Begin with small steps.

The beginning of the school year is a great time to start the process. Work together with your teen to sort through your teen’s belongings and make sure that needed items are in good shape. Discard outgrown, worn out or duplicate articles and clothing. Create spaces for your teen’s belongings. Make or purchase containers and put like items together. It’s a lot easier to put things away when they have a designated home. Otherwise, closets, space under beds and drawers can become a scary mix of unrelated unknowns.

Does your teen have all the recommended school supplies? One of the most valuable tools is an assignment notebook. In addition to homework, your teen can make notations about things to remember or items needed. Create a location where all school-related supplies are kept. Every night, make sure that backpacks and school work are ready to go for the morning. Have your teen check the assignment notebook to make sure he or she is ready for the next day.

Encourage your teen by noticing progress and giving a word of praise. Provide an occasional reward for a job well done. Once your teen has become more organized, confidence will grow, stress will be reduced, and productivity will increase. The time saved can be spent on other activities, including relaxing and having fun.

For more information on this topic, Julie Morgenstern and her daughter, Jessi Morgenstern-Colon, have written a great book “Organizing from the Inside Out for Teenagers: The Foolproof System for Organizing Your Room, Your Time, Your Life”.

Jan Stewart and Karen Scibinico are partners in a company called, Emerge – Opt to Succeed. They teach a seminar entitled “Increase Your Productivity, Improve Your Organizational Skills” and work with teens to help them discover ways to better manage their time. Consult their web site www.emergewithcoaching.com for more information.

Feelings matter. They matter in school, at work and at home. At some level, we all know this, but when money gets tight and/or there is pressure to meet concrete objectives, many people have a tendency to discount the importance of emotions and feelings, and just focus on getting the job done. But there is data that shows this approach is counter-productive. Let’s take a quick look again at the importance of “emotional intelligence” and Social Emotional Learning and why this should stay on your radar screen… this is as relevant and applicable within the walls of your home as it is in your teen’s school.

What is “emotional intelligence?” It is one’s ability to communicate well, to delay gratification, to tune in to another’s feelings and point of view,  to think before speaking, to consider your response before expressing it, and to solve problems. Although everyone can benefit from some instruction in this area, this kind of “intelligence” comes more naturally for some people than others.

Why is this kind of intelligence important? There is much research and data that demonstrates that emotional intelligence (“EQ”) is a better predictor than IQ for both professional and personal success. We now know that emotional intelligence is linked to:

• improved academic performance
• avoiding risk behaviors
• stronger friendships
• decrease in violent behavior
• staying in school… higher graduation rates
• less disruptive behavior; fewer discipline problems
• improving health, happiness and life success

Let’s examine the relevance of these points to both the school and home environments.

Emotional Intelligence and Social Emotional Learning at School

In a  school environment, SEL (Social  Emotional Learning) programs impact four aspects of the school climate and culture:  Empathy (feeling cared for), Accountability (sense of follow-through), Respect (considerate behavior) and Trust (belief in the people and institution.)  A positive school culture may be the most important determinant for a school’s overall success on all fronts….especially academic success.

The excellent video below describes Alaska’s approach in SEL programming and it does a great job in demonstrating why and how this positively impacts teenagers. (Trust me; it’s worth your viewing time.)  In it they report that Alaska has the highest levels of domestic violence and child abuse in the nation, per capita.  Many kids come to high school from situations at home that directly undermine their ability to focus on learning, so educators in this school have become aggressive in their approach to addressing kids’ emotional needs first, having learned that once they create an environment where the emotions are addressed, they can move on to the learning.  If you think the Alaska scenario doesn’t feel relevant to your teen’s situation, think again. Bullying and judgmental behavior occurs at most middle and high schools.  Your teens are likely to experience this too. Addressing the emotions kids feel and bringing feelings into the discussions in the classroom connects kids, deepens the learning and teaches them vital life skills.

Emotional Intelligence at Home:

How might we apply these concepts at home? Consider the four elements of a school-based SEL program and consider how you apply these in your home:

• Empathy: How is your teen feeling about your empathy for his feelings? Are you tuned in to what is going on in his life? Do you have a sense of what he is feeling? While you may feel that your teen is pushing you away, he also needs to know how much you care.  Find a new way to open up conversations, if necessary.  This may take creativity and perseverance on your part.
• Accountability: Do you hold her accountable to do her chores, come home on time, participate in your family’s day-to-day life? Allowing her to get away with selfish behavior  is doing her no favors in the long run, even though it may feel like you are giving her what she demands.  Teaching your teens emotionally intelligent behavior requires you to think long term and not take the easy way out.
• Respect: Does he feel that you treat him with respect? When was the last time you heard him out rather than imposed your point of view on him?
• Trust: Do you trust her? If you cannot trust her consider the first three bullets in this list. Then you’ll  need to exercise some emotional intelligence yourself as you communicate, tune into feelings, listen carefully and problem-solve together.

Both at home and at school, it’s essential that teens know that feelings matter. When they learn to integrate their feelings with their brains they can concentrate, think and express themselves better. As one program director put it,  “We’re talking about a whole new vision of education that says educating the heart is as important as educating the mind.”

Sounds about right to me.