In a recent conversation with a self-described “stay-at-home-Dad,” I got a new insight into just how different a dad’s experience can be . This particular father is interfacing with the other parents [read: Moms] at his daughter’s middle school and he noticed something interesting: his interactions improved when he wore his wedding ring. How complicated our relationships are… how subtle the influences that impact the way we judge one another… it gives me new insight and appreciation for how dads sometimes have to work extra hard to fit in and find their way to support their child.

Do Dads take a back seat when it comes to parenting teenagers?  The Dads I know are every bit as caring as mothers of teens…. but they do feel like outsiders at times. We must remember the vital role fathers play in raising sons and daughters. This subject has been discussed in numerous blogs since the New York Times ran an article last week  stating “‘Dads tend to discipline differently, use humor more and use play differently…[and] they tend to encourage risk-taking and problem-solving.”

Dads parent differently than moms, and kids benefit from these differences.  While a mother’s nurturing is essential, so is a father’s. And the differences in approach may be exactly where those benefits count the most.

By nature – and of course this is a broad-brush generality – men tend to interact with their kids in more active ways, stimulating them, rough-housing at times, and interacting through shared activities and experiences. It is often an action-oriented connection, different than a mom’s tendency to calm, soothe and nurture. This stimulating interaction encourages kids to take risks, and prepares them for the outside world. Vital lessons for toddlers and college students alike.

Dads and daughters: Some professionals call the relationship between a dad and his daughter a “dress rehearsal” for future heterosexual relationships, teaching them what they can grow to expect from men in terms of love and respect. One fundamental way a Dad can support his teen daughter is by helping demonstrate the value of what she says…in other words by tuning in and listening to her. Men have a tendency to be “fixers,” wanting to solve problems and move on. However, this can undermine a child’s ability to evaluate and learn to solve her problems. A better approach is to listen, offering coaching and guidance only if it is requested. The value in this approach is double-barreled,  not only does it allow a teenager to practice developing her own answers and strategies, it lets her know that she is competent and that her voice and opinion matters. These messages from a father, while subtle at times, can have a dramatic impact on a girl’s sense of confidence… even if these results aren’t obvious for months or years to come.

There are changes in adolescent girls that can make some dads feel awkward and put-off. As a young teen girl becomes focused on her looks, her social life, boys etc., a dad may feel left out and left behind. Some dads may feel awkward as their teen daughter begins to develop a woman’s body. But, no matter the changes, Dads are still needed. To disengage at this critical developmental stage can be harmful to a daughter when she needs this male input more than ever. Dads need to remain tuned into the relationship, confident in the value of their role, voice and relationship. If a dad is not sure how to get past his feelings of discomfort, he should get help on this. This is a parent issue, not a teen issue. Dads and Daughters can be one resource, and here are some tips for dads and daughters.

Dads and sons: The action-oriented, shared-activity kind of connection between fathers and sons is obvious to see. What may be less obvious is the way these interactions teach boys about their emotional development. William Pollack in Real Boys says the roughhousing between father and son actually helps to teach a boy to manage aggression and develop understanding and mastery of his emotions. This may not be at all obvious to moms, but fathers teach sons about managing their feelings and they do it differently than moms do, offering vital and complementary views and skills.

Pollack shares that when fathers are actively involved in their sons’ lives the boys are less aggressive, less overly competitive, better able to express feelings of vulnerability or sadness, higher in self-esteem, lower in incidence of depression and social delinquency.

Dads, have confidence in your vital role. The built-in contradictions that teens give parents – moms and dads alike – can throw parents off  course. It is common for teens to indicate that they don’t want parents around at times, that they don’t care for parents’ input or advice, that family time isn’t what matters to them. Don’t be fooled. This is a time to step up, tune in, be sensitive to different ways to approach your teen… and try and understand them more. One of my favorite quotes that  can serve as a guide for you comes from A. Rae Simpson in her Harvard-sponsored report Raising Teens:

“Frustrating parents, teens want to be with them except when they don’t, teens want their help except when they don’t, teens behave in excitingly more mature ways- except when they don’t… Throughout, they need parents to remain available, taking the emotional high ground by providing opportunities for closeness that teens can sometimes accept and sometimes reject.”

Take the “emotional high ground”… that’s the best advice yet for dads – and moms alike.