Teenagers are famous for their moody ups and downs. In your home do you experience the occasional slammed door, teary outburst or angry shout? It is all part of family life. Let’s set your expectations about what is “normal” and typical for teen behavior and moods, so that you’ll have a perspective on it and still be able to keep communication open, enhance your relationship and find creative and helpful ways to support your teen.

Teens’ emotions are intense. There has been a tremendous amount of research in the area of teens’ developing brains, and today we know that some information that adults process logically, teens process in the emotional center of their brains.  Teens filter their perceptions, responses, and evaluations through their emotions, and they feel their emotions at twice the intensity that adults do. The emotional rollercoaster ride you witness is not your imagination….this is perfectly “normal” for teens.

Intense feelings may cause some teens to spend more time behind closed doors, communicate with you less, and spend more time with their peers – who feel like they do. Some teens withhold information from parents so they maintain a sense of power… helping them to feel independent. While this behavior may be typical, it can complicate your families’ dynamics and your ability to keep communication open. And communication is the key to your success as you guide child away from risky behavior and toward the values and activities you want to teach.

If you find your teen’s mood swings impacting family dynamics, here are some tips for parents/care givers:

• As best you can, try to be a calming influence when your teen is highly emotional.

• Make sure your responses help move you toward a solution and don’t escalate the problem.

• Come back to address the situation or discussion later when emotions are less intense.

• Put yourself in his shoes. Appreciate the fact that your teenager is responding to situations from the perspective of someone who has far less experience than you do. A bad test grade or a break up with a friend can feel like a lay-off or divorce would feel to you.

• Empathize with him; let him know you support him.

If your teen’s behavior and moods are shutting down communication between you and you have reason to be concerned, it may be time to activate your network. Touch base with the important adults in your teen’s life – guidance counselors, teachers, coaches, family members, friends, faith leaders…. Other people who have a relationship with your teen. You can do this in appropriate ways that don’t send out red flags, and you’re sure to gain a different view of your teen.  Frankly, it’s a good idea to plan to do this periodically anyway, so that you have relationships with people who can be called upon to give helpful guidance to you or your teen should the need arise.

Feelings matter. They matter in school, at work and at home. At some level, we all know this, but when money gets tight and/or there is pressure to meet concrete objectives, many people have a tendency to discount the importance of emotions and feelings, and just focus on getting the job done. But there is data that shows this approach is counter-productive. Let’s take a quick look again at the importance of “emotional intelligence” and Social Emotional Learning and why this should stay on your radar screen… this is as relevant and applicable within the walls of your home as it is in your teen’s school.

What is “emotional intelligence?” It is one’s ability to communicate well, to delay gratification, to tune in to another’s feelings and point of view,  to think before speaking, to consider your response before expressing it, and to solve problems. Although everyone can benefit from some instruction in this area, this kind of “intelligence” comes more naturally for some people than others.

Why is this kind of intelligence important? There is much research and data that demonstrates that emotional intelligence (“EQ”) is a better predictor than IQ for both professional and personal success. We now know that emotional intelligence is linked to:

• improved academic performance
• avoiding risk behaviors
• stronger friendships
• decrease in violent behavior
• staying in school… higher graduation rates
• less disruptive behavior; fewer discipline problems
• improving health, happiness and life success

Let’s examine the relevance of these points to both the school and home environments.

Emotional Intelligence and Social Emotional Learning at School

In a  school environment, SEL (Social  Emotional Learning) programs impact four aspects of the school climate and culture:  Empathy (feeling cared for), Accountability (sense of follow-through), Respect (considerate behavior) and Trust (belief in the people and institution.)  A positive school culture may be the most important determinant for a school’s overall success on all fronts….especially academic success.

The excellent video below describes Alaska’s approach in SEL programming and it does a great job in demonstrating why and how this positively impacts teenagers. (Trust me; it’s worth your viewing time.)  In it they report that Alaska has the highest levels of domestic violence and child abuse in the nation, per capita.  Many kids come to high school from situations at home that directly undermine their ability to focus on learning, so educators in this school have become aggressive in their approach to addressing kids’ emotional needs first, having learned that once they create an environment where the emotions are addressed, they can move on to the learning.  If you think the Alaska scenario doesn’t feel relevant to your teen’s situation, think again. Bullying and judgmental behavior occurs at most middle and high schools.  Your teens are likely to experience this too. Addressing the emotions kids feel and bringing feelings into the discussions in the classroom connects kids, deepens the learning and teaches them vital life skills.

Emotional Intelligence at Home:

How might we apply these concepts at home? Consider the four elements of a school-based SEL program and consider how you apply these in your home:

• Empathy: How is your teen feeling about your empathy for his feelings? Are you tuned in to what is going on in his life? Do you have a sense of what he is feeling? While you may feel that your teen is pushing you away, he also needs to know how much you care.  Find a new way to open up conversations, if necessary.  This may take creativity and perseverance on your part.
• Accountability: Do you hold her accountable to do her chores, come home on time, participate in your family’s day-to-day life? Allowing her to get away with selfish behavior  is doing her no favors in the long run, even though it may feel like you are giving her what she demands.  Teaching your teens emotionally intelligent behavior requires you to think long term and not take the easy way out.
• Respect: Does he feel that you treat him with respect? When was the last time you heard him out rather than imposed your point of view on him?
• Trust: Do you trust her? If you cannot trust her consider the first three bullets in this list. Then you’ll  need to exercise some emotional intelligence yourself as you communicate, tune into feelings, listen carefully and problem-solve together.

Both at home and at school, it’s essential that teens know that feelings matter. When they learn to integrate their feelings with their brains they can concentrate, think and express themselves better. As one program director put it,  “We’re talking about a whole new vision of education that says educating the heart is as important as educating the mind.”

Sounds about right to me.