Communication has fundamentally changed – as parents of teenagers know too well! On this blog I talk a lot about how parents must be current in your knowledge of the way your teens are communicating, sharing information and learning. And yet I appreciate, being from your generation myself, that the paradigm shifts that are occurring can be confusing and even intimidating. So, when I saw this video I was excited. Not only is the actual story it tells fascinating, but more importantly, it serves as an excellent example of the way the social web expands connections, collaboration and possibilities. This is the social web. This is a sea change. This is big. And this is your teenager’s world.

In my morning inspirational reading I reopened a favorite book The Art of Possibility by Ben and Roz Zander. In it, Ben Zander notes

“The drive to be successful and the fear of failure are, like the head and tail of a coin, inseparably linked. They goaded me on to unusual efforts and caused me, and those around me, considerable suffering. Of course, the surprising thing was that my increasing success did little to lessen the tension…. {Eventually} I settled on a game called I am a contribution. Unlike success and failure, ‘contribution’ has no other side. It is not arrived at by comparison. All at once I found that the fearful question, ‘Am I loved for who I am, or for what I have accomplished?’ could be replaced by the joyful question, ‘How will I be a contribution today?’

When we measure our success by external measurements – our accomplishment, awards, money, fame, material acquisitions – we are playing in a “measurement model.” A measurement model is usually based upon a sense of scarcity… “better get yours before someone else does.” Zander suggests this is not only unhealthy, it is unnecessary. By reframing our definition of success we open up a world of possibilities – and joy. Rather than live in a stress-inducing scarcity model, we can live in a “widespread array of abundance.”

Let’s consider the high-stress world our teenagers inhabit in the context of the Zanders’ philosophy.

There is an epidemic of stress disorders among our young people. According to a new study, five times as many high school and college students are dealing with anxiety and other mental health issues as youth of the same age who grew up during the Great Depression. Comments I hear from parents reflect this; like “My daughter is obsessed with doing everything perfectly. She doesn’t seem to be able to tolerate anything less than perfection, whether it’s grades, friends, her looks, or anything else. And yet she is fragile and on the edge.” “The competition to get into the college of his choice is so intense it is impacting his relationship with his friends because they are competing for the limited slots.” “My child isn’t in bed before 2am on a typical school night.” Parents know this is unhealthy and you ask: “What can I do?”

Maybe you need to redefine “success.”

Many mental health professionals, educators, parenting experts, and cultural observers note that today’s teens put a high value on the external and visible measures of success. It seems today’s teens have different values to some degree, and we wonder if these values are linked to this rise in anxiety. While a valid cause-and-effect relationship has not been proven, it must be considered. Professionals speculate that the sources of the increased stress come from “a popular culture that focuses on the external – wealth, looks, status” to “over-protective parents who have left their children with few real-world coping skills.” And the students? “Students themselves point to everything from pressure to succeed – self imposed and otherwise – to a fast paced world that’s only sped up by the technology they love so much.”

One 21 year old in the study is quoted:

“The unrealistic feelings that are ingrained in us from a young age – that we need to have massive amounts of money to be considered a success – not only lead us to a higher likelihood of feeling inadequate, anxious or depressed, but also make us think that the only value in getting an education is to make a lot of money…”

How do you frame and define “success?” The way you define success, the way you express goals and reward your teens are how you teach them values.

The Zanders raise a good point: How would your teenager’s experience be different if rather than focusing on achieving a certain gpa, accolade or reward, he were to consider how he could “be a contribution?” How would you communicate and teach this change in attitude? How would you provide rewards?

While parents tend to blame a materialistic culture and images and experiences that influence teens toward this externally based focus, we must take responsibility for being the primary teachers of values. While parents are worried about the high rates of anxiety and depression we must realize we may be part of the problem and we most certainly can be part of the solution.

How can you be a contribution to your teen’s well being today?

Last week the Kaiser Family Foundation released data that seemed to shock adults, stating that kids 8 – 18 spend more than 7 1/2 hours plugged in to entertainment media daily. It is interesting to consider this figure while looking at another report that polled parents on the role of technology in education, which puts a different perspective on this subject entirely. And it indicates that parents value technology and want their kids to engage with it in the classroom. [Should we dig in to the distinction between technology used for "entertainment" vs for educational purposes? I think not... it's the same technology and with everyone multi-tasking it seems a bit like splitting hairs. Well, maybe it's not "splitting hairs' if you are trying to get your son to complete his homework, but for this discussion it is!]

Learning in the 21st Century: Parents’ Perspectives, Parents’ Priorities, was released by Blackboard K-12 and Project Tomorrow in March 2009. Data was collected from more than 21,000 parents of K-12 students, 218,000 students and over 3100 administrators across a broad socio-economic spectrum. In this report, parents, educators and students make it very clear that more technology is better, and 80% of parents in this broad-based study think that students are not spending enough time using technology in education. Only one third of parents responding in the survey felt their child’s school was doing a good job of preparing students for the 21st century. They feel schools need to do a better job integrating technology throughout the learning environment. Complaints range from schools not placing the right emphasis on technology to unacceptable quality of hardware and software. Only one third of parents feel that teachers’ skills in using technology are acceptable.

How are your teens using technology in school? Have them show you what they are learning and how technology is playing a role in their education. Make sure you go to the open house at school and are aware of the way technology is being used at the school. It’s changing quickly and parents need to invest time to understand the value and implications of how your teen’s education is evolving with the times.

Mobile technology opens new doors: The study highlights rather different values and priorities between students and parents in regard to mobile devices. While there is some agreement that mobile technology devices (smart phones, PDAs and MP3 players etc.) can help a child’s education by improving communication, preparing students for the world of work and helping to increase student engagement, students place a much higher value on its utilization than parents. Students express a desire to be untethered from the classroom, wanting to be “free agent learners”, in control of their own education. They see mobile technology as bringing them the opportunity to get beyond the school walls, to engage in experiential, collaborative and participatory learning. Indeed, these are some of the big buzz words in education today, and this kind of learning is infinitely more possible now precisely because of mobile devices, applications and tools.

At this time parents typically use mobile devices less than their kids do, and the writers of the study expect that as parents’ use of such devices increase they will more fully see the potential of this technology as having a positive impact on students and learning. What may not be obvious to you now is likely to become more clear when you gain familiarity with what mobile devices can do for you. When you do, you can see new possibilities and understand better what your kids are experiencing.

If it makes you feel better, I too, am new with these devices. I took the plunge by getting an i-phone at Christmastime, and I’ll tell you honestly – I LOVE it! I’m amazed at the apps that are available to me – and many of them truly do make my life easier! And the only way I can really appreciate how communication and education are changing with these devices is to immerse myself. While it takes precious time, it’s time well spent – especially if you are raising teenagers.

*over 21,000 parents responded to this national survey

Even though parents are sometimes struggling to catch up with their kids’ use of technology, parents do value its use as a vital part of education. There is a PBS special titled Digital Nation coming up Tuesday, February 2 that will discuss parenting in the digital age, and will touch upon many of the topics I know parents are concerned about. The accompanying website Digital Workshops: Online Resources for Parents and Educators that takes the PBS special one step further with interactive surveys, resources and more. Renee Hobbs at Temple University’s Media Education Lab has once again developed an outstanding, informative and insightful resource for parents of teenagers.

Technology in education is one topic area that is a hot item for parents. If you are curious about its importance in your teen’s education, or unclear about how computers are used in the classroom, this video (from the PBS special) spells out the impact it has made in a middle school in a tough inner city neighborhood. The principal says “technology is like oxygen” to his students and by making it available he has turned his school around by almost every measure.

Be sure to watch the PBS special and view the resources at the website… it’s vitally important information for parenting kids in the digital age.

The last month has been overwhelming as a mother; joyous, exciting and filled with emotion. My son made it; he graduated from college last month, an event and accomplishment that was hard-earned and filled with challenge. I admit there must have been some doubts that it was a day we would see, because the joy feels greater and more sustained than I would have expected. I want to say to everyone I see “You are looking at the mother of a college graduate!,” and I do say it probably more than I should. Some of my friends smile to themselves with a subtle smirk of “Why is this such a big deal? My kid – same age as yours – has been out for a couple of years.” But their response doesn’t dampen my joy or rain on my parade. He did it. And that is all that matters. The world has a new, excited, engaged and talented civil engineer, and he will go great places. As I reflect on our dynamic journey with this marvelous young man, I have learned a thing or two.

Believe in your intuition and be an advocate
The annual cleaning out of the file cabinet last week yielded a large file that looked ready for serious pruning. Upon closer inspection I saw it was my son’s file, with report cards back to junior high, and paper after paper telling a compelling story about our struggles. As I read through them I was overwhelmed by a wash of feelings as I was reminded of what we experienced… memories that make his current accomplishment even more sweet. Embodied in the large file of papers were records of our struggles… and they were our struggles, as there were times I had to be his voice… he wasn’t even aware of the problem. I was reminded of the special testing, the confusing results, the myriad conversations with school counselors, psychologists, and experts. Never a behavior problem, he was the polite kid who would fall between the cracks, underperforming but not being “bad” enough to raise anyone’s eyebrows but ours. His self-confidence suffered, but he was uncomfortable with attention and scrutiny, and it was difficult to diagnose the problem. Not only did it feel like I was fighting with and intruding upon him, I felt like I was fighting the system, and even his Dad who felt uncomfortable with psychologists and anything other than a message of “straighten up.” But my intuition told me there was more going on than was obvious… and I was right. It was an uphill battle over several years, but eventually the support that facilitated the success he was capable of came through, and the positive results began to emerge. Some learning disabilities are subtle, and difficult to diagnose.

There are times to step back and allow his journey to unfold
As I speak to parents of other boys, we so often marvel at how different their college experience is compared to our daughters. I don’t know if the statistics bear that out, but the personal journeys of many families I’ve spoken to do. The boys who wander their way through college – and make parents crazy with worry – are on a different path than those who know their mission and go straight for it. We had to swallow hard to deal with our emotions when he stepped off the college track on his way through, and yet it was his journey to live, and his lessons had to be learned. We couldn’t subvert that process. Just like we couldn’t take his classes or make his daily choices. Was it working at minimum wage jobs that told him the value of the college education? Or was it that he learned he was in the wrong major? Or was it he simply had to mature a bit? Maybe it was a combination of all three and more… but we had to let go of our schedule and needs which was, at times, very difficult. I confess to more than our share of sleepless nights despite the fact that we were 2000 miles away. And what about that? Was the distance part of the problem, or was it going to help him find his solution? There are so many unknowns as you travel this path.

Appreciate and celebrate who he is at his core
One thing we always did well was appreciate what makes him tick. We didn’t ask him to be someone other than who he is… and of course more of that unfolded along the way through his extended college years. He has a deep physical and psychological need to be outdoors, connected to it through physical exertion. He is happiest when he is screaming down the sides of mountains on skiis or a bike; this physical challenge is a need that is in his DNA. I’m sure when he’s 65 he will still be skiing in the back country, sleeping in snow caves and teaching safety in avalanche country. There were times when those gifts didn’t seem as important to us as the calculus quiz or thermodynamics grade, but in the big picture of his life they are probably far more important. And I’m happy we encouraged him to explore and develop these important parts of him.

His graduation party was at 10,000 feet; an outdoor tailgate party in the mountains of Colorado in December. 25 young people and six dogs celebrated his accomplishment; we ate and drank and skied all day. And we celebrated – in his language and in his world of joy – not only his achievement, but the magnificent person he is today.

Here’s an idea that stood out again this year as a great way to incorporate test prep into your holiday gift-giving. VerbaLearn is a unique online service that focuses on vocabulary building for grades 7 – 12 (and higher). The service successfully bridges the gap between traditional flashcards and Web 2.0 technologies by offering audio, video, games, and more! The creators of this unique service have done a creative job of making this process contemporary – it uses all the tools kids are comfortable using these days – and fun.

VerbaLearn’s basic service is free for anyone to sign up, but here’s the gift idea: you can actually sponsor a student for $40 to learn the words, much like you would sponsor someone to complete a charity walk. The sponsorship helps provide motivation for the student to learn the words and the cash is awarded to the student as he or she progresses through the course – there are no strings attached! Students can choose from 12 specifically designed courses (e.g. SAT, ACT, GRE) to help them prepare for entrance exams, do better in school, or advance their career. Check out the VerbaLearn demo video below to learn more about this cool vocabulary building service and visit VerbaLearn.com for more information on their unique sponsorship option.

Click for product and pricing info.

Do you ever wonder how your teenager makes decisions? Sometimes a teen’s baffling behavior is a result of a decision making process that makes perfect sense to him…but leaves parents wondering.  Actually, good decision-making is a learned skill, and it’s one that parents can play a key role in teaching.

First, let’s examine why teens sometimes make poor decisions. There are several very legitimate reasons, some of which are developmental.

• Brain development: The part of the teen brain that is not yet fully developed is responsible for long-range thinking, seeing consequences for actions and the big picture.   If your teen doesn’t seem to grasp the long view or see consequences for the choices she makes, she’s not lost forever, she’s just in that stage, developmentally, where these capacities are not yet reliable.
• Social pressure: Teens value friends above all else. They care deeply about how their actions and are judged and evaluated by their peers.  It isn’t as simple as what we think of as typical “peer pressure,” the influence of a teen’s social world on his/her decision making can be much more subtle and more pervasive.
• Lack of experience: Adults’ decisions are based upon many things, not the least of which is experience. This point is simple: teens lack the experience that will help inform good decisions.   And they don’t know what they don’t know.
• Emotions: Teenagers feel their emotions at twice the intensity of adults. This emotional landscape can impact the level headedness required for good decisions.

How can a parent coach your teen to make good decisions? Think about how you make the important decisions in your life. You probably use a process*, whether you are conscious of it or not. This process, and the process that can help your teen probably includes some or all of the steps below:

• Recognize that a decision needs to be made.
• Understand the ideal goal of the decision.
• Develop a list of options.
• Identify the positive and negative consequences of the choices.
• Examine the desirability of each option
• Evaluate the probability for each option.

Teach your teenager to examine, consider and evaluate these steps when making important decisions.  Show him how you have used this process in a big decision, so it becomes a concrete process, not just a theoretical one.  By teaching them to apply a process to their decision-making they will be more equipped to mitigate the influences that can throw them off base from the start.

[10/15/09 addendum: I had already posted this piece several days ago, and yesterday when I was speaking to a group of middle school parents, a mom brought up a great question....so I'm adding the following point...]

Get concrete, then step back. One of the challenges parents face with teens is, while they can be flakey, they need to have the opportunity to make decisions. Sometimes they will do a great job, and sometimes they will create problems with their poor decisions. They need the opportunity to learn from each. One mom asked about the challenge she faces with her son as he organizes his social life. You know the scene here… your young teenager coordinates with friends – and we know how often those plans change! – and then simply expects his mom to be available to take him where he needs to go. While she tries to help out, there are times his last minute scheduling creates real challenges for her. She asked how she can teach him good decision making skills that also take her needs and schedule into account. Great question.  There are several things parents can keep in mind here: guidelines, consequences for actions, and speaking about your needs when everyone is in the right mood.

I suggested to her that she have a conversation with her son when the time felt right –  not when he is in the midst of making plans with his friends – and explain that she has her own schedule and needs and won’t always be available to accommodate him. Presented in the right way he’ll get this. Then, she can create some guidelines that might include a few key questions that he needs to cover every time he is making plans with his friends. These questions might include: “How am I going to get where I want to go?”  ”Have I asked permission?”  ”Have I given my parents plenty of advance notice?”  ”Do I have a ride both ways?” etc. I suggested she discuss these questions with her son and leave them on the family bulletin board.  This way it becomes his responsibility to answer them and have his ducks in a row well before the event. He’ll learn about planning ahead, he’ll have a framework for expectations, and some guidelines on what he needs to do.  The consequences may come into play when last minute plans cannot be accommodated by mom.

It’s a process teaching kids to make good decisions, and a parent’s approach is most effective when it empowers them and allows them to practice and learn.

*As an aside, cognitive researchers are discovering that even in adults reasoning often isn’t organized or logical but may be automatic and unconscious.   So, as you are coaching your teen, it may be helpful to revisit the steps above to remind you of your best approach.

This is a guest post by Jan Stewart and Karen Scibinico.

With the school year just beginning, how confident are you that your teen has the organizational skills necessary to manage his/her workload and belongings successfully?
Is your teen :
• Able to find things when needed?
• Get school assignments completed ahead of time?
• Tote the necessary things to school so you don’t receive calls requesting a drop off of forgotten items?

If you answered yes, to these questions, congratulations! Your teen is positioned for success. However, most teens need a little encouragement to start practicing habits that will help them better manage life’s day- to -day tasks now and in the future.

The best way that a parent can help is to model desired behavior. If you want your child to be on time, make sure you are on time, especially for activities that involve your teen. If you want your teen to have an orderly room, make sure that you create order in the rest of the home. If you want your teen to plan schoolwork assignments to avoid a last minute crunch, make sure you do the same. How many of us are scurrying around in April to get our tax returns complete before the April 15th deadline?

Find a calm moment to talk with your teen about getting more organized. Remember to have realistic expectations. While you may be a “neatnik” or the consummate organizer and planner, your teen may not feel comfortable trying to emulate your style and may not need to become a perfectionist in order to be more productive. Help your teen develop an organizational process that matches his/her personality and style. Begin with small steps.

The beginning of the school year is a great time to start the process. Work together with your teen to sort through your teen’s belongings and make sure that needed items are in good shape. Discard outgrown, worn out or duplicate articles and clothing. Create spaces for your teen’s belongings. Make or purchase containers and put like items together. It’s a lot easier to put things away when they have a designated home. Otherwise, closets, space under beds and drawers can become a scary mix of unrelated unknowns.

Does your teen have all the recommended school supplies? One of the most valuable tools is an assignment notebook. In addition to homework, your teen can make notations about things to remember or items needed. Create a location where all school-related supplies are kept. Every night, make sure that backpacks and school work are ready to go for the morning. Have your teen check the assignment notebook to make sure he or she is ready for the next day.

Encourage your teen by noticing progress and giving a word of praise. Provide an occasional reward for a job well done. Once your teen has become more organized, confidence will grow, stress will be reduced, and productivity will increase. The time saved can be spent on other activities, including relaxing and having fun.

For more information on this topic, Julie Morgenstern and her daughter, Jessi Morgenstern-Colon, have written a great book “Organizing from the Inside Out for Teenagers: The Foolproof System for Organizing Your Room, Your Time, Your Life”.

Jan Stewart and Karen Scibinico are partners in a company called, Emerge – Opt to Succeed. They teach a seminar entitled “Increase Your Productivity, Improve Your Organizational Skills” and work with teens to help them discover ways to better manage their time. Consult their web site www.emergewithcoaching.com for more information.