Discussing teenagers drinking gives me heartburn. I find it painful because it is difficult to do this with honesty and integrity, but to attempt to do less is not only a disservice to my readers, it shows disrespect to those of you in the midst of facing real-life parenting issues.

Here’s my dilemma: I can’t support giving a message to teenagers that it’s okay to drink. And so I encourage parents to stand firm on saying “no” by focusing on all the good reasons why alcohol is unsafe and dangerous to kids. And I believe that… there are numerous facts that support an anti-alcohol stance.

But kids drink anyway. Well, not all kids, but many of them do. Despite parents’ rules and warnings, some teens drink. Parents can find yourself in the situation of knowing that your teen is drinking and not having the power to stop it. So this raises a dilemma for you: if you recognize the drinking and talk with your teen about it openly, you may feel like a hypocrite. You may worry that it looks as though you are condoning the behavior, even if that is definitely not your intention. You may worry about the message that is received by a younger sibling, or your teen’s friends and friend’s families.

It can be gut wrenching for parents to maneuver your way through a disparity between your belief system and your teen’s behavior.

As a professional in this field I would like to keep my head in the sand and say to you “Stay with my ‘Just say ‘no” approach.” But you deserve better.

I recently had a long conversation with the parent of a graduating senior. This child has been drinking for much of her senior year, this mom just learned. These parents are dead set against underage drinking, and they have been very clear about it. And they have a younger teen too. So the dilemma I describe it is hitting her right between the eyes.

Assuming your teen isn’t going to change her ways, parents in this situation appear to have two basic choices: ignore the drinking and keep your message intact, or discuss the drinking so you can address ways to help your teen be safe.

It’s pretty clear to me that safety should win out.

If a parent in this situation says nothing, you are missing an important opportunity to provide guidance and input that can help keep your child safe. If you don’t know what is going on, or choose to ignore it, you may be unintentionally forcing your teen to get into a car to get home by curfew, something you would probably prefer not to do. So, I advocate that, even at the risk of feeling hypocritical, you are better off having the honest discussions. And I suggest you worry less about what you look like to outsiders, and instead focus on having a real meeting of the minds with your teen.

Take the opportunity to talk about this often. Get inside his head and find out what it is that is driving this behavior, if you can. Make sure that she receives the message of moderation and knows the dangers of binge drinking. Be informed so, painful as it is, you can provide guidance, encourage moderation and other activities, and help them make choices that will keep them safe. It is better to be informed and to talk about this than to keep it hiding under the rug.

Kids who drink before they are 21 put parents in difficult, possibly even illegal situations. They deserve to hear about what this is like from your point of view; they need to know that their drinking has possible consequences not just to them, but to you. There is nothing about this topic that is clear or simple, unless they choose to abide by the law and wait until they are 21.

Your choices aren’t easy.

It’s called parenting in the gray zone.

A Teen’s Summer Crisis – Survived

Your notes, calls, comments and conversations have a timely quality about them. Spring arrives with promise, beauty, and the miracles of nature’s annual reawakening… and with rituals and themes that don’t change much in the world of teenagers. Parties, distractions, school pressures, changing relationships…. so many challenges at this time for parents and teens. Let me share a few stories and thoughts that have been ruminating in various conversations over the past week or so…

Parenting teens can be exhausting! Barbara was exhausted last week after deep and long conversations with her son about smoking marijuana. There was planning going on amongst his peer group for civil disobedience and pot smoking on a particular day, and although Barbara was very happy that he gave her the opportunity to engage with him about it, it was trying for her, to say the least. She said “I can see why some parents stick their heads in the sand. It would be a lot easier on me if I were to do that!”

She was thoughtful and careful in her approach with him, making sure to listen and not lecture, and while informing him with facts she was careful to engage with him respectfully. That kind of effort takes time, care, intention and and being informed about the facts herself…. all of which requires energy and more time! Barbara needed a time out when they were done!

Engaged parenting can bring complications, too. Another conversation with a smart and engaged Mom brought forth an interesting situation that may resonate with you. This Mom of college students said she “didn’t give her teens room” to use alcohol or drugs when they were in high school; she said she and her husband were right on top of that issue. With alcoholism in the family the kids were well aware of dangers and issues and didn’t seem to have an interest in experimenting in that area. But one of her daughters had rebellion in her [or should we call it a need for expression?] and it came out in her sexual expression. Their daughter was planning to be sexually active with a boy they considered inappropriate, and these engaged and involved parents resisted and carried on. But, ironically, they had a surprise. When they gave up and relaxed, deciding to step back and allow their daughter to make her own choice and decision, their daughter gave up and broke up with the boyfriend. A sibling explained her change of heart as “it wasn’t naughty anymore.”

Parents might consider how our behavior can drive kids to do the exact things we don’t want them to do! Teens sometimes look for ways to make a statement about their independence and their ability to make decisions for themselves… and if parents play our cards wrong we may inadvertently push them in directions they wouldn’t necessarily go.

There aren’t any hard-and-fast rules here that can help you know how to respond and behave, and these are difficult-to-predict situations. A good start is to be aware to the degree to which your teen is responding to you… which may be driving many of his choices.

Watch PARENTHOOD on NBC. NBC’s Parenthood airs on Tuesday nights from 10pm – 11 edt, and the scenes and interactions between the parents and teens are authentic and worth seeing. Executive producer is Ron Howard, so you know the writing is good. I took note of one particular interaction last week when Sarah, mom of rebellious 15-ish Amber, said to her daughter “I’m through trying to control you. It doesn’t work anyway.” And, like the mom in my last story above, by the end of the show Amber had broken up with the controversial boyfriend.  But, as any self-respecting teen would do, Amber made it very clear to her Mom that this break-up had nothing to do with her. Classic. And a great reminder how important it is for parents to give our teens enough room to save face. It’s simply not important for us to be right, especially if the “right” things happen in the end.

Join me in my weekly discussion about this show. Watch PARENTHOOD on Tuesday nights and come to our Facebook page www.Facebook.com/ParentingTeenagers to dig into some of the interesting questions these parent-teen interactions stir up. It’s good stuff!

Tips from your peers: In celebration of publishing my 100th 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens, I asked parents of teens to share your best tip, answering the question “What is the single best piece of advice you can give another parent of a teenager?” Here are the five tips I have chosen as the most universal, helpful and insightful.

Thanks for the great thoughts from all who shared; for more on insights and input from parents like you, click here: Ten Best Parenting Tips from Your Peers.

From my 100 2 Minute Tips for Parenting Teens, Click for my Top 10 .

Communication has fundamentally changed – as parents of teenagers know too well! On this blog I talk a lot about how parents must be current in your knowledge of the way your teens are communicating, sharing information and learning. And yet I appreciate, being from your generation myself, that the paradigm shifts that are occurring can be confusing and even intimidating. So, when I saw this video I was excited. Not only is the actual story it tells fascinating, but more importantly, it serves as an excellent example of the way the social web expands connections, collaboration and possibilities. This is the social web. This is a sea change. This is big. And this is your teenager’s world.

Sharon called me in tears last Friday. Her son Adam, a junior in high school, was cut from the baseball team. “You don’t understand,” she said through her tears. “He needs this… his social life is non-existent, he has nothing else. Plus he needs this for his college resume. We’re all a mess. I don’t know what to do.”

This is a big deal in the life of her high schooler, no doubt about it. He is crushed, and feeling particularly vulnerable because of his disappointing lack of friends at the moment. “This is going to be a difficult weekend,” I warned her. It was clear that she was deeply afraid for how her son was going to handle this, and we talked for a while on the phone. It struck me that not only was she hurting because her son was hurting, she was in pain because of her fear and disappointment for him. Parents get to deal with twice the hurt!

Fast forward five days…. in the end, the way Sharon handled the situation was brilliant. In fact it was “text-book” perfect. Let’s review what she did and what made it work. You can apply these same steps when you face a crisis with your teen.

So – are you dying to know how it ended? Sharon had to pick herself up off the floor on Monday afternoon when Adam came home from school with a smile on his face and announced that he was joining the track team!

A situation like this really can cause a family crisis. Parents know when your child is vulnerable and when something like being accepted on a team takes on additional meaning. But even when things don’t work out as planned, new opportunities can arise. And with care and thought, these situations can actually lead to new opportunities for communication and connection.

Learn from Sharon’s response. Her three most important words to Adam were, “I get it.” She understood on many levels how difficult this was for him. And she also knew that he needed gentle, kind but firm guidance to begin to move forward. And with that, he resolved the situation much more quickly than she could have imagined.

Hopefully they have opened some new doors of communication and they won’t wait for another crisis to talk about difficult things. Adam’s resilience was a pleasant surprise. And you can be sure the life-lessons learned from this experience will be with Adam for a long while.

Are you watching NBC’s PARENTHOOD on Tuesday nights? You should. They are doing a really good job of bringing up important issues and sharing the points of view of both parents and teenagers. I consider it my duty to watch this show (not tough duty at all! :>) and I invite you to watch it and join the discussion about it afterwards here and on my Facebook page “Parenting Teenagers” (where I post discussion questions.) One thing I want to point out to you: This show presents a great opportunity to open up dialogue with your teenagers that can be really productive for you both.

Here are some parent-teen discussion ideas from last night’s show:

Here is an NBC video with parents discussing the privacy issue: good food for thought…

Parents of teens: Please take our survey: With the changes in communications and technology forever altering our landscape, parents of teenagers have new ways to stay in touch with family, new ways to gather information about parenting, and new technologies you need to  become comfortable using. We are conducting a survey to learn more about parents of teens, your needs and preferences; this will guide us in our work. Will you please take 10 minutes to complete this online survey? Your input is vitally important and will help parents all over the country. Your participation is completely confidential.

Click here to take survey

Please help disseminate the survey: If you serve on a community board, school PTO or other group and can share this opportunity with other parents of teenagers in a newsletter, listserv or on a website, we will be very grateful! And to say “thank you” to you we will share the resulting report with you if you want it.

To share this survey on a website, simply copy the link above. To send this out in a newsletter or email, copy this link to the survey:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TeensTechnologyParenting

Either way, send us a copy of your promotion of the survey and let us know you want to see the report so we can send it to you when it is completed.

Don’t wait! We plan to close the survey on April 8.

Thank you!
Sue Blaney, President, ChangeWorks Publishing
Shelly D. Mahon, Ph.D. Candidate, University of Wisconsin-Madison

We are delighted to have been named a recipient of the prestigious Mom’s Choice Award for our audio program You’re Empowered! Parenting Teens with Conviction, Communication and Love. To have been named among the best in family-friendly media products and services is an honor, and validation of our commitment to truly meet the unique needs of parents of teenagers.

Audiobooks such as this one provide a unique way for parents to access valuable information. We recognize that parents are way too busy, and this audio program was designed for parents who don’t have time to sit and read a book. This program can be enjoyed in the car, at the gym or on the commuter train. Available on CD and as an MP3 download, the audio is complemented by a 28 page companion workbook which highlights key points and provides additional tips and information.

Here are comments from parents who recently enjoyed the program:

Here are other award-winning products receiving the prestigious “Moms Choice Award” in the “Family and Parenting Books” category Congratulations to all the winners!

You can better understand your teen, increase communication and improve your relationship today by downloading this action oriented 3-hour program. Available immediately via download, or order the CD set and accompanying workbook. More info about our award-winning audio program for parenting teenagers.

Are you happy with the way your family communicates? Parents frequently complain about their family communication dynamics. “We all talk over one another,” one mom said. “Everyone seems to feel that to be heard they just have to speak louder.” Another mom said they were in the bad habit of interrupting, and a Dad told me he had trouble getting his teenagers to share what went on in their day on a regular basis.

Communication and family dynamics are a fluid, ever-changing thing. There are constant distractions in any home that work against your communication – interruptions, schedules, moods, and more. And it takes vigilance, attention and intention to maintain the open communication and positive family dynamic that you want. So periodically, it’s helpful to talk about talking – bring up your family dynamics, communication patterns and habits, and discuss what is working, and what isn’t. You not only may be surprised about the insights, opinions and suggestions your teens will offer, you may learn about some changes in your behavior that need to be addressed.

Carolyn and her husband John started a new tradition last year by organizing a family meeting. They put forth a question to their three children: How is our family is doing, and what do we need to change? Frankly, they were stunned by the response! These are some of the most loving, caring and thoughtful parents I know. Their intentions are pure, their priorities are clearly focused on family… and yet their kids were seeing things differently from the parents. The kids said “I wish you and Daddy wouldn’t yell so much.” “Can we have more time to talk?” “You don’t listen to me, Mom.” “I can’t say anything without being interrupted or corrected.” “You lecture me too much.” Wow! The point of view expressed by the kids was entirely different than that of the parents.

And that’s the point.

You as parent have tremendous influence on the dynamics in your family and on your family’s culture, attitude, habits and approach. But you don’t own it alone. This needs to be a joint effort. Too often, parents just forget to solicit input from other family members and understand how things look from another perspective.

You can talk about talking informally over dinner, or you can set up a more formal family meeting. Either way, be open, honest and sincere. Give everyone equal say and an opportunity to be heard. You must be prepared to take some hits as it’s likely you are going to hear about some of your behavior that isn’t working well. This may not be all fun. Both parents will have to be willing to participate in this kind of open discussion.

And when you do you will create the opportunity for some wonderful breakthroughs in your family dynamics.

Let us know about your results!