Please Stop the Rollercoaster! Tips and Tools for Successfully Parenting Your Teens.

Parenting in “The Gray Zone”

June 11th, 2010 by Sue Blaney

Discussing teenagers drinking gives me heartburn. I find it painful because it is difficult to do this with honesty and integrity, but to attempt to do less is not only a disservice to my readers, it shows disrespect to those of you in the midst of facing real-life parenting issues.

Here’s my dilemma: I can’t support giving a message to teenagers that it’s okay to drink. And so I encourage parents to stand firm on saying “no” by focusing on all the good reasons why alcohol is unsafe and dangerous to kids. And I believe that… there are numerous facts that support an anti-alcohol stance.

But kids drink anyway. Well, not all kids, but many of them do. Despite parents’ rules and warnings, some teens drink. Parents can find yourself in the situation of knowing that your teen is drinking and not having the power to stop it. So this raises a dilemma for you: if you recognize the drinking and talk with your teen about it openly, you may feel like a hypocrite. You may worry that it looks as though you are condoning the behavior, even if that is definitely not your intention. You may worry about the message that is received by a younger sibling, or your teen’s friends and friend’s families.

It can be gut wrenching for parents to maneuver your way through a disparity between your belief system and your teen’s behavior.

As a professional in this field I would like to keep my head in the sand and say to you “Stay with my ‘Just say ‘no” approach.” But you deserve better.

I recently had a long conversation with the parent of a graduating senior. This child has been drinking for much of her senior year, this mom just learned. These parents are dead set against underage drinking, and they have been very clear about it. And they have a younger teen too. So the dilemma I describe it is hitting her right between the eyes.

Assuming your teen isn’t going to change her ways, parents in this situation appear to have two basic choices: ignore the drinking and keep your message intact, or discuss the drinking so you can address ways to help your teen be safe.

It’s pretty clear to me that safety should win out.

If a parent in this situation says nothing, you are missing an important opportunity to provide guidance and input that can help keep your child safe. If you don’t know what is going on, or choose to ignore it, you may be unintentionally forcing your teen to get into a car to get home by curfew, something you would probably prefer not to do. So, I advocate that, even at the risk of feeling hypocritical, you are better off having the honest discussions. And I suggest you worry less about what you look like to outsiders, and instead focus on having a real meeting of the minds with your teen.

Take the opportunity to talk about this often. Get inside his head and find out what it is that is driving this behavior, if you can. Make sure that she receives the message of moderation and knows the dangers of binge drinking. Be informed so, painful as it is, you can provide guidance, encourage moderation and other activities, and help them make choices that will keep them safe. It is better to be informed and to talk about this than to keep it hiding under the rug.

Kids who drink before they are 21 put parents in difficult, possibly even illegal situations. They deserve to hear about what this is like from your point of view; they need to know that their drinking has possible consequences not just to them, but to you. There is nothing about this topic that is clear or simple, unless they choose to abide by the law and wait until they are 21.

Your choices aren’t easy.

It’s called parenting in the gray zone.

Here are some more articles on this important topic:

The Alcohol Conundrum – All or Nothing?

Spring Celebrations Invite Risky Teen Behavior

Unexpected Consequences of Teen Drinking and Drug use

College Drinking as a Social “Cure-All?”

A Teen’s Summer Crisis – Survived

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Parenting Exhaustion, Teen Rebellion, and Thoughts from Your Peers

April 26th, 2010 by Sue Blaney

Your notes, calls, comments and conversations have a timely quality about them. Spring arrives with promise, beauty, and the miracles of nature’s annual reawakening… and with rituals and themes that don’t change much in the world of teenagers. Parties, distractions, school pressures, changing relationships…. so many challenges at this time for parents and teens. Let me share a few stories and thoughts that have been ruminating in various conversations over the past week or so…

Parenting teens can be exhausting! Barbara was exhausted last week after deep and long conversations with her son about smoking marijuana. There was planning going on amongst his peer group for civil disobedience and pot smoking on a particular day, and although Barbara was very happy that he gave her the opportunity to engage with him about it, it was trying for her, to say the least. She said “I can see why some parents stick their heads in the sand. It would be a lot easier on me if I were to do that!”

She was thoughtful and careful in her approach with him, making sure to listen and not lecture, and while informing him with facts she was careful to engage with him respectfully. That kind of effort takes time, care, intention and and being informed about the facts herself…. all of which requires energy and more time! Barbara needed a time out when they were done!

Engaged parenting can bring complications, too. Another conversation with a smart and engaged Mom brought forth an interesting situation that may resonate with you. This Mom of college students said she “didn’t give her teens room” to use alcohol or drugs when they were in high school; she said she and her husband were right on top of that issue. With alcoholism in the family the kids were well aware of dangers and issues and didn’t seem to have an interest in experimenting in that area. But one of her daughters had rebellion in her [or should we call it a need for expression?] and it came out in her sexual expression. Their daughter was planning to be sexually active with a boy they considered inappropriate, and these engaged and involved parents resisted and carried on. But, ironically, they had a surprise. When they gave up and relaxed, deciding to step back and allow their daughter to make her own choice and decision, their daughter gave up and broke up with the boyfriend. A sibling explained her change of heart as “it wasn’t naughty anymore.”

Parents might consider how our behavior can drive kids to do the exact things we don’t want them to do! Teens sometimes look for ways to make a statement about their independence and their ability to make decisions for themselves… and if parents play our cards wrong we may inadvertently push them in directions they wouldn’t necessarily go.

There aren’t any hard-and-fast rules here that can help you know how to respond and behave, and these are difficult-to-predict situations. A good start is to be aware to the degree to which your teen is responding to you… which may be driving many of his choices.

Watch PARENTHOOD on NBC. NBC’s Parenthood airs on Tuesday nights from 10pm – 11 edt, and the scenes and interactions between the parents and teens are authentic and worth seeing. Executive producer is Ron Howard, so you know the writing is good. I took note of one particular interaction last week when Sarah, mom of rebellious 15-ish Amber, said to her daughter “I’m through trying to control you. It doesn’t work anyway.” And, like the mom in my last story above, by the end of the show Amber had broken up with the controversial boyfriend.  But, as any self-respecting teen would do, Amber made it very clear to her Mom that this break-up had nothing to do with her. Classic. And a great reminder how important it is for parents to give our teens enough room to save face. It’s simply not important for us to be right, especially if the “right” things happen in the end.

Join me in my weekly discussion about this show. Watch PARENTHOOD on Tuesday nights and come to our Facebook page www.Facebook.com/ParentingTeenagers to dig into some of the interesting questions these parent-teen interactions stir up. It’s good stuff!

Tips from your peers: In celebration of publishing my 100th 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens, I asked parents of teens to share your best tip, answering the question “What is the single best piece of advice you can give another parent of a teenager?” Here are the five tips I have chosen as the most universal, helpful and insightful.

  • 1. Christine says: Let them know their feelings, thoughts and words are as important to you as they are to them!
  • 2. From Pat: Pay very close attention to who they choose as their friends. It says volumes about who they are and in what direction they are headed.
  • 3. Stephanie says: You cannot give to your teen what you do not possess yourself. Make sure to nurture your own emotional, spiritual and physical being. Teens are our greatest teachers…
  • 4. From Carolyn: There are two sides to every story!
  • 5. From Janet: Accept your child for the individual that he/she is. Don’t try to change their personality, their true self. Guiding is one thing; changing is something different.
  • Thanks for the great thoughts from all who shared; for more on insights and input from parents like you, click here: Ten Best Parenting Tips from Your Peers.

    From my 100 2 Minute Tips for Parenting Teens, Click for my Top 10 .

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    The Social Web; It’s a Paradigm Shift Parents Need to Understand

    March 29th, 2010 by Sue Blaney

    Communication has fundamentally changed – as parents of teenagers know too well! On this blog I talk a lot about how parents must be current in your knowledge of the way your teens are communicating, sharing information and learning. And yet I appreciate, being from your generation myself, that the paradigm shifts that are occurring can be confusing and even intimidating. So, when I saw this video I was excited. Not only is the actual story it tells fascinating, but more importantly, it serves as an excellent example of the way the social web expands connections, collaboration and possibilities. This is the social web. This is a sea change. This is big. And this is your teenager’s world.

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    Your Teen Is Cut From the Team… What’s a Parent to do?

    March 26th, 2010 by Sue Blaney

    Sharon called me in tears last Friday. Her son Adam, a junior in high school, was cut from the baseball team. “You don’t understand,” she said through her tears. “He needs this… his social life is non-existent, he has nothing else. Plus he needs this for his college resume. We’re all a mess. I don’t know what to do.”

    This is a big deal in the life of her high schooler, no doubt about it. He is crushed, and feeling particularly vulnerable because of his disappointing lack of friends at the moment. “This is going to be a difficult weekend,” I warned her. It was clear that she was deeply afraid for how her son was going to handle this, and we talked for a while on the phone. It struck me that not only was she hurting because her son was hurting, she was in pain because of her fear and disappointment for him. Parents get to deal with twice the hurt!

    Fast forward five days…. in the end, the way Sharon handled the situation was brilliant. In fact it was “text-book” perfect. Let’s review what she did and what made it work. You can apply these same steps when you face a crisis with your teen.

  • Give him space; allow him to feel his feelings. The cut came on Friday, and Sharon was dreadfully worried about the weekend. And the weekend wasn’t fun for any of them. On Saturday Adam didn’t get out of his pajamas and he stayed alone in the basement much of the day. He didn’t want to talk to anybody. Sharon let him know she was there for him, that she “got it” and understood how much this hurt, and she gave him the space to nurse his feelings.
  • Don’t let your feelings make things worse. Sharon was hurting all weekend too. But she was careful not to let Adam see how upset she was. This can be difficult for parents because it can be hard not to show your feelings. But, if you do let your child see how upset you are, he may take it that he has disappointed you – which will make him feel even worse. So you need to be very careful about the emotions you show and how he construes their meaning.
  • Reach out and get support. Sharon called the parents of some of the other boys who had been cut from the team, and in doing so she felt much better. She also contacted a teacher and former coach who knew her son and had a relationship with him. She asked him to touch base with Adam at school; she felt better that he had an adult watching out for him. Sharon never contacted the varsity coach to complain or to express her feelings about this situation; that would have been inappropriate.
  • Get busy. It was going to be a long weekend any way you cut it. Sharon kept herself busy so she was less apt to wallow in worry.
  • Plan your approach with your teen’s other parent. Sharon and her husband talked about their approach and how they could help Adam the most. They agreed that they would give him Saturday to stew, and on Sunday they would try and distract him and lure him out to a movie or something. They agreed that on Sunday evening they would have a heart to heart talk. It helped to have a plan; it was vitally important the parents agreed upon it.
  • Sit down and talk it out when the emotions are less raw. Adam’s two parents joined him in a discussion about the situation. Key message: “We are not disappointed in you. We are disappointed for you.” They were able to discuss the disappointment in the context of Adam’s social challenges, and this led to some helpful and honest expression of feelings and concerns. This can be one of the silver linings of a crisis like this: things that have been left unsaid come out into the light of day – where they can be dealt with.
  • Decide together on next steps; make a plan. Sharon and her husband had agreed ahead of time that they would help Adam make a plan. He needed some coaching around the actions he needed to take and his options. When Adam said he “didn’t feel like it” Sharon shared all the actions she takes in her life when she doesn’t “feel like it” either. There was a lot of honesty shared all around; no lectures. It was a very “adult” conversation.
  • So – are you dying to know how it ended? Sharon had to pick herself up off the floor on Monday afternoon when Adam came home from school with a smile on his face and announced that he was joining the track team!

    A situation like this really can cause a family crisis. Parents know when your child is vulnerable and when something like being accepted on a team takes on additional meaning. But even when things don’t work out as planned, new opportunities can arise. And with care and thought, these situations can actually lead to new opportunities for communication and connection.

    Learn from Sharon’s response. Her three most important words to Adam were, “I get it.” She understood on many levels how difficult this was for him. And she also knew that he needed gentle, kind but firm guidance to begin to move forward. And with that, he resolved the situation much more quickly than she could have imagined.

    Hopefully they have opened some new doors of communication and they won’t wait for another crisis to talk about difficult things. Adam’s resilience was a pleasant surprise. And you can be sure the life-lessons learned from this experience will be with Adam for a long while.

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    Teenagers and Privacy – Where Should Parents Draw the Line?

    March 24th, 2010 by Sue Blaney

    Are you watching NBC’s PARENTHOOD on Tuesday nights? You should. They are doing a really good job of bringing up important issues and sharing the points of view of both parents and teenagers. I consider it my duty to watch this show (not tough duty at all! :>) and I invite you to watch it and join the discussion about it afterwards here and on my Facebook page “Parenting Teenagers” (where I post discussion questions.) One thing I want to point out to you: This show presents a great opportunity to open up dialogue with your teenagers that can be really productive for you both.

    Here are some parent-teen discussion ideas from last night’s show:

  • Is there ever a time parents have a right to look around in their teenager’s room? How about hack into their teen’s computer? Under what conditions might this be appropriate? How do your teenagers feel about that? Ask them. Try and find a meeting of the minds.
  • The teenagers in the episode made it quite clear that they consider it parents’ own fault if bad feelings are created between them when parents are too restrictive. How might parents and teens maneuver their way through this period in their relationship when teens demand more freedom than parents feel is appropriate? Is there a way for teens to push for more freedom without sneaking or lying?
  • Here is an NBC video with parents discussing the privacy issue: good food for thought…

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    Teens, Technology and Parenting- Please Help with our Survey

    March 22nd, 2010 by Sue Blaney

    Parents of teens: Please take our survey: With the changes in communications and technology forever altering our landscape, parents of teenagers have new ways to stay in touch with family, new ways to gather information about parenting, and new technologies you need to  become comfortable using. We are conducting a survey to learn more about parents of teens, your needs and preferences; this will guide us in our work. Will you please take 10 minutes to complete this online survey? Your input is vitally important and will help parents all over the country. Your participation is completely confidential.

    Click here to take survey

    Please help disseminate the survey: If you serve on a community board, school PTO or other group and can share this opportunity with other parents of teenagers in a newsletter, listserv or on a website, we will be very grateful! And to say “thank you” to you we will share the resulting report with you if you want it.

    To share this survey on a website, simply copy the link above. To send this out in a newsletter or email, copy this link to the survey:

    http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TeensTechnologyParenting

    Either way, send us a copy of your promotion of the survey and let us know you want to see the report so we can send it to you when it is completed.

    Don’t wait! We plan to close the survey on April 8.

    Thank you!
    Sue Blaney, President, ChangeWorks Publishing
    Shelly D. Mahon, Ph.D. Candidate, University of Wisconsin-Madison

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    Proud to Receive a MOM’s CHOICE Award!

    February 2nd, 2010 by Sue Blaney

    MCA_Logo_Color_72@2_Web We are delighted to have been named a recipient of the prestigious Mom’s Choice Award for our audio program You’re Empowered! Parenting Teens with Conviction, Communication and Love. To have been named among the best in family-friendly media products and services is an honor, and validation of our commitment to truly meet the unique needs of parents of teenagers.

    Audiobooks such as this one provide a unique way for parents to access valuable information. We recognize that parents are way too busy, and this audio program was designed for parents who don’t have time to sit and read a book. This program can be enjoyed in the car, at the gym or on the commuter train. Available on CD and as an MP3 download, the audio is complemented by a 28 page companion workbook which highlights key points and provides additional tips and information.

    Here are comments from parents who recently enjoyed the program:9780972777902

  • Wendy, an experienced mother of three teens from Utah says “You’re Empowered not only helps me understand what is going on inside my kids’ heads, it also gives me hope for their future and faith in my ability as a parent. Best of all are the “Bonus Tips” listed in the companion workbook. They are the Ten Commandments of how to parent teenagers and everyone who has a teen, knows a teen, or who lives on the same planet as a teen should absolutely MEMORIZE them!”
  • Fawnda, mom of two in Louisville, CO says “The section on Communication was speaking directly to ME! I think I’ve been focusing more on how I’m going to solve my sons’ problems than hearing what they have to say. As a result of this program I’ve given much thought to changes I can make that will enable me to listen better. I appreciate Sue’s ability to present the big issues while also providing practical, hands-on examples of how to improve my parenting skills. This CD set, along with her Please Stop the Rollercoaster! book have really made a difference in my parenting.”
  • Jeni from Boulder, CO, mother of two young teens says “I have used the suggestions and tools from the audio repeatedly. I can identify with the stories Sue provides and have found the tools that accompany them to help me through challenging situations. I particularly like the 70% solution; this has altered my expectations and helped me be more realistic. This audio program is a necessary investment for you and your teen.”
  • Here are other award-winning products receiving the prestigious “Moms Choice Award” in the “Family and Parenting Books” category Congratulations to all the winners!

    You can better understand your teen, increase communication and improve your relationship today by downloading this action oriented 3-hour program. Available immediately via download, or order the CD set and accompanying workbook. More info about our award-winning audio program for parenting teenagers.

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    Family Communication – Talk About Talking

    January 21st, 2010 by Sue Blaney

    Are you happy with the way your family communicates? Parents frequently complain about their family communication dynamics. “We all talk over one another,” one mom said. “Everyone seems to feel that to be heard they just have to speak louder.” Another mom said they were in the bad habit of interrupting, and a Dad told me he had trouble getting his teenagers to share what went on in their day on a regular basis.

    Communication and family dynamics are a fluid, ever-changing thing. There are constant distractions in any home that work against your communication – interruptions, schedules, moods, and more. And it takes vigilance, attention and intention to maintain the open communication and positive family dynamic that you want. So periodically, it’s helpful to talk about talking – bring up your family dynamics, communication patterns and habits, and discuss what is working, and what isn’t. You not only may be surprised about the insights, opinions and suggestions your teens will offer, you may learn about some changes in your behavior that need to be addressed.

    Carolyn and her husband John started a new tradition last year by organizing a family meeting. They put forth a question to their three children: How is our family is doing, and what do we need to change? Frankly, they were stunned by the response! These are some of the most loving, caring and thoughtful parents I know. Their intentions are pure, their priorities are clearly focused on family… and yet their kids were seeing things differently from the parents. The kids said “I wish you and Daddy wouldn’t yell so much.” “Can we have more time to talk?” “You don’t listen to me, Mom.” “I can’t say anything without being interrupted or corrected.” “You lecture me too much.” Wow! The point of view expressed by the kids was entirely different than that of the parents.

    And that’s the point.

    You as parent have tremendous influence on the dynamics in your family and on your family’s culture, attitude, habits and approach. But you don’t own it alone. This needs to be a joint effort. Too often, parents just forget to solicit input from other family members and understand how things look from another perspective.

    You can talk about talking informally over dinner, or you can set up a more formal family meeting. Either way, be open, honest and sincere. Give everyone equal say and an opportunity to be heard. You must be prepared to take some hits as it’s likely you are going to hear about some of your behavior that isn’t working well. This may not be all fun. Both parents will have to be willing to participate in this kind of open discussion.

    And when you do you will create the opportunity for some wonderful breakthroughs in your family dynamics.

    Let us know about your results!

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    Please Stop the Rollercoaster! Tips and Tools for Successfully Parenting Your Teens
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