Discussing teenagers drinking gives me heartburn. I find it painful because it is difficult to do this with honesty and integrity, but to attempt to do less is not only a disservice to my readers, it shows disrespect to those of you in the midst of facing real-life parenting issues.

Here’s my dilemma: I can’t support giving a message to teenagers that it’s okay to drink. And so I encourage parents to stand firm on saying “no” by focusing on all the good reasons why alcohol is unsafe and dangerous to kids. And I believe that… there are numerous facts that support an anti-alcohol stance.

But kids drink anyway. Well, not all kids, but many of them do. Despite parents’ rules and warnings, some teens drink. Parents can find yourself in the situation of knowing that your teen is drinking and not having the power to stop it. So this raises a dilemma for you: if you recognize the drinking and talk with your teen about it openly, you may feel like a hypocrite. You may worry that it looks as though you are condoning the behavior, even if that is definitely not your intention. You may worry about the message that is received by a younger sibling, or your teen’s friends and friend’s families.

It can be gut wrenching for parents to maneuver your way through a disparity between your belief system and your teen’s behavior.

As a professional in this field I would like to keep my head in the sand and say to you “Stay with my ‘Just say ‘no” approach.” But you deserve better.

I recently had a long conversation with the parent of a graduating senior. This child has been drinking for much of her senior year, this mom just learned. These parents are dead set against underage drinking, and they have been very clear about it. And they have a younger teen too. So the dilemma I describe it is hitting her right between the eyes.

Assuming your teen isn’t going to change her ways, parents in this situation appear to have two basic choices: ignore the drinking and keep your message intact, or discuss the drinking so you can address ways to help your teen be safe.

It’s pretty clear to me that safety should win out.

If a parent in this situation says nothing, you are missing an important opportunity to provide guidance and input that can help keep your child safe. If you don’t know what is going on, or choose to ignore it, you may be unintentionally forcing your teen to get into a car to get home by curfew, something you would probably prefer not to do. So, I advocate that, even at the risk of feeling hypocritical, you are better off having the honest discussions. And I suggest you worry less about what you look like to outsiders, and instead focus on having a real meeting of the minds with your teen.

Take the opportunity to talk about this often. Get inside his head and find out what it is that is driving this behavior, if you can. Make sure that she receives the message of moderation and knows the dangers of binge drinking. Be informed so, painful as it is, you can provide guidance, encourage moderation and other activities, and help them make choices that will keep them safe. It is better to be informed and to talk about this than to keep it hiding under the rug.

Kids who drink before they are 21 put parents in difficult, possibly even illegal situations. They deserve to hear about what this is like from your point of view; they need to know that their drinking has possible consequences not just to them, but to you. There is nothing about this topic that is clear or simple, unless they choose to abide by the law and wait until they are 21.

Your choices aren’t easy.

It’s called parenting in the gray zone.

A Teen’s Summer Crisis – Survived

Your notes, calls, comments and conversations have a timely quality about them. Spring arrives with promise, beauty, and the miracles of nature’s annual reawakening… and with rituals and themes that don’t change much in the world of teenagers. Parties, distractions, school pressures, changing relationships…. so many challenges at this time for parents and teens. Let me share a few stories and thoughts that have been ruminating in various conversations over the past week or so…

Parenting teens can be exhausting! Barbara was exhausted last week after deep and long conversations with her son about smoking marijuana. There was planning going on amongst his peer group for civil disobedience and pot smoking on a particular day, and although Barbara was very happy that he gave her the opportunity to engage with him about it, it was trying for her, to say the least. She said “I can see why some parents stick their heads in the sand. It would be a lot easier on me if I were to do that!”

She was thoughtful and careful in her approach with him, making sure to listen and not lecture, and while informing him with facts she was careful to engage with him respectfully. That kind of effort takes time, care, intention and and being informed about the facts herself…. all of which requires energy and more time! Barbara needed a time out when they were done!

Engaged parenting can bring complications, too. Another conversation with a smart and engaged Mom brought forth an interesting situation that may resonate with you. This Mom of college students said she “didn’t give her teens room” to use alcohol or drugs when they were in high school; she said she and her husband were right on top of that issue. With alcoholism in the family the kids were well aware of dangers and issues and didn’t seem to have an interest in experimenting in that area. But one of her daughters had rebellion in her [or should we call it a need for expression?] and it came out in her sexual expression. Their daughter was planning to be sexually active with a boy they considered inappropriate, and these engaged and involved parents resisted and carried on. But, ironically, they had a surprise. When they gave up and relaxed, deciding to step back and allow their daughter to make her own choice and decision, their daughter gave up and broke up with the boyfriend. A sibling explained her change of heart as “it wasn’t naughty anymore.”

Parents might consider how our behavior can drive kids to do the exact things we don’t want them to do! Teens sometimes look for ways to make a statement about their independence and their ability to make decisions for themselves… and if parents play our cards wrong we may inadvertently push them in directions they wouldn’t necessarily go.

There aren’t any hard-and-fast rules here that can help you know how to respond and behave, and these are difficult-to-predict situations. A good start is to be aware to the degree to which your teen is responding to you… which may be driving many of his choices.

Watch PARENTHOOD on NBC. NBC’s Parenthood airs on Tuesday nights from 10pm – 11 edt, and the scenes and interactions between the parents and teens are authentic and worth seeing. Executive producer is Ron Howard, so you know the writing is good. I took note of one particular interaction last week when Sarah, mom of rebellious 15-ish Amber, said to her daughter “I’m through trying to control you. It doesn’t work anyway.” And, like the mom in my last story above, by the end of the show Amber had broken up with the controversial boyfriend.  But, as any self-respecting teen would do, Amber made it very clear to her Mom that this break-up had nothing to do with her. Classic. And a great reminder how important it is for parents to give our teens enough room to save face. It’s simply not important for us to be right, especially if the “right” things happen in the end.

Join me in my weekly discussion about this show. Watch PARENTHOOD on Tuesday nights and come to our Facebook page www.Facebook.com/ParentingTeenagers to dig into some of the interesting questions these parent-teen interactions stir up. It’s good stuff!

Tips from your peers: In celebration of publishing my 100th 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens, I asked parents of teens to share your best tip, answering the question “What is the single best piece of advice you can give another parent of a teenager?” Here are the five tips I have chosen as the most universal, helpful and insightful.

Thanks for the great thoughts from all who shared; for more on insights and input from parents like you, click here: Ten Best Parenting Tips from Your Peers.

From my 100 2 Minute Tips for Parenting Teens, Click for my Top 10 .

Are you watching NBC’s PARENTHOOD on Tuesday nights? You should. They are doing a really good job of bringing up important issues and sharing the points of view of both parents and teenagers. I consider it my duty to watch this show (not tough duty at all! :>) and I invite you to watch it and join the discussion about it afterwards here and on my Facebook page “Parenting Teenagers” (where I post discussion questions.) One thing I want to point out to you: This show presents a great opportunity to open up dialogue with your teenagers that can be really productive for you both.

Here are some parent-teen discussion ideas from last night’s show:

Here is an NBC video with parents discussing the privacy issue: good food for thought…

Parents of teens: Please take our survey: With the changes in communications and technology forever altering our landscape, parents of teenagers have new ways to stay in touch with family, new ways to gather information about parenting, and new technologies you need to  become comfortable using. We are conducting a survey to learn more about parents of teens, your needs and preferences; this will guide us in our work. Will you please take 10 minutes to complete this online survey? Your input is vitally important and will help parents all over the country. Your participation is completely confidential.

Click here to take survey

Please help disseminate the survey: If you serve on a community board, school PTO or other group and can share this opportunity with other parents of teenagers in a newsletter, listserv or on a website, we will be very grateful! And to say “thank you” to you we will share the resulting report with you if you want it.

To share this survey on a website, simply copy the link above. To send this out in a newsletter or email, copy this link to the survey:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TeensTechnologyParenting

Either way, send us a copy of your promotion of the survey and let us know you want to see the report so we can send it to you when it is completed.

Don’t wait! We plan to close the survey on April 8.

Thank you!
Sue Blaney, President, ChangeWorks Publishing
Shelly D. Mahon, Ph.D. Candidate, University of Wisconsin-Madison

“Pseudo-adulthood.” That’s how one dad describes the status of his college freshman.  I think he may have described it pretty accurately; college freshmen really are living between two worlds, especially as they arrive home for Christmas vacation. Let’s put ourselves into your kids’ shoes as college freshmen, and prepare for the upcoming long holiday break.

In Letting Go, A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years by Coburn and Treeger two quotes from college kids begin to paint a picture parents will find enlightening:

• A junior at Tufts recalls: “I  didn’t go home until Christmas freshman year. It was really awful. I remember lying in bed crying the first night and thinking ‘Sara, you’re not the same Sara who left here…’”
• A senior at Drake describes his reaction to his first vacation back home: “… it was a feeling of not having a place where I was comfortable anymore. Home was no longer the way I knew it, and yet school was not home yet; I hadn’t spent enough time there. It was really a lost feeling for a while.”

How do these quotes make you feel? Your teenager’s experience of coming home may be quite different than your expectations, which brings me to my first tip for parents:

TIP ONE: Put yourself in your teenager’s shoes. Consider that your teenager has been living away from home for several months now, and has a new sense of herself. Then she comes home for Christmas vacation… and she may arrive with the new, more critical eyes of an outsider. She may criticize family rituals and norms she never noticed before. This would not be a reflection on you as much as it is about her changing experiences and expanded point of view. She is experiencing an odd combination of independence and dependence. She feels a bit conflicted and this may cause her irritation at times – likely to be directed at you. If you can imagine her point of view you can see that she arrived home and was instantly inserted into old roles and old patterns… that don’t fit anymore. You are both in new territory, and these roles and relationships are evolving into something new. Try and be patient (with both of you!) during this time of transition. This can be a challenging time for young people and parents alike.

Rules and boundaries: Parents of college freshmen wonder about setting rules and boundaries when the kids are at home on vacation. You are fully aware that your kids have been setting their own schedules and time-tables for several months, now. So how do you manage the late nights, the possible drinking, and other new and possibly awkward choices and decisions?

TIP TWO: Negotiate, compromise, and use “I” sentences. It is doubtful your college freshman wants to be disruptive or disrespectful, so begin by treating him with respect.  You might say something like “You’ve had a lot of freedom the last few months, so you’ve probably gotten pretty good at making good decisions. Let’s figure out a compromise that will give you the freedom that feels right, while not disrupting everyone here.” or “I can’t sleep until everyone is home… Let’s find a scenario that is fair to you and fair to me.”

As far as the drinking goes, this one can get tricky for parents, especially if your student has been drinking at school. Without going into the obvious reminders about the dangers of underage drinking, you deserve to be concerned about safety for your kids, and your own liability if drinking is going to take place. So first, remember you have every right to put your foot down and say “no.”  Again, discuss this issue honestly and directly with your college student. Keep safety at the forefront of your focus, and enlist your young adult in finding a solution that works for all concerned. If your college student is going to drink in your home, keep him out of cars, and allow his friends to stay the night. And be aware there are serious liability issues involved in allowing underage drinking in your home.

Communication: Communication often changes when kids go to college. Parents feel disconnected and miss the nuances in knowing what is going on in their teen’s daily life. This can set you up for high expectations for connecting during vacation and creates an opportunity for discussing new ways to communicate during the next semester. This leads me to my next two tips:

TIP THREE: Talk about expectations… yours’ and theirs’. Many parents envision magical times of connection and conversation during vacation… while your college student may be in a rush to get out the door to visit with her friends. It is helpful if you plan your family time and let your college student know when his or her company is expected. If spontaneity is a goal of yours and you resist planning events, at least block out periods of time so your teen knows when and where she is needed. It is helpful to ask your college student what his expectations are of you, so you, too, can be available to share time and make sure he gets what he wants from his visit home.

TIP FOUR: Talk about talking. With one semester under her belt you may have set new patterns for your communication. Check in and discuss how it worked for both of you. Talk about what worked best. What kind of adjustments would be helpful to keep you both satisfied and connected, but not overly reliant on one another? It is helpful to discuss communication so you can clear the air and make necessary adjustments.

For those of you with students who are far from home, some families report their enjoyment in using skype or another video based service. Consider installing this and practice using it with your student while she is home so you can enjoy it upon her return to school.

Developmental realities: Your young adult is not yet fully “cooked”, as they say. No matter how much they may want you to look at them as full adults, they still have a lot of growing up to do. In fact, recent research indicates that the developmental changes that occur between 18 – 23 are just as dramatic as the changes that occurred between 12 – 18!  (The best resource I’ve seen that describes the development during this “young adult” stage is from the MIT Young Adult Development Project. ) Because your college freshman is not a full-grown adult, be smart about your expectations and how you handle your discussions. It’s best to provide guidance in a way that facilitates and supports your teenager’s ability to make good decisions. This informs our next three tips:

TIP FIVE: Give validation, not advice. Advice-giving takes on a new look with college kids. It’s best to focus on hearing them out, encouraging them to verbalize what they are struggling with, then validate their feelings. That may be all they need from you. What does it mean to “validate their feelings?” Say things like “That must be hard.” or “I can understand why that is a challenge.” Show them that you understand what they are feeling. If they want your advice, let them ask for it.

TIP SIX: Use open-ended questions. You can guide your college student by the skillful use of open-ended questions like “What do you plan to do about it?” “What will you need to do to resolve this?” “Is there another point of view to consider?” “What are your options?” Questions like this are helpful in that they keep the problem-solving in your teen’s court – where it belongs.

TIP SEVEN: Expect inconsistent behavior. Your student’s behavior may vary widely during his vacation stay. One moment he may be content to hang with his high school freshman brother – and behave much like him. And the next moment he may feel light years older and more mature. Mood swings and changing reactions to the environment around him are very typical.

I can’t wait until my kids come home for the holidays, and I’m sure you are looking forward with anticipation too. Be mindful they may come home very tired from finals, possibly fighting colds or flu, and  as magical and wonderful as we hope our holidays will be, it may take some thoughtful assessment on our part to make our holidays be the wonderful family time we hope for.

Enjoy!

I hear many parents of teenagers express concern about their teens’ over-use of cellphones, computers etc. to communicate with their friends. Parents say “I’m worried our kids are not developing skills for inter-personal communication. They spend too much time texting and IM’ing and writing on Facebook…”

Yes, but. New research says not to worry. The technological tools that enable us to connect with one another online, are helping us to increase our personal, in-the-flesh connections too.

I have huge empathy for the parents of teenagers who are struggling to understand, use and embrace these new forms of communication. I spend every day trying to figure it all out myself! And for me, not being a digital native, this does not come naturally. But we have a choice; we can be like my older brother who says “hell will freeze over before I join Facebook” or we can go with the flow and invest some time in learning about the new world. The train has left the station, the question is are you on board?

If you are currently parenting teens, I think your choice is obvious. If you don’t figure out how to play this game, your kids will leave you behind. And you won’t be in a position to support, guide or help them… and the fact is, they need you.

Here’s a quote from Trendwatching.com in their December report. One of the major trends they identify is what they call “Mass Mingling.” (It’s #5 here. )

“More people than ever will be living large parts of their lives online in 2010. Yet, those same people will also mingle, meet up, and congregate more often with other ‘warm bodies’ in the offline world.
In fact, social media and mobile communications are fueling a MASS MINGLING that defies virtually every cliché about diminished human interaction in our ‘online era’.

Basically, the more people can get their hands on the right info, at home and on the go; the more they date and network and twitter and socialize online, the more likely they are to eventually meet up with friends and followers in the real world. Why? Because people actually enjoy interacting with other warm bodies, and will do so forever.”

Random thoughts this morning…. a little disjointed, but food for thought.  First, I want to applaud and recognize all parents of teenagers who have the courage of your convictions. As I talk to parents, peruse the web and consider the choices, decisions, and issues you face every day, I just want to recognize the difficulty of this job today. And I want to encourage you to keep the courage of your convictions… if you believe you are making the best choices and decisions that you can, that is the best you can do.

Let’s face it; our experiences just don’t translate in many ways to the experiences of our teenagers. This generation of digital natives has a profoundly different set of expectations around the way they gather information and use it.  Many parents are struggling to catch up themselves…. and struggling to find the right set of rules for their kids. The “generation gap” that was so obvious in the 60’s and 70’s is alive and well today, most obviously in the way the generations communicate and use technology.

Retraining required: I am in the (rather painful) process of switching from a PC to a Mac. Apple has a wonderful program called One-to-One where for $99 I can get all the personal training I can use for one year at my local Apple store. I am there regularly. And the first thing I say to my trainer, so far a different Gen Y-er every time, is “for me there is nothing natural about using a computer.”  It is a point of view, a way of thinking that is different from many young people today.  For them, this appears to be natural.  Mobile communication; instant communication; constant communication… natural for them. Unnatural for me.  I felt validated the other night when I overheard a customer explain his difficulties in working with his computer by saying “I’m old!”  Today’s language and medium is just different.

Cell phones and teens: Decisions around when to allow your teen a cell phone is just one classic example of the intersection of parental convictions and teens’ use of  technology.  This two part essay is written by a writer for the Wall St. Journal and his 14 year old son, each giving their point of view on the cell phone issue.  Levi, the son, shares some good reasons why it is time that he get his own cell phone…not the least of which he is quite literally the only kid he knows who doesn’t have one. And Steve, his Dad, shares why Levi doesn’t have one yet.

Here’s my point: Bravo to Steve for his convictions. Even if Levi is the only kid in his school without a cell phone, if his parents sincerely feel this is the right choice for their family, then I give them full credit for that. Too many parents get buffeted by the pressure and expectations of their kids and the expectations and norms in their community. I do believe we should listen to what our teens are saying…and recognize the norms and expectations in our community…and then make our personal decisions, even if they go against the tide.  That’s the kind of personal conviction that gets my respect.

iCurfew is a new iPhone app just announced this week from my colleague Vanessa Van Petten at Radical Parenting. I don’t have an i-phone, so I haven’t tested this out, but I really like the sound of it. I’ve been approached numerous times to write about various devices that monitor teens. I have declined so far because I

iCurfew iPhone app

don’t have the staff or ability to properly evaluate such products, and because  electronically monitoring teens feels really intrusive to me.  It might be right for you…. I just don’t want to go there.  iCurfew utilizes the built-in GPS feature in your iPhone and allows your teen to send a parent an email message that identifies their whereabouts.  What appears to be interesting about iCurfew is that they are encouraging kids to use it voluntarily as a way to confirm their location and keep honest communication open between teens and their parents.   If you have an i-phone and try it out, please share your comments here.

I won’t be holding my breath to hear from Levi or Steve on the matter, though.

Talking to your teens about sex is one of those things parents often dread; not all parents, just most of you. And yet, teaching your kids about sex is one of the most important jobs you have to do.

Sex is front and center every time you turn on the tube, go to the movies or see the magazines at the grocery check out. And sex is front and center in the brains of teenagers every day. But there is a time and place when these thoughts and feelings can be expressed, and there are other times when they need to be suppressed.  Adults know the parameters; kids need your coaching.

Dr Sharon Maxwell has a very helpful approach on this important subject.  Dr Maxwell is a psychologist and author of an excellent book on the subject: The Talk; A Breakthrough Guide to Raising Healthy Kids in an Oversexualized, Online, In-Your-Face World. She suggests that parents begin by framing the conversation about sex by discussing “desire” and “energy.”

Dr. Maxwell asks us to consider the power of “desire” and how many desires drive our behavior…desire for food, for pleasure, for safety, etc. She notes “Some desires, like the desire for food, we are born with; others, like sexual desire, only happen when our bodies are ready to reproduce. Learning to control our desires is a concept even young children can understand.  And we learn to control the energy around our desires and drives as we mature.

This is where her approach feels particularly creative and helpful.  Dr Maxwell says: “When we talk about desire as a form of energy, we open the door to a rich conversation about how this energy is activated, how it can be manipulated, and how we, as human beings, develop the muscle to control this energy. By giving our kids a way of understanding their relationship to all desires, we take sexual desire out of the domain of music videos, defuse the titillation, and show our kids that sex is just another, very important form of energy that we are responsible for learning how to control and direct.” (The Talk, pp 45 – 46)

So, consider how do any of us use, understand and communicate our sexual energy? How might a teen find appropriate ways to use, understand or communicate his/her sexual energy? Learning to control and direct sexual desire is like learning how to control and direct other kinds of desire…it requires developing the right muscles, self-discipline and being conscious of living your values.  Does this approach make talking about this topic feel easier to you?

Looking at sexual desire as “energy” also opens the door for discussions about the appropriate time and place for that energy to be expressed. Is  math class the best place for sexual energy to be expressed? Even your teen is likely to agree on that one.

Dr Maxwell has an excellent handout titled “Talking to Kids About Sex, Desire and the Power of  Sexy” from which I will provide a few excerpts.  I highly recommend her materials and am confident you will find her approach reassuring, comfortable and sensible.

1. Sexuality is a great and powerful source of energy. .. But with great power comes great responsibility and learning how to be a responsible adult means learning how to control and direct your sexual energy.

2. When your body first starts to become sexually mature the energy of your sexual feelings can be overwhelming. In the same way that you need to learn how to control the power of a car, you have to learn how to control the power of your sexual feelings.

3. Learning to control and direct the power of sexual desire takes the same kind of muscle as controlling angry feelings or hungry feelings, the power of self-discipline.

4. Sexual desire, and its complement, the ability to elicit sexual desire in others, are powerful forces. Like all desires, sexual desire can be manipulated by what you see, hear, feel and smell.

5. Advertisers manipulate people’s sexual feelings to get them to buy things. Teens are sold the idea that looking and acting sexy is a way to get power. Advertisers know that teens are insecure about their sexuality and that they can use that insecurity to sell products.

These are excellent conversation openers that frame this conversation in a way that is helpful, accurate, non-threatening and respectful.