The last month has been overwhelming as a mother; joyous, exciting and filled with emotion. My son made it; he graduated from college last month, an event and accomplishment that was hard-earned and filled with challenge. I admit there must have been some doubts that it was a day we would see, because the joy feels greater and more sustained than I would have expected. I want to say to everyone I see “You are looking at the mother of a college graduate!,” and I do say it probably more than I should. Some of my friends smile to themselves with a subtle smirk of “Why is this such a big deal? My kid – same age as yours – has been out for a couple of years.” But their response doesn’t dampen my joy or rain on my parade. He did it. And that is all that matters. The world has a new, excited, engaged and talented civil engineer, and he will go great places. As I reflect on our dynamic journey with this marvelous young man, I have learned a thing or two.

Believe in your intuition and be an advocate
The annual cleaning out of the file cabinet last week yielded a large file that looked ready for serious pruning. Upon closer inspection I saw it was my son’s file, with report cards back to junior high, and paper after paper telling a compelling story about our struggles. As I read through them I was overwhelmed by a wash of feelings as I was reminded of what we experienced… memories that make his current accomplishment even more sweet. Embodied in the large file of papers were records of our struggles… and they were our struggles, as there were times I had to be his voice… he wasn’t even aware of the problem. I was reminded of the special testing, the confusing results, the myriad conversations with school counselors, psychologists, and experts. Never a behavior problem, he was the polite kid who would fall between the cracks, underperforming but not being “bad” enough to raise anyone’s eyebrows but ours. His self-confidence suffered, but he was uncomfortable with attention and scrutiny, and it was difficult to diagnose the problem. Not only did it feel like I was fighting with and intruding upon him, I felt like I was fighting the system, and even his Dad who felt uncomfortable with psychologists and anything other than a message of “straighten up.” But my intuition told me there was more going on than was obvious… and I was right. It was an uphill battle over several years, but eventually the support that facilitated the success he was capable of came through, and the positive results began to emerge. Some learning disabilities are subtle, and difficult to diagnose.

There are times to step back and allow his journey to unfold
As I speak to parents of other boys, we so often marvel at how different their college experience is compared to our daughters. I don’t know if the statistics bear that out, but the personal journeys of many families I’ve spoken to do. The boys who wander their way through college – and make parents crazy with worry – are on a different path than those who know their mission and go straight for it. We had to swallow hard to deal with our emotions when he stepped off the college track on his way through, and yet it was his journey to live, and his lessons had to be learned. We couldn’t subvert that process. Just like we couldn’t take his classes or make his daily choices. Was it working at minimum wage jobs that told him the value of the college education? Or was it that he learned he was in the wrong major? Or was it he simply had to mature a bit? Maybe it was a combination of all three and more… but we had to let go of our schedule and needs which was, at times, very difficult. I confess to more than our share of sleepless nights despite the fact that we were 2000 miles away. And what about that? Was the distance part of the problem, or was it going to help him find his solution? There are so many unknowns as you travel this path.

Appreciate and celebrate who he is at his core
One thing we always did well was appreciate what makes him tick. We didn’t ask him to be someone other than who he is… and of course more of that unfolded along the way through his extended college years. He has a deep physical and psychological need to be outdoors, connected to it through physical exertion. He is happiest when he is screaming down the sides of mountains on skiis or a bike; this physical challenge is a need that is in his DNA. I’m sure when he’s 65 he will still be skiing in the back country, sleeping in snow caves and teaching safety in avalanche country. There were times when those gifts didn’t seem as important to us as the calculus quiz or thermodynamics grade, but in the big picture of his life they are probably far more important. And I’m happy we encouraged him to explore and develop these important parts of him.

His graduation party was at 10,000 feet; an outdoor tailgate party in the mountains of Colorado in December. 25 young people and six dogs celebrated his accomplishment; we ate and drank and skied all day. And we celebrated – in his language and in his world of joy – not only his achievement, but the magnificent person he is today.

“Pseudo-adulthood.” That’s how one dad describes the status of his college freshman.  I think he may have described it pretty accurately; college freshmen really are living between two worlds, especially as they arrive home for Christmas vacation. Let’s put ourselves into your kids’ shoes as college freshmen, and prepare for the upcoming long holiday break.

In Letting Go, A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years by Coburn and Treeger two quotes from college kids begin to paint a picture parents will find enlightening:

• A junior at Tufts recalls: “I  didn’t go home until Christmas freshman year. It was really awful. I remember lying in bed crying the first night and thinking ‘Sara, you’re not the same Sara who left here…’”
• A senior at Drake describes his reaction to his first vacation back home: “… it was a feeling of not having a place where I was comfortable anymore. Home was no longer the way I knew it, and yet school was not home yet; I hadn’t spent enough time there. It was really a lost feeling for a while.”

How do these quotes make you feel? Your teenager’s experience of coming home may be quite different than your expectations, which brings me to my first tip for parents:

TIP ONE: Put yourself in your teenager’s shoes. Consider that your teenager has been living away from home for several months now, and has a new sense of herself. Then she comes home for Christmas vacation… and she may arrive with the new, more critical eyes of an outsider. She may criticize family rituals and norms she never noticed before. This would not be a reflection on you as much as it is about her changing experiences and expanded point of view. She is experiencing an odd combination of independence and dependence. She feels a bit conflicted and this may cause her irritation at times – likely to be directed at you. If you can imagine her point of view you can see that she arrived home and was instantly inserted into old roles and old patterns… that don’t fit anymore. You are both in new territory, and these roles and relationships are evolving into something new. Try and be patient (with both of you!) during this time of transition. This can be a challenging time for young people and parents alike.

Rules and boundaries: Parents of college freshmen wonder about setting rules and boundaries when the kids are at home on vacation. You are fully aware that your kids have been setting their own schedules and time-tables for several months, now. So how do you manage the late nights, the possible drinking, and other new and possibly awkward choices and decisions?

TIP TWO: Negotiate, compromise, and use “I” sentences. It is doubtful your college freshman wants to be disruptive or disrespectful, so begin by treating him with respect.  You might say something like “You’ve had a lot of freedom the last few months, so you’ve probably gotten pretty good at making good decisions. Let’s figure out a compromise that will give you the freedom that feels right, while not disrupting everyone here.” or “I can’t sleep until everyone is home… Let’s find a scenario that is fair to you and fair to me.”

As far as the drinking goes, this one can get tricky for parents, especially if your student has been drinking at school. Without going into the obvious reminders about the dangers of underage drinking, you deserve to be concerned about safety for your kids, and your own liability if drinking is going to take place. So first, remember you have every right to put your foot down and say “no.”  Again, discuss this issue honestly and directly with your college student. Keep safety at the forefront of your focus, and enlist your young adult in finding a solution that works for all concerned. If your college student is going to drink in your home, keep him out of cars, and allow his friends to stay the night. And be aware there are serious liability issues involved in allowing underage drinking in your home.

Communication: Communication often changes when kids go to college. Parents feel disconnected and miss the nuances in knowing what is going on in their teen’s daily life. This can set you up for high expectations for connecting during vacation and creates an opportunity for discussing new ways to communicate during the next semester. This leads me to my next two tips:

TIP THREE: Talk about expectations… yours’ and theirs’. Many parents envision magical times of connection and conversation during vacation… while your college student may be in a rush to get out the door to visit with her friends. It is helpful if you plan your family time and let your college student know when his or her company is expected. If spontaneity is a goal of yours and you resist planning events, at least block out periods of time so your teen knows when and where she is needed. It is helpful to ask your college student what his expectations are of you, so you, too, can be available to share time and make sure he gets what he wants from his visit home.

TIP FOUR: Talk about talking. With one semester under her belt you may have set new patterns for your communication. Check in and discuss how it worked for both of you. Talk about what worked best. What kind of adjustments would be helpful to keep you both satisfied and connected, but not overly reliant on one another? It is helpful to discuss communication so you can clear the air and make necessary adjustments.

For those of you with students who are far from home, some families report their enjoyment in using skype or another video based service. Consider installing this and practice using it with your student while she is home so you can enjoy it upon her return to school.

Developmental realities: Your young adult is not yet fully “cooked”, as they say. No matter how much they may want you to look at them as full adults, they still have a lot of growing up to do. In fact, recent research indicates that the developmental changes that occur between 18 – 23 are just as dramatic as the changes that occurred between 12 – 18!  (The best resource I’ve seen that describes the development during this “young adult” stage is from the MIT Young Adult Development Project. ) Because your college freshman is not a full-grown adult, be smart about your expectations and how you handle your discussions. It’s best to provide guidance in a way that facilitates and supports your teenager’s ability to make good decisions. This informs our next three tips:

TIP FIVE: Give validation, not advice. Advice-giving takes on a new look with college kids. It’s best to focus on hearing them out, encouraging them to verbalize what they are struggling with, then validate their feelings. That may be all they need from you. What does it mean to “validate their feelings?” Say things like “That must be hard.” or “I can understand why that is a challenge.” Show them that you understand what they are feeling. If they want your advice, let them ask for it.

TIP SIX: Use open-ended questions. You can guide your college student by the skillful use of open-ended questions like “What do you plan to do about it?” “What will you need to do to resolve this?” “Is there another point of view to consider?” “What are your options?” Questions like this are helpful in that they keep the problem-solving in your teen’s court – where it belongs.

TIP SEVEN: Expect inconsistent behavior. Your student’s behavior may vary widely during his vacation stay. One moment he may be content to hang with his high school freshman brother – and behave much like him. And the next moment he may feel light years older and more mature. Mood swings and changing reactions to the environment around him are very typical.

I can’t wait until my kids come home for the holidays, and I’m sure you are looking forward with anticipation too. Be mindful they may come home very tired from finals, possibly fighting colds or flu, and  as magical and wonderful as we hope our holidays will be, it may take some thoughtful assessment on our part to make our holidays be the wonderful family time we hope for.

Enjoy!

Has your teen gone off to college this fall? How are you feeling about this change? This event can generate a wide range of feelings and, frankly many parents struggle a bit. Let’s put a spotlight on this transition and consider your actions and feelings.

Feel your feelings: What’s most important first is to validate your feelings…whatever they are.  Because whatever you are feeling about this is okay. After your college student leaves some parents feel relieved after a summer filled with probably too-much-tension. Some may feel like celebrating; that’s okay too! Some of you are feeling lonely and sad, missing your child, painfully aware of the fact that this is one major step toward him really leaving home. And others are simply worried about your teen’s adjustment which may not be going smoothly. All of these feelings – and others – are legitimate and acceptable. Have at it.… feel those feelings… even if it hurts.

Transitions require time: Life’s transitions offer us opportunities for growth. They push us out of our comfort zone and force us to find a new way of being. This process isn’t always fun, but it usually brings us to a better place. Parents whose kids have just left for college are going through one of the biggest transitions of all. So give yourself a break if your emotions are feeling raw, or inconsistent, or intense.

William Bridges is a recognized expert in transitions and has written numerous books about the subject. I’ve been a fan of his work for years and have been certified by his organization in “managing the human side of change.” Parents of teenagers, and teens themselves, deal with practically un-ending change, so this topic is highly relevant. Bridges’ work on transition emphasizes the fact that change is an event and transition is a process that takes place over time. In this case the event happened the day your teen left for college, but your transition began before high school graduation and may continue yet for a while. It is helpful to understand that transitions happen on their own time frame.

Central to Bridges’ work is what he calls the neutral zone. The neutral zone is the time period after one event/situation has ended and before the next has settled in. You are in the neutral zone when you have let go of the last trapeze, but you haven’t yet caught the next one; it’s Linus with his blanket in the dryer; and it’s you while you are getting adjusted to a new family situation. Adapting to your teen being away can be a neutral zone experience as you try to adjust to a new normal.

The neutral zone can be an uncomfortable place to be. Here, things feel unfamiliar; life is different and you feel as though you have lost your points of reference. It may be a painful, terrifying even,  place to be. And yet it is rich with opportunity for personal growth.

A neutral zone experience opens up new possibilities. It can initiate creativity and innovation. It is a catalyst – forcing you to find new relationships and new answers. The neutral zone must be fully experienced, however, to reap these rewards.  You can’t hurry through it or short-circuit the process.

Go slowly during this transition; be present to your feelings even if they are uncomfortable. Consider the best outcomes possible from this new family dynamic. Give it time for things to settle. Be creative and hopeful … and a new way of being will emerge.  (Read additional suggestions in 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens “Give Things Time to Settle During Times of Transition.”):

Help your teen gain independence: Each child who goes away to college experiences their own transition differently, and most experience rather dramatic ups and downs. The best way you can support your teen is to facilitate his transition into his new life, and this probably means helping him be independent.

Dr Michael Jellineck is a Boston area adolescent psychiatrist who notes that teens and their parents manage their feelings very differently. On some level, this change may feel like a loss to both you and your teen. Jellineck says teenagers tend to express a sense of bravado to cover up for feelings of loss, while parents tend to hold on as long as possible. This tells us how easy it can be to misinterpret what your teenager is saying… she may be more tender than she is demonstrating. What’s important to remember is regardless of how much you want to be needed, your most helpful actions should be toward boosting her/his capabilities and confidence.

How you do this will vary with each child. This generation of college students has been accused of being too connected to their parents at home, often calling on their cell phones in-between each class. One needs to ask the question: When is your teen too connected? I can think of one young woman who was terribly homesick when she first went away to school. She needed her parents’ regular support and connection; to have deprived her of that would have been cruel. But other teens may remain tightly connected out of fear, or laziness, or not knowing how to integrate in at school. In these cases you may want to gently coach your college student to call home less, not more. It’s important for their focus to be on their college connections and experiences. And even if this feels unsatisfying to you it’s more important to focus on what is best for them.  Remember….independence is the goal.

Send your love: Preparing a care package can be a satisfying way to expend your energy. Whether it’s home baked goods, a special funny photo album of the precious pet he left behind, a poem from each family member, or a bulletin board with some family photos, send along something special from home. Even the most confident sounding student wants to know he is missed and needs the soft reminders from home. And expending your energy in this way can help you feel better.

My daughter’s whole group of friends from high school was very tight and the parents enjoyed one another as well. When the group of girls spread out at various colleges as freshmen, the moms had fun sending care packages to all the girls.  One mom sent stationery, another sent Halloween decorations for their rooms, another sent kites; the moms even got together before Christmas and had a cookie bake, sending a special package of cookies to each girl.

Prepare for the “Dump Call”: For most of us, there comes a time when you receive a phone call from an upset and unhappy college kid. There is drama and tears and frankly, it is torture for a distant parent. Your teen tells you she hates school, she hates her roommate, she misses home and everything is going badly. But here’s the thing to remember: in many cases, after your college student has dumped her load of misery on you, she’ll get a good night sleep and the next day yawns bright and full of possibility. She’ll make a new friend, get invited to a party, get busy with schoolwork and completely forget that she left you in a pile of worry and misery.

So parents, be prepared for this. The best advice for the “dump call” is to expect it, recognize it when it comes, and retain some detachment. You will need that perspective to be able to determine your best response. You will have to remain objective to judge how real and serious the problems are, or if this is a passing situation. Some situations will be helped by your intervention, but in most cases your strategy should be around coaching your college student to discover her own best answers.

This is a tender time for you as your family-left-at-home reorganizes and adjusts to this big change. Your dinner table conversation may feel a little flat as you feel the ache in your heart missing your eldest. Take a deep breath and center yourself. You have entered a new phase of your family’s life, and you’ll all figure it out. And all is as it is supposed to be.