In a recent radio interview with some of the top national authorities on sleep, it was stated that parents who allow their teens to stay up after midnight are at risk of their teens showing increased levels of depression and suicidal thoughts. BAM Radio Network hosted the radio interview that will enlighten parents on the facts about teens and sleep.

Teens’ sleep requirements don’t change as they move from middle school to high school – high schoolers need just as much sleep even though they tend to have increased levels of activities and commitments. But there is a biological change that as they get older kids will find the time when it is easiest to go to sleep moving to later in the evening. This clearly works in conflict with most school systems in which the high school day begins very early.

For the science behind teens’ sleep needs, expert commentary about the most recent research and advice about what parents can do to help fix the sleep problem listen to the interview of Stop Texting and Go to Sleep!

Discussing teenagers drinking gives me heartburn. I find it painful because it is difficult to do this with honesty and integrity, but to attempt to do less is not only a disservice to my readers, it shows disrespect to those of you in the midst of facing real-life parenting issues.

Here’s my dilemma: I can’t support giving a message to teenagers that it’s okay to drink. And so I encourage parents to stand firm on saying “no” by focusing on all the good reasons why alcohol is unsafe and dangerous to kids. And I believe that… there are numerous facts that support an anti-alcohol stance.

But kids drink anyway. Well, not all kids, but many of them do. Despite parents’ rules and warnings, some teens drink. Parents can find yourself in the situation of knowing that your teen is drinking and not having the power to stop it. So this raises a dilemma for you: if you recognize the drinking and talk with your teen about it openly, you may feel like a hypocrite. You may worry that it looks as though you are condoning the behavior, even if that is definitely not your intention. You may worry about the message that is received by a younger sibling, or your teen’s friends and friend’s families.

It can be gut wrenching for parents to maneuver your way through a disparity between your belief system and your teen’s behavior.

As a professional in this field I would like to keep my head in the sand and say to you “Stay with my ‘Just say ‘no” approach.” But you deserve better.

I recently had a long conversation with the parent of a graduating senior. This child has been drinking for much of her senior year, this mom just learned. These parents are dead set against underage drinking, and they have been very clear about it. And they have a younger teen too. So the dilemma I describe it is hitting her right between the eyes.

Assuming your teen isn’t going to change her ways, parents in this situation appear to have two basic choices: ignore the drinking and keep your message intact, or discuss the drinking so you can address ways to help your teen be safe.

It’s pretty clear to me that safety should win out.

If a parent in this situation says nothing, you are missing an important opportunity to provide guidance and input that can help keep your child safe. If you don’t know what is going on, or choose to ignore it, you may be unintentionally forcing your teen to get into a car to get home by curfew, something you would probably prefer not to do. So, I advocate that, even at the risk of feeling hypocritical, you are better off having the honest discussions. And I suggest you worry less about what you look like to outsiders, and instead focus on having a real meeting of the minds with your teen.

Take the opportunity to talk about this often. Get inside his head and find out what it is that is driving this behavior, if you can. Make sure that she receives the message of moderation and knows the dangers of binge drinking. Be informed so, painful as it is, you can provide guidance, encourage moderation and other activities, and help them make choices that will keep them safe. It is better to be informed and to talk about this than to keep it hiding under the rug.

Kids who drink before they are 21 put parents in difficult, possibly even illegal situations. They deserve to hear about what this is like from your point of view; they need to know that their drinking has possible consequences not just to them, but to you. There is nothing about this topic that is clear or simple, unless they choose to abide by the law and wait until they are 21.

Your choices aren’t easy.

It’s called parenting in the gray zone.

A Teen’s Summer Crisis – Survived

Here is what one community is doing to promote Please Stop the Rollercoaster! parent discussion groups. Great job, Needham!

If your community is beginning to plan for fall and you are looking for programming to support parents with teenagers, consider offering Please Stop the Rollercoaster! parent discussion groups. What makes this program unique is that we don’t tell you how to parent. Rather, we guide parents by providing evidence-based information in a context that respects their beliefs and values. We ask parents questions that get them thinking and talking together with their peers. This process helps parents gain an important sense of empowerment and confidence, while they develop a supportive network within their communities.  More than anything, parents learn that what they are feeling and experiencing doesn’t have to isolate them, when they share it with their peers they realize they are all experiencing similar things…. and it helps to share the journey.

The program is modeled after a book group except here the group meets after reading each chapter. Everything for the discussion group is contained in the book Please Stop the Rollercoaster! How Parents of  Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride. The 8 chapters in the book cover the range of issues typical families are likely to face; the content is appropriate for parents with children in grades 6 – 11. There are two ways Rollercoaster! groups can work: they can be self-facilitated, just like a book group, or they can have a facilitator who guides the group by using one of our Leader’s Guides. We offer Leader’s Guides that are secular, and ones that are customized for use the Christian and Jewish faith communities.

Parents across the country have enhanced their relationships with their teenagers through Please Stop the Rollercoaster parent discussion groups. Learn more, download excerpts and watch our short video.

“Mental illness affects one in six Americans, and yet it is still an illness people are reluctant to talk about, let alone admit they have.” So says Anne Thompson in a recent NBC’s Nightly News segment on Glenn Close’s efforts to change the perception of and stigma associated with mental illness. This makes me think of  the sentiments a mom recently shared with me about her trials in raising a son with bipolar disorder. She said “I had to call the police on my son twice, which was the most devastating thing in the world.” A year after his downward, crisis-generating decline… and a diagnosis that changed everything… this 14 year old young man is infinitely better. “We still have flare-ups, but he has done almost a complete turn-around.”

Mental illness in teenagers is a silent epidemic. According to the New England Journal of Medicine “half of all serious adult psychiatric illnesses – including major depression, anxiety disorders and substance abuse – start by 14 years of age, and three fourths of them are present by 25 years of age. Yet the majority of mental illness in young people goes unrecognized and untreated, leaving them vulnerable to emotional, social and academic impairments during a critical phase of their lives.”

Consider the teenagers who are involved with drugs and alcohol, who skip school, get in trouble with the law, live on the fringe and seem to reject adult efforts to get them to live by the rules. Would your reactions and responses to these kids be different if you knew there was mental illness involved? Of course it would. And, it is not only possible, it may be likely that this is the case.

The stigma toward mental illness, coupled with ignorance about its prevalence, creates dangerous gaps in the way adults intervene and support teenagers who need it. The culture change needed is a wide-spread change, and the new public service announcement by Director Ron Howard and Glenn Close’s collaboration will help to bring awareness to  this need. BringChange2Mind.org says “Change a mind; change a life.”

But this needs to get personal. For every parent of a teenager lives either in close contact, or in community with teenagers who need us to to do better by them. We can’t wait for the culture at large to change…we need to act now to help the teenagers in need of mental health services. They live under our roof, and in our midst. Our ignorance is not an excuse. We need to be less judgmental; we need to recognize that teenagers dealing with anxiety, or depression, or bi-polar illness may appear to be the stereo-typical difficult or defiant teen, when what they really are is ill. And in need of help.

This culture change needs to get personal. What can you do to help someone you know?

In a recent conversation with a self-described “stay-at-home-Dad,” I got a new insight into just how different a dad’s experience can be . This particular father is interfacing with the other parents [read: Moms] at his daughter’s middle school and he noticed something interesting: his interactions improved when he wore his wedding ring. How complicated our relationships are… how subtle the influences that impact the way we judge one another… it gives me new insight and appreciation for how dads sometimes have to work extra hard to fit in and find their way to support their child.

Do Dads take a back seat when it comes to parenting teenagers?  The Dads I know are every bit as caring as mothers of teens…. but they do feel like outsiders at times. We must remember the vital role fathers play in raising sons and daughters. This subject has been discussed in numerous blogs since the New York Times ran an article last week  stating “‘Dads tend to discipline differently, use humor more and use play differently…[and] they tend to encourage risk-taking and problem-solving.”

Dads parent differently than moms, and kids benefit from these differences.  While a mother’s nurturing is essential, so is a father’s. And the differences in approach may be exactly where those benefits count the most.

By nature – and of course this is a broad-brush generality – men tend to interact with their kids in more active ways, stimulating them, rough-housing at times, and interacting through shared activities and experiences. It is often an action-oriented connection, different than a mom’s tendency to calm, soothe and nurture. This stimulating interaction encourages kids to take risks, and prepares them for the outside world. Vital lessons for toddlers and college students alike.

Dads and daughters: Some professionals call the relationship between a dad and his daughter a “dress rehearsal” for future heterosexual relationships, teaching them what they can grow to expect from men in terms of love and respect. One fundamental way a Dad can support his teen daughter is by helping demonstrate the value of what she says…in other words by tuning in and listening to her. Men have a tendency to be “fixers,” wanting to solve problems and move on. However, this can undermine a child’s ability to evaluate and learn to solve her problems. A better approach is to listen, offering coaching and guidance only if it is requested. The value in this approach is double-barreled,  not only does it allow a teenager to practice developing her own answers and strategies, it lets her know that she is competent and that her voice and opinion matters. These messages from a father, while subtle at times, can have a dramatic impact on a girl’s sense of confidence… even if these results aren’t obvious for months or years to come.

There are changes in adolescent girls that can make some dads feel awkward and put-off. As a young teen girl becomes focused on her looks, her social life, boys etc., a dad may feel left out and left behind. Some dads may feel awkward as their teen daughter begins to develop a woman’s body. But, no matter the changes, Dads are still needed. To disengage at this critical developmental stage can be harmful to a daughter when she needs this male input more than ever. Dads need to remain tuned into the relationship, confident in the value of their role, voice and relationship. If a dad is not sure how to get past his feelings of discomfort, he should get help on this. This is a parent issue, not a teen issue. Dads and Daughters can be one resource, and here are some tips for dads and daughters.

Dads and sons: The action-oriented, shared-activity kind of connection between fathers and sons is obvious to see. What may be less obvious is the way these interactions teach boys about their emotional development. William Pollack in Real Boys says the roughhousing between father and son actually helps to teach a boy to manage aggression and develop understanding and mastery of his emotions. This may not be at all obvious to moms, but fathers teach sons about managing their feelings and they do it differently than moms do, offering vital and complementary views and skills.

Pollack shares that when fathers are actively involved in their sons’ lives the boys are less aggressive, less overly competitive, better able to express feelings of vulnerability or sadness, higher in self-esteem, lower in incidence of depression and social delinquency.

Dads, have confidence in your vital role. The built-in contradictions that teens give parents – moms and dads alike – can throw parents off  course. It is common for teens to indicate that they don’t want parents around at times, that they don’t care for parents’ input or advice, that family time isn’t what matters to them. Don’t be fooled. This is a time to step up, tune in, be sensitive to different ways to approach your teen… and try and understand them more. One of my favorite quotes that  can serve as a guide for you comes from A. Rae Simpson in her Harvard-sponsored report Raising Teens:

“Frustrating parents, teens want to be with them except when they don’t, teens want their help except when they don’t, teens behave in excitingly more mature ways- except when they don’t… Throughout, they need parents to remain available, taking the emotional high ground by providing opportunities for closeness that teens can sometimes accept and sometimes reject.”

Take the “emotional high ground”… that’s the best advice yet for dads – and moms alike.

Whether or not you are married to your teen’s other parent, disagreements are going to arise as you raise your teenagers. How to manage your way through these disagreements is a sensitive topic without clear answers. In my QUESTION OF THE WEEK at our Facebook “Parenting Teenagers” page I asked parents how they handle it when they disagree, and it was clear parents are looking for some direction on this.

Parenting teenagers requires us to examine and consider issues we haven’t faced before. How do you feel about premaritial sex? Your answer may be quite different when this moves from a theoretical discussion to one about your son or daughter. What is the right age at which you are able to leave your young teen home alone? To allow him to go to the football game with friends? To have a cell phone? To get her drivers license? To get a job? Some of these questions can be difficult to answer, and you may not know how you feel until you are faced with the questions. Be sure to give yourself time to be open to various points of view, consider alternatives and don’t be bullied into making quick decisions if you need more time or information. And understand that it isn’t realistic to expect that you and your teen’s other parent will agree on all issues.

How you handle it when you disagree has enormous impact on your teenager. I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. Donald Gordon last week, the creator of Parenting Wisely and Children in the Middle. An experienced psychologist and former university professor, his knowledge is steeped in research and facts, and one fact that he stated is highly relevant here: when parents manage their disagreements maturely and respectfully, kids thrive. Even in divorced families, kids can develop and thrive to the same degree as kids in intact families when the parents handle their disagreements and conflict in a relatively positive manner. It is vitally important that parents learn how to do this.

Dr. Michele Borba, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries shares her experience and recommendations on this topic. She points out that teens need to learn skills around negotiation and conflict resolution before they leave home, and like it or not, they are learning this from you. Better be sure you are modeling what you want your teen to see.

Here are some specific suggestions thanks to Dr Borba and others:

In situations between you and your teen’s other parent:

• Expect that you will disagree at times. Rather than focus on what you disagree on, find your common ground.
• Be very clear about your agreed-upon points. You can even consider posting them on the refrig!
• Aim for consistency… your kids need to know what to expect from each of you.
• When you and the other parent can’t find common ground, agree which parent will take the lead on a particular issue. Be specific and clear with your teen.
• Understand that if you fail to give your teen clear, consistent messages and direction, you are creating a wide chasm into which s/he can fall …caused by the parents’ failure to find resolutions.
• Do not ever undermine the authority of the other parent.
• Negotiations must be respectful. Yelling is not allowed. If necessary, give one another permission to walk away and continue when emotions are less volatile.
• Aim for a resolution. While teens dislike seeing bickering between parents, what is even worse is when parents fight and don’t resolve anything. Remember, you are modeling behavior that your teen is learning.
• If you can’t agree on anything, consider getting a mediator. This could be a family doctor, minister, relative, friend – anyone who cares about your kids and whom you are both willing to trust.

In situations between you, your teen, and his/her other parent:

• Whenever possible, include your teenager in the negotiation. This empowers your teen, let’s him know that you value and respect his opinion, and may open additional possibilities for compromise and resolution.
• Organize a regular family meeting where the whole family can discuss what is working and what isn’t. This is not only possible, but especially valuable if you are in a divorced home. With Skype and other available technologies today this is even possible when there are long distances between you.
• Allow feelings to be expressed. Encourage honesty. Nothing gets resolved if feelings are disallowed. This won’t always be pleasant or fun, but authentic interactions should be valued.
• Try to teach and model tact and sensitivity to other’s feelings.
• Identify your feelings aloud, understanding that kids are sometimes hyper-sensitive to criticism. They are also very tuned in to reading facial expressions, and are often wrong about what they interpret. Better to say how you are feeling: “I’m not angry; I’m just tired.” “I may look angry, but I’m really just frustrated.”
• Allow your teen the time to process in silence. Sometimes they need time to think things through before responding.
• Minimize your criticism. Try to lead with an open mind to encourage the cooperation you are hoping to achieve.

I’ve always said that raising teenagers requires really adult behavior from parents… and this isn’t always easy! When embroiled in a disagreement about behavior, values, rules or what-have-you, it can feel like a life and death situation. But, even if the other parent has a different belief than you do and you think s/he is dead wrong, your teen may be better off with a consistent and enforceable message -with which you disagree- rather than having no resolution or direction. In other words, you may have to back off at times. The most important thing is to make sure your teen doesn’t fall into any chasms that may exist between you. That would be irresponsible adult behavior.

Round-ups of best web sites are really helpful as we sort through the overwhelm on the web. Here’s a particularly helpful post from a nursing site on the 100 Best Blogs for Healthy Parents. (Yes, we made it on their list. :>) It is divided into groupings such as

• From Health Professionals
• Nutrition and Healthy Living
• Parenting Advice
• Specifically about Daughters or Sons
• Teenage Years
• Food allergies
• Childhood illness Support and Information

Do you ever wonder how your teenager makes decisions? Sometimes a teen’s baffling behavior is a result of a decision making process that makes perfect sense to him…but leaves parents wondering.  Actually, good decision-making is a learned skill, and it’s one that parents can play a key role in teaching.

First, let’s examine why teens sometimes make poor decisions. There are several very legitimate reasons, some of which are developmental.

• Brain development: The part of the teen brain that is not yet fully developed is responsible for long-range thinking, seeing consequences for actions and the big picture.   If your teen doesn’t seem to grasp the long view or see consequences for the choices she makes, she’s not lost forever, she’s just in that stage, developmentally, where these capacities are not yet reliable.
• Social pressure: Teens value friends above all else. They care deeply about how their actions and are judged and evaluated by their peers.  It isn’t as simple as what we think of as typical “peer pressure,” the influence of a teen’s social world on his/her decision making can be much more subtle and more pervasive.
• Lack of experience: Adults’ decisions are based upon many things, not the least of which is experience. This point is simple: teens lack the experience that will help inform good decisions.   And they don’t know what they don’t know.
• Emotions: Teenagers feel their emotions at twice the intensity of adults. This emotional landscape can impact the level headedness required for good decisions.

How can a parent coach your teen to make good decisions? Think about how you make the important decisions in your life. You probably use a process*, whether you are conscious of it or not. This process, and the process that can help your teen probably includes some or all of the steps below:

• Recognize that a decision needs to be made.
• Understand the ideal goal of the decision.
• Develop a list of options.
• Identify the positive and negative consequences of the choices.
• Examine the desirability of each option
• Evaluate the probability for each option.

Teach your teenager to examine, consider and evaluate these steps when making important decisions.  Show him how you have used this process in a big decision, so it becomes a concrete process, not just a theoretical one.  By teaching them to apply a process to their decision-making they will be more equipped to mitigate the influences that can throw them off base from the start.

Be specific, then let him take charge. One of the challenges parents face with teens is, while they can be flakey, they need to have the opportunity to make decisions. Sometimes they will do a great job, and sometimes they will create problems with their poor decisions. They need the opportunity to learn from each. One mom asked about the challenge she faces with her son as he organizes his social life. You know the scene here… your young teenager coordinates with friends – and we know how often those plans change! – and then simply expects his mom to be available to take him where he needs to go. While she tries to help out, there are times his last minute scheduling creates real challenges for her. She asked how she can teach him good decision making skills that also take her needs and schedule into account. Great question.  There are several things parents can keep in mind here: guidelines, consequences for actions, and speaking about your needs when everyone is in the right mood.

I suggested to her that she have a conversation with her son when the time felt right –  not when he is in the midst of making plans with his friends – and explain that she has her own schedule and needs and won’t always be available to accommodate him. Presented in the right way he’ll get this. Then, she can create some guidelines that might include a few key questions that he needs to cover every time he is making plans with his friends. These questions might include: “How am I going to get where I want to go?”  ”Have I asked permission?”  ”Have I given my parents plenty of advance notice?”  ”Do I have a ride both ways?” etc. I suggested she discuss these questions with her son and leave them on the family bulletin board.  This way it becomes his responsibility to answer them and have his ducks in a row well before the event. He’ll learn about planning ahead, he’ll have a framework for expectations, and some guidelines on what he needs to do.  The consequences may come into play when last minute plans cannot be accommodated by mom.

It’s a process teaching kids to make good decisions, and a parent’s approach is most effective when it empowers them and allows them to practice and learn.

*As an aside, cognitive researchers are discovering that even in adults reasoning often isn’t organized or logical but may be automatic and unconscious.   So, as you are coaching your teen, it may be helpful to revisit the steps above to remind you of your best approach.