Last January Drew moved from the west coast to the east coast; his parents felt that it would be easier for him if they made the move in the middle of the school year rather than begin a summer in a new town knowing nobody. So from January to June Drew had put up a brave front, trying to make friends, trying to be accepted in his new school, trying to break into the seventh grade cliques. And in 2 seconds everything changed when one of his classmates said three simple words to Drew on the last day of school…

“I hate you.”

What would possess a kid to do something so heartless and cruel? It was days later when Drew told me his story, and the pain in his eyes was still intense and sharp, as it was in his mother’s eyes.

Of course it happened because Drew is cool. He is kind; he is funny; he is handsome…so the other boy is probably jealous, and threatened.

But telling that to Drew doesn’t take away his pain.

Do Drew a favor. If there is a new child in your community or in your child’s school, reach out to that new child this summer and make him/her feel welcome. Teach your middle schoolers about feelings, and consideration.

There is no way to justify that kind of cruelty.

Bookmark this:

These very same communities are often where you hear parents and kids complaining loudly about STRESS. The competition is intense for everything from AP courses to making the soccer team. Kids and parents alike wonder where it will stop, and how to keep kids from engaging in unhealthy or dangerous behavior in order to survive the pressure.

I heard Kindlon speak a few weeks ago, and his data and anecdotes are compelling. While encouraging parents to be less indulgent and hold kids more accountable, he seems to empathize with the “kids are way-too stressed” camp. He makes a strong case, and one that I can understand… the demands are high. The competition takes its toll. “Stress” tops the list of most teens’ complaints. Kindlon points out that even at the elementary level homework has increased 50% in the last two decades. I hear from some friends with kids in private schools that some of them are demanding less homework in an effort to provide some balance and freedom of choice for their students. We hear the cries “Kids are growing up too fast! They need time to just be kids!”

But something doesn’t jive.

The morning after I heard Kindlon speak I had breakfast with a friend and colleague who works with many college presidents across the country. He took issue with Kindlon’s stance. He said “Every college I deal with complains that their incoming students are unprepared. They say incoming freshman don’t know what stress is and they don’t know how to cope! They don’t know what it is to work hard, and they haven’t learned their basic lessons or developed the level of skill we should be seeing.”

Which point of view is right?

The April 16 Boston Globe says in a headline “Many Mass. graduates unprepared in college. Thousands need remedial classes, are drop-out risks.” While the data noted in the Globe piece points out that the most acute problems occur with students in urban districts and vocational schools, they also point out that this problem “crossed socioeconomic lines.”

Whether your teenager is in an under-performing district or one with 99% of graduates going to college, parents need to consider both sides of this argument. While we don’t want to either overindulge our teens or see them suffer from too much stress, we certainly want to hold them to high standards and make sure they are fluent and prepared in essential basics and skills. It’s a bit scary to consider that so many of them are deemed unprepared for college.

Consider both sides of this argument as you guide your teenager.

Maybe the answer will come from combining the two points of view…Over-indulging our kids has many serious consequences, AND kids needs to develop skills to deal with stress while they keep their noses to the grindstone and learn their lessons well.

Bookmark this:

*take a class to learn a new skill - drawing, sculpting, music, a new craft or new computer application,

*check out enrichment classes offered in summer school, community ed or even local colleges,

*look into available summer classes and programs offered at area museums or cultural centers,

*volunteer to work with kids, elders, or to usher events at cultural centers,

*visit the SPCA to learn about their volunteer opportunities,

*introduce himself to the senior centers in town. They may love an extra pair of hands -
especially youthful ones,

*look into the offerings from your community park and rec programs. Depending on the age of your teen, there may be opportunities both to participate and to be leaders or counselors,

*find out about the Bible studies or other religious study groups offered by your church or temple,

*sign up for camp. Sports camps, drama camps, arts camps… many kinds are available to help kids learn new skills and enhance talents,

*babysit in your neighborhood,

* volunteer at the library,

*use all those dance lessons by starting a neighborhood dance camp for little ones,

*take drivers ed during the summer so you don’t have to fit it in during the school year,

*tutor reading or math for younger children,

* take lifeguard training,

*commit to spending a day a week with a grandparent, helping with household chores,

* develop a childcare/babysitting or art program at a local pool club.

This list just a start. I hope it gets your creative juices going so you can plan ahead and find the right balance of productive busy-ness and relaxing down-time for both you and your teenager.

Have any other good ideas? Post them here and we’ll expand our list for other parents and teens.

Bookmark this:

Vanessa says there are some words parents should never say: “You’re such a disappointment” can do serious damage to a parent-teen relationship. Teenagers, she aptly points out, think in black and white terms and often feel that everything is permanent. You hear this in their words: “That was the hardest test EVER!”, “She’s the biggest jerk I’ve ever seen!,” “My new haircut is the WORST,” “I’ll NEVER speak to him again!”….rarely do shades of gray exist, and what happens today gets projected out into a long future. Due to the developmental stage of the teen’s brain, it usually isn’t part of their awareness that they may feel differently tomorrow. So when parents tell their teenagers that they are “a big disappointment,” it really hurts. It feels like a permanent, final judgment. Parents won’t necessarily see it this way because our point of view is different and the way we process information is different. The teenager doesn’t know that he won’t be a disappointment to you forever, according to Vanessa, so making such a final statement can hurt them deeply.

Her interesting perspective can be helpful to parents and teens alike, and she likes to work with both groups to help bring them closer.

For parents: “Hang in there. Don’t give up,” she says. She wants parents of teens to know that their kids will “come back.” She, too, went through a tumultuous time with her parents, and she remembers the pain of it. When she sees other families in the midst of a painful or dysfunctional period she knows that parents wonder if they will ever get through it… the negativity, the challenges, the bad behavior… she’s not only seen it all, she’s experienced it. Now, a young adult, she offers hope to parents and reinforces their efforts to listen and connect.

Other important suggestions for parents, according to Vanessa, are to facilitate and support your teen’s relationships with other adults. “A good mentor can make a big difference to a teenager and provide adult guidance when a parent isn’t able to get through.” She attributes some of her success to the positive mentors she had in a dance instructor and an older cousin.

And she tells parents, “Stay connected with other parents! Not only does it help keep you sane, but it helps you know what is really going on.”

For teenagers: “Strive for balance.” If they are overly-stressed because of too many commitments or in response to high expectations, she advises them to find time to take care of themselves even if it means giving a little less effort to responsibilities. If school has them stressed, she encourages teens to make sure they take time with friends to relax. If they are big partiers, she advises them to party a little less, and be a little more responsible. She witnesses the big swings that seem to highlights teens’ lives, and she promotes balance as the way out.

Vanessa’s blog is full of tips and provides an interesting and helpful point of view…check it out.

Bookmark this:

• Focus on connection more than communication,
• You’re the adult…you may need to meet your teen more than half-way,
• Expect to utilize indirect communication methods at times,
• Become good at reading all kinds of communication from your teen – body language, the emotions that underlie the words, his behavior, his friends’ behavior, etc.
• It’s okay to negotiate on negotiable topics,
• Allow her to express her opinions,
• Treat him with respect no matter what,
• Invest in the emotional bank account you share…

…all of which are great and appropriate strategies.

And then I received this e-mail message:

My wife and I called into today’s tele-seminar and found the information you presented very helpful. The one comment I would like to make is that all your recommendations for listening to, and communicating with, our teens are well understood and make plenty of sense. The difficult part is to apply the “courteous” listening & responding skills while you’re receiving the total opposite in return. I fully understand that we have to be the “mature” side of the conversation, but this is often very difficult to put into action. It often seems like we’re trying to remain calm and understanding while receiving a verbal “slap in the face”, and turning the other cheek is a hard thing to do. I guess it’s a skill that must be constantly practiced.

This warrants a direct reply. Your feelings deserve respect, too!

“Turning the other cheek” is a “skill that must be constantly practiced,” AND I recognize that this can be difficult and feel very unfair and one-sided to parents who are receiving a regular “slap-in-the-face” from their teenager. There are times turning the other cheek may not be the best strategy. Let’s explore this further.

When kids are non-communicative or very negative with parents over a period of time, one needs to assess what is really going on. We need to explore if:

• this child is in trouble and is in need of intervention,
• we are in some way fostering this communication breakdown
• it’s time we stand our ground and no longer accept unacceptable behavior.

It is necessary to analyze both his behavior, and ours.

Why do teenagers communicate negatively with their parents? There may be many possible reasons that are all about him:

• Teens are going through major changes, and major stresses. If he is feeling badly, or under more pressure than he can handle, he may want to act out and express his discomfort. It is possible that the only place he feels comfortable enough to act out, knowing that in the long term he is unlikely to damage the relationship, is with his parents. In this case, because of your good relationship, you become the recipient of his bad behavior.
• It is also possible that he is acting out toward his parents because he is frustrated with the relationships, rules, expectations, communication style or some other elements in family life.
• He may be feeling stress, or emotions that he doesn’t understand or can’t handle, and he may not feel under control about how, when, and to whom this is expressed.
• He may be dealing with serious issues at school, with friends, even with drugs, alcohol or other major influences.
• He may be facing depression, or feeling really badly about himself for reasons you don’t understand.
• He may want to reach out and ask for help, but feels uncomfortable or unwilling to do so.

There is a developmental aspect to the parent-directed negativity that teenagers often project. As teenagers are striving for independence, they may perceive their parents as the obstacles that stand between them and their grown-up selves. You’ll undoubtably have seen instances when you have had your teenager reject your great suggestion only to implement it later on - but on his own terms. You see, in teens’ search for power, they sometimes feel that if they accept what their parents say, they have failed in some way. It feels like regression. It feels like he has let himself down in the critical job of gaining his independence. This can set up some rather strong feelings of negativity toward parents, who are innocently trying to support their teen. Seen in this context, we can understand that sometimes negative communication isn’t about the parents at all, but all about the teens. And it can fall under the category of “normal” teen behavior.

Consider if this negativity is a signal of more serious problems: Negativity, bad attitudes and an angry demeanor can be a signal that there are deeper problems that need addressing, and parents should be proactive in figuring this out. This behavior can result from various root causes, one of which is depression. You should know that depression in teenagers sometimes presents not in the affect parents might expect, but in angry outbursts.

Experts advise that parents evaluate their teenager’s behavior in terms of duration, frequency and intensity: How long has she been acting this way? How extensive and dramatic is this change in her behavior? How frequently do you see this behavior? You will want to consider these important questions as you begin to analyze the situation.

While you are engaging in information gathering, consider the strategy I call “circling the wagons.” This refers to speaking to important adults with whom your teen interacts on a regular basis. It may be beneficial to contact the school counselor and teachers, coaches or other significant adults in the school. Speak with faith leaders, adult friends, aunts and uncles…find out about the attitude and demeanor your teenager expresses to others. Do things seem amiss, or does he just save his nastiness for you? As you begin to gain a more thorough understanding of his state of mind, you can develop an appropriate strategy that may or may not include professional assistance.

Assess your communication and family dynamics: An honest assessment of your family dynamics should be included in this analysis. Families are intimately connected, and problems that show up in one person may indicate larger, more systemic issues that need to be addressed. Does your teenager receive enough loving attention? Does she feel safe and well cared for? Are there issues of competition or undue stress, unfair expectations, needs that are not being met? Try to be as honest as possible as you gather information about if and how you might be enabling and contributing to the communication breakdown. Again, you may be effective in doing this analysis yourself, and you may benefit from professional assistance.

Parents don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior: Lastly, and importantly, parents should not be treated poorly! If you don’t treat your teenager disrespectfully, then you should not have to tolerate disrespectful behavior either. You will gain your teenager’s respect when you stand up for yourself. Parents as doormats is an unproductive strategy, and one that is not recommended.

The most productive communication will take place when calmness reigns. It may be time to have an honest discussion together, and if you set things up right this can be an opportunity to uncover important feelings and share honestly. Perhaps a family meeting is in order. Schedule it in advance. Let participants know that this is not to be dreaded, and that you just want to have a meeting of the minds. Be calm, non-judgmental and ready to listen to all family members. Speak in sentences that begin with “I.” You have a right to your feelings and you can express them.

Get support yourself: Parents need to take care of themselves, too, and this is very important to remember. Self-care may include stress-relieving activities, information gathering activities, developing outside interests of your own, as well as support and discussion with other parents of teenagers. You will likely discover that similar dynamics have been experienced in most other households with teens; you’ll also discover that despite your feelings of despair when things get bad, good times do come again, and family relationships can again blossom into joyful connections.

Parents do need to give more than 50%…and all of the strategies at the top of this article are important and valid. But we should recognize that most families go through times of turmoil and challenge, and things get hard at times. As you objectively analyze the factors that are contributing to the negative communication environment, the best strategies will emerge.

Here are links to previous articles that may provide additional help:

When Your Gut Says “Get Help” What Do You Do?

Teenagers and Depression

Bookmark this:

If you don’t utilize today’s technology as your teenager does, this will have a negative impact on your ability to provide important guidance for your teenager.

As I write this, I will confess that I’m struggling to catch up myself. Certainly it feels like the technological options available to me are ahead of my need for them, and it’s a burden to keep up with this learning curve. For some of you, this web 2.0 change is easy and natural. But I hear from many of you that you are way, way behind in using the new technologies. Take note: If you are raising teens, you are living dangerously if you are too far behind in this area.

I spoke to a group of parents recently and had a conversation with a mom who was reeling from a disturbing experience with her young son. Her socially awkward 6th grade boy had been visiting online sites that she described as her “worst nightmare.” She and her husband were forced into having conversations with her young teen that were difficult and awkward, as they tried to teach him about appropriate adult activities, degradation, and the ugly side of the internet and human behavior. She felt he was not developmentally ready for any of this to be discussed, and yet because of his browsing online, they needed to address it directly. They took away his internet access entirely until they can come up with an appropriate way to monitor his activities.

Kids are a couple of clicks away from nasty, graphic, disturbing images and activities. The internet is forcing parents to have uncomfortable, yet essential, discussions.

Be proactive about using all the technologies that your teen uses so that you can be proactive about guiding your teenager’s safe and smart decisions. You can’t provide guidance in an area in which you aren’t familiar. Invest the necessary time.

We’ll be discussing this essential topic more in future posts. In the meanwhile, here are some links to helpful informational websites. (If you have others you would like to suggest, please add them in the comment area.)

http://www.wiredsafety.org/
http://www.isafe.org/
http://www.netsmartz.org/

Don’t get caught on the wrong side of the digital divide.

Bookmark this:

What are the major sources of stress for teens? Some stressors are environmental, some are developmental; some wreak havoc over long periods and some are just passing irritations. Here are some major sources of stress:

• Social issues and peer relationships. Teenagers invest a tremendous amount of energy in their peer relationships, and their self-esteem is often connected to their interactions in their peer group. Loneliness and every-day peer dynamics impact stress levels, as does the fear of being left out, which is one of a teenager’s greatest fears.
• Pressure to achieve at school. For some kids, success is a mission and a passion. When over-doing it, they can drive themselves to such a degree that stress replaces pleasure in learning and achieving.
• Juggling all the demands from teachers, coaches, parents, etc. Some days the demands feel overwhelming to teens.
• Parental and societal pressure to achieve in school and elsewhere; unyielding pressure from parents to always deliver peak performance can generate a lot of stress.
• Avoiding expectations they don’t want to fulfill. Whether it’s avoiding the English paper that is due tomorrow, or trying to steer clear of parents sniffing around in one’s backpack or room, kids who are hiding from their responsibilities, or sneaking around doing the wrong things, are likely to be feeling stress.
• Teens are developing their identity and making important personal decisions about who they are. “Who are my friends?” “Who reflects my values and interests?” “Am I like my parents and my family, or am I different?” These developmentally appropriate questions can be big, stress-inducing questions to confront.
• Being judged “good enough.” In their competitive worlds, sometimes it’s sink or swim…with a lot attached. “Will I make the team?” “Will I get the solo in the play?” “Does my resume look good enough for my college application?” “Will I get that summer job?”

How parents can help: Deborah Weinstock-Savoy, a psychologist who specializes in working with children and families, suggests there are two major areas of intervention for parents to consider:

• Keep home a safe haven Teens need home to be a place of nurturing and love. They need to be able to relax and let their hair down; to re-charge their batteries and feel loving support. Don’t underestimate the significance of this nurturing, as it provides a teenager’s most basic line of defense. Parents need to make sure kids are eating right and getting enough sleep. Providing the unconditional love that teens deserve will go a long way in supporting their efforts to manage their daily stresses.

• Teach coping mechanisms As parents provide coaching and support, engage your teens in coming up with solutions themselves. Kids often have ideas about this, and by actively engaging them in the problem-solving process, you are teaching them to develop a sense of self-awareness. As kids become more self-aware, they will see strategies emerge and develop; these will grow into important skills that will help them to deal with stress as they grow. In an effort to help teens become self-regulating, parents need to gradually behave more like coaches, rather than problem-solvers on the teens’ behalf.

Knowing when parents should intervene: Unfortunately, it’s tricky business to know when parents should become directly involved in helping a teen manage stress-related issues, and how, because the best parent-interventions are likely to differ for various children, parents and circumstances. In addition to empowering kids and coaching them to identify solutions themselves, parents should pointedly observe their teen’s behavior. Compare current behavior with typical behavior for this child: how much of the teen’s life is being affected? How long as this been going on, and how extreme is the behavioral change? The longer the duration, the more widespread the impact, and the more dramatic the changes, the higher the likelihood that professional help may be warranted.

Consider this: are you the source of your teen’s stress? Finding the right balance between pressure that enhances a child’s efforts and success without overdoing the stress isn’t always easy. Even professionals struggle with this. Parents should begin by observing your teen over time, so you can identify if the stress levels are within a healthy and normal range, or if they signify that change is necessary. Also, check in with your teen regularly so s/he knows you will listen to her and that there are options open to her. And…need I say…double check your messages to make sure the pressure you are applying is helpful, appropriate, and not too intense. Worse things can happen than getting an occasional bad grade… keep things in perspective and make sure you are part of the solution, not part of the problem.

I recently came across an interesting blog written by Vanessa Van Petten, a LA-based 23 year old who shares information for parents to help them understand their teens. She happens to have just written an article for parents with some tips to minimize your teen’s stress. Check it out

Bookmark this: