Meet Tamara. She’s a lovely, articulate woman of 28 who shared an important insight with me. As she is looking back on the major events in her life that have impacted her beliefs, performance and development, she keyed in on the significance of praise. “I am an only-child,” she told me. “And I was bathed in love and attention. It was a wonderful, supportive, loving upbringing and I am very fortunate. But when I look back a bit more objectively, I see that my parents’ praise may have directed my choices more than was helpful to me.” Let me explain.

Tamara says that she was a good girl; she was athletic, smart and things came easily to her. Her parents provided a continual stream of praise for her accomplishments, and the positive feedback, coupled with her accomplishments kept her childhood a joyful one.

But as she began to compete on larger playing fields she found that she would stand out less and less. While she had been the fastest runner in elementary school, and one of the fastest in middle school, she didn’t make the grade in the large high school she attended. She could have run with the team, but because she wasn’t near the top of the pack, she dropped track entirely.

The tragedy is, according to Tamara, that she discovered that when the praise was missing she no longer wanted to compete. She hadn’t been doing it for herself as much as she had been doing it for the praise.

Looking back now as an adult she regrets the result - that she ended up depriving herself of participating in high school sports because she wasn’t able to compete at the top of the pack.

Parents, be careful with that praise. Not all of your children will compete at Olympic levels in all areas. Many times just being “good enough” really is worth the experience, even if you are a second-stringer.

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How do you resolve it when you don’t see eye- to eye?

My twenty-year-old and I are facing an issue, and things aren’t pretty right here right now. I guess it was bound to happen; the summer “honeymoon” with the kids home (23, 20) has been heaven on earth so far. I knew the bubble would burst, and it has. Life goes on… “joy and woe are woven fine.” Indeed.

How do you resolve it when you just don’t see eye to eye on an issue? This isn’t really a place where compromise is an option; and the chasm between my point of view and hers is rather deep.

When I try to broach our difficult topic I try to follow all the rules….I speak slowly and calmly; I sit down next to her; I use “I” statements that tell her how I feel; I ask her how she feels and what she thinks is the best solution.

Guess what happens? It’s such a sensitive topic she accuses me of being judgmental and inflexible, of saying things I haven’t said. I don’t see it that way.

But that’s just the point. We don’t see it the way the other sees it.

Will this issue take care of itself if we do nothing? I suppose. Life goes on. Is it important that I try again to get her to hear what I’m trying to say? Maybe. Am I hearing what she has to say? I think so. She doesn’t.

Like I said; we don’t see eye to eye.

Families don’t always resolve things into nice neat little packages, do we?

Life goes on.

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Dan Kindlon, Harvard Professor, published “Too Much of A Good Thing” in 2001; a research-based book subtitled “Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age.” He points out that today’s parents are often “overprotective and over-identified” with their kids. His data connects parents’ over indulgence with increased levels of depression, boredom, anxiety, alcohol and drug use in their kids. Many of my readers of this blog live in communities similar to the ones described in Kindlon’s research….middle class, affluent, educated. Certainly his warnings resonate with middle class parents who are sensitive to what we now call “helicopter parenting.” Many such parents can take some lessons on stepping back in order to help their kids develop.

These very same communities are often where you hear parents and kids complaining loudly about STRESS. The competition is intense for everything from AP courses to making the soccer team. Kids and parents alike wonder where it will stop, and how to keep kids from engaging in unhealthy or dangerous behavior in order to survive the pressure.

I heard Kindlon speak a few weeks ago, and his data and anecdotes are compelling. While encouraging parents to be less indulgent and hold kids more accountable, he seems to empathize with the “kids are way-too stressed” camp. He makes a strong case, and one that I can understand… the demands are high. The competition takes its toll. “Stress” tops the list of most teens’ complaints. Kindlon points out that even at the elementary level homework has increased 50% in the last two decades. I hear from some friends with kids in private schools that some of them are demanding less homework in an effort to provide some balance and freedom of choice for their students. We hear the cries “Kids are growing up too fast! They need time to just be kids!”

But something doesn’t jive.

The morning after I heard Kindlon speak I had breakfast with a friend and colleague who works with many college presidents across the country. He took issue with Kindlon’s stance. He said “Every college I deal with complains that their incoming students are unprepared. They say incoming freshman don’t know what stress is and they don’t know how to cope! They don’t know what it is to work hard, and they haven’t learned their basic lessons or developed the level of skill we should be seeing.”

Which point of view is right?

The April 16 Boston Globe says in a headline “Many Mass. graduates unprepared in college. Thousands need remedial classes, are drop-out risks.” While the data noted in the Globe piece points out that the most acute problems occur with students in urban districts and vocational schools, they also point out that this problem “crossed socioeconomic lines.”

Whether your teenager is in an under-performing district or one with 99% of graduates going to college, parents need to consider both sides of this argument. While we don’t want to either overindulge our teens or see them suffer from too much stress, we certainly want to hold them to high standards and make sure they are fluent and prepared in essential basics and skills. It’s a bit scary to consider that so many of them are deemed unprepared for college.

Consider both sides of this argument as you guide your teenager.

Maybe the answer will come from combining the two points of view…Over-indulging our kids has many serious consequences, AND kids needs to develop skills to deal with stress while they keep their noses to the grindstone and learn their lessons well.

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In our research-based report Parenting Teenagers: The Agony and the Ecstasy we hear many parents complain about our culture. Parents complain that “It’s hard to be heard when the i-pod is on.” They say “It’s hard to be the strongest voice for your child in the sea of messages…”. And one particularly articulate dad said “Most of society seems to be giving a diametrically opposed message to the ones I am giving my kids. The outside message, from films and TV and music and the media seems to be ‘have sex, drink and take drugs, resort to violence to solve disputes, treat partners badly, and never confide in your parents. Oh, and driving fast is cool too.”

What do you think about our culture, and how do you cope in your family? How do you counter the culture?

I have some interesting and helpful comments from other readers that I share with you below. And I invite you to download and read this insightful and unique report that is based on responses from over 500 people…and then join our discussion - we’d like to hear your thoughts on this important topic.

One way for parents to counter the culture is to early on develop a relationship of trust with their children. Another would be for parents to allow their children to experience the results of their (the children) choices but do so in a supportive and save family environment. I’ve learned that using words such as “it won’t be possible” or “you remember what we agreed to about that” speaks to results of behavior choices as opposed to “you can’t” or “you better not” which speaks to authority or size or status of the speaker. Letting teenagers know ahead of time, for instance, that poor grades is going to put off the acquiring of a driver’s permit means that when the grades aren’t good enough it’s not too hard to say, “It won’t be possible for you to get the driver’s permit.” This is not to suggest there won’t be angst expressed but basically the argument is over with. Natural results are the order of the day. Only the really stubborn will fail to finally learn from this type of cause and effect.

Please read our report and join our discussion!

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Is your teen demanding additional freedom? Is your teen pushing on the boundaries that you’ve established in terms of curfew, budget, computer time, bedtime, cell phone use and more? Relax! This is normal! But automatically giving in, although the easiest way out, is usually not the best way to go.

Teens push on the boundaries for several reasons, and believe it or not they don’t always want or expect you to yield. When you do give in too easily they learn that you don’t really mean what you say, and that your established rules don’t truly count. Adults need to be careful about the assumptions kids draw from our behaviors.

Let’s consider another approach. This was shared by a particularly smart and articulate mom that participated in one of my telephone discussion groups. Every year for her son’s birthday, she allows him a new freedom - something that he has been pushing for and that is special to him. And she couples this freedom with a new responsibility - connecting “freedom” and “responsibility” in a meaningful way.

How might you apply this in your household? Let’s consider this together. We’re entering summer and schedules change dramatically in many homes. What is your teenager pushing for? Young teens may want to ride their bikes to the local pool or swimming hole. Is your child responsible enough to handle this freedom safely? If the answer is “yes” (and you must be sure you’ve taught the skills s/he will need to be safe) you don’t need to stop there. This new freedom can be coupled with an additional chore that will also add to the child’s sense of responsibility. Is your high school junior able to drive on her own now? She may be wanting to stay out later at night. As you consider extending her curfew, consider giving her the job of grocery shopping each week. Your 14 year old boy who just got his own cell phone may need to take on mowing the lawn. [Have any additional ideas? Please share them in a comment below!]

I hear parents continually complain about teens’ attitude of entitlement. We need to ask ourselves if we, as parents, are part of the problem or part of the solution. Parents have tremendous influence on the attitudes our kids develop. We need to be sure that we are not taking the easy way out.

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