Today, all parents know that their kids’ lives in regards to the use of technology are going to be dramatically different than their own. This has become one of the most obsessed about topics for parents because we are in need of providing guidance and counseling in an area where their kids often know more than they do! This is not easy to do… I get that. However, there are more and more resources available to you, and I want to tell you about a new one.

I’ve previously introduced you to Vanessa Van Petten, the LA-based 23 year old who writes for teens and their parents. She’s recently released an e-book titled The Dirt-E Secrets of an Internet Kid (downloadable for $10) that is designed to give parents a leg-up on understanding and guiding their teens’ activities online. Vanessa has included many links to popular websites for tweens and teens, as well as definitions, guidelines and good ideas.

Vanessa suggests that some of the advice experts pass along to parents is inadequate and misleading. She takes aim at guidelines like Keep the computer in a public room; Know your kid’s passwords; and Ask your kids to see their profile, then look at it with them. She claims parents are kidding themselves if they think these strategies don’t have simple work-arounds for teens. (While I imagine most parents are aware of this, I wouldn’t suggest you abandon these approaches.)

She guides parents to engage in a “Cyber-Citizenship Talk.” Likened to the “drug talk” and the “sex talk”, she urges parents to sit down and have the “internet talk.” Her guidelines for this talk have off-line counterparts like “always wear clothes,” “beware of strangers,” “do not litter,” and “treat others with respect.” And she provides a video where she likens the internet to a public park, suggesting that this good-sense approach will work with your teen.

One area that concerns many parents is the way bullying has evolved in this internet and mobile-based world. Vanessa characterizes this by saying “the internet has changed the playground-bully into the in-my-bedroom-bully,” and brings to the forefront the challenges kids face because of this. If you don’t have this first-hand knowledge already, this segment will give you tremendous appreciation for your kids’ world view in regards to the intersection of their social life and their internet life.

Vanessa, in her typical high-energy way, gives parents some helpful tools here, and my hat goes off to her for a great effort.

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It took less than 2 seconds to obliterate six months of work, and courage, and effort.

Last January Drew moved from the west coast to the east coast; his parents felt that it would be easier for him if they made the move in the middle of the school year rather than begin a summer in a new town knowing nobody. So from January to June Drew had put up a brave front, trying to make friends, trying to be accepted in his new school, trying to break into the seventh grade cliques. And in 2 seconds everything changed when one of his classmates said three simple words to Drew on the last day of school…

“I hate you.”

What would possess a kid to do something so heartless and cruel? It was days later when Drew told me his story, and the pain in his eyes was still intense and sharp, as it was in his mother’s eyes.

Of course it happened because Drew is cool. He is kind; he is funny; he is handsome…so the other boy is probably jealous, and threatened.

But telling that to Drew doesn’t take away his pain.

Do Drew a favor. If there is a new child in your community or in your child’s school, reach out to that new child this summer and make him/her feel welcome. Teach your middle schoolers about feelings, and consideration.

There is no way to justify that kind of cruelty.

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Your teenager may be a little too young to look for a summer job, or maybe the current economic environment is making the summer job prospects bleak. There are many productive ways your teenager can spend time this summer, expanding friendships, connections, and gaining valuable experiences. Here are some ideas:

*take a class to learn a new skill - drawing, sculpting, music, a new craft or new computer application,

*check out enrichment classes offered in summer school, community ed or even local colleges,

*look into available summer classes and programs offered at area museums or cultural centers,

*volunteer to work with kids, elders, or to usher events at cultural centers,

*visit the SPCA to learn about their volunteer opportunities,

*introduce himself to the senior centers in town. They may love an extra pair of hands -
especially youthful ones,

*look into the offerings from your community park and rec programs. Depending on the age of your teen, there may be opportunities both to participate and to be leaders or counselors,

*find out about the Bible studies or other religious study groups offered by your church or temple,

*sign up for camp. Sports camps, drama camps, arts camps… many kinds are available to help kids learn new skills and enhance talents,

*babysit in your neighborhood,

* volunteer at the library,

*use all those dance lessons by starting a neighborhood dance camp for little ones,

*take drivers ed during the summer so you don’t have to fit it in during the school year,

*tutor reading or math for younger children,

* take lifeguard training,

*commit to spending a day a week with a grandparent, helping with household chores,

* develop a childcare/babysitting or art program at a local pool club.

This list just a start. I hope it gets your creative juices going so you can plan ahead and find the right balance of productive busy-ness and relaxing down-time for both you and your teenager.

Have any other good ideas? Post them here and we’ll expand our list for other parents and teens.

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Vanessa Van Petten, 22, an interesting and accomplished young woman from LA, is a builder-of-bridges between parents and teens and the author of “You’re Grounded.” She’s a prolific writer, blogger and brings her positive messages to enhance communication between parents and teenagers. I found her blog online and was fascinated to speak to this young colleague who so values the importance of parent-teen relationships. I was equally interested, as I spoke with her at length, to see that her message and mine is so similar. Huh; we must be on to something. :>

Vanessa says there are some words parents should never say: “You’re such a disappointment” can do serious damage to a parent-teen relationship. Teenagers, she aptly points out, think in black and white terms and often feel that everything is permanent. You hear this in their words: “That was the hardest test EVER!”, “She’s the biggest jerk I’ve ever seen!,” “My new haircut is the WORST,” “I’ll NEVER speak to him again!”….rarely do shades of gray exist, and what happens today gets projected out into a long future. Due to the developmental stage of the teen’s brain, it usually isn’t part of their awareness that they may feel differently tomorrow. So when parents tell their teenagers that they are “a big disappointment,” it really hurts. It feels like a permanent, final judgment. Parents won’t necessarily see it this way because our point of view is different and the way we process information is different. The teenager doesn’t know that he won’t be a disappointment to you forever, according to Vanessa, so making such a final statement can hurt them deeply.

Her interesting perspective can be helpful to parents and teens alike, and she likes to work with both groups to help bring them closer.

For parents: “Hang in there. Don’t give up,” she says. She wants parents of teens to know that their kids will “come back.” She, too, went through a tumultuous time with her parents, and she remembers the pain of it. When she sees other families in the midst of a painful or dysfunctional period she knows that parents wonder if they will ever get through it… the negativity, the challenges, the bad behavior… she’s not only seen it all, she’s experienced it. Now, a young adult, she offers hope to parents and reinforces their efforts to listen and connect.

Other important suggestions for parents, according to Vanessa, are to facilitate and support your teen’s relationships with other adults. “A good mentor can make a big difference to a teenager and provide adult guidance when a parent isn’t able to get through.” She attributes some of her success to the positive mentors she had in a dance instructor and an older cousin.

And she tells parents, “Stay connected with other parents! Not only does it help keep you sane, but it helps you know what is really going on.”

For teenagers: “Strive for balance.” If they are overly-stressed because of too many commitments or in response to high expectations, she advises them to find time to take care of themselves even if it means giving a little less effort to responsibilities. If school has them stressed, she encourages teens to make sure they take time with friends to relax. If they are big partiers, she advises them to party a little less, and be a little more responsible. She witnesses the big swings that seem to highlights teens’ lives, and she promotes balance as the way out.

Vanessa’s blog is full of tips and provides an interesting and helpful point of view…check it out.

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I recently conducted a tele-seminar about improving communication between parents and teens and presented various approaches, strategies and tips such as:

• Focus on connection more than communication,
• You’re the adult…you may need to meet your teen more than half-way,
• Expect to utilize indirect communication methods at times,
• Become good at reading all kinds of communication from your teen – body language, the emotions that underlie the words, his behavior, his friends’ behavior, etc.
• It’s okay to negotiate on negotiable topics,
• Allow her to express her opinions,
• Treat him with respect no matter what,
• Invest in the emotional bank account you share…

…all of which are great and appropriate strategies.

And then I received this e-mail message:

My wife and I called into today’s tele-seminar and found the information you presented very helpful. The one comment I would like to make is that all your recommendations for listening to, and communicating with, our teens are well understood and make plenty of sense. The difficult part is to apply the “courteous” listening & responding skills while you’re receiving the total opposite in return. I fully understand that we have to be the “mature” side of the conversation, but this is often very difficult to put into action. It often seems like we’re trying to remain calm and understanding while receiving a verbal “slap in the face”, and turning the other cheek is a hard thing to do. I guess it’s a skill that must be constantly practiced.

This warrants a direct reply. Your feelings deserve respect, too!

“Turning the other cheek” is a “skill that must be constantly practiced,” AND I recognize that this can be difficult and feel very unfair and one-sided to parents who are receiving a regular “slap-in-the-face” from their teenager. There are times turning the other cheek may not be the best strategy. Let’s explore this further.

When kids are non-communicative or very negative with parents over a period of time, one needs to assess what is really going on. We need to explore if:

• this child is in trouble and is in need of intervention,
• we are in some way fostering this communication breakdown
• it’s time we stand our ground and no longer accept unacceptable behavior.

It is necessary to analyze both his behavior, and ours.

Why do teenagers communicate negatively with their parents? There may be many possible reasons that are all about him:

• Teens are going through major changes, and major stresses. If he is feeling badly, or under more pressure than he can handle, he may want to act out and express his discomfort. It is possible that the only place he feels comfortable enough to act out, knowing that in the long term he is unlikely to damage the relationship, is with his parents. In this case, because of your good relationship, you become the recipient of his bad behavior.
• It is also possible that he is acting out toward his parents because he is frustrated with the relationships, rules, expectations, communication style or some other elements in family life.
• He may be feeling stress, or emotions that he doesn’t understand or can’t handle, and he may not feel under control about how, when, and to whom this is expressed.
• He may be dealing with serious issues at school, with friends, even with drugs, alcohol or other major influences.
• He may be facing depression, or feeling really badly about himself for reasons you don’t understand.
• He may want to reach out and ask for help, but feels uncomfortable or unwilling to do so.

There is a developmental aspect to the parent-directed negativity that teenagers often project. As teenagers are striving for independence, they may perceive their parents as the obstacles that stand between them and their grown-up selves. You’ll undoubtably have seen instances when you have had your teenager reject your great suggestion only to implement it later on - but on his own terms. You see, in teens’ search for power, they sometimes feel that if they accept what their parents say, they have failed in some way. It feels like regression. It feels like he has let himself down in the critical job of gaining his independence. This can set up some rather strong feelings of negativity toward parents, who are innocently trying to support their teen. Seen in this context, we can understand that sometimes negative communication isn’t about the parents at all, but all about the teens. And it can fall under the category of “normal” teen behavior.

Consider if this negativity is a signal of more serious problems: Negativity, bad attitudes and an angry demeanor can be a signal that there are deeper problems that need addressing, and parents should be proactive in figuring this out. This behavior can result from various root causes, one of which is depression. You should know that depression in teenagers sometimes presents not in the affect parents might expect, but in angry outbursts.

Experts advise that parents evaluate their teenager’s behavior in terms of duration, frequency and intensity: How long has she been acting this way? How extensive and dramatic is this change in her behavior? How frequently do you see this behavior? You will want to consider these important questions as you begin to analyze the situation.

While you are engaging in information gathering, consider the strategy I call “circling the wagons.” This refers to speaking to important adults with whom your teen interacts on a regular basis. It may be beneficial to contact the school counselor and teachers, coaches or other significant adults in the school. Speak with faith leaders, adult friends, aunts and uncles…find out about the attitude and demeanor your teenager expresses to others. Do things seem amiss, or does he just save his nastiness for you? As you begin to gain a more thorough understanding of his state of mind, you can develop an appropriate strategy that may or may not include professional assistance.

Assess your communication and family dynamics: An honest assessment of your family dynamics should be included in this analysis. Families are intimately connected, and problems that show up in one person may indicate larger, more systemic issues that need to be addressed. Does your teenager receive enough loving attention? Does she feel safe and well cared for? Are there issues of competition or undue stress, unfair expectations, needs that are not being met? Try to be as honest as possible as you gather information about if and how you might be enabling and contributing to the communication breakdown. Again, you may be effective in doing this analysis yourself, and you may benefit from professional