For some parents this is the most dreaded conversation of all, while other parents just take it in stride. For some, the topic is emotionally loaded and difficult to approach, while for others the emotional barriers aren’t so high. The way you were raised will undoubtedly impact your comfort with the subject matter…but in the final analysis your comfort with the subject matter isn’t important. What’s important is that you educate your teenagers, and provide them with information and knowledge. You simply must take responsibility for addressing sex and sexuality; you are your teen’s the most important source of information.
Why is talking about sex with your kids challenging to so many parents? There are several good reasons:
-
it is a topic that is very personal and this can make parents feel uncomfortable;
-
it requires parents to recognize that your youngsters are sexual beings;
-
some parents fear that if they talk about it with their teenagers they are implying that being sexually active is okay.
Parents need to fill the information gap in many ways, not just in the discussions about “plumbing” and how babies are made, or in discussing the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases, but also in issues about romance, dating, and the feelings that arise as teens mature.
Doreen Harris is a health educator in Massachusetts who observes “Parents often have the most difficulty teaching their children about the emotional aspects of sexuality and sexual activity,” she says. Health and sexuality educators can inform teens about sexually transmitted diseases, about various contraceptive devices and the options available for protection. But the professionals don’t teach kids about values, choices, responsibilities, nor do they put sexual activity in a context that is based on that family’s belief system. And without this perspective, sex education is insufficient at best.
Ms. Harris points out “Teenagers are receiving messages from educators, from parents, from a variety of sources that they should not have sex, and they are bad if they do. Yet, their bodies are telling them they are sexual beings…so it’s confusing for kids.” Without a loving adult to help them find their way, the confusing mix of messages can really be problematic for kids. They need a trusting adult to level with them honestly, recognize their stage of maturity, and provide appropriate guidance. This cannot be outsourced to professionals and these conversations should not be left to a teen’s peers. Yet in the absence of adult guidance, teens obtain their information about this sensitive topic from their peers and the media.
Parents need to focus on the values you wish to teach them, along with the emotional and social factors of teenage sexuality and sexual activity. When parents address this responsibility head on, they can prevent the kind of sexual experimentation and youthful activities that create headlines that make parents cringe.
Talking about sexuality and teenage sex is best covered gradually, over time, in various situations and settings, rather than in THE BIG TALK. Kids are often uncomfortable with big, sit-down talks. If you really want to meet their needs you need to open the doors to questions and be comfortable answering them and encouraging them, anytime. If your teens aren’t asking, they may have gotten the message from you that this is uncomfortable territory. So your task is to make it comfortable. Begin by mentioning it in small ways, normalizing the subject matter, letting them know the topic is open for discussion. Be sensitive to making them feel comfortable – which is hard if you’re uncomfortable. Try anyway. Be creative. Be calming. Make it look easy. This is key to your success.
Doreen Harris recommends heightening your awareness to cues that are present everyday. When watching television together, ask your teen what s/he thinks about the values they are promoting. Sensitize them to messages in magazines, advertising…messages that are ever-present in our culture. It can be relatively easy to allow the cultural messages to be the bouncing-off point for these discussions. Remember NOT to preach or lecture. Go in gently or you’ll turn your kids off, for sure. Make it a two-way discussion. Be respectful of their opinions and feelings. When you are speaking about your feelings and values use “I” statements. Your teens want to know how you feel about these sensitive and important topics, but they want you to be respectful about their feelings too.
Deborah Roffman’s excellent book “Sex and Sensibility; The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex” is filled with her years of experience as a certified Sexuality and Family Life Educator and parent. She says children and adolescents have five core needs*. The needs don’t change over your years of child-rearing, but the topics covered certainly will. They are:
-
Affirmation: Children and adolescents need adults to recognize and validate their particular stage of sexual development.
-
Information giving: children and adolescents need factual knowledge and concepts about sexuality, presented in on-going and age-appropriate ways.
-
Values clarification: Children and adolescents need adults to share their parental values and to clarify and interpret competing values and values systems in the surrounding culture.
-
Limit setting: children and adolescents need adults to create a healthy and safe environment by stating and reinforcing age-appropriate rules and limits.
-
Anticipatory guidance: Children and adolescents need adults to help them learn how to avoid or handle potential harmful situations, and to prepare them for times when they will need to rely on themselves to make responsible and healthy choices.
When you think the time is right, you’re probably already two years late, so don’t wait any longer. It’s never too late to begin.
