Talking to your teens about sex is one of those things parents often dread; not all parents, just most of you. And yet, teaching your kids about sex is one of the most important jobs you have to do.

Sex is front and center every time you turn on the tube, go to the movies or see the magazines at the grocery check out. And sex is front and center in the brains of teenagers every day. But there is a time and place when these thoughts and feelings can be expressed, and there are other times when they need to be suppressed.  Adults know the parameters; kids need your coaching.

Dr Sharon Maxwell has a very helpful approach on this important subject.  Dr Maxwell is a psychologist and author of an excellent book on the subject: The Talk; A Breakthrough Guide to Raising Healthy Kids in an Oversexualized, Online, In-Your-Face World. She suggests that parents begin by framing the conversation about sex by discussing “desire” and “energy.”

Dr. Maxwell asks us to consider the power of “desire” and how many desires drive our behavior…desire for food, for pleasure, for safety, etc. She notes “Some desires, like the desire for food, we are born with; others, like sexual desire, only happen when our bodies are ready to reproduce. Learning to control our desires is a concept even young children can understand.  And we learn to control the energy around our desires and drives as we mature.

This is where her approach feels particularly creative and helpful.  Dr Maxwell says: “When we talk about desire as a form of energy, we open the door to a rich conversation about how this energy is activated, how it can be manipulated, and how we, as human beings, develop the muscle to control this energy. By giving our kids a way of understanding their relationship to all desires, we take sexual desire out of the domain of music videos, defuse the titillation, and show our kids that sex is just another, very important form of energy that we are responsible for learning how to control and direct.” (The Talk, pp 45 – 46)

So, consider how do any of us use, understand and communicate our sexual energy? How might a teen find appropriate ways to use, understand or communicate his/her sexual energy? Learning to control and direct sexual desire is like learning how to control and direct other kinds of desire…it requires developing the right muscles, self-discipline and being conscious of living your values.  Does this approach make talking about this topic feel easier to you?

Looking at sexual desire as “energy” also opens the door for discussions about the appropriate time and place for that energy to be expressed. Is  math class the best place for sexual energy to be expressed? Even your teen is likely to agree on that one.

Dr Maxwell has an excellent handout titled “Talking to Kids About Sex, Desire and the Power of  Sexy” from which I will provide a few excerpts.  I highly recommend her materials and am confident you will find her approach reassuring, comfortable and sensible.

1. Sexuality is a great and powerful source of energy. .. But with great power comes great responsibility and learning how to be a responsible adult means learning how to control and direct your sexual energy.

2. When your body first starts to become sexually mature the energy of your sexual feelings can be overwhelming. In the same way that you need to learn how to control the power of a car, you have to learn how to control the power of your sexual feelings.

3. Learning to control and direct the power of sexual desire takes the same kind of muscle as controlling angry feelings or hungry feelings, the power of self-discipline.

4. Sexual desire, and its complement, the ability to elicit sexual desire in others, are powerful forces. Like all desires, sexual desire can be manipulated by what you see, hear, feel and smell.

5. Advertisers manipulate people’s sexual feelings to get them to buy things. Teens are sold the idea that looking and acting sexy is a way to get power. Advertisers know that teens are insecure about their sexuality and that they can use that insecurity to sell products.

These are excellent conversation openers that frame this conversation in a way that is helpful, accurate, non-threatening and respectful.

Here’s a personal story from Emmie, who is a single 22 year old who is trying to decide what to do about her unwanted pregnancy. She’s not a teenager anymore, in fact, she is a college graduate soon to go to a prestigious graduate school. She is not with the father of this child any longer, and she has some very difficult choices to make. None of them are particularly attractive.

Emmie wrote to Lisa Belkin at the New York Times’ Motherlode blog (my favorite, as you know) asking for advice. In less than 24 hours she has heard from 555 people. And reading through these responses will give your daughters and sons an intimate view of how excruciating this decision is. Put your political and religious views aside, this is what it really feels like when someone is facing an unwanted pregnancy. This inside view from Emmie, and from the many kind and thoughtful respondents who are sharing their experiences, feels so much more authentic than the usual judgmental rants about this topic.

I hope you’ll use it to open discussion with your teens.

Here’s another example of digital communication changing our world: your teens can now get health and sexuality questions answered via text messaging…and according to www.BetterHealth.com some of these resources provide accurate and objective information, but not advice. Several helpful resources are mentioned in this post at www.BetterHealth.com …I suggest you check it out.

Resources:

Palo Alto Medical Foundation – Teen Health Info
Go Ask Alice – Health Services at Columbia University
The Birds and Bees Text Line
Sex Etc.

Image via Wikipedia

If you are like me, you may be amazed that one kid can send 6,473 text messages in one month. But what I find even more surprising are the number of young people involved in “sexting” – this is the new popular term for sending and receiving messages and images with sexual connotations. In a revealing study titled “Sex and Tech” conducted by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and Cosmo Girl, we learn that

• 37% of teen girls and 40% of teen boys are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages, and
• 22% of teen girls and 18% of teen boys have sent or posted nude or semi-nude pictures or video of themselves.

Where does this behavior come from? Let’s consider four possible explanations:

1.) Age-appropriate experimentation: Teenagers are in an important developmental stage as they figure out who they are and who they want to be. This is part of their job as adolescents; they are moving out from under parents’ wings and preparing to go out into the world as their own, separate and independent beings. During the teen years they often experiment with various personas… am I like Britney? Am I like my older cousin Jamie? You may see your teen change her look, her friends, her activities during this natural and important exploration process. It makes sense that some of this experimentation will take place over and through the communication channels that they utilize, including texting and on the computer. Just because they experiment with a sexual message or image doesn’t mean that they truly believe this is who they are… they may just be trying the image out to see how it feels. While you may be disturbed by a sexual innuendo or risky image that your teen projects in a message, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve failed in teaching her values, she just might be in need of more discussion and guidance. Some amount of experimentation with one’s image is perfectly “normal” for teens.

2.) Indirect communication: Because texting is not face-to-face communication, it feels one step removed, possibly one step safer than a personal come-on. Consider that even adult communication changes when we are not face to face; I’m constantly amazed at how aggressive and nasty many comments are on public blogs and discussion boards…. the closer we get to anonymity the more we tend to push the limits of acceptable behavior.

3.) Pressure and expectations: Consider the behavior that is modeled on television and in the movies for our teens; kids sometimes feel pressure that they should be engaging in communication that is sexual in nature – it surrounds them all day and all night! They feel pressure in a general sense from these images and they sometimes feel direct pressure from their peers. In the above-mentioned study 51% of teen girls say “pressure from a guy” is a reason they send sexy messages. As a whole 23% of teen girls and 24% of teen boys say they were pressured by friends to send or post sexual content.

4.) Minimal supervision: Teens today can get away with more because parents aren’t watching. I don’t mean this as a value judgment on parents, but rather to point out that few parents actually are aware of the content of many of the text messages that are sent via your child’s cell phone. Monitoring the content of kids’ messages isn’t easy, and even caring and watchful parents wonder what the right level of supervision should be.

Many are conflicted about this activity: Deep in the back of the Sex and Tech study I found a fascinating data point that I believe helps to demonstrate the conflict that kids feel about messages with sexual content. Respondents were asked to describe the people who send suggestive messages and images by responding to a list of adjectives. The top four adjectives* kids used to describe those who send sexy images and messages were:

• 72% slutty
• 66% flirty
• 65% desperate
• 55% bold

You can feel the attraction teens sense in this activity by their descriptive terms of “flirty” and “bold,” can’t you? What teen wouldn’t want to be those things? And yet most know it’s not the kind of activity that will make them proud.

So why do some teens do it anyway? Perhaps because of the four explanations above and because they are teens. Because of their stage of brain development they don’t connect actions with consequences.

Hopefully you can find a way in to guide them so their consequences don’t live on in cyberspace forever.

*Net of those who responded “strongly” and “somewhat agree”

I know it’s uncomfortable for most of you, talking about sex with your kids. And probably many of you think you are talking enough and letting your kids learn from you. But a survey conducted by Tyra Banks, and the shocking picture it portrays about your daughters and their sexual activities should propel you to the mirror. Have a good talk with yourself. Be honest. You may not be doing enough. Please, parents of teens – Moms and Dads, you need to:

• Talk to your teenager about the values you wish to teach and share, then LISTEN and allow your teen to air his/her thoughts,
• Recognize that your teenager is a sexual being, not a little kid. Don’t talk down to them. Be realistic.
• Recognize and discuss the myriad sexual messages your teen views regularly in the media. Help your teen to learn to challenge these messages and invite her to discuss them with you. Empower her to view them critically and encourage her to develop her own views and opinions.
• Be informed about the real facts. If less than half of teens are having sex, that means more than half are choosing not to have sex. Let your teen know that he is making a choice along with the majority of his peers if he waits. (Figures about this vary; the data shown in the video below is different than other studies. The Kaiser Family Foundation publicizes figures showing that median age for first intercourse is 16.9 for boys and 17.4 for girls. They say that 48% of teens in grades 9 – 12 are sexually active.)
• Let your teen know that you are available for discussions and questions, and that you will respect them and treat these conversations seriously and confidentially. You do this by showing them this behavior. You demonstrate that you can talk about the subject; it’s not enough to say “You know you can talk to me.” If that’s all you say you have not demonstrated that you really are approachable about the subject.
• Let your teen know about local health resources if they need help or have questions they don’t want to address with you. Let them know they can go to their doctor, or a local clinic. Do the research. Make certain that if your teen chooses to be sexually active and not tell you, that s/he will do this responsibly.

Now fasten your seatbelts. Here Matt Lauer discusses Tyra Bank’s survey:

…needs to happen around your kitchen table.

We don’t need another blogger writing about Sarah Palin’s pregnant 17 year old daughter… that’s being covered….probably way too much. However, this topic presents a golden opportunity for parents of teenage boys and girls to open a dialogue about teenagers, sexual activity and pregnancy.

Right before their eyes, and, unfortunately in the national spotlight, teens can watch the unfoldings of this young teen couple who are about to become parents. I won’t make judgments about Bristol and Levi, and you don’t have to either, but don’t miss this chance to ask your teens to consider whether they would welcome the upcoming adult responsibilities this couple is now in for. Are Bristol and Levi able to support themselves and their baby? Have they completed the education they’ll need? Are they emotionally ready to be parents? Ask your teen what s/he thinks about this, and how s/he’d respond if it happened to her.

Here are some talking points:

Here are some facts for you:

Parents have the biggest influence when it comes to your teen’s decisions about sex. However, as your teen grows, your influence diminishes. Start early; start talking about sex and share your values when your teen is young….and keep the dialogue going!

Here are some thought provoking articles, and a national study.
“A New Poster Child for Teen Pregnancy”

Poverty, Not Sex Ed, Key Factor in Teen Pregnancy the San Francisco Chronicle

With One Voice 2007; America’s Adults and Teens Sound Off About Teen Pregnancy

“Never let your freshman date a senior!” is the recommendation for parents of teenagers from a 20-something respondent to my survey. Her advice has resonated in my brain for months now, and when I came across this additional data I knew I had to write about it:

*this data came from a report published by the Kaiser Family Foundation.

[The Kaiser Family Foundation is non-profit, private operating foundation dedicated to providing information and analysis on health care issues to policymakers, the media, the health care community and the general public. The Foundation is not associated with Kaiser Permanente or Kaiser Industries.]

For some parents this is the most dreaded conversation of all, while other parents just take it in stride. For some, the topic is emotionally loaded and difficult to approach, while for others the emotional barriers aren’t so high. The way you were raised will undoubtedly impact your comfort with the subject matter…but in the final analysis your comfort with the subject matter isn’t important. What’s important is that you educate your teenagers, and provide them with information and knowledge. You simply must take responsibility for addressing sex and sexuality; you are your teen’s the most important source of information.

Why is talking about sex with your kids challenging to so many parents? There are several good reasons:

• it is a topic that is very personal and this can make parents feel uncomfortable;

• it requires parents to recognize that your youngsters are sexual beings;

• some parents fear that if they talk about it with their teenagers they are implying that being sexually active is okay.

Parents need to fill the information gap in many ways, not just in the discussions about “plumbing” and how babies are made, or in discussing the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases, but also in issues about romance, dating, and the feelings that arise as teens mature.

Doreen Harris is a health educator in Massachusetts who observes “Parents often have the most difficulty teaching their children about the emotional aspects of sexuality and sexual activity,” she says. Health and sexuality educators can inform teens about sexually transmitted diseases, about various contraceptive devices and the options available for protection. But the professionals don’t teach kids about values, choices, responsibilities, nor do they put sexual activity in a context that is based on that family’s belief system. And without this perspective, sex education is insufficient at best.

Ms. Harris points out “Teenagers are receiving messages from educators, from parents, from a variety of sources that they should not have sex, and they are bad if they do. Yet, their bodies are telling them they are sexual beings…so it’s confusing for kids.” Without a loving adult to help them find their way, the confusing mix of messages can really be problematic for kids. They need a trusting adult to level with them honestly, recognize their stage of maturity, and provide appropriate guidance. This cannot be outsourced to professionals and these conversations should not be left to a teen’s peers. Yet in the absence of adult guidance, teens obtain their information about this sensitive topic from their peers and the media.

Parents need to focus on the values you wish to teach them, along with the emotional and social factors of teenage sexuality and sexual activity. When parents address this responsibility head on, they can prevent the kind of sexual experimentation and youthful activities that create headlines that make parents cringe.

Talking about sexuality and teenage sex is best covered gradually, over time, in various situations and settings, rather than in THE BIG TALK. Kids are often uncomfortable with big, sit-down talks. If you really want to meet their needs you need to open the doors to questions and be comfortable answering them and encouraging them, anytime. If your teens aren’t asking, they may have gotten the message from you that this is uncomfortable territory. So your task is to make it comfortable. Begin by mentioning it in small ways, normalizing the subject matter, letting them know the topic is open for discussion. Be sensitive to making them feel comfortable – which is hard if you’re uncomfortable. Try anyway. Be creative. Be calming. Make it look easy. This is key to your success.

Doreen Harris recommends heightening your awareness to cues that are present everyday. When watching television together, ask your teen what s/he thinks about the values they are promoting. Sensitize them to messages in magazines, advertising…messages that are ever-present in our culture. It can be relatively easy to allow the cultural messages to be the bouncing-off point for these discussions. Remember NOT to preach or lecture. Go in gently or you’ll turn your kids off, for sure. Make it a two-way discussion. Be respectful of their opinions and feelings. When you are speaking about your feelings and values use “I” statements. Your teens want to know how you feel about these sensitive and important topics, but they want you to be respectful about their feelings too.

Deborah Roffman’s excellent book “Sex and Sensibility; The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex” is filled with her years of experience as a certified Sexuality and Family Life Educator and parent. She says children and adolescents have five core needs*. The needs don’t change over your years of child-rearing, but the topics covered certainly will. They are:

• Affirmation: Children and adolescents need adults to recognize and validate their particular stage of sexual development.

• Information giving: children and adolescents need factual knowledge and concepts about sexuality, presented in on-going and age-appropriate ways.

• Values clarification: Children and adolescents need adults to share their parental values and to clarify and interpret competing values and values systems in the surrounding culture.

• Limit setting: children and adolescents need adults to create a healthy and safe environment by stating and reinforcing age-appropriate rules and limits.

• Anticipatory guidance: Children and adolescents need adults to help them learn how to avoid or handle potential harmful situations, and to prepare them for times when they will need to rely on themselves to make responsible and healthy choices.

When you think the time is right, you’re probably already two years late, so don’t wait any longer. It’s never too late to begin.