Casey knew how to be a good cheerleader. She had been a Pop Warner cheerleader for five years, and she was about to walk onto the stage for the finals of the 8^th grade cheering tryouts. She was among ten finalists, which was to be narrowed down to eight cheerleaders.

Her turn came, and she walked onto the stage to perform the tryout routine. The first jump went well, and then a terrifying thought came into her mind: “I don’t belong here! What if I make this team? I’ll be forever inferior to these cool, beautiful, rich girls.” Right in that instant – which she still remembers poignantly – she stopped trying, and as she fumbled through the rest of the routine, she set the stage for her next 25 years.

This is a true story, and Casey, now in her fifties, still looks back on that moment on the stage as a turning point that affected her life in every way. “I can’t help but wonder how different my life might have been if I hadn’t allowed my low self-esteem to take over, as I did in that moment.”

For Casey, the sense of not belonging, of not measuring up, of simply not being good-enough, haunted her for years. Naturally shy, many of her peers misunderstood her withdrawal, thinking she was stuck-up. High school was not fun; she ate lunch alone, wandered the hallways alone. Her sense of self was infected with a deep and intense self loathing.

What is it about self-esteem? What kind of actions can one take to increase their self-esteem? What does it really mean, and why is it so important?

These are important questions for parents to ask. And know that this is not a cut and dried issue; one’s self esteem can vary over time and in different circumstances. It is a core element of our experiences; indeed our self-esteem influences how we act, and how we act influences our self-esteem. Let’s take a deeper look.

According to Nathaniel Branden, author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, “Self esteem is the ability to cope with the basic challenges of life and to feel worthy of happiness.” The two key components of self-esteem, competence and self-respect overlap and interact with one another.

Some adults make the mistake of thinking they are building this attribute with exuberant award-giving and empty accolades. These efforts don’t build self esteem because self-esteem is not an external quality. It is internally based; it’s having confidence in your ability to think and cope with life’s challenges; it’s feeling worthy of success and deserving of happiness; it’s believing we’re entitled to express our needs and wants.

What does high self-esteem and low self-esteem look like? Like shyness, behavior that is impacted by low self-esteem can be misleading. Defensive behavior, fearing new and unfamiliar things, feeling angry, settling for less, an unwillingness to set goals, being unreasonable or blind to reality; these are often expressions of low self-esteem. People with high self-esteem are able to adapt to changes, recognize and correct mistakes, express themselves, be helpful to others, seek worthwhile goals and have the energy to cope with challenges.

Nathaniel Brandon identifies the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. They are:

• The practice of living consciously
• The practice of self-acceptance
• The practice of self-responsibility
• The practice of self-assertiveness
• The practice of living purposefully
• The practice of personal integrity

Here’s an example of each pillar: Living consciously means facing fear and pain as signals to look more closely, rather than look away.

Self acceptance means being willing to experience what you feel and think, and to accept responsibility for your actions rather than justifying them.

Self-responsibility indicates accepting responsibility for your choices and how you spend your time.

Self-assertiveness means you will stand up for your beliefs and think for yourself.

Those who live purposefully focus on goals and living productively.

Personal integrity means your behavior matches your values and beliefs.

Parents can help teens develop their sense of self-esteem. The two primary ways are through modeling and support.

Here are some ways:

• Adults need to model the behavior that demonstrates our willingness to look at challenges and address them, rather than avoid them.
• Adults need to accept responsibility for our actions, and encourage and reward the teen who does the same thing.
• When kids invest time in activities that take them off track, natural consequences will often teach them a lesson. Encourage kids to take responsibility for their choices, and gently help them see alternative choices that they can make that will move them closer to their goals.
• Encourage and support teens’ ability to stand up for their beliefs. You don’t have to agree with them, but you can recognize and applaud their efforts to express themselves.
• The goals that matter most are your teen’s goals for him/her self, not your goals for your teen. Support goal setting, and help your teen have personal choices in the matter.
• Point out the stress and discomfort you see when people don’t match their behavior to their values. Help teens see how important this is.
• Give kids responsibility; encourage, reward and recognize them when they live up to their responsibilities.

Middle school kids in particular, often associate their social status and their material possessions with power and esteem. Wise parents will know that popularity and material things are not what drive this essential quality, self-esteem. In fact, the girl who surrounds herself with the “in crowd” and the “right” clothes may in fact be covering up for low self-esteem. The boastful and “cool” ninth grade boy may be the most insecure of all.

Parents can support their kids the most by helping them develop competencies and skills, understanding that self esteem is internally based and must be built brick by brick through experience and interactions. It is through the feeling of competence that kids develop confidence in their ability to cope with life’s challenges, and believe that they are worthy of happiness.

It often doesn’t even matter in what areas one develops competencies, because feeling confident and competent in one area will generate the drive to explore new areas. This is why many a high school guidance counselor will advise parents not to punish a child who is achieving poor grades by removing him from a favorite sports activity. In fact, the success that is obtained from participating in an extra-curricular activity can drive success in academics. Success in one area can spill over into another.

Casey’s trial Casey no longer suffers from poor self-confidence, and she attributes her development to taking a risk – and surviving it. She was in her thirties when she decided to move away from the area in which she was raised. On her own, she took a job in a distant state. Her ability to first survive, and then thrive, was dramatic growth for her. She discovered her resilience, and was thrilled to discover new abilities. As she successfully pushed out beyond her comfort zone and mastered new challenges, she liked the feeling of success. This promoted a desire to grow and develop more, and shed the old limiting beliefs. She is a different person today, and wishes she had made these discoveries years earlier.

Our self-esteem impacts our choices. Casey learned something just a year ago that has caused her to again ponder how her life could have been different had positive self-esteem allowed different choices. Her Dad, now in his late seventies, shared a story she had not previously heard. Upon returning from World War II he was given an opportunity to attend the University of Chicago on a full scholarship. He had been a whiz at decoding during the war, and the army saw a great deal of potential in him. But he had not graduated from high school, and he was intimidated at the prospect of going to college, especially such a prestigious university. He turned down this tremendous opportunity – he didn’t have the courage to face it. One wonders what other paths his life could have taken, had he had the confidence in his abilities, and the self-respect to believe he was worthy of such an opportunity.

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Meet Josh. Josh was a trouble maker in eighth grade. He skipped classes, rarely did homework, and his name was associated with some unpleasant pranks around the school. So when he showed up for play auditions the directors were surprised, to say the least. Turns out, Josh wanted to run the lights and he quickly demonstrated his competence. A couple of weeks into play rehearsals the principal became aware of Josh’s involvement in the play. Since Josh was flirting with academic probation it would have been easy for the principal to forbid Josh’s involvement with the play. But Josh was doing a great job. He was never late for rehearsal; and although he was quiet and focused, he was making new friends with kids in the cast, and everyone was seeing him in a new light. He was a major asset to the play effort, and everyone, the principal included, saw the benefits this experience was having on Josh. Developing competence, feeling appreciation, receiving recognition for a job well done – these are powerful experiences. Today, having successfully graduated from high school, Josh is passionate about doing well in the fire-fighting school he attends, and the twinkle in his eye is irresistible as he talks about his plans for his future.

Sometimes it is the extra-curricular activities in a teenager’s life that provides the fuel for their fire. For parents this isn’t always clear. Writing that big check for dance classes, trumpet rental, or hockey equipment can present a real burden in many families. In some, the tendency is to tie teens’ ability to participate in extra-curricular activities to their academic achievement. You know, the “you have to earn this” attitude. Layer on top the challenges parents face in transporting kids to these activities, and extra-curricular activities may seem not worth it. Big hassle. Big expense. Minimal value when compared to the importance of academic excellence.

Think again.

Not all teenagers thrive in their academic pursuits. Although important, academic achievement is just a part of life, it is not everything. And kids who struggle in school one year may do infinitely better the next. Having opportunities to develop an array of skills and interests that are extra-curricular in nature is crucially important to teens’ development for a range of reasons:

Confidence: Developing new skills helps kids build confidence and self-esteem, which we know can be pretty fragile for teenagers. This is especially important for kids who are not doing well academically. Everyone needs a place in their life where they feel competent and valued.  

Leadership: The social structure is different when in non-classroom activities. Youngsters who may be uncomfortable answering questions in math class may develop and demonstrate important leadership skills in other environments.

Skill building: Extra-curricular activities may give kids the opportunity to develop interests and skills that can turn into a vocation, or provide a source of pleasure throughout their life. The skilled pianist may help put herself through college from her paid gigs at parties; the pleasure from a good game of tennis can last into one’s seventies.

Cognitive development: This is a crucial time in the development of teens’ brains. Research shows that their brains are still developing, and while their brains are not yet “hardwired,” this is an important time in their life to expose them to new opportunities to learn. It’s the “use it or lose it” principle: using new parts of their brain actually helps develop it.

Social: Developing relationships with a different group of kids can be an advantage and an opportunity.  Roles change, and kids can develop new friendships in an environment outside of the classroom. Exposing the talent of a budding artist, the saxophone player who’s a natural, the soccer star – all kids have some skills and interests they can develop that can positively enhance their experiences and their social world.  

Keep ’em busy: The majority of high-risk behavior occurs between 3 p.m. –  7 p.m. on weekdays.

Structuring time: Guidance counselors will tell parents that many a student athlete actually does better academically in season than out of season. For one thing, kids must be fairly well organized to be on a team – or involved in any extra curricular activity - and keep up with the necessary schoolwork. Besides, coaches demand and support scholastic success – it’s pressure for academic performance that parents do not have to apply.

It’s easy for parents to focus entirely on academic achievement. We live in a competitive society and having high expectations of our teenagers helps them reach and grow. But when you examine the big picture, you can see that the skills kids develop outside of the classroom may have an even stronger impact on their development. Try not to tie extra curricular opportunities to academic performance; helping your teenagers develop in non-academic areas and can set them up for exciting, and important, new opportunities for growth.

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