Parents of younger teens are sometimes wondering how to provide the safe online activities that will teach and entertain kids, while giving them reliable protection. NewMoonGirls.com is one such online community; specifically created for girls ages 8 – 12 this unique site offers ad-free, healthy and positive content and encourages tween girls to share their creativity through artwork, poetry, videos etc. Two of their major areas of focus are to build self- esteem in girls and to promote a healthy body image. Membership to this site and community can make a memorable, enjoyable and educational holiday gift.

To share their words: “New Moon Girls is an online community and print magazine where girls create and share poetry, artwork, videos, and more; chat together; and learn. All in a fully moderated, educational environment designed to build self-esteem and positive body image. Membership is just $29.95 for 12 months unlimited online access + 6 bimonthly issues of New Moon Girls print magazine.”

When you visit their website, you’ll know you’ve found a special place. Inviting, colorful and inspirational, they do a first-class job in appealing to your tween daughters, nieces and friends. Here’s just one small section from their home page; you can easily tell these good folks take what they do seriously.

www.NewMoon.com

Here’s a sample copy of their November/December magazine.

This is a terrific holiday gift idea for the tweens and young teen girls on your list. Don’t wait. www.NewMoon.com

It was late when Natalie’s cell phone rang, and it was a dreaded call. “Your daughter is on her way to the emergency room. She blacked out. We were afraid to leave her because she was so drunk.”

This mom called me last week to tell me about the incident… no, she didn’t want to tell me about the actual incident as much as she wanted to tell me how she handled it.  She was proud that she had handled this terrible incident with relative calm and with control,  keeping things in perspective even while in the midst of the crisis.  She wanted to report to me that they had “been through the fire”...and had survived.

How many other parents have faced crises with your teens this summer?  Have your teens misbehaved?  Gotten into trouble?   Did they let you (and themselves) down in some way?  Teens don’t all misbehave, but enough of them do that this is an important question:  How will you survive a crisis you may face?

Preparing for the unexpected can be difficult, but being prepared is key to your success in a crisis.

Natalie was prepared. She invests time to make sure she is a smart, tuned-in parent for her teenagers.  She reads,  she speaks with friends and peers,  she is involved in her kids’ schools, and she works hard to share their lives and understand their point of view.  In fact she so values the opportunity to share ideas with other parents she has been in (and even led) several Please Stop the Rollercoaster parent discussion groups.

So when she spent those awful hours at the hospital while her daughter was severely under the influence of alcohol, Natalie kept her cool.  And after the crisis had passed over the next couple of weeks they processed what happened that night.  She huddled with her daughter,  her daughter’s friends and the other parents.  This incident became a valuable teachable moment because Natalie didn’t over-react.   And she didn’t allow it to devastate her or ruin her summer.

Lessons learned.  Relationships intact. That’s about the best you can ask for, isn’t it?

So, here’s the question for you: Will you be prepared if you face a crisis with your teen?

Here is my Crisis Response Plan*

When a crisis occurs, this four-step process can help you stay on track and respond productively:

STEP ONE:  Breath deeply This slows things down so you can think logically and deliberately.

STEP TWO: Identify objectively what has happened Make sure your response is properly aligned with reality. This is probably not the end of the world,  and you  probably will survive this crisis.

STEP THREE:  Ask yourself  “What’s the best outcome we can have?” Identify the best that can happen now, and set your sights on that.

STEP FOUR: Ask “How can I help make this happen?” Put yourself in action to help make the best outcome a reality.

*Note: This crisis response plan is one of our “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen” available in our free, downloadable e-book.  Download it, share it, put it on your website… and send us a link so we can see how you are supporting parents too.

I was scolded yesterday on a blog where I posted a list of guidelines for monitoring your teen. The mom who commented on my post at The Partnership for a Drug Free America’s blog Decoder says

“All of the touchy-feely advice given throughout this website absolutely does not address the needs of parents such as myself with real problem kids.The list implies a level of cooperation from the teenager that they don’t have to give you. My son is purposely secretive about his friends, their names, where they live, where they go and what they do. I seldom get more than a “I’m with a friends” when I call his cell and if he doesn’t want to give me that much he simply doesn’t pick up the phone. When he was in middle school some of the above was within my power but now as an older teenager he has taken away my ability to parent and control his actions. Frankly, i resent these websites because i believe they are as unhelpful as the “just say no” campaign. Everyone including his therapist gives the same advice; i’ve done it all and it hasn’t worked – now what? I’ve just finished cleaning up the mess in his bedroom caused by his first bout of binge drinking until 3:30 AM, i can’t imagine what the next shoe to drop will be.”

Over this past weekend I received an email with the subject line “Teenage boy locked out of his house.” A crisis was occurring in real time, and the writer was trying to figure out if and how to intervene.

Just this morning I received a note from a Mom with two children in rehab who shares:

“Yes, mothering teenagers has been the rollercoaster ride of my life–but without the breathing room the rollercoaster offers between big hills and sharp curves.”

Raising teenagers can be really really hard. And when the teenagers ratchet up the bad behavior, guess what? Parents need to ratchet up the response. The stakes are high. You are not dealing with small issues here, but very possibly life itself. And, for parents, risk is involved. Your kids may not act rationally, they may not respond well to your intervention, no matter how well intentioned. It is vital that you work with a professional. And some professionals will be more suited to your situation than others…so if you are not getting realistic input or advice, find somebody else.

I completely understand why the mom who admonishes the advice on the Partnership for a Drug Free America’s site feels it is irrelevant to her. It is. Her situation is now more serious and requires more serious intervention. I am not going to advise her on what action to take because each situation is unique and different. Blogs and websites are wonderful places to get lots of information…but there is a limit. And when you have teens who are using drugs and binge drinking you need personal and professional assistance.

The reader with two kids in rehab shares some of her story:

I empathize completely with your correspondent’s sense that she is dealing with far more than the usual level of teen trouble, and that the usual responses just don’t work. As it turned out, for instance, my daughter was stealing the family car, driving to houses with older teens/adults, and drinking until she passed out. At one of these “parties” someone burned her with cigarettes. In short, her life was in danger,and it was no longer enough to take her cellphone or ground her. I couldn’t keep her grounded. Instead, I had to arrange an intervention with her therapist and have her admitted the next day to a residential treatment program. (The same happened with my stepson as well, who is in the facility now.) We were lucky, of course, to have insurance that covered much of the cost of their stays, but even then, it has been an expensive–emotionally and psychologically–experience. We reached a point where I had to act on what had once been idle threats. When my teenaged son came home drunk, I called the police. When I recognized that my daughter’s drinking was so extreme, I had her committed to residential treatment. None of these decisions was easy to make, much less to enforce. But I had come to understand that I would lose my children–to serious injury or death–if I did not act. For parents whose children aren’t engaged in this totally over-the-top behavior, it can be impossible to understand or empathize. People tend to think that if only we were better parents–stricter, more involved, more consistent, more something–our children would toe the line. Too often, the reality is that we are dealing with children who have mental illnesses that exacerbate their behaviors. Depression can really manifest itself quite differently in teens than in adults.

If the reality with your teen is looking grim, don’t wait to get help and to take action. Don’t wait for the other shoe to drop.

Here is a link to the helpful resources on the Partnership for a Drug Free America’s website: click here

Here’s a personal story from Emmie, who is a single 22 year old who is trying to decide what to do about her unwanted pregnancy. She’s not a teenager anymore, in fact, she is a college graduate soon to go to a prestigious graduate school. She is not with the father of this child any longer, and she has some very difficult choices to make. None of them are particularly attractive.

Emmie wrote to Lisa Belkin at the New York Times’ Motherlode blog (my favorite, as you know) asking for advice. In less than 24 hours she has heard from 555 people. And reading through these responses will give your daughters and sons an intimate view of how excruciating this decision is. Put your political and religious views aside, this is what it really feels like when someone is facing an unwanted pregnancy. This inside view from Emmie, and from the many kind and thoughtful respondents who are sharing their experiences, feels so much more authentic than the usual judgmental rants about this topic.

I hope you’ll use it to open discussion with your teens.

This story that was shared on NBC is a poignant and powerful example of how an online community can connect people and even save lives. Enjoy.

You’re Empowered! Parenting Teens with Conviction, Communication and Love has been named as a top-three finalist for a 2009 Benjamin Franklin Award for best audiobook-nonfiction. The Benjamin Franklin Awards are among the most respected Book Awards in the country and recognize excellence in both editorial and design. The award is administered by the Independent Book Publishers Association, IBPA, (formerly PMA) with the help of industry professionals coming from the library, bookstore, reviewer, designer, publicity and editorial markets.

I am a big fan of audio content. Commuters, runners and parents who spend hours in the car each week transporting kids have great opportunities to listen to valuable and beneficial audio programming. I developed this program so parents can listen when it’s convenient for you, and the 28 page workbook accompanies the audio so that you can revisit the concepts and make some notes. The Parents’ Action Tool makes the program even more concrete and actionable. This program is created for typical parents with typical teens.

This 3-hour audiobook (available as an MP3 download or as a 3-CD set) looks at parenting teens through a communications framework because I believe the key to raising teenagers is good communication.

• The first CD is titled De-Mystifying Teens. In it we examine three Growth and Development Factors and three Invisible Motivators. When parents understand more about why kids behave the way they do, it is easier to understand your teen and find ways to motivate, communicate and support them.

• The second hour is titled simply Improving Communication. Here we look at obstacles to communication and common mistakes that parents make. Then we look at how parents can improve your listening skills, and various approaches and tactics to improve your communication effectiveness. For the most part, parents don’t need to rework your approach…improving communication is a matter of making little tweaks and adjustments. This feels very doable using these relatively simple tactics.

• In the third hour of the program we look at Keeping Your Teens Safe from Risky Behavior. Examining risky behavior through a communications lens is a unique approach, and a very valid one. It is through effective communication that parents have the best possibility to influence kids and diminish tendencies for experimentation. We examine alcohol use, drug use and sexual activity, providing a combination of facts and communication approaches that parents can use.

Creating this audiobook was a ton of fun…and it was a bigger challenge than I had imagined. Honestly, it felt a bit surreal when I found myself in a sound studio last summer… I love public speaking but I had never imagined myself in a recording studio before! Erik Kilburn at Wellspring Sound in Acton, MA proved to be a great co-producer for the program and helped me craft it so I’m very proud of the end result. Lynne Griffin, a dear friend and colleague provided some excellent consultation and pushed me to make the content clear and concrete. My graphic designer, Susan Williams designed the cover and the workbook. The 28-page workbook is a valuable product by itself!

I look forward to attending the Benjamin Franklin Awards on May 28 in New York City. The product is competing in a broad category – audiobooks/nonfiction – so it is competing with two other programs that have nothing to do with parenting at all. It will be interesting to see what happens…and if I win I’ll be sure to announce it here!

Listen to an audio excerpt from the program introduction as well as download the Parents’ Action Tool, which is included the program.

We’re releasing the press release today. If you are in the media and would like a copy of this audiobook for a possible review please call me or drop me an email. More info, including a company fact sheet, bio etc is posted in the Press Kit area of this site. Or you can click to see the Press Release, Q & A and a Parenting Tips page from the workbook.

Owen Jennings is just completing his sophomore year at Dartmouth. Don’t miss his compelling essay Sober in the Animal House in the New York Times. Make this must reading for your teenager….especially if college is not far off.

Drinking to excess has become a social crutch with consequences for young adults that can have far reaching consequences. Beyond the inherent and hopefully obvious dangers of alcohol poisoning, unwanted sexual activity, violence and addiction, some heavy-drinking teens actually fail to mature during this vital stage of growth and development. Lest I fall into clinical talk that fails to adequately capture the tragedy here, let me quote from one of the reader comments on the NYTimes’ blog posting:

For those of you [who] think that college alcoholism is a problem only for C-students and Greeks, I’m hear to tell you that in my experience, it cuts across all levels of academic success. Only one of my regular drinking buddies was in a fraternity and none of us had a GPA below 3.5. We’re now pursuing careers in law, medicine, business, chemistry, physics, social work, government and international aid.

So “no harm, no foul” right? Just kids being kids? Looking back on those wasted nights and their unfortunate consequences, not the least of which is forgetting how to socialize without drinking, I think it’s time for a change.

Rotten Little Girls is a blog written by two current college students who maintain their anonymity, but in an authentic voice share a viewpoint about college drinking. One says:

• “Pre-gaming” became a ritual and I attributed my new confident self to alcohol. Instead of being a relative wallflower like I was in high school, suddenly I had the confidence to go up to cute guys and hit on them, or talk to people who seemed cooler than I. Granted, I was friends with people I would now consider alcoholics or alcohol abusers, but I thought that beer and cheap vodka was the holy grail of social lubrication. I was fearless.
  

Koren Zailckas’ sadly moving portrayal (Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood) about college drinking from a young woman’s personal experience was eye-opening for parents. I don’t know the impact it has had on kids’ experiences in college…. seems not much has changed from Owen’s account. Koren’s point in sharing her alcohol enmeshed adventures through high school and college seems to be captured in this quote from her introduction:

• “Nine years after I took my first drink, it occurs to me that I haven’t grown up. I am missing so much of the equipment that adults should have, like the ability to sustain eye contact without flinching or letting my gaze roll slantwise to the floor. …I should be able to stop self-censoring and smile when I feel like it. I should recognize happiness when I feel it expand in my gut…. Clinicians report some [of these] women, who seek treatment for alcoholism in their mid-to-late twenties, not only look younger but act younger too…it seems some women’s emotional development arrests as a result of alcohol. They stall at the age they were when they had their first drinks.”

(Smashed, preface, xvii – xviii)

I’ve shared this quote from Zailckas’ book previously, because this theme comes up over and over again. The ““unexpected consequences” aren’t limited to the car accidents, the blank memories, the nasty hang-overs; it’s sadder than that. It’s failure to launch into full adulthood.

Owen Jennings says “I realize that drinking is a way to rebel and revel in the newfound freedom that college brings. But it’s also a veil, a way to manipulate, distort and enhance who we really are.”

Try that line of argument as you talk with your kids about their drinking habits, and please share Owen’s essay and Koren’s book. Let me know if this gets their attention.

A good sense of smell goes a long way in determining if your teen is using alcohol or smoking marijuana, but it probably won’t help if prescription drugs are involved.Mary Bono Mack got my attention when she was on the talk-show circuit last week talking about her son’s drug addiction, noting that the lack of telltale odors made it more difficult to tell that he was using. There is a long list of well known families who have suffered with drug abuse and addiction, but this doesn’t only happen in famous families….it happens next door. Do you know that more teens abuse prescription drugs than any other drug except marijuana? How can parents tell if kids are abusing prescription drugs?

An excellent resource, PARENTS:theAntiDrug.com website shares some signs and symptoms that your teen might be abusing prescription and/or over-the-counter (OTC) drugs. They include:

constricted pupils,

slurred speech,

or flushed skin.

Parents should be alert to the following:

personality changes,

mood swings,

irritability,

excessive energy,

sleepiness

avoiding sleep,

sweating,

loss of appetite,

forgetfulness,

clumsiness.

Their website offers an innovative interactive house tour, impactful video messages, resources and conversation tips for parents. In addition, they have asked me to share this Q & A with you:

Q&A with Karen Reed, spokesperson for the American Pharmacists Association

Q: I hear about kids taking various pills – uppers, downers, painkillers, etc., that have been prescribed for their parents. What can those drugs do to teens who have not been prescribed those medications?

A: It is always difficult to predict what type of reaction teens will have to medication not prescribed for them, especially when we don’t know the dose they will abuse — and if it will be taken with other drugs or alcohol. Uppers can cause hostility, paranoia, or seizures. These drugs can affect motor skills, impair judgment, and affect the heart. Downers and painkillers can decrease concentration, impair judgment, and slow motor skills. Taking downers and painkillers in excess can also cause sedation and seizures. Imagine a teen driver under the influence of these drugs driving a motor vehicle — this combination could prove deadly as well.

Q: We keep cold, cough, and other over-the-counter medications in the house. What is the best way to monitor those medications?

A: Over-the-counter medications are safe and effective for some people when used properly under a medical professional’s guidance. However, the ingredients, when abused, can be taken to get high. Therefore keep them in limited quantities and monitor their use as you would a prescription drug. Never use them to help your teen or yourself sleep. Children (regardless of their age) mimic adult behavior. Be a good role model and never abuse OTC products yourself.

Q: My child has prescribed medications she takes regularly. How do I ensure those pills are not abused?

A: Keep track of the number of pills that should be on hand. Keep track of refills, lost pills, and request for refills. Paying close attention to use will help prevent abuse.

Q: My son tells me his friends take pills that aren’t theirs and sometimes take them when they’re drinking alcohol. What is the resulting effect and what can I tell him to scare him away from experimenting?

A: No one, adults or teens, should take medication with alcohol. Teens who are taking medication that is not prescribed for them are probably also taking excessive doses. And mixing that medication with alcohol could prove deadly for teenagers. The effect of the medication could be intensified, causing the teen to stop breathing or have a seizure that could be fatal. If this practice is combined with driving, others could be injured as well. The combination of medication and alcohol could lead to poor judgment that could cause serious injuries or worse. Teenagers often feel invincible. The combination of drugs and alcohol may intensify this belief.

Q: What are some of the signs I can look for if I suspect my teen has been abusing prescription drugs?

A: It is easy for parents to miss prescription drug abuse because mood changes, temper outbursts, changes in sleeping habits and interests are typical teenage behaviors. You can smell alcohol and tobacco and marijuana — you can’t smell pills. Watch for changes in grooming, habits, and interests. Watch for negative changes in school work, school attendance, and declining grades. Watch for increased secrecy, changes in friends, and increased needs for money. Monitor your own prescription drugs and encourage friends and family to do the same.

Karen L. Reed, the American Pharmacists Association’s national spokesperson for American Pharmacists Month.