It took less than 2 seconds to obliterate six months of work, and courage, and effort.

Last January Drew moved from the west coast to the east coast; his parents felt that it would be easier for him if they made the move in the middle of the school year rather than begin a summer in a new town knowing nobody. So from January to June Drew had put up a brave front, trying to make friends, trying to be accepted in his new school, trying to break into the seventh grade cliques. And in 2 seconds everything changed when one of his classmates said three simple words to Drew on the last day of school…

“I hate you.”

What would possess a kid to do something so heartless and cruel? It was days later when Drew told me his story, and the pain in his eyes was still intense and sharp, as it was in his mother’s eyes.

Of course it happened because Drew is cool. He is kind; he is funny; he is handsome…so the other boy is probably jealous, and threatened.

But telling that to Drew doesn’t take away his pain.

Do Drew a favor. If there is a new child in your community or in your child’s school, reach out to that new child this summer and make him/her feel welcome. Teach your middle schoolers about feelings, and consideration.

There is no way to justify that kind of cruelty.

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The students on the 11-person panel seemed rather “normal” in most ways for this high-achieving school. These kids were on athletic teams, some were in honors courses, active in community service, in the band… they looked like a typical panel of high school students, except they were here to talk about the Youth Risk Behavior Study and what really happens in high school.

I raised my hand and asked “What’s the profile of a substance user (or abuser) here at this school?” They looked around at one another and one of them said “They pretty much look like us.”

In other words, “users” are well disguised because they live in the midst of, and by outward appearance are indistinguishable from, other teenagers.

That got me thinking. So I asked my daughter, eighteen years old at the time, about the profile of a “user.” She immediately said “Popularity.” Wow: her perception is popularity increases one’s chances of using illegal substances.

New data from The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA) supports this perception with real facts…and if you’re parenting teens or working with them you need to know this.

CASA seeks to identify factors that impact teenage substance abuse, and their August 2007 study reveals some alarming data about the extent of drugs and alcohol in our middle and high schools. They refer to “drug infested” schools where “drug dealing and use, drug possession, and drug or alcohol intoxication are common features of school life.” They compare “drug-infested” and “drug-free” schools in many areas, and in the behavior of “popular” students the differences are quite dramatic. Note:

When you look at the “most popular” teens who attend “drug-infested” schools, the usage rates sky-rocket. Compared to popular teens at drug-free schools, those who attend drug-infested schools and consider themselves to be popular are:

and on it goes. You get the picture….

So, as you contemplate your teenager’s social life, be careful what you wish for. Many an experienced parent will tell you of situations where their kids prefered to stay at home and miss some of the big parties because they simply didn’t want to be put in situations over which they had no control.

Don’t be the parent blindly pushing your kid out the door to make friends or be the popular one. While tuned-in parents can support and help a teen whose social life needs some invigoration, it’s best to listen a lot to what your teen is saying, and don’t push too hard.

The facts shown in the CASA study should make you take pause. “Popularity” can come with some difficult pressures for kids to handle.

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The facts are in: Kids who bully in middle school are five times more likely to have a criminal record by the time they are 25 years old.

Bullying does matter, and that statistic should help explain why. Bullying is behavior that deserves attention and intervention, and parents must understand that their behavior makes a difference.

What is bullying today? And why is everyone talking about it as though it’s new? Hasn’t it been going on for centuries? These are questions that many parents are asking, and Stan Davis, an expert on the topic, was willing to provide valuable input.

First, the definition: Bullying is a quest for power and status in a social environment. To put it another way, bullying takes place when those with a higher degree of power use that power to solidify it.

Bullying has taken place throughout history, and examples abound: racism, sexual discrimination, prohibiting women from the right to vote…in every time period in the history of man there are people with power who solidify it by holding others back. And, just as in the examples of racism and discrimination, it has taken changes in laws to disallow this behavior.

Unfortunately, bullying behavior is too commonly seen. We see it on the playground, but we also see it in adult interactions. We see it exhibited on reality TV. Parents and teachers find the messages are difficult to combat when we see bullies portrayed as funny, or we see people use social power over others to win.

The powerful don’t give up their power willingly; society must decide the values it will promote, and society makes and defends laws accordingly. We’ve seen fundamental changes in values in our lifetime as we’ve become a more diverse and tolerant culture. These examples help us put the topic of bullying in a larger, and more meaningful, context.  Today we are aware of the consequences of allowing this dangerous behavior, and our culture no longer wants to tolerate bullying. 

Although the horrific school shootings in recent years have been the catalyst for the anti-bullying movement, there are many important reasons to support this change of heart, and the reasons are visible in every school yard. 10% of kids will behave as bullies, and 10% of kids will be the target of bullies. The toll bullying takes on the targets is akin to the toll suffered by victims of domestic violence… it can last a lifetime.

“Coaching the targets of bullying is not the answer,” says Stan Davis. “We have to change the system, rather than the target.” You see, a victim doesn’t have the power to stop the bully, so our only recourse is to change the system around it. This makes sense, when you consider our earlier examples such as racism and gender discrimination. In order to change the system, adults must play a key role. To make changes, playground behaviors previously tolerated are no longer allowed. This requires adults to clearly articulate expectations, and adults need to be consistent when applying consequences when transgressions do occur.

Davis says targets need protection and supervision; coaching or advice won’t help. We shouldn’t ask targets if they want to “press charges;” the adults must develop the system in such a way that consequences are applied automatically. Teaching victims how to defend themselves is not addressing the causal behavior; it’s the bullying behavior that must be addressed and forbidden.

Parents’ behavior plays an important role in preventing bullying. Parents don’t have to model bullying for their kids to be bullies; so the connection between parental behavior and bullying may not be obvious at first. Parents who are loving, and who spend positive time with their kids, help them develop into balanced individuals who are less likely to exhibit problem behavior. Kids who develop their sense of responsibility, and empathy, grow in healthy ways. They do this when they have lasting, positive relationships with adults.

Additionally, parents need to know that it is in homes where discipline is inconsistent that kids are more likely to learn to use power through bullying. Davis cites Dr. Dan Olweus’ research, which states that the two most important ways parents can help their children develop well – and not develop bullying behavior - is to spend time with them, and to apply discipline and limits consistently and fairly.

The media often portrays bullies in television, in reality shows, or in dramas where the bully wins the power. As is always the case, parents’ voices should be there to counteract the messages kids receive from such potentially powerful media.

Bullying today may or may not be different than it was when today’s adults were growing up, but certainly our culture has changed. We now can document the serious long term consequences of this behavior, and will no longer tolerate it. But it will take vigilance from all of us to make these cultural changes last over time.

Eleanor Roosevelt offers context for us all: “Where, after all, do universal human rights begin? In small places, close to home - so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any maps of the world. Yet they are the world of the individual person; the neighborhood he lives in; the school or college she attends; the factory, farm, or office where he works. Such are the places where every man, woman, and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination. Unless these rights have meaning there, they have little meaning anywhere. Without concerted citizen action to uphold them close to home, we shall look in vain for progress in the larger world.”

You can visit Stan Davis’ website at www.StopBullyingNow.com

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