Round-ups of best web sites are really helpful as we sort through the overwhelm on the web. Here’s a particularly helpful post from a nursing site on the 100 Best Blogs for Healthy Parents. (Yes, we made it on their list. :>) It is divided into groupings such as

• From Health Professionals
• Nutrition and Healthy Living
• Parenting Advice
• Specifically about Daughters or Sons
• Teenage Years
• Food allergies
• Childhood illness Support and Information

Do you ever wonder how your teenager makes decisions? Sometimes a teen’s baffling behavior is a result of a decision making process that makes perfect sense to him…but leaves parents wondering.  Actually, good decision-making is a learned skill, and it’s one that parents can play a key role in teaching.

First, let’s examine why teens sometimes make poor decisions. There are several very legitimate reasons, some of which are developmental.

• Brain development: The part of the teen brain that is not yet fully developed is responsible for long-range thinking, seeing consequences for actions and the big picture.   If your teen doesn’t seem to grasp the long view or see consequences for the choices she makes, she’s not lost forever, she’s just in that stage, developmentally, where these capacities are not yet reliable.
• Social pressure: Teens value friends above all else. They care deeply about how their actions and are judged and evaluated by their peers.  It isn’t as simple as what we think of as typical “peer pressure,” the influence of a teen’s social world on his/her decision making can be much more subtle and more pervasive.
• Lack of experience: Adults’ decisions are based upon many things, not the least of which is experience. This point is simple: teens lack the experience that will help inform good decisions.   And they don’t know what they don’t know.
• Emotions: Teenagers feel their emotions at twice the intensity of adults. This emotional landscape can impact the level headedness required for good decisions.

How can a parent coach your teen to make good decisions? Think about how you make the important decisions in your life. You probably use a process*, whether you are conscious of it or not. This process, and the process that can help your teen probably includes some or all of the steps below:

• Recognize that a decision needs to be made.
• Understand the ideal goal of the decision.
• Develop a list of options.
• Identify the positive and negative consequences of the choices.
• Examine the desirability of each option
• Evaluate the probability for each option.

Teach your teenager to examine, consider and evaluate these steps when making important decisions.  Show him how you have used this process in a big decision, so it becomes a concrete process, not just a theoretical one.  By teaching them to apply a process to their decision-making they will be more equipped to mitigate the influences that can throw them off base from the start.

[10/15/09 addendum: I had already posted this piece several days ago, and yesterday when I was speaking to a group of middle school parents, a mom brought up a great question....so I'm adding the following point...]

Get concrete, then step back. One of the challenges parents face with teens is, while they can be flakey, they need to have the opportunity to make decisions. Sometimes they will do a great job, and sometimes they will create problems with their poor decisions. They need the opportunity to learn from each. One mom asked about the challenge she faces with her son as he organizes his social life. You know the scene here… your young teenager coordinates with friends – and we know how often those plans change! – and then simply expects his mom to be available to take him where he needs to go. While she tries to help out, there are times his last minute scheduling creates real challenges for her. She asked how she can teach him good decision making skills that also take her needs and schedule into account. Great question.  There are several things parents can keep in mind here: guidelines, consequences for actions, and speaking about your needs when everyone is in the right mood.

I suggested to her that she have a conversation with her son when the time felt right –  not when he is in the midst of making plans with his friends – and explain that she has her own schedule and needs and won’t always be available to accommodate him. Presented in the right way he’ll get this. Then, she can create some guidelines that might include a few key questions that he needs to cover every time he is making plans with his friends. These questions might include: “How am I going to get where I want to go?”  ”Have I asked permission?”  ”Have I given my parents plenty of advance notice?”  ”Do I have a ride both ways?” etc. I suggested she discuss these questions with her son and leave them on the family bulletin board.  This way it becomes his responsibility to answer them and have his ducks in a row well before the event. He’ll learn about planning ahead, he’ll have a framework for expectations, and some guidelines on what he needs to do.  The consequences may come into play when last minute plans cannot be accommodated by mom.

It’s a process teaching kids to make good decisions, and a parent’s approach is most effective when it empowers them and allows them to practice and learn.

*As an aside, cognitive researchers are discovering that even in adults reasoning often isn’t organized or logical but may be automatic and unconscious.   So, as you are coaching your teen, it may be helpful to revisit the steps above to remind you of your best approach.

Self help and inspirational literature seems to be the hot thing these days, and there surely is a lot to choose from!  Sometimes the right book can  provide much needed inspiration, guidance and hope.  If you are feeling as though you are having trouble getting through to your teenager, consider bringing in some outside voices. Your teen may be more open to hearing some of these messages from others, and the real-life stories about other teens can drive the points home in a big way.

There are many inspirational books for teenagers, some written by their peers and some written by the industry leaders. Here are a few good ones:

The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make for teens: Of course you know the famous father, Stephen Covey of 7 Habits fame, his son Sean has written The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make for teens.   The six big areas Covey focuses on involve getting a good education, choosing true friends, getting along with parents, dating and sex, avoiding addictions and establishing a sense of self-worth. The book is designed so that you don’t have to read it straight through; it is comfortable in its approach for teens and it includes graphics, cartoons, movie quotes as well as facts that should help even the most skeptical kid take heed.

What Color is Your Parachute for Teens; Discovering Yourself, Defining your Future... The classic by Richard Bolles has been recreated by Bolles  and career strategist Carol Christen.  The book is designed to guide teens to zero in on their favorite skills and apply that knowledge so they get the most out of school, set goals, and find their dream jobs. The book is filled with interactive exercises, worksheets, and profiles of young adults who have found their unique paths in life. If you are like me, there is comfort in coming back to new versions of reliable classics from experts we have relied upon for years.

The Success Prinicples for Teens: You know Jack Canfield of  “Chicken Soup” fame; more recently he published “The Success Principles” which some consider a classic in this genre.  He invited Kent Healy to apply the “success principles” for teenagers. This book includes 23 of the most important success strategies used by thousands of exceptional young people throughout history.  This book provides courage and heart and can be a boost to a teen who needs it to forge ahead.
Here’s  more info.

Kent Healy is an interesting story on his own.  Kent has been an entrepeneur since the age of 17, and his journey toward personal fulfillment and transformation had him at 22 teaching a high school class called The Science of Success. He is an inspirational speaker, author and columnist, young enough to have a voice that resonates with young people today.

What books can you recommend that have resonated with your teen?  Please share in the comments section.

Talking to your teens about sex is one of those things parents often dread; not all parents, just most of you. And yet, teaching your kids about sex is one of the most important jobs you have to do.

Sex is front and center every time you turn on the tube, go to the movies or see the magazines at the grocery check out. And sex is front and center in the brains of teenagers every day. But there is a time and place when these thoughts and feelings can be expressed, and there are other times when they need to be suppressed.  Adults know the parameters; kids need your coaching.

Dr Sharon Maxwell has a very helpful approach on this important subject.  Dr Maxwell is a psychologist and author of an excellent book on the subject: The Talk; A Breakthrough Guide to Raising Healthy Kids in an Oversexualized, Online, In-Your-Face World. She suggests that parents begin by framing the conversation about sex by discussing “desire” and “energy.”

Dr. Maxwell asks us to consider the power of “desire” and how many desires drive our behavior…desire for food, for pleasure, for safety, etc. She notes “Some desires, like the desire for food, we are born with; others, like sexual desire, only happen when our bodies are ready to reproduce. Learning to control our desires is a concept even young children can understand.  And we learn to control the energy around our desires and drives as we mature.

This is where her approach feels particularly creative and helpful.  Dr Maxwell says: “When we talk about desire as a form of energy, we open the door to a rich conversation about how this energy is activated, how it can be manipulated, and how we, as human beings, develop the muscle to control this energy. By giving our kids a way of understanding their relationship to all desires, we take sexual desire out of the domain of music videos, defuse the titillation, and show our kids that sex is just another, very important form of energy that we are responsible for learning how to control and direct.” (The Talk, pp 45 – 46)

So, consider how do any of us use, understand and communicate our sexual energy? How might a teen find appropriate ways to use, understand or communicate his/her sexual energy? Learning to control and direct sexual desire is like learning how to control and direct other kinds of desire…it requires developing the right muscles, self-discipline and being conscious of living your values.  Does this approach make talking about this topic feel easier to you?

Looking at sexual desire as “energy” also opens the door for discussions about the appropriate time and place for that energy to be expressed. Is  math class the best place for sexual energy to be expressed? Even your teen is likely to agree on that one.

Dr Maxwell has an excellent handout titled “Talking to Kids About Sex, Desire and the Power of  Sexy” from which I will provide a few excerpts.  I highly recommend her materials and am confident you will find her approach reassuring, comfortable and sensible.

1. Sexuality is a great and powerful source of energy. .. But with great power comes great responsibility and learning how to be a responsible adult means learning how to control and direct your sexual energy.

2. When your body first starts to become sexually mature the energy of your sexual feelings can be overwhelming. In the same way that you need to learn how to control the power of a car, you have to learn how to control the power of your sexual feelings.

3. Learning to control and direct the power of sexual desire takes the same kind of muscle as controlling angry feelings or hungry feelings, the power of self-discipline.

4. Sexual desire, and its complement, the ability to elicit sexual desire in others, are powerful forces. Like all desires, sexual desire can be manipulated by what you see, hear, feel and smell.

5. Advertisers manipulate people’s sexual feelings to get them to buy things. Teens are sold the idea that looking and acting sexy is a way to get power. Advertisers know that teens are insecure about their sexuality and that they can use that insecurity to sell products.

These are excellent conversation openers that frame this conversation in a way that is helpful, accurate, non-threatening and respectful.

Has your teen gone off to college this fall? How are you feeling about this change? This event can generate a wide range of feelings and, frankly many parents struggle a bit. Let’s put a spotlight on this transition and consider your actions and feelings.

Feel your feelings: What’s most important first is to validate your feelings…whatever they are.  Because whatever you are feeling about this is okay. After your college student leaves some parents feel relieved after a summer filled with probably too-much-tension. Some may feel like celebrating; that’s okay too! Some of you are feeling lonely and sad, missing your child, painfully aware of the fact that this is one major step toward him really leaving home. And others are simply worried about your teen’s adjustment which may not be going smoothly. All of these feelings – and others – are legitimate and acceptable. Have at it.… feel those feelings… even if it hurts.

Transitions require time: Life’s transitions offer us opportunities for growth. They push us out of our comfort zone and force us to find a new way of being. This process isn’t always fun, but it usually brings us to a better place. Parents whose kids have just left for college are going through one of the biggest transitions of all. So give yourself a break if your emotions are feeling raw, or inconsistent, or intense.

William Bridges is a recognized expert in transitions and has written numerous books about the subject. I’ve been a fan of his work for years and have been certified by his organization in “managing the human side of change.” Parents of teenagers, and teens themselves, deal with practically un-ending change, so this topic is highly relevant. Bridges’ work on transition emphasizes the fact that change is an event and transition is a process that takes place over time. In this case the event happened the day your teen left for college, but your transition began before high school graduation and may continue yet for a while. It is helpful to understand that transitions happen on their own time frame.

Central to Bridges’ work is what he calls the neutral zone. The neutral zone is the time period after one event/situation has ended and before the next has settled in. You are in the neutral zone when you have let go of the last trapeze, but you haven’t yet caught the next one; it’s Linus with his blanket in the dryer; and it’s you while you are getting adjusted to a new family situation. Adapting to your teen being away can be a neutral zone experience as you try to adjust to a new normal.

The neutral zone can be an uncomfortable place to be. Here, things feel unfamiliar; life is different and you feel as though you have lost your points of reference. It may be a painful, terrifying even,  place to be. And yet it is rich with opportunity for personal growth.

A neutral zone experience opens up new possibilities. It can initiate creativity and innovation. It is a catalyst – forcing you to find new relationships and new answers. The neutral zone must be fully experienced, however, to reap these rewards.  You can’t hurry through it or short-circuit the process.

Go slowly during this transition; be present to your feelings even if they are uncomfortable. Consider the best outcomes possible from this new family dynamic. Give it time for things to settle. Be creative and hopeful … and a new way of being will emerge.  (Read additional suggestions in 2 Minute Tip for Parenting Teens “Give Things Time to Settle During Times of Transition.”):

Help your teen gain independence: Each child who goes away to college experiences their own transition differently, and most experience rather dramatic ups and downs. The best way you can support your teen is to facilitate his transition into his new life, and this probably means helping him be independent.

Dr Michael Jellineck is a Boston area adolescent psychiatrist who notes that teens and their parents manage their feelings very differently. On some level, this change may feel like a loss to both you and your teen. Jellineck says teenagers tend to express a sense of bravado to cover up for feelings of loss, while parents tend to hold on as long as possible. This tells us how easy it can be to misinterpret what your teenager is saying… she may be more tender than she is demonstrating. What’s important to remember is regardless of how much you want to be needed, your most helpful actions should be toward boosting her/his capabilities and confidence.

How you do this will vary with each child. This generation of college students has been accused of being too connected to their parents at home, often calling on their cell phones in-between each class. One needs to ask the question: When is your teen too connected? I can think of one young woman who was terribly homesick when she first went away to school. She needed her parents’ regular support and connection; to have deprived her of that would have been cruel. But other teens may remain tightly connected out of fear, or laziness, or not knowing how to integrate in at school. In these cases you may want to gently coach your college student to call home less, not more. It’s important for their focus to be on their college connections and experiences. And even if this feels unsatisfying to you it’s more important to focus on what is best for them.  Remember….independence is the goal.

Send your love: Preparing a care package can be a satisfying way to expend your energy. Whether it’s home baked goods, a special funny photo album of the precious pet he left behind, a poem from each family member, or a bulletin board with some family photos, send along something special from home. Even the most confident sounding student wants to know he is missed and needs the soft reminders from home. And expending your energy in this way can help you feel better.

My daughter’s whole group of friends from high school was very tight and the parents enjoyed one another as well. When the group of girls spread out at various colleges as freshmen, the moms had fun sending care packages to all the girls.  One mom sent stationery, another sent Halloween decorations for their rooms, another sent kites; the moms even got together before Christmas and had a cookie bake, sending a special package of cookies to each girl.

Prepare for the “Dump Call”: For most of us, there comes a time when you receive a phone call from an upset and unhappy college kid. There is drama and tears and frankly, it is torture for a distant parent. Your teen tells you she hates school, she hates her roommate, she misses home and everything is going badly. But here’s the thing to remember: in many cases, after your college student has dumped her load of misery on you, she’ll get a good night sleep and the next day yawns bright and full of possibility. She’ll make a new friend, get invited to a party, get busy with schoolwork and completely forget that she left you in a pile of worry and misery.

So parents, be prepared for this. The best advice for the “dump call” is to expect it, recognize it when it comes, and retain some detachment. You will need that perspective to be able to determine your best response. You will have to remain objective to judge how real and serious the problems are, or if this is a passing situation. Some situations will be helped by your intervention, but in most cases your strategy should be around coaching your college student to discover her own best answers.

This is a tender time for you as your family-left-at-home reorganizes and adjusts to this big change. Your dinner table conversation may feel a little flat as you feel the ache in your heart missing your eldest. Take a deep breath and center yourself. You have entered a new phase of your family’s life, and you’ll all figure it out. And all is as it is supposed to be.

This is a guest post by Jan Stewart and Karen Scibinico.

With the school year just beginning, how confident are you that your teen has the organizational skills necessary to manage his/her workload and belongings successfully?
Is your teen :
• Able to find things when needed?
• Get school assignments completed ahead of time?
• Tote the necessary things to school so you don’t receive calls requesting a drop off of forgotten items?

If you answered yes, to these questions, congratulations! Your teen is positioned for success. However, most teens need a little encouragement to start practicing habits that will help them better manage life’s day- to -day tasks now and in the future.

The best way that a parent can help is to model desired behavior. If you want your child to be on time, make sure you are on time, especially for activities that involve your teen. If you want your teen to have an orderly room, make sure that you create order in the rest of the home. If you want your teen to plan schoolwork assignments to avoid a last minute crunch, make sure you do the same. How many of us are scurrying around in April to get our tax returns complete before the April 15th deadline?

Find a calm moment to talk with your teen about getting more organized. Remember to have realistic expectations. While you may be a “neatnik” or the consummate organizer and planner, your teen may not feel comfortable trying to emulate your style and may not need to become a perfectionist in order to be more productive. Help your teen develop an organizational process that matches his/her personality and style. Begin with small steps.

The beginning of the school year is a great time to start the process. Work together with your teen to sort through your teen’s belongings and make sure that needed items are in good shape. Discard outgrown, worn out or duplicate articles and clothing. Create spaces for your teen’s belongings. Make or purchase containers and put like items together. It’s a lot easier to put things away when they have a designated home. Otherwise, closets, space under beds and drawers can become a scary mix of unrelated unknowns.

Does your teen have all the recommended school supplies? One of the most valuable tools is an assignment notebook. In addition to homework, your teen can make notations about things to remember or items needed. Create a location where all school-related supplies are kept. Every night, make sure that backpacks and school work are ready to go for the morning. Have your teen check the assignment notebook to make sure he or she is ready for the next day.

Encourage your teen by noticing progress and giving a word of praise. Provide an occasional reward for a job well done. Once your teen has become more organized, confidence will grow, stress will be reduced, and productivity will increase. The time saved can be spent on other activities, including relaxing and having fun.

For more information on this topic, Julie Morgenstern and her daughter, Jessi Morgenstern-Colon, have written a great book “Organizing from the Inside Out for Teenagers: The Foolproof System for Organizing Your Room, Your Time, Your Life”.

Jan Stewart and Karen Scibinico are partners in a company called, Emerge – Opt to Succeed. They teach a seminar entitled “Increase Your Productivity, Improve Your Organizational Skills” and work with teens to help them discover ways to better manage their time. Consult their web site www.emergewithcoaching.com for more information.

It was late when Natalie’s cell phone rang, and it was a dreaded call. “Your daughter is on her way to the emergency room. She blacked out. We were afraid to leave her because she was so drunk.”

This mom called me last week to tell me about the incident… no, she didn’t want to tell me about the actual incident as much as she wanted to tell me how she handled it.  She was proud that she had handled this terrible incident with relative calm and with control,  keeping things in perspective even while in the midst of the crisis.  She wanted to report to me that they had “been through the fire”...and had survived.

How many other parents have faced crises with your teens this summer?  Have your teens misbehaved?  Gotten into trouble?   Did they let you (and themselves) down in some way?  Teens don’t all misbehave, but enough of them do that this is an important question:  How will you survive a crisis you may face?

Preparing for the unexpected can be difficult, but being prepared is key to your success in a crisis.

Natalie was prepared. She invests time to make sure she is a smart, tuned-in parent for her teenagers.  She reads,  she speaks with friends and peers,  she is involved in her kids’ schools, and she works hard to share their lives and understand their point of view.  In fact she so values the opportunity to share ideas with other parents she has been in (and even led) several Please Stop the Rollercoaster parent discussion groups.

So when she spent those awful hours at the hospital while her daughter was severely under the influence of alcohol, Natalie kept her cool.  And after the crisis had passed over the next couple of weeks they processed what happened that night.  She huddled with her daughter,  her daughter’s friends and the other parents.  This incident became a valuable teachable moment because Natalie didn’t over-react.   And she didn’t allow it to devastate her or ruin her summer.

Lessons learned.  Relationships intact. That’s about the best you can ask for, isn’t it?

So, here’s the question for you: Will you be prepared if you face a crisis with your teen?

Here is my Crisis Response Plan*

When a crisis occurs, this four-step process can help you stay on track and respond productively:

STEP ONE:  Breath deeply This slows things down so you can think logically and deliberately.

STEP TWO: Identify objectively what has happened Make sure your response is properly aligned with reality. This is probably not the end of the world,  and you  probably will survive this crisis.

STEP THREE:  Ask yourself  “What’s the best outcome we can have?” Identify the best that can happen now, and set your sights on that.

STEP FOUR: Ask “How can I help make this happen?” Put yourself in action to help make the best outcome a reality.

*Note: This crisis response plan is one of our “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen” available in our free, downloadable e-book.  Download it, share it, put it on your website… and send us a link so we can see how you are supporting parents too.

I’m on vacation until August 12, and am re-posting this article because it’s an old favorite – and true – story.

My 15 year old daughter was being dropped off as a guest at a friend’s pool/athletic club. I walked her to the front desk where she signed in, and she was asked to fill out a card with her contact information. At the bottom of the form there were two boxes, labeled “child” and “adult,” and she was expected to check off one of them. She looked at me and asked “What am I?”

That’s a great question from the mind of a 15-year old! They surely don’t feel like children, but few grown-ups would call them “adult.” They truly are neither. Mary Pipher in her classic “Reviving Ophelia” states this well. She says “Adolescents are travelers, far from home with no native land, neither children, nor adults…They don’t really fit in anywhere. There’s a yearning for place, a search for solid ground.”

We adults can gain so very much by trying to put ourselves in the shoes of our teenager. When you look at your teen’s world from inside of his/her shoes, what do you see? Do you see parents who understand her fears, vulnerabilities and sensitivities? Do you see close friends with whom he can share his feelings? Do you feel support and unconditional love? Is it expressed often? How about pressure…. Is home a safe haven away from pressure, or is it yet another source of stress from your teenager’s point of view? Ask yourself these questions and be honest in your answers. Then ask your teen and compare the answers.

Do this periodically; check-ins like this will help keep you right on track and let your teen know that home is where s/he’ll find the solid ground s/he can count on.