Parents of younger teens are sometimes wondering how to provide the safe online activities that will teach and entertain kids, while giving them reliable protection. NewMoonGirls.com is one such online community; specifically created for girls ages 8 – 12 this unique site offers ad-free, healthy and positive content and encourages tween girls to share their creativity through artwork, poetry, videos etc. Two of their major areas of focus are to build self- esteem in girls and to promote a healthy body image. Membership to this site and community can make a memorable, enjoyable and educational holiday gift.

To share their words: “New Moon Girls is an online community and print magazine where girls create and share poetry, artwork, videos, and more; chat together; and learn. All in a fully moderated, educational environment designed to build self-esteem and positive body image. Membership is just $29.95 for 12 months unlimited online access + 6 bimonthly issues of New Moon Girls print magazine.”

When you visit their website, you’ll know you’ve found a special place. Inviting, colorful and inspirational, they do a first-class job in appealing to your tween daughters, nieces and friends. Here’s just one small section from their home page; you can easily tell these good folks take what they do seriously.

www.NewMoon.com

Here’s a sample copy of their November/December magazine.

This is a terrific holiday gift idea for the tweens and young teen girls on your list. Don’t wait. www.NewMoon.com

Your 24 year old son just got a flat tire out on I495. What does your son do? He calls you.

Is this what you want him to do? A kid who is being raised by “helicopter parents” will probably call you first. For me, I’d like him to call AAA, get the tire fixed, and tell me about it later.

I know that “helicopter parenting” is not a scientific term with a clear definition, and yesterday’s story in the Boston Globe really muddied the issue. Under the front page headline “For some, helicopter parenting delivers benefits” they claim that some “helicopter parents” claim they enjoy an added closeness with their teens. The Globe article states “Stephanie Coontz, director of research at the Council on Contemporary Families, sees an unacknowledged dividend to helicopter parenting that is becoming more apparent: namely the enduring friendship often forged between the generations, in contrast to the “generation gap” of old.”

Let’s not get distracted and make this a semantic issue about an un-specifically-defined term. This is too important a discussion.

Helicopter parenting may come from a place of love. Parents hover because they care so darn much, and because they don’t want to see their kids in pain, or experience failure. But just because it comes from a good place doesn’t mean that it is good for kids. If we raise kids who are unable to solve their own problems, who need advice from mom and dad at every turn, who don’t know enough to get their own flat tire fixed, have we really done a good job as parents? I think not. This isn’t about our level of “friendship,” but rather our kids’ level of competence.

Do college kids need to speak with their parents every single day? What is the “right” level of connection? That is an individual choice, a dynamic for which there are no set rules. Temperament, circumstances and more will play into this, and of course supportive parents need to be involved with their teens and college students. What is wrong is if a college student is unable to make decisions and choices without constant parental input. Parents who are needed to this degree have hamstrung their kids. This is where parents really need to look in the mirror…because what is often driving these parents is selfishness… parents needing to be needed.

I have two kids in college myself. My husband and I sometimes wonder if we are “helicoptering” or providing an appropriate amount of space and independence. It’s a balancing act that I’m sure we don’t always get right. But, truly it doesn’t have much to do with our “friendship” or the quality of our relationships with our kids.

Learning how not to be a helicopter parent is a skill this generation of parents needs to pay attention to. From the beginning we’ve scripted our kids’ every move from their youth soccer games, to play dates, and more. Don’t get confused by making this a discussion about semantics….rather, stay focused on helping your teenagers develop the confidence and competence to not need your input at all. Then you can really enjoy your relationship.

Are You Becoming Obsolete?

Last month I was speaking to a group of about 40 women in Ohio – really bright, committed, caring, smart parents of teenagers. They were an impressive group. And I asked them “How many of you are on Facebook?” Seven women raised their hands. Seven out of 40. I think that is a really low number.

At my book group meeting last night, consisting of 7 very sharp women, Facebook came up again. Most of these gals stated they don’t have the interest or the time to get “sucked in” to Facebook. And they don’t see the value; they wonder what the fuss is all about.

I understand. I get it that this can be a time drain, and nobody has an excess of time. But, step back for a minute and consider the fundamental ways that the internet is changing our communication. It’s okay if you are not on Facebook, but it is important that you stay relatively current with your use of new technologies. Because if you don’t, you are allowing a dangerous media gap to exist between you and your teens. You can’t guide them well if you don’t know how to do what they are doing on the web.

It is probable that you are participating in new technologies more than you know. In Groundswell; Winning in a World Transformed by Social Technologies, Forrester Research experts Li and Bernoff say that in 2008 social technology adoption increased from 56% in 2007 to 75%. What exactly are they referring to as “social technologies?”

Watching online video,
reading online reviews,
voting and commenting,
participating in online forums or discussion groups,
sharing photos online,
reading and commenting on blogs…
and visiting and participating in social networking sites.

It may be helpful to consider Facebook* as being just another simple step on a continuum of two-way communication online. You should know there are social networks for Weight watchers, firefighters, Ellen DeGeneres fans, veterans and much more. One easy place to poke around is at www.ning.com where there are many social networking sites through which you can peruse.

Accept this challenge: make a commitment to spend time getting familiar with a new technology application or tool this week. And then keep at it – don’t allow yourself to become obsolete.

*An enterprising lecturer at Stamford is running a hands-on class for parents. If you don’t live near there you may be interested in his blog or newsletter.
http://facebookforparents.org/

Dan Kindlon, Harvard Professor, published “Too Much of A Good Thing” in 2001; a research-based book subtitled “Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age.” He points out that today’s parents are often “overprotective and over-identified” with their kids. His data connects parents’ over indulgence with increased levels of depression, boredom, anxiety, alcohol and drug use in their kids. Many of my readers of this blog live in communities similar to the ones described in Kindlon’s research….middle class, affluent, educated. Certainly his warnings resonate with middle class parents who are sensitive to what we now call “helicopter parenting.” Many such parents can take some lessons on stepping back in order to help their kids develop.

These very same communities are often where you hear parents and kids complaining loudly about STRESS. The competition is intense for everything from AP courses to making the soccer team. Kids and parents alike wonder where it will stop, and how to keep kids from engaging in unhealthy or dangerous behavior in order to survive the pressure.

I heard Kindlon speak a few weeks ago, and his data and anecdotes are compelling. While encouraging parents to be less indulgent and hold kids more accountable, he seems to empathize with the “kids are way-too stressed” camp. He makes a strong case, and one that I can understand… the demands are high. The competition takes its toll. “Stress” tops the list of most teens’ complaints. Kindlon points out that even at the elementary level homework has increased 50% in the last two decades. I hear from some friends with kids in private schools that some of them are demanding less homework in an effort to provide some balance and freedom of choice for their students. We hear the cries “Kids are growing up too fast! They need time to just be kids!”

But something doesn’t jive.

The morning after I heard Kindlon speak I had breakfast with a friend and colleague who works with many college presidents across the country. He took issue with Kindlon’s stance. He said “Every college I deal with complains that their incoming students are unprepared. They say incoming freshman don’t know what stress is and they don’t know how to cope! They don’t know what it is to work hard, and they haven’t learned their basic lessons or developed the level of skill we should be seeing.”

Which point of view is right?

The April 16 Boston Globe says in a headline “Many Mass. graduates unprepared in college. Thousands need remedial classes, are drop-out risks.” While the data noted in the Globe piece points out that the most acute problems occur with students in urban districts and vocational schools, they also point out that this problem “crossed socioeconomic lines.”

Whether your teenager is in an under-performing district or one with 99% of graduates going to college, parents need to consider both sides of this argument. While we don’t want to either overindulge our teens or see them suffer from too much stress, we certainly want to hold them to high standards and make sure they are fluent and prepared in essential basics and skills. It’s a bit scary to consider that so many of them are deemed unprepared for college.

Consider both sides of this argument as you guide your teenager.

Maybe the answer will come from combining the two points of view…Over-indulging our kids has many serious consequences, AND kids needs to develop skills to deal with stress while they keep their noses to the grindstone and learn their lessons well.

Let’s face it – a transition to middle or high school can be intimidating for parents, too. Kids aren’t the only ones stressing during these big transitions. One thing that many parents struggle with is trying to find the right amount of involvement as your teenager grows.

Finding the best ways to support your teenager in secondary school can be confusing for parents for many reasons: 1.) parents sometimes think they hear other parents saying they shouldn’t be involved at the higher level schools; 2.) parents know they must give their teenager more ownership for their own success while they practice responsibility and time management, and 3.) teens will sometimes push back on parents, wishing them to be less visible in secondary school. So, what’s the right degree of involvment? What does parent involvement look like in middle and high school?

Parent involvement is essential in secondary schools…yet it DOES look DIFFERENT than it does in elementary school. Let’s begin by reviewing WHY it’s important:

Despite the impression you may receive from your teenager, recent research shows that teens want their parents involved, and they feel that parent involvement in high school is even more important than in elementary school.

You can learn new skills through your involvement in school.

What’s the right level of involvement? Much of this will depend on you and your teenager; it would be wrong to say there is a right way and a wrong way. Here are a few guidelines:

• Read all the paperwork that comes home from your teen’s school. Have a sense of what is going on there; keep all phone numbers, calendars, bus info, and contact information handy.
• Be sure to attend the school open house usually offered in the fall. It is important to meet your child’s teachers, and this venue provides the best way to do so in most cases.
• If your child has particular issues, it is appropriate to discuss these with your teenager’s guidance counselor and/or teachers. Work with the school to address issues; they can guide you about working within their system.
• Viewing your teenager’s assignment notebook regularly can be an excellent way to stay informed about school assignments without being over-bearing.
• If your child is participating in school sports or other activities, be sure to attend the games. This provides you with the opportunity to meet other parents and some of your teen’s new friends.

If your teenager doesn’t want you to be highly visible in school activities it’s important to find other ways to be involved.
Here are some approaches you can consider:

• What do you do well? If you are comfortable writing, offer to write a piece for the school website or newsletter.
• Contact the PTO and offer your services to help them. If you like to cook, offer to prepare a dish for an upcoming event. If you’re a whiz with the computer, they’ll find you a job. Be creative with them in finding an appropriate answer that fits your schedule.
• The PTO often has a person who is assigned to gather volunteer names, information about their interests, and serve as a liaison. Touch base with this person; get your name on some lists.
• If you are more comfortable with collating or copying papers or doing office work, school staff may soon be fighting over you! Let them know your availability.
• If working at home or at night fits your schedule best, let the volunteer organizers know this. They can direct you to appropriate opportunities and will be grateful for your help.
  

At a minimum, go to all the school events that you can. Get your name on the mailing lists for all announcements. When they need help, be there. And be involved. You need to pick up the phone and make it happen; don’t wait for them to call you.

Parent involvement: it’s still your responsibility even when your teenagers enter secondary school, and it makes a difference in your teen’s success.

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For those of you working with the middle or high school age group, one issue you often face is how to involve their parents more. For a variety of reasons parents appear to have less involvement when their kids are in secondary school. This issue has been the topic of discussion in many previous articles,(see parent involvement category) and one essential element that enhances parent involvement is creating a welcoming attitude and atmosphere.

I was delighted earlier this month when I spoke at CAJE (an annual conference by the Coalition for the Advancement of Jewish Education) and met Dr. Ron Wolfson. He has authored a book all about this titled… The Spirituality of Welcoming…How to Transform your Congregation into a Sacred Community. Although the book is focused on Jewish synagogues, his observations and recommendations are relevant to anyone who is concerned about creating a “welcoming” atmosphere; and it’s exciting to learn from someone who has thoroughly studied this element of our institutions.

It reminded me of a concept that I promote when I’m speaking to educators. I encourage people to “think big and think small.” By “Think Big” I mean to encourage you to develop system-wide approaches to enhance the welcoming attitude at your school, church, synagogue etc. For example:

By “think small” I encourage you to be thoughtful about your own behavior:

Want to explore this topic more? Let me hear your thoughts.

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The relationship between parents and their teenager’s school counselor can be a microcosm of the parent’s relationship with the school as a whole. For some parents, the counselor is a person with whom they develop an important relationship, while other parents never even meet their teen’s school counselor. We’ll examine what this relationship will look like when it is most advantageous for your teenager.

Dr. Joachim Pengel instructs school counselors at the University of Hartford in Connecticut. He also runs a private practice in family counseling, so he works with both counselors and parents. I recently spoke to Dr. Pengel about the relationship between parents and school counselors to explore how the two groups can work together to support the development of teenagers.

Sue Blaney: What does appropriate parent involvement look like at the middle school and high school levels?

Dr Pengel: Parents should collaborate with the school to support and strengthen the basic skills of the students. This is particularly important as kids transition from middle school into high school, because this is often when kids are put onto a particular track depending on post-high school plans. Obviously, this involves some very important decisions, and parents must collaborate with the school in this process, otherwise the school will make a de facto decision.

Parents need to model and teach their family values, so parent input about the appropriate track for their teen is important.  And, parents must help their teens understand the importance of their education. I like to say that “learning is earning.” Learning is directly connected to the career and income opportunities each teen will have. So, you see, decisions made at the transition time from 8^th to 9^th grade are really important. Honestly, I’m not sure that parents or school boards really understand the critical nature of this transition.

Sue Blaney: What prevents parents from finding the appropriate level of involvement?

Dr. Pengel: We can view parent involvement along a continuum, with parents high in involvement at one end, and parents low in involvement at the other. Unfortunately, I see a strong correlation with the high involvement parents coming from a higher socio-economic environment than those at the low end. But extremes at both ends are problematic.

At the low end, poorer parents are less likely to “get” the important connection between learning and earning. They are less likely, then, to share this value with their kids. They are also less likely to feel empowered enough to stand their ground with the college educated people who are interacting with their child at school. And yet, they still must play a critical role in sharing and teaching their values, and in ensuring their child’s best interests are met. Parents must learn to join in a coalition with the teachers and school support personnel to help their kids learn that personal discipline is essential to learning, and to teens’ ultimate success.

Schools need to reach out to disenfranchised parents. School personnel should create incentives to get parents into the schools so they can participate in this coalition. When parents don’t participate, it limits the school’s flexibility and hurts the kids. And if parents are unsure that their input is valuable, schools need to work with them on this. Parents need a degree of confidence and self-efficacy themselves. I tell counselors to meet parents where they are.

At the other end of the spectrum, I see well-off parents micro-managing their kids, which is just another variation on dis-functionality. Schools are trying to help kids learn discipline and responsibility, and to link learning to self-efficacy. Parents who undermine this by micromanaging their kids are not only undermining their kids’ development, they are setting up an adversarial role with the school. These parents can be extremely difficult to reason with. And some parents think that as long as Johnny goes to Harvard the problem is solved. That just isn’t the way it works.

Clearly, the best way for parents is to be in the middle ground between the two extremes.

Sue Blaney: What do parents need to be able to better support their teens?

Dr. Pengel: Too often parents are missing a reasonable understanding of the developmental process that their kids are experiencing. One way this is evident is that parents sometimes don’t encourage the type of self-exploration that kids need to experience as a part of growing and maturing. You see, adolescence is extended today in our culture and this has consequences that parents are often not aware of. Parents ought to be encouraging their kids to do more self- exploration, and actually this exploration would help kids take more responsibility for their choices.

Sue Blaney: What’s the worst mistake a parent can make?

Dr. Pengel: For me, the worst thing a parent can do is to convey to the child that the parent is going to make all the decisions. Parents who disregard their teen’s will and desire undermine their child’s sense of competence. That is counter to all that they should be trying to achieve;  it’s definitely counter to what the school is trying to achieve.

Sue Blaney: What are the best ways parents can support their teens in school?

Dr. Pengel: By being educated about how the schools are actively trying to assist their child. Kids need to develop in three areas: they need to develop emotional intelligence, combine it with academic achievement, and career direction…all three elements are an essential part of the whole.

Schools must take the leadership role in building trust with the parents. It is ideal when parents are emotionally secure so they get on board with the process in an objective and constructive manner. If schools don’t build the trust, and if the schools aren’t doing a good job of communicating with parents, it’s the kids who suffer.

Sue Blaney: What role can school counselors play in helping parents do their job well?

Dr. Pengel: School counselors have the daunting task of educating both children and their parents. Counselors and school personnel need to help parents understand the efforts they are making to help kids discover who they are by helping them merge skills, interests and values.

It’s really an essential partnership between parents and schools, and all parties have to invest time and energy in it to benefit the kids.

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Rick Wormeli is a teacher/author, specializing in middle school. His book is titled Day One and Beyond; Practical Matters for New Middle-Level Teachers, and his comments about middle school kids in a recent interview at EducationWorld.com are really interesting. He notes that middle school kids are “humanity in raw form as students are taking on the larger world and creating their own identity. Emotions are close to the surface. Students are hopeful and deeply interested in learning.”
Does this describe a middle schooler you know? Parents sometimes find young teens puzzling; it’s helpful for parents to realize that as your teen changes and grows, you’ll have to change and grow too. Our Practical Tips booklet is full of just that – practical tips to help parents know what to do. Check it out! And if you’re working at a middle school you may receive a free sample copy.

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