Parents of younger teens are sometimes wondering how to provide the safe online activities that will teach and entertain kids, while giving them reliable protection. NewMoonGirls.com is one such online community; specifically created for girls ages 8 – 12 this unique site offers ad-free, healthy and positive content and encourages tween girls to share their creativity through artwork, poetry, videos etc. Two of their major areas of focus are to build self- esteem in girls and to promote a healthy body image. Membership to this site and community can make a memorable, enjoyable and educational holiday gift.

To share their words: “New Moon Girls is an online community and print magazine where girls create and share poetry, artwork, videos, and more; chat together; and learn. All in a fully moderated, educational environment designed to build self-esteem and positive body image. Membership is just $29.95 for 12 months unlimited online access + 6 bimonthly issues of New Moon Girls print magazine.”

When you visit their website, you’ll know you’ve found a special place. Inviting, colorful and inspirational, they do a first-class job in appealing to your tween daughters, nieces and friends. Here’s just one small section from their home page; you can easily tell these good folks take what they do seriously.

www.NewMoon.com

Here’s a sample copy of their November/December magazine.

This is a terrific holiday gift idea for the tweens and young teen girls on your list. Don’t wait. www.NewMoon.com

Your 24 year old son just got a flat tire out on I495. What does your son do? He calls you.

Is this what you want him to do? A kid who is being raised by “helicopter parents” will probably call you first. For me, I’d like him to call AAA, get the tire fixed, and tell me about it later.

I know that “helicopter parenting” is not a scientific term with a clear definition, and yesterday’s story in the Boston Globe really muddied the issue. Under the front page headline “For some, helicopter parenting delivers benefits” they claim that some “helicopter parents” claim they enjoy an added closeness with their teens. The Globe article states “Stephanie Coontz, director of research at the Council on Contemporary Families, sees an unacknowledged dividend to helicopter parenting that is becoming more apparent: namely the enduring friendship often forged between the generations, in contrast to the “generation gap” of old.”

Let’s not get distracted and make this a semantic issue about an un-specifically-defined term. This is too important a discussion.

Helicopter parenting may come from a place of love. Parents hover because they care so darn much, and because they don’t want to see their kids in pain, or experience failure. But just because it comes from a good place doesn’t mean that it is good for kids. If we raise kids who are unable to solve their own problems, who need advice from mom and dad at every turn, who don’t know enough to get their own flat tire fixed, have we really done a good job as parents? I think not. This isn’t about our level of “friendship,” but rather our kids’ level of competence.

Do college kids need to speak with their parents every single day? What is the “right” level of connection? That is an individual choice, a dynamic for which there are no set rules. Temperament, circumstances and more will play into this, and of course supportive parents need to be involved with their teens and college students. What is wrong is if a college student is unable to make decisions and choices without constant parental input. Parents who are needed to this degree have hamstrung their kids. This is where parents really need to look in the mirror…because what is often driving these parents is selfishness… parents needing to be needed.

I have two kids in college myself. My husband and I sometimes wonder if we are “helicoptering” or providing an appropriate amount of space and independence. It’s a balancing act that I’m sure we don’t always get right. But, truly it doesn’t have much to do with our “friendship” or the quality of our relationships with our kids.

Learning how not to be a helicopter parent is a skill this generation of parents needs to pay attention to. From the beginning we’ve scripted our kids’ every move from their youth soccer games, to play dates, and more. Don’t get confused by making this a discussion about semantics….rather, stay focused on helping your teenagers develop the confidence and competence to not need your input at all. Then you can really enjoy your relationship.

Are You Becoming Obsolete?

Last month I was speaking to a group of about 40 women in Ohio – really bright, committed, caring, smart parents of teenagers. They were an impressive group. And I asked them “How many of you are on Facebook?” Seven women raised their hands. Seven out of 40. I think that is a really low number.

At my book group meeting last night, consisting of 7 very sharp women, Facebook came up again. Most of these gals stated they don’t have the interest or the time to get “sucked in” to Facebook. And they don’t see the value; they wonder what the fuss is all about.

I understand. I get it that this can be a time drain, and nobody has an excess of time. But, step back for a minute and consider the fundamental ways that the internet is changing our communication. It’s okay if you are not on Facebook, but it is important that you stay relatively current with your use of new technologies. Because if you don’t, you are allowing a dangerous media gap to exist between you and your teens. You can’t guide them well if you don’t know how to do what they are doing on the web.

It is probable that you are participating in new technologies more than you know. In Groundswell; Winning in a World Transformed by Social Technologies, Forrester Research experts Li and Bernoff say that in 2008 social technology adoption increased from 56% in 2007 to 75%. What exactly are they referring to as “social technologies?”

Watching online video,
reading online reviews,
voting and commenting,
participating in online forums or discussion groups,
sharing photos online,
reading and commenting on blogs…
and visiting and participating in social networking sites.

It may be helpful to consider Facebook* as being just another simple step on a continuum of two-way communication online. You should know there are social networks for Weight watchers, firefighters, Ellen DeGeneres fans, veterans and much more. One easy place to poke around is at www.ning.com where there are many social networking sites through which you can peruse.

Accept this challenge: make a commitment to spend time getting familiar with a new technology application or tool this week. And then keep at it – don’t allow yourself to become obsolete.

*An enterprising lecturer at Stamford is running a hands-on class for parents. If you don’t live near there you may be interested in his blog or newsletter.
http://facebookforparents.org/

Image via WikipediaDoes FEAR play a role as you parent your teens?

“I kept trying to fix my son,” she said, “until I finally realized he wasn’t broken.”

These were the words from a mom who came to realize that she had been parenting her teen son from a place of fear.

What does it mean to parent from a place of fear? How common is it? What does it look like? What are the consequences? There’s a lot to be afraid of as you try and protect your kids in this crazy world – right?

Fear. It drives our behavior far more than we care to admit. Just a quick look at titles of a few current books gives a hint that this is a topic that resonates with many: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway; The Culture of Fear: Why Americans are Afraid of the Wrong Things; Love is Letting Go of Fear; The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear and Shame to be Your Best and Bravest Self. No shortage of information on fear, to be sure.

Have you considered if fear is impacting you as you parent your teen? Chances are it does. And fear is not your friend.

• FEAR gets in the way of honest communication.
• FEAR may be preventing you from hearing what your teenager is trying to say.
• FEAR may be making you hold your teen back from valuable experiences.
• FEAR may be driving you to push your teen in ways that hurt, rather than help him.
• FEAR may behind the competitive spirit that shows up when you look at other families and other teenagers.
• FEAR may prevent you from accurately assessing your teenager’s capabilities.
• FEAR may be what’s behind you over-scheduling your kids, fearful they will miss out on an opportunity.
• FEAR may be holding you back from having helpful conversations with your peers.
• FEAR may prevent you from accessing available support services that could help your family and better your relationships.
• FEAR may be behind your vivid imagination that envisions negative outcomes.

Helicopter parenting : Today we hear a lot about “helicopter parenting;” this refers to parents who hover too closely. Although many such parents will swear this comes from a place of love and good intentions, dig down a little deeper and you are sure to find fear lurking there too. Why do these parents swoop in and fight Johnny’s battles? Fear of failure.

Serious Consequences: Madeline Levine’s significant book The Price of Privilege; How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids” reveals some connections we can’t ignore: fearful, anxious parents raise anxious kids. And anxious, over-protective “helicopter” parents demand high performance from their kids in a way that actually undermines their development. “Perfectionism” is what results when kids can’t tolerate failure, and it holds kids back. When kids are fearful of failure, they don’t have the courage to take risks or step outside their comfort zones. And if we raise a generation of kids who aren’t able to take risks, how will we innovate America’s next set of solutions? Levine goes on to connect more dots, linking parents’ performance-focused expectations to teens’ increased depression, anxiety and even substance abuse.

Is your fear-based behavior leading to your teen’s problems or mis-behavior? Think about it.

What do you fear most? Parents I surveyed and report on in PARENTING TEENAGERS: The Agony & The Ecstasy say they fear for their teens in life and death terms. Parents say “My biggest fear for my teen is that she will make a decision that will haunt her for the rest of her life.” “My biggest fear is that he will not make good decisions and the results of his actions will have life threatening consequences.”

Some amount of fear is natural for parents of teens. Yes, you face new levels of danger as your teen begins to drive or ride in the car with new drivers. There is no shortage of data to demonstrate teens’ increased risk profile and their lack of reliable decision making skills.

But the point for parents to consider here is to what degree is your fear driving you to make poor judgment calls? Are you so fearful about raising your teen that it is undermining your relationship and your ability to support her positive development?

Only you can be the judge of that.

Feel the fear and move past it anyway.

Dan Kindlon, Harvard Professor, published “Too Much of A Good Thing” in 2001; a research-based book subtitled “Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age.” He points out that today’s parents are often “overprotective and over-identified” with their kids. His data connects parents’ over indulgence with increased levels of depression, boredom, anxiety, alcohol and drug use in their kids. Many of my readers of this blog live in communities similar to the ones described in Kindlon’s research….middle class, affluent, educated. Certainly his warnings resonate with middle class parents who are sensitive to what we now call “helicopter parenting.” Many such parents can take some lessons on stepping back in order to help their kids develop.

These very same communities are often where you hear parents and kids complaining loudly about STRESS. The competition is intense for everything from AP courses to making the soccer team. Kids and parents alike wonder where it will stop, and how to keep kids from engaging in unhealthy or dangerous behavior in order to survive the pressure.

I heard Kindlon speak a few weeks ago, and his data and anecdotes are compelling. While encouraging parents to be less indulgent and hold kids more accountable, he seems to empathize with the “kids are way-too stressed” camp. He makes a strong case, and one that I can understand… the demands are high. The competition takes its toll. “Stress” tops the list of most teens’ complaints. Kindlon points out that even at the elementary level homework has increased 50% in the last two decades. I hear from some friends with kids in private schools that some of them are demanding less homework in an effort to provide some balance and freedom of choice for their students. We hear the cries “Kids are growing up too fast! They need time to just be kids!”

But something doesn’t jive.

The morning after I heard Kindlon speak I had breakfast with a friend and colleague who works with many college presidents across the country. He took issue with Kindlon’s stance. He said “Every college I deal with complains that their incoming students are unprepared. They say incoming freshman don’t know what stress is and they don’t know how to cope! They don’t know what it is to work hard, and they haven’t learned their basic lessons or developed the level of skill we should be seeing.”

Which point of view is right?

The April 16 Boston Globe says in a headline “Many Mass. graduates unprepared in college. Thousands need remedial classes, are drop-out risks.” While the data noted in the Globe piece points out that the most acute problems occur with students in urban districts and vocational schools, they also point out that this problem “crossed socioeconomic lines.”

Whether your teenager is in an under-performing district or one with 99% of graduates going to college, parents need to consider both sides of this argument. While we don’t want to either overindulge our teens or see them suffer from too much stress, we certainly want to hold them to high standards and make sure they are fluent and prepared in essential basics and skills. It’s a bit scary to consider that so many of them are deemed unprepared for college.

Consider both sides of this argument as you guide your teenager.

Maybe the answer will come from combining the two points of view…Over-indulging our kids has many serious consequences, AND kids needs to develop skills to deal with stress while they keep their noses to the grindstone and learn their lessons well.

Let’s face it – a transition to middle or high school can be intimidating for parents, too. Kids aren’t the only ones stressing during these big transitions. One thing that many parents struggle with is trying to find the right amount of involvement as your teenager grows.

Finding the best ways to support your teenager in secondary school can be confusing for parents for many reasons: 1.) parents sometimes think they hear other parents saying they shouldn’t be involved at the higher level schools; 2.) parents know they must give their teenager more ownership for their own success while they practice responsibility and time management, and 3.) teens will sometimes push back on parents, wishing them to be less visible in secondary school. So, what’s the right degree of involvment? What does parent involvement look like in middle and high school?

Parent involvement is essential in secondary schools…yet it DOES look DIFFERENT than it does in elementary school. Let’s begin by reviewing WHY it’s important:

Despite the impression you may receive from your teenager, recent research shows that teens want their parents involved, and they feel that parent involvement in high school is even more important than in elementary school.

For those of you working with the middle or high school age group, one issue you often face is how to involve their parents more. For a variety of reasons parents appear to have less involvement when their kids are in secondary school. This issue has been the topic of discussion in many previous articles,(see parent involvement category) and one essential element that enhances parent involvement is creating a welcoming attitude and atmosphere.

I was delighted earlier this month when I spoke at CAJE (an annual conference by the Coalition for the Advancement of Jewish Education) and met Dr. Ron Wolfson. He has authored a book all about this titled… The Spirituality of Welcoming…How to Transform your Congregation into a Sacred Community. Although the book is focused on Jewish synagogues, his observations and recommendations are relevant to anyone who is concerned about creating a “welcoming” atmosphere; and it’s exciting to learn from someone who has thoroughly studied this element of our institutions.

It reminded me of a concept that I promote when I’m speaking to educators. I encourage people to “think big and think small.” By “Think Big” I mean to encourage you to develop system-wide approaches to enhance the welcoming attitude at your school, church, synagogue etc. For example:

By “think small” I encourage you to be thoughtful about your own behavior:

Want to explore this topic more? Let me hear your thoughts.

Parent participation is an issue facing educators everywhere. While some complain about the entitled parents who demand an inappropriate degree of special treatment, many more feel that an increase in parent involvement will benefit their students. However, let’s remember to acknowledge the parents who get the balance right – that, in itself, is an accomplishment parents work hard to achieve.

Here are 10 tips to help you reach those hard-to-reach parents:

1. Tell parents why their involvement is important. Some honestly believe that they are doing the right thing by pulling back and giving their teens more space. Parents don’t always make the connection as to how important their involvement is to their kid’s success in school, so it can help to lay out the facts to them: Children do better in school when their parents are involved in school and in helping them learn at home.

2. Provide tools to help them. Parents need to learn about adolescent development, parenting styles that provide the most benefit to kids, and strategies and skills to implement this. Be a worthwhile resource for parents, and facilitate opportunities to connect with their peers and talk over issues and strategies. In particular, help parents understand what teenage behaviors are developmentally appropriate.

3. Respect parents’ schedules. Most are very busy and have substantial work commitments. Make it easy for them to come to school events and speak to school staff by offering these opportunities at flexible times.

4. Learn to know the parents personally, so you understand their issues and needs. The more you understand the issues faced by individual families, the more you will be able to tailor your message, meet their needs, and gain their participation. Be careful about your assumptions. Even if these parents appear to be uninvolved it would probably be inaccurate to assume they don’t care. The vast majority of parents care deeply about their children and sincerely want them to do well.

5. Entice them and reward parents for participation. Offer items or information they need and deliver it when they participate in school programs, at-home projects or in other areas where you need their participation.

6. Manage your expectations. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but with an ongoing effort you can make change happen. Be smart about what you measure; attendance at a particular one-time event may not be an accurate measurement of the success of your offering. In fact, measuring attendance at school events may not provide an accurate picture of parent involvement at all.

7.  Get assistance from the top. The value of increasing parent involvement can be reinforced and supported from the very top of the management structure. Principals and superintendents need to get involved in promoting the message, and providing the structural support for effective results to be achieved.

8. Involve the students. Regardless of what they may say, teens do want their parents involved in their lives, and they need their parents’ support. Help the kids by providing assignments that involve their parents. 

9. Utilize multiple channels of communication. One letter home, one phone call, may not be enough to push busy parents into action. Important messages deserve to be communicated in several ways through various media. Often people need to hear messages up to 5 times before they take action.

10. Involve multiple people and departments from school. Collaborate across your school, departments, and functions so everyone is working toward the same goals, and giving parents the same messages.