Dan Kindlon, Harvard Professor, published “Too Much of A Good Thing” in 2001; a research-based book subtitled “Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age.” He points out that today’s parents are often “overprotective and over-identified” with their kids. His data connects parents’ over indulgence with increased levels of depression, boredom, anxiety, alcohol and drug use in their kids. Many of my readers of this blog live in communities similar to the ones described in Kindlon’s research….middle class, affluent, educated. Certainly his warnings resonate with middle class parents who are sensitive to what we now call “helicopter parenting.” Many such parents can take some lessons on stepping back in order to help their kids develop.

These very same communities are often where you hear parents and kids complaining loudly about STRESS. The competition is intense for everything from AP courses to making the soccer team. Kids and parents alike wonder where it will stop, and how to keep kids from engaging in unhealthy or dangerous behavior in order to survive the pressure.

I heard Kindlon speak a few weeks ago, and his data and anecdotes are compelling. While encouraging parents to be less indulgent and hold kids more accountable, he seems to empathize with the “kids are way-too stressed” camp. He makes a strong case, and one that I can understand… the demands are high. The competition takes its toll. “Stress” tops the list of most teens’ complaints. Kindlon points out that even at the elementary level homework has increased 50% in the last two decades. I hear from some friends with kids in private schools that some of them are demanding less homework in an effort to provide some balance and freedom of choice for their students. We hear the cries “Kids are growing up too fast! They need time to just be kids!”

But something doesn’t jive.

The morning after I heard Kindlon speak I had breakfast with a friend and colleague who works with many college presidents across the country. He took issue with Kindlon’s stance. He said “Every college I deal with complains that their incoming students are unprepared. They say incoming freshman don’t know what stress is and they don’t know how to cope! They don’t know what it is to work hard, and they haven’t learned their basic lessons or developed the level of skill we should be seeing.”

Which point of view is right?

The April 16 Boston Globe says in a headline “Many Mass. graduates unprepared in college. Thousands need remedial classes, are drop-out risks.” While the data noted in the Globe piece points out that the most acute problems occur with students in urban districts and vocational schools, they also point out that this problem “crossed socioeconomic lines.”

Whether your teenager is in an under-performing district or one with 99% of graduates going to college, parents need to consider both sides of this argument. While we don’t want to either overindulge our teens or see them suffer from too much stress, we certainly want to hold them to high standards and make sure they are fluent and prepared in essential basics and skills. It’s a bit scary to consider that so many of them are deemed unprepared for college.

Consider both sides of this argument as you guide your teenager.

Maybe the answer will come from combining the two points of view…Over-indulging our kids has many serious consequences, AND kids needs to develop skills to deal with stress while they keep their noses to the grindstone and learn their lessons well.

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Let’s face it - a transition to middle or high school can be intimidating for parents, too. Kids aren’t the only ones stressing during these big transitions. One thing that many parents struggle with is trying to find the right amount of involvement as your teenager grows.

Finding the best ways to support your teenager in secondary school can be confusing for parents for many reasons: 1.) parents sometimes think they hear other parents saying they shouldn’t be involved at the higher level schools; 2.) parents know they must give their teenager more ownership for their own success while they practice responsibility and time management, and 3.) teens will sometimes push back on parents, wishing them to be less visible in secondary school. So, what’s the right degree of involvment? What does parent involvement look like in middle and high school?

Parent involvement is essential in secondary schools…yet it DOES look DIFFERENT than it does in elementary school. Let’s begin by reviewing WHY it’s important:

Despite the impression you may receive from your teenager, recent research shows that teens want their parents involved, and they feel that parent involvement in high school is even more important than in elementary school.

You can learn new skills through your involvement in school.

What’s the right level of involvement? Much of this will depend on you and your teenager; it would be wrong to say there is a right way and a wrong way. Here are a few guidelines:

• Read all the paperwork that comes home from your teen’s school. Have a sense of what is going on there; keep all phone numbers, calendars, bus info, and contact information handy.
• Be sure to attend the school open house usually offered in the fall. It is important to meet your child’s teachers, and this venue provides the best way to do so in most cases.
• If your child has particular issues, it is appropriate to discuss these with your teenager’s guidance counselor and/or teachers. Work with the school to address issues; they can guide you about working within their system.
• Viewing your teenager’s assignment notebook regularly can be an excellent way to stay informed about school assignments without being over-bearing.
• If your child is participating in school sports or other activities, be sure to attend the games. This provides you with the opportunity to meet other parents and some of your teen’s new friends.

If your teenager doesn’t want you to be highly visible in school activities it’s important to find other ways to be involved.
Here are some approaches you can consider:

• What do you do well? If you are comfortable writing, offer to write a piece for the school website or newsletter.
• Contact the PTO and offer your services to help them. If you like to cook, offer to prepare a dish for an upcoming event. If you’re a whiz with the computer, they’ll find you a job. Be creative with them in finding an appropriate answer that fits your schedule.
• The PTO often has a person who is assigned to gather volunteer names, information about their interests, and serve as a liaison. Touch base with this person; get your name on some lists.
• If you are more comfortable with collating or copying papers or doing office work, school staff may soon be fighting over you! Let them know your availability.
• If working at home or at night fits your schedule best, let the volunteer organizers know this. They can direct you to appropriate opportunities and will be grateful for your help.
  

At a minimum, go to all the school events that you can. Get your name on the mailing lists for all announcements. When they need help, be there. And be involved. You need to pick up the phone and make it happen; don’t wait for them to call you.

Parent involvement: it’s still your responsibility even when your teenagers enter secondary school, and it makes a difference in your teen’s success.

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For those of you working with the middle or high school age group, one issue you often face is how to involve their parents more. For a variety of reasons parents appear to have less involvement when their kids are in secondary school. This issue has been the topic of discussion in many previous articles,(see parent involvement category) and one essential element that enhances parent involvement is creating a welcoming attitude and atmosphere.

I was delighted earlier this month when I spoke at CAJE (an annual conference by the Coalition for the Advancement of Jewish Education) and met Dr. Ron Wolfson. He has authored a book all about this titled… The Spirituality of Welcoming…How to Transform your Congregation into a Sacred Community. Although the book is focused on Jewish synagogues, his observations and recommendations are relevant to anyone who is concerned about creating a “welcoming” atmosphere; and it’s exciting to learn from someone who has thoroughly studied this element of our institutions.

It reminded me of a concept that I promote when I’m speaking to educators. I encourage people to “think big and think small.” By “Think Big” I mean to encourage you to develop system-wide approaches to enhance the welcoming attitude at your school, church, synagogue etc. For example:

By “think small” I encourage you to be thoughtful about your own behavior:

Want to explore this topic more? Let me hear your thoughts.

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Parent participation is an issue facing educators everywhere. While some complain about the entitled parents who demand an inappropriate degree of special treatment, many more feel that an increase in parent involvement will benefit their students. However, let’s remember to acknowledge the parents who get the balance right – that, in itself, is an accomplishment parents work hard to achieve.

Here are 10 tips to help you reach those hard-to-reach parents:

1. Tell parents why their involvement is important. Some honestly believe that they are doing the right thing by pulling back and giving their teens more space. Parents don’t always make the connection as to how important their involvement is to their kid’s success in school, so it can help to lay out the facts to them: Children do better in school when their parents are involved in school and in helping them learn at home.

2. Provide tools to help them. Parents need to learn about adolescent development, parenting styles that provide the most benefit to kids, and strategies and skills to implement this. Be a worthwhile resource for parents, and facilitate opportunities to connect with their peers and talk over issues and strategies. In particular, help parents understand what teenage behaviors are developmentally appropriate.

3. Respect parents’ schedules. Most are very busy and have substantial work commitments. Make it easy for them to come to school events and speak to school staff by offering these opportunities at flexible times.

4. Learn to know the parents personally, so you understand their issues and needs. The more you understand the issues faced by individual families, the more you will be able to tailor your message, meet their needs, and gain their participation. Be careful about your assumptions. Even if these parents appear to be uninvolved it would probably be inaccurate to assume they don’t care. The vast majority of parents care deeply about their children and sincerely want them to do well.

5. Entice them and reward parents for participation. Offer items or information they need and deliver it when they participate in school programs, at-home projects or in other areas where you need their participation.

6. Manage your expectations. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but with an ongoing effort you can make change happen. Be smart about what you measure; attendance at a particular one-time event may not be an accurate measurement of the success of your offering. In fact, measuring attendance at school events may not provide an accurate picture of parent involvement at all.

7.  Get assistance from the top. The value of increasing parent involvement can be reinforced and supported from the very top of the management structure. Principals and superintendents need to get involved in promoting the message, and providing the structural support for effective results to be achieved.

8. Involve the students. Regardless of what they may say, teens do want their parents involved in their lives, and they need their parents’ support. Help the kids by providing assignments that involve their parents. 

9. Utilize multiple channels of communication. One letter home, one phone call, may not be enough to push busy parents into action. Important messages deserve to be communicated in several ways through various media. Often people need to hear messages up to 5 times before they take action.

10. Involve multiple people and departments from school. Collaborate across your school, departments, and functions so everyone is working toward the same goals, and giving parents the same messages.

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