It took less than 2 seconds to obliterate six months of work, and courage, and effort.

Last January Drew moved from the west coast to the east coast; his parents felt that it would be easier for him if they made the move in the middle of the school year rather than begin a summer in a new town knowing nobody. So from January to June Drew had put up a brave front, trying to make friends, trying to be accepted in his new school, trying to break into the seventh grade cliques. And in 2 seconds everything changed when one of his classmates said three simple words to Drew on the last day of school…

“I hate you.”

What would possess a kid to do something so heartless and cruel? It was days later when Drew told me his story, and the pain in his eyes was still intense and sharp, as it was in his mother’s eyes.

Of course it happened because Drew is cool. He is kind; he is funny; he is handsome…so the other boy is probably jealous, and threatened.

But telling that to Drew doesn’t take away his pain.

Do Drew a favor. If there is a new child in your community or in your child’s school, reach out to that new child this summer and make him/her feel welcome. Teach your middle schoolers about feelings, and consideration.

There is no way to justify that kind of cruelty.

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Your teenager may be a little too young to look for a summer job, or maybe the current economic environment is making the summer job prospects bleak. There are many productive ways your teenager can spend time this summer, expanding friendships, connections, and gaining valuable experiences. Here are some ideas:

*take a class to learn a new skill - drawing, sculpting, music, a new craft or new computer application,

*check out enrichment classes offered in summer school, community ed or even local colleges,

*look into available summer classes and programs offered at area museums or cultural centers,

*volunteer to work with kids, elders, or to usher events at cultural centers,

*visit the SPCA to learn about their volunteer opportunities,

*introduce himself to the senior centers in town. They may love an extra pair of hands -
especially youthful ones,

*look into the offerings from your community park and rec programs. Depending on the age of your teen, there may be opportunities both to participate and to be leaders or counselors,

*find out about the Bible studies or other religious study groups offered by your church or temple,

*sign up for camp. Sports camps, drama camps, arts camps… many kinds are available to help kids learn new skills and enhance talents,

*babysit in your neighborhood,

* volunteer at the library,

*use all those dance lessons by starting a neighborhood dance camp for little ones,

*take drivers ed during the summer so you don’t have to fit it in during the school year,

*tutor reading or math for younger children,

* take lifeguard training,

*commit to spending a day a week with a grandparent, helping with household chores,

* develop a childcare/babysitting or art program at a local pool club.

This list just a start. I hope it gets your creative juices going so you can plan ahead and find the right balance of productive busy-ness and relaxing down-time for both you and your teenager.

Have any other good ideas? Post them here and we’ll expand our list for other parents and teens.

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In response to my several articles about teenagers and lying, several of you have asked follow-up questions about how to handle teens who are lying about their homework. This can be extremely frustrating for parents, and I know it’s a challenge to handle. As parents, we can see the consequences of teens’ behavior better than many of them can, and we find it particularly frustrating when they don’t take their school obligations seriously.

It is helpful to work with the school professionals when facing an issue like this, so your first contact should be your child’s teacher and/or school counselor. But sometimes, despite promises made, kids continue to lie, and I understand those of you who are struggling to know how to respond to this.

I asked an assistant principal at a high school to answer your questions, and this was his reply:

Two weeks ago, one of my junior’s parents found out that he had been lying to them for two weeks about homework. Teachers were emailing with concerns, and the student continued to lie and say that he was getting caught up. That weekend, his parents allowed him to go away on a pre-planned ski trip to Vermont with friends because “he had been looking forward to it for a long time, and he had been really trying up until he started lying.”

I suspect that most of you who read this story will read it as I did… these parents missed a really important chance to use their leverage with their son on this very issue. How can we expect our kids to make tough choices when we, as parents, don’t have the courage to do so?

Parents have in your “tool kit” a highly effective tool, and that is consequences for actions. Parents have the authority to apply consequences and a responsibility to do so. Parents who are afraid to hold their teens accountable or to apply consequences will fail to teach their kids essential lessons. Sometimes it’s the parents who need to grow up and take the high road… and stand firm.

If you doubt this, then let me share some quotes from young adult twenty-somethings who share advice for parents of teens as they responded to my survey (reported in Parenting Teens: The Agony and the Ecstasy) Young adults say to current parents of teens:

This perspective from recent-teenagers has proven to be a most powerful input for current parents because they are saying that teens need and expect parents to make tough calls for them at times. If parents don’t do this, we are letting our teens down.

Many teenagers test the boundaries to learn if you are going to enforce them. It would be so much easier and more peaceful in families if this weren’t the case, but kids have probably been testing parents’ rules since the beginning of time!

When kids are lying about important areas that matter to you and impact their long-term best interests, take a good look at your options. What matters the most to your teen? His cell phone? Access to the car? Freedom on weekends? They are not entitled to these things, these are privileges. Don’t be afraid to treat them as such and give your teen a strong message about what’s most important. Take away the cell phone, the computer, whatever it takes to send the message that you expect them to not only do their homework, but not to lie about it.

Don’t be afraid to use your leverage when you need to.

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Let’s face it - a transition to middle or high school can be intimidating for parents, too. Kids aren’t the only ones stressing during these big transitions. One thing that many parents struggle with is trying to find the right amount of involvement as your teenager grows.

Finding the best ways to support your teenager in secondary school can be confusing for parents for many reasons: 1.) parents sometimes think they hear other parents saying they shouldn’t be involved at the higher level schools; 2.) parents know they must give their teenager more ownership for their own success while they practice responsibility and time management, and 3.) teens will sometimes push back on parents, wishing them to be less visible in secondary school. So, what’s the right degree of involvment? What does parent involvement look like in middle and high school?

Parent involvement is essential in secondary schools…yet it DOES look DIFFERENT than it does in elementary school. Let’s begin by reviewing WHY it’s important:

Despite the impression you may receive from your teenager, recent research shows that teens want their parents involved, and they feel that parent involvement in high school is even more important than in elementary school.

You can learn new skills through your involvement in school.

What’s the right level of involvement? Much of this will depend on you and your teenager; it would be wrong to say there is a right way and a wrong way. Here are a few guidelines:

• Read all the paperwork that comes home from your teen’s school. Have a sense of what is going on there; keep all phone numbers, calendars, bus info, and contact information handy.
• Be sure to attend the school open house usually offered in the fall. It is important to meet your child’s teachers, and this venue provides the best way to do so in most cases.
• If your child has particular issues, it is appropriate to discuss these with your teenager’s guidance counselor and/or teachers. Work with the school to address issues; they can guide you about working within their system.
• Viewing your teenager’s assignment notebook regularly can be an excellent way to stay informed about school assignments without being over-bearing.
• If your child is participating in school sports or other activities, be sure to attend the games. This provides you with the opportunity to meet other parents and some of your teen’s new friends.

If your teenager doesn’t want you to be highly visible in school activities it’s important to find other ways to be involved.
Here are some approaches you can consider:

• What do you do well? If you are comfortable writing, offer to write a piece for the school website or newsletter.
• Contact the PTO and offer your services to help them. If you like to cook, offer to prepare a dish for an upcoming event. If you’re a whiz with the computer, they’ll find you a job. Be creative with them in finding an appropriate answer that fits your schedule.
• The PTO often has a person who is assigned to gather volunteer names, information about their interests, and serve as a liaison. Touch base with this person; get your name on some lists.
• If you are more comfortable with collating or copying papers or doing office work, school staff may soon be fighting over you! Let them know your availability.
• If working at home or at night fits your schedule best, let the volunteer organizers know this. They can direct you to appropriate opportunities and will be grateful for your help.
  

At a minimum, go to all the school events that you can. Get your name on the mailing lists for all announcements. When they need help, be there. And be involved. You need to pick up the phone and make it happen; don’t wait for them to call you.

Parent involvement: it’s still your responsibility even when your teenagers enter secondary school, and it makes a difference in your teen’s success.

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Think those uncommunicative teens really don’t want to talk to you? Actually, they may have some poignent and surprising questions on their minds. Here’s a peek into the questions on the minds of young teens, along with a neat guide you can use to initiate conversations with your child.

What Kids REALLY Want to Ask: Using Movies to Start Meaningful Conversations is a guidebook for parents and children ages 10 - 14. Written by Rhonda A. Richardson, Ph.D., and A. Margaret Pevec, MA, this unique book was created with three objectives in mind:

• To help parents initiate more meaningful conversations with their children during the middle school years,
• To help parents nurture the bond and cement it in place “prior to the years when hanging out with parents is the last thing a kid wants to do,”
• To provide a framework and activities to help initiate meaningful conversations.

…and MOVIES are the framework for these conversations! Movies can be great conversation-starters, and this guide will direct you to specific movies and topics to discuss based on themes that are derived from kids’ own questions. Very cool!

This unique book began with a research study where the authors polled 1,124 middle-school students with the following question:
“If you could ask your mom or dad one question and know you would get an honest answer, what question would you ask?” The authors received responses from 520 boys and 604 girls between the ages of 11 and 13 from a range of communities. From this data, they identified the twelve broad categories, or themes, into which the responses fell.

The book is organized by these themes, and the authors suggest a particular movie or two that will be appropriate for young teens and provide rich fodder for discussions about the theme. The themes are divided into those that reflect the family (”This Clan is Our Clan,” “Parents are People, Too,” “Love Me Tender,” “Roots and Wings,” etc.) and the larger world of friendships, school, work etc.

Here’s a wonderful way to use this book, and a TERRIFIC idea for an activity: start a regular movie night with your teenager. You could even do this with a group of parents and teens, which could make it even more fun. Consider asking the teenagers to view the questions that are associated with the movie you are about to view to get them thinking about the questions they might want to ask parents. If you do this in a group setting you could make a game out of the discussions by having the kids throw dice to determine who asks the first question.

The questions that the survey respondents asked are poignent and important