Dan Kindlon, Harvard Professor, published “Too Much of A Good Thing” in 2001; a research-based book subtitled “Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age.” He points out that today’s parents are often “overprotective and over-identified” with their kids. His data connects parents’ over indulgence with increased levels of depression, boredom, anxiety, alcohol and drug use in their kids. Many of my readers of this blog live in communities similar to the ones described in Kindlon’s research….middle class, affluent, educated. Certainly his warnings resonate with middle class parents who are sensitive to what we now call “helicopter parenting.” Many such parents can take some lessons on stepping back in order to help their kids develop.

These very same communities are often where you hear parents and kids complaining loudly about STRESS. The competition is intense for everything from AP courses to making the soccer team. Kids and parents alike wonder where it will stop, and how to keep kids from engaging in unhealthy or dangerous behavior in order to survive the pressure.

I heard Kindlon speak a few weeks ago, and his data and anecdotes are compelling. While encouraging parents to be less indulgent and hold kids more accountable, he seems to empathize with the “kids are way-too stressed” camp. He makes a strong case, and one that I can understand… the demands are high. The competition takes its toll. “Stress” tops the list of most teens’ complaints. Kindlon points out that even at the elementary level homework has increased 50% in the last two decades. I hear from some friends with kids in private schools that some of them are demanding less homework in an effort to provide some balance and freedom of choice for their students. We hear the cries “Kids are growing up too fast! They need time to just be kids!”

But something doesn’t jive.

The morning after I heard Kindlon speak I had breakfast with a friend and colleague who works with many college presidents across the country. He took issue with Kindlon’s stance. He said “Every college I deal with complains that their incoming students are unprepared. They say incoming freshman don’t know what stress is and they don’t know how to cope! They don’t know what it is to work hard, and they haven’t learned their basic lessons or developed the level of skill we should be seeing.”

Which point of view is right?

The April 16 Boston Globe says in a headline “Many Mass. graduates unprepared in college. Thousands need remedial classes, are drop-out risks.” While the data noted in the Globe piece points out that the most acute problems occur with students in urban districts and vocational schools, they also point out that this problem “crossed socioeconomic lines.”

Whether your teenager is in an under-performing district or one with 99% of graduates going to college, parents need to consider both sides of this argument. While we don’t want to either overindulge our teens or see them suffer from too much stress, we certainly want to hold them to high standards and make sure they are fluent and prepared in essential basics and skills. It’s a bit scary to consider that so many of them are deemed unprepared for college.

Consider both sides of this argument as you guide your teenager.

Maybe the answer will come from combining the two points of view…Over-indulging our kids has many serious consequences, AND kids needs to develop skills to deal with stress while they keep their noses to the grindstone and learn their lessons well.

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Your teenager may be a little too young to look for a summer job, or maybe the current economic environment is making the summer job prospects bleak. There are many productive ways your teenager can spend time this summer, expanding friendships, connections, and gaining valuable experiences. Here are some ideas:

*take a class to learn a new skill - drawing, sculpting, music, a new craft or new computer application,

*check out enrichment classes offered in summer school, community ed or even local colleges,

*look into available summer classes and programs offered at area museums or cultural centers,

*volunteer to work with kids, elders, or to usher events at cultural centers,

*visit the SPCA to learn about their volunteer opportunities,

*introduce himself to the senior centers in town. They may love an extra pair of hands -
especially youthful ones,

*look into the offerings from your community park and rec programs. Depending on the age of your teen, there may be opportunities both to participate and to be leaders or counselors,

*find out about the Bible studies or other religious study groups offered by your church or temple,

*sign up for camp. Sports camps, drama camps, arts camps… many kinds are available to help kids learn new skills and enhance talents,

*babysit in your neighborhood,

* volunteer at the library,

*use all those dance lessons by starting a neighborhood dance camp for little ones,

*take drivers ed during the summer so you don’t have to fit it in during the school year,

*tutor reading or math for younger children,

* take lifeguard training,

*commit to spending a day a week with a grandparent, helping with household chores,

* develop a childcare/babysitting or art program at a local pool club.

This list just a start. I hope it gets your creative juices going so you can plan ahead and find the right balance of productive busy-ness and relaxing down-time for both you and your teenager.

Have any other good ideas? Post them here and we’ll expand our list for other parents and teens.

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In response to my several articles about teenagers and lying, several of you have asked follow-up questions about how to handle teens who are lying about their homework. This can be extremely frustrating for parents, and I know it’s a challenge to handle. As parents, we can see the consequences of teens’ behavior better than many of them can, and we find it particularly frustrating when they don’t take their school obligations seriously.

It is helpful to work with the school professionals when facing an issue like this, so your first contact should be your child’s teacher and/or school counselor. But sometimes, despite promises made, kids continue to lie, and I understand those of you who are struggling to know how to respond to this.

I asked an assistant principal at a high school to answer your questions, and this was his reply:

Two weeks ago, one of my junior’s parents found out that he had been lying to them for two weeks about homework. Teachers were emailing with concerns, and the student continued to lie and say that he was getting caught up. That weekend, his parents allowed him to go away on a pre-planned ski trip to Vermont with friends because “he had been looking forward to it for a long time, and he had been really trying up until he started lying.”

I suspect that most of you who read this story will read it as I did… these parents missed a really important chance to use their leverage with their son on this very issue. How can we expect our kids to make tough choices when we, as parents, don’t have the courage to do so?

Parents have in your “tool kit” a highly effective tool, and that is consequences for actions. Parents have the authority to apply consequences and a responsibility to do so. Parents who are afraid to hold their teens accountable or to apply consequences will fail to teach their kids essential lessons. Sometimes it’s the parents who need to grow up and take the high road… and stand firm.

If you doubt this, then let me share some quotes from young adult twenty-somethings who share advice for parents of teens as they responded to my survey (reported in Parenting Teens: The Agony and the Ecstasy) Young adults say to current parents of teens:

This perspective from recent-teenagers has proven to be a most powerful input for current parents because they are saying that teens need and expect parents to make tough calls for them at times. If parents don’t do this, we are letting our teens down.

Many teenagers test the boundaries to learn if you are going to enforce them. It would be so much easier and more peaceful in families if this weren’t the case, but kids have probably been testing parents’ rules since the beginning of time!

When kids are lying about important areas that matter to you and impact their long-term best interests, take a good look at your options. What matters the most to your teen? His cell phone? Access to the car? Freedom on weekends? They are not entitled to these things, these are privileges. Don’t be afraid to treat them as such and give your teen a strong message about what’s most important. Take away the cell phone, the computer, whatever it takes to send the message that you expect them to not only do their homework, but not to lie about it.

Don’t be afraid to use your leverage when you need to.

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“Never let your freshman date a senior!” is the recommendation for parents of teenagers from a 20-something respondent to my survey. Her advice has resonated in my brain for months now, and when I came across this additional data I knew I had to write about it:

*this data came from a report published by the Kaiser Family Foundation.

[The Kaiser Family Foundation is non-profit, private operating foundation dedicated to providing information and analysis on health care issues to policymakers, the media, the health care community and the general public. The Foundation is not associated with Kaiser Permanente or Kaiser Industries.]

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Let’s face it - a transition to middle or high school can be intimidating for parents, too. Kids aren’t the only ones stressing during these big transitions. One thing that many parents struggle with is trying to find the right amount of involvement as your teenager grows.

Finding the best ways to support your teenager in secondary school can be confusing for parents for many reasons: 1.) parents sometimes think they hear other parents saying they shouldn’t be involved at the higher level schools; 2.) parents know they must give their teenager more ownership for their own success while they practice responsibility and time management, and 3.) teens will sometimes push back on parents, wishing them to be less visible in secondary school. So, what’s the right degree of involvment? What does parent involvement look like in middle and high school?

Parent involvement is essential in secondary schools…yet it DOES look DIFFERENT than it does in elementary school. Let’s begin by reviewing WHY it’s important:

Despite the impression you may receive from your teenager, recent research shows that teens want their parents involved, and they feel that parent involvement in high school is even more important than in elementary school.