Parents of younger teens are sometimes wondering how to provide the safe online activities that will teach and entertain kids, while giving them reliable protection. NewMoonGirls.com is one such online community; specifically created for girls ages 8 – 12 this unique site offers ad-free, healthy and positive content and encourages tween girls to share their creativity through artwork, poetry, videos etc. Two of their major areas of focus are to build self- esteem in girls and to promote a healthy body image. Membership to this site and community can make a memorable, enjoyable and educational holiday gift.

To share their words: “New Moon Girls is an online community and print magazine where girls create and share poetry, artwork, videos, and more; chat together; and learn. All in a fully moderated, educational environment designed to build self-esteem and positive body image. Membership is just $29.95 for 12 months unlimited online access + 6 bimonthly issues of New Moon Girls print magazine.”

When you visit their website, you’ll know you’ve found a special place. Inviting, colorful and inspirational, they do a first-class job in appealing to your tween daughters, nieces and friends. Here’s just one small section from their home page; you can easily tell these good folks take what they do seriously.

www.NewMoon.com

Here’s a sample copy of their November/December magazine.

This is a terrific holiday gift idea for the tweens and young teen girls on your list. Don’t wait. www.NewMoon.com

Random thoughts this morning…. a little disjointed, but food for thought.  First, I want to applaud and recognize all parents of teenagers who have the courage of your convictions. As I talk to parents, peruse the web and consider the choices, decisions, and issues you face every day, I just want to recognize the difficulty of this job today. And I want to encourage you to keep the courage of your convictions… if you believe you are making the best choices and decisions that you can, that is the best you can do.

Let’s face it; our experiences just don’t translate in many ways to the experiences of our teenagers. This generation of digital natives has a profoundly different set of expectations around the way they gather information and use it.  Many parents are struggling to catch up themselves…. and struggling to find the right set of rules for their kids. The “generation gap” that was so obvious in the 60’s and 70’s is alive and well today, most obviously in the way the generations communicate and use technology.

Retraining required: I am in the (rather painful) process of switching from a PC to a Mac. Apple has a wonderful program called One-to-One where for $99 I can get all the personal training I can use for one year at my local Apple store. I am there regularly. And the first thing I say to my trainer, so far a different Gen Y-er every time, is “for me there is nothing natural about using a computer.”  It is a point of view, a way of thinking that is different from many young people today.  For them, this appears to be natural.  Mobile communication; instant communication; constant communication… natural for them. Unnatural for me.  I felt validated the other night when I overheard a customer explain his difficulties in working with his computer by saying “I’m old!”  Today’s language and medium is just different.

Cell phones and teens: Decisions around when to allow your teen a cell phone is just one classic example of the intersection of parental convictions and teens’ use of  technology.  This two part essay is written by a writer for the Wall St. Journal and his 14 year old son, each giving their point of view on the cell phone issue.  Levi, the son, shares some good reasons why it is time that he get his own cell phone…not the least of which he is quite literally the only kid he knows who doesn’t have one. And Steve, his Dad, shares why Levi doesn’t have one yet.

Here’s my point: Bravo to Steve for his convictions. Even if Levi is the only kid in his school without a cell phone, if his parents sincerely feel this is the right choice for their family, then I give them full credit for that. Too many parents get buffeted by the pressure and expectations of their kids and the expectations and norms in their community. I do believe we should listen to what our teens are saying…and recognize the norms and expectations in our community…and then make our personal decisions, even if they go against the tide.  That’s the kind of personal conviction that gets my respect.

iCurfew is a new iPhone app just announced this week from my colleague Vanessa Van Petten at Radical Parenting. I don’t have an i-phone, so I haven’t tested this out, but I really like the sound of it. I’ve been approached numerous times to write about various devices that monitor teens. I have declined so far because I

iCurfew iPhone app

don’t have the staff or ability to properly evaluate such products, and because  electronically monitoring teens feels really intrusive to me.  It might be right for you…. I just don’t want to go there.  iCurfew utilizes the built-in GPS feature in your iPhone and allows your teen to send a parent an email message that identifies their whereabouts.  What appears to be interesting about iCurfew is that they are encouraging kids to use it voluntarily as a way to confirm their location and keep honest communication open between teens and their parents.   If you have an i-phone and try it out, please share your comments here.

I won’t be holding my breath to hear from Levi or Steve on the matter, though.

Whether or not you are married to your teen’s other parent, disagreements are going to arise as you raise your teenagers. How to manage your way through these disagreements is a sensitive topic without clear answers. In my QUESTION OF THE WEEK at our Facebook “Parenting Teenagers” page I asked parents how they handle it when they disagree, and it was clear parents are looking for some direction on this.

Parenting teenagers requires us to examine and consider issues we haven’t faced before. How do you feel about premaritial sex? Your answer may be quite different when this moves from a theoretical discussion to one about your son or daughter. What is the right age at which you are able to leave your young teen home alone? To allow him to go to the football game with friends? To have a cell phone? To get her drivers license? To get a job? Some of these questions can be difficult to answer, and you may not know how you feel until you are faced with the questions. Be sure to give yourself time to be open to various points of view, consider alternatives and don’t be bullied into making quick decisions if you need more time or information. And understand that it isn’t realistic to expect that you and your teen’s other parent will agree on all issues.

How you handle it when you disagree has enormous impact on your teenager. I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. Donald Gordon last week, the creator of Parenting Wisely and Children in the Middle. An experienced psychologist and former university professor, his knowledge is steeped in research and facts, and one fact that he stated is highly relevant here: when parents manage their disagreements maturely and respectfully, kids thrive. Even in divorced families, kids can develop and thrive to the same degree as kids in intact families when the parents handle their disagreements and conflict in a relatively positive manner. It is vitally important that parents learn how to do this.

Dr. Michele Borba, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries shares her experience and recommendations on this topic. She points out that teens need to learn skills around negotiation and conflict resolution before they leave home, and like it or not, they are learning this from you. Better be sure you are modeling what you want your teen to see.

Here are some specific suggestions thanks to Dr Borba and others:

In situations between you and your teen’s other parent:

• Expect that you will disagree at times. Rather than focus on what you disagree on, find your common ground.
• Be very clear about your agreed-upon points. You can even consider posting them on the refrig!
• Aim for consistency… your kids need to know what to expect from each of you.
• When you and the other parent can’t find common ground, agree which parent will take the lead on a particular issue. Be specific and clear with your teen.
• Understand that if you fail to give your teen clear, consistent messages and direction, you are creating a wide chasm into which s/he can fall …caused by the parents’ failure to find resolutions.
• Do not ever undermine the authority of the other parent.
• Negotiations must be respectful. Yelling is not allowed. If necessary, give one another permission to walk away and continue when emotions are less volatile.
• Aim for a resolution. While teens dislike seeing bickering between parents, what is even worse is when parents fight and don’t resolve anything. Remember, you are modeling behavior that your teen is learning.
• If you can’t agree on anything, consider getting a mediator. This could be a family doctor, minister, relative, friend – anyone who cares about your kids and whom you are both willing to trust.

In situations between you, your teen, and his/her other parent:

• Whenever possible, include your teenager in the negotiation. This empowers your teen, let’s him know that you value and respect his opinion, and may open additional possibilities for compromise and resolution.
• Organize a regular family meeting where the whole family can discuss what is working and what isn’t. This is not only possible, but especially valuable if you are in a divorced home. With Skype and other available technologies today this is even possible when there are long distances between you.
• Allow feelings to be expressed. Encourage honesty. Nothing gets resolved if feelings are disallowed. This won’t always be pleasant or fun, but authentic interactions should be valued.
• Try to teach and model tact and sensitivity to other’s feelings.
• Identify your feelings aloud, understanding that kids are sometimes hyper-sensitive to criticism. They are also very tuned in to reading facial expressions, and are often wrong about what they interpret. Better to say how you are feeling: “I’m not angry; I’m just tired.” “I may look angry, but I’m really just frustrated.”
• Allow your teen the time to process in silence. Sometimes they need time to think things through before responding.
• Minimize your criticism. Try to lead with an open mind to encourage the cooperation you are hoping to achieve.

I’ve always said that raising teenagers requires really adult behavior from parents… and this isn’t always easy! When embroiled in a disagreement about behavior, values, rules or what-have-you, it can feel like a life and death situation. But, even if the other parent has a different belief than you do and you think s/he is dead wrong, your teen may be better off with a consistent and enforceable message -with which you disagree- rather than having no resolution or direction. In other words, you may have to back off at times. The most important thing is to make sure your teen doesn’t fall into any chasms that may exist between you. That would be irresponsible adult behavior.

Self help and inspirational literature seems to be the hot thing these days, and there surely is a lot to choose from!  Sometimes the right book can  provide much needed inspiration, guidance and hope.  If you are feeling as though you are having trouble getting through to your teenager, consider bringing in some outside voices. Your teen may be more open to hearing some of these messages from others, and the real-life stories about other teens can drive the points home in a big way.

There are many inspirational books for teenagers, some written by their peers and some written by the industry leaders. Here are a few good ones:

The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make for teens: Of course you know the famous father, Stephen Covey of 7 Habits fame, his son Sean has written The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make for teens.   The six big areas Covey focuses on involve getting a good education, choosing true friends, getting along with parents, dating and sex, avoiding addictions and establishing a sense of self-worth. The book is designed so that you don’t have to read it straight through; it is comfortable in its approach for teens and it includes graphics, cartoons, movie quotes as well as facts that should help even the most skeptical kid take heed.

What Color is Your Parachute for Teens; Discovering Yourself, Defining your Future... The classic by Richard Bolles has been recreated by Bolles  and career strategist Carol Christen.  The book is designed to guide teens to zero in on their favorite skills and apply that knowledge so they get the most out of school, set goals, and find their dream jobs. The book is filled with interactive exercises, worksheets, and profiles of young adults who have found their unique paths in life. If you are like me, there is comfort in coming back to new versions of reliable classics from experts we have relied upon for years.

The Success Prinicples for Teens: You know Jack Canfield of  “Chicken Soup” fame; more recently he published “The Success Principles” which some consider a classic in this genre.  He invited Kent Healy to apply the “success principles” for teenagers. This book includes 23 of the most important success strategies used by thousands of exceptional young people throughout history.  This book provides courage and heart and can be a boost to a teen who needs it to forge ahead.
Here’s  more info.

Kent Healy is an interesting story on his own.  Kent has been an entrepeneur since the age of 17, and his journey toward personal fulfillment and transformation had him at 22 teaching a high school class called The Science of Success. He is an inspirational speaker, author and columnist, young enough to have a voice that resonates with young people today.

What books can you recommend that have resonated with your teen?  Please share in the comments section.

Talking to your teens about sex is one of those things parents often dread; not all parents, just most of you. And yet, teaching your kids about sex is one of the most important jobs you have to do.

Sex is front and center every time you turn on the tube, go to the movies or see the magazines at the grocery check out. And sex is front and center in the brains of teenagers every day. But there is a time and place when these thoughts and feelings can be expressed, and there are other times when they need to be suppressed.  Adults know the parameters; kids need your coaching.

Dr Sharon Maxwell has a very helpful approach on this important subject.  Dr Maxwell is a psychologist and author of an excellent book on the subject: The Talk; A Breakthrough Guide to Raising Healthy Kids in an Oversexualized, Online, In-Your-Face World. She suggests that parents begin by framing the conversation about sex by discussing “desire” and “energy.”

Dr. Maxwell asks us to consider the power of “desire” and how many desires drive our behavior…desire for food, for pleasure, for safety, etc. She notes “Some desires, like the desire for food, we are born with; others, like sexual desire, only happen when our bodies are ready to reproduce. Learning to control our desires is a concept even young children can understand.  And we learn to control the energy around our desires and drives as we mature.

This is where her approach feels particularly creative and helpful.  Dr Maxwell says: “When we talk about desire as a form of energy, we open the door to a rich conversation about how this energy is activated, how it can be manipulated, and how we, as human beings, develop the muscle to control this energy. By giving our kids a way of understanding their relationship to all desires, we take sexual desire out of the domain of music videos, defuse the titillation, and show our kids that sex is just another, very important form of energy that we are responsible for learning how to control and direct.” (The Talk, pp 45 – 46)

So, consider how do any of us use, understand and communicate our sexual energy? How might a teen find appropriate ways to use, understand or communicate his/her sexual energy? Learning to control and direct sexual desire is like learning how to control and direct other kinds of desire…it requires developing the right muscles, self-discipline and being conscious of living your values.  Does this approach make talking about this topic feel easier to you?

Looking at sexual desire as “energy” also opens the door for discussions about the appropriate time and place for that energy to be expressed. Is  math class the best place for sexual energy to be expressed? Even your teen is likely to agree on that one.

Dr Maxwell has an excellent handout titled “Talking to Kids About Sex, Desire and the Power of  Sexy” from which I will provide a few excerpts.  I highly recommend her materials and am confident you will find her approach reassuring, comfortable and sensible.

1. Sexuality is a great and powerful source of energy. .. But with great power comes great responsibility and learning how to be a responsible adult means learning how to control and direct your sexual energy.

2. When your body first starts to become sexually mature the energy of your sexual feelings can be overwhelming. In the same way that you need to learn how to control the power of a car, you have to learn how to control the power of your sexual feelings.

3. Learning to control and direct the power of sexual desire takes the same kind of muscle as controlling angry feelings or hungry feelings, the power of self-discipline.

4. Sexual desire, and its complement, the ability to elicit sexual desire in others, are powerful forces. Like all desires, sexual desire can be manipulated by what you see, hear, feel and smell.

5. Advertisers manipulate people’s sexual feelings to get them to buy things. Teens are sold the idea that looking and acting sexy is a way to get power. Advertisers know that teens are insecure about their sexuality and that they can use that insecurity to sell products.

These are excellent conversation openers that frame this conversation in a way that is helpful, accurate, non-threatening and respectful.

Feelings matter. They matter in school, at work and at home. At some level, we all know this, but when money gets tight and/or there is pressure to meet concrete objectives, many people have a tendency to discount the importance of emotions and feelings, and just focus on getting the job done. But there is data that shows this approach is counter-productive. Let’s take a quick look again at the importance of “emotional intelligence” and Social Emotional Learning and why this should stay on your radar screen… this is as relevant and applicable within the walls of your home as it is in your teen’s school.

What is “emotional intelligence?” It is one’s ability to communicate well, to delay gratification, to tune in to another’s feelings and point of view,  to think before speaking, to consider your response before expressing it, and to solve problems. Although everyone can benefit from some instruction in this area, this kind of “intelligence” comes more naturally for some people than others.

Why is this kind of intelligence important? There is much research and data that demonstrates that emotional intelligence (“EQ”) is a better predictor than IQ for both professional and personal success. We now know that emotional intelligence is linked to:

• improved academic performance
• avoiding risk behaviors
• stronger friendships
• decrease in violent behavior
• staying in school… higher graduation rates
• less disruptive behavior; fewer discipline problems
• improving health, happiness and life success

Let’s examine the relevance of these points to both the school and home environments.

Emotional Intelligence and Social Emotional Learning at School

In a  school environment, SEL (Social  Emotional Learning) programs impact four aspects of the school climate and culture:  Empathy (feeling cared for), Accountability (sense of follow-through), Respect (considerate behavior) and Trust (belief in the people and institution.)  A positive school culture may be the most important determinant for a school’s overall success on all fronts….especially academic success.

The excellent video below describes Alaska’s approach in SEL programming and it does a great job in demonstrating why and how this positively impacts teenagers. (Trust me; it’s worth your viewing time.)  In it they report that Alaska has the highest levels of domestic violence and child abuse in the nation, per capita.  Many kids come to high school from situations at home that directly undermine their ability to focus on learning, so educators in this school have become aggressive in their approach to addressing kids’ emotional needs first, having learned that once they create an environment where the emotions are addressed, they can move on to the learning.  If you think the Alaska scenario doesn’t feel relevant to your teen’s situation, think again. Bullying and judgmental behavior occurs at most middle and high schools.  Your teens are likely to experience this too. Addressing the emotions kids feel and bringing feelings into the discussions in the classroom connects kids, deepens the learning and teaches them vital life skills.

Emotional Intelligence at Home:

How might we apply these concepts at home? Consider the four elements of a school-based SEL program and consider how you apply these in your home:

• Empathy: How is your teen feeling about your empathy for his feelings? Are you tuned in to what is going on in his life? Do you have a sense of what he is feeling? While you may feel that your teen is pushing you away, he also needs to know how much you care.  Find a new way to open up conversations, if necessary.  This may take creativity and perseverance on your part.
• Accountability: Do you hold her accountable to do her chores, come home on time, participate in your family’s day-to-day life? Allowing her to get away with selfish behavior  is doing her no favors in the long run, even though it may feel like you are giving her what she demands.  Teaching your teens emotionally intelligent behavior requires you to think long term and not take the easy way out.
• Respect: Does he feel that you treat him with respect? When was the last time you heard him out rather than imposed your point of view on him?
• Trust: Do you trust her? If you cannot trust her consider the first three bullets in this list. Then you’ll  need to exercise some emotional intelligence yourself as you communicate, tune into feelings, listen carefully and problem-solve together.

Both at home and at school, it’s essential that teens know that feelings matter. When they learn to integrate their feelings with their brains they can concentrate, think and express themselves better. As one program director put it,  “We’re talking about a whole new vision of education that says educating the heart is as important as educating the mind.”

Sounds about right to me.

When the television media wants to interview me it’s usually not a political reporter, but I like (WBZ-TV’s) Jon Keller’s approach. When the Massachusetts state house began discussing imposing a parental consent requirement on kids under 18 who seek tattoos and/or body pierces, he wanted to speak with a parenting-teens expert about the topic. Here’s the clip from last evening’s news:

WBZ interview on Teens and Body Piercing

Of course, most of our interview landed on the cutting room floor, so let me tell you about this discussion. It’s a good one to think about.  Jon Keller often reports on what he calls the “Nanny State” …in this case government regulating what parents should be managing. And he asked me if regulating an age of consent has merit in this case.

What has merit, is parents – or somebody – advising kids to help them avoid choices they will regret. Will all kids regret their choice of piercing or tattooing? No; and some parents choose to have them too. There is nothing inherently wrong in it. For the parents who do object to tattoos and pierces, they usually object because they are difficult to un-do.

Parents have an important role to play here in guiding your teens to delay such choices until they are older; in fact, as I say in the interview, this is parents’ job. Due to teens’ brain development they do tend to be impulsive and are not well equipped to see the long term consequences for their actions. Parents have to put the brakes on in many areas,  this is just another example. You buy time and allow them to mature and develop, as they change their tastes and appearance and interests…until they have enough responsibility to make their own good decisions. In the case of tattooing and piercing 18 is probably a good age for such a decision.

Parents who are having such discussions with their teens might consider the following advice:

• Discuss this when everyone is calm; don’t do it when emotions are high,
• Allow your teen to express himself – even outlandishly if that is what he wants – using means that aren’t permanent. Let him dye his hair blue!
• Emphasize that you are not trying to control her by saying “no,” rather you are guiding her because you care so much and don’t want her to make a choice she will regret.
• Negotiate a compromise… give him permission on something else he wants that isn’t so bothersome to you.

If your teen is going to go ahead and get a pierce or tattoo anyway…and you are going to allow yourself to lose this argument, accompany her. Make sure the place is clean and meets your standards.  Also, negotiate the location of the tattoo or pierce… preferably in location that will be hidden by normal clothing.

In a perfect world parents wouldn’t need the state to make parental consent guidelines because parents and teens would talk and discuss such decisions.

We don’t live in a perfect world, however, so if the state puts up a barrier that will slow down this for kids, I’m for it.

Read my recent 2 Minute Tip Don’t be Bullied by Your Teen

You’re Empowered! Parenting Teens with Conviction, Communication and Love has been named as a top-three finalist for a 2009 Benjamin Franklin Award for best audiobook-nonfiction. The Benjamin Franklin Awards are among the most respected Book Awards in the country and recognize excellence in both editorial and design. The award is administered by the Independent Book Publishers Association, IBPA, (formerly PMA) with the help of industry professionals coming from the library, bookstore, reviewer, designer, publicity and editorial markets.

I am a big fan of audio content. Commuters, runners and parents who spend hours in the car each week transporting kids have great opportunities to listen to valuable and beneficial audio programming. I developed this program so parents can listen when it’s convenient for you, and the 28 page workbook accompanies the audio so that you can revisit the concepts and make some notes. The Parents’ Action Tool makes the program even more concrete and actionable. This program is created for typical parents with typical teens.

This 3-hour audiobook (available as an MP3 download or as a 3-CD set) looks at parenting teens through a communications framework because I believe the key to raising teenagers is good communication.

• The first CD is titled De-Mystifying Teens. In it we examine three Growth and Development Factors and three Invisible Motivators. When parents understand more about why kids behave the way they do, it is easier to understand your teen and find ways to motivate, communicate and support them.

• The second hour is titled simply Improving Communication. Here we look at obstacles to communication and common mistakes that parents make. Then we look at how parents can improve your listening skills, and various approaches and tactics to improve your communication effectiveness. For the most part, parents don’t need to rework your approach…improving communication is a matter of making little tweaks and adjustments. This feels very doable using these relatively simple tactics.

• In the third hour of the program we look at Keeping Your Teens Safe from Risky Behavior. Examining risky behavior through a communications lens is a unique approach, and a very valid one. It is through effective communication that parents have the best possibility to influence kids and diminish tendencies for experimentation. We examine alcohol use, drug use and sexual activity, providing a combination of facts and communication approaches that parents can use.

Creating this audiobook was a ton of fun…and it was a bigger challenge than I had imagined. Honestly, it felt a bit surreal when I found myself in a sound studio last summer… I love public speaking but I had never imagined myself in a recording studio before! Erik Kilburn at Wellspring Sound in Acton, MA proved to be a great co-producer for the program and helped me craft it so I’m very proud of the end result. Lynne Griffin, a dear friend and colleague provided some excellent consultation and pushed me to make the content clear and concrete. My graphic designer, Susan Williams designed the cover and the workbook. The 28-page workbook is a valuable product by itself!

I look forward to attending the Benjamin Franklin Awards on May 28 in New York City. The product is competing in a broad category – audiobooks/nonfiction – so it is competing with two other programs that have nothing to do with parenting at all. It will be interesting to see what happens…and if I win I’ll be sure to announce it here!

Listen to an audio excerpt from the program introduction as well as download the Parents’ Action Tool, which is included the program.

We’re releasing the press release today. If you are in the media and would like a copy of this audiobook for a possible review please call me or drop me an email. More info, including a company fact sheet, bio etc is posted in the Press Kit area of this site. Or you can click to see the Press Release, Q & A and a Parenting Tips page from the workbook.