How do you resolve it when you don’t see eye- to eye?

My twenty-year-old and I are facing an issue, and things aren’t pretty right here right now. I guess it was bound to happen; the summer “honeymoon” with the kids home (23, 20) has been heaven on earth so far. I knew the bubble would burst, and it has. Life goes on… “joy and woe are woven fine.” Indeed.

How do you resolve it when you just don’t see eye to eye on an issue? This isn’t really a place where compromise is an option; and the chasm between my point of view and hers is rather deep.

When I try to broach our difficult topic I try to follow all the rules….I speak slowly and calmly; I sit down next to her; I use “I” statements that tell her how I feel; I ask her how she feels and what she thinks is the best solution.

Guess what happens? It’s such a sensitive topic she accuses me of being judgmental and inflexible, of saying things I haven’t said. I don’t see it that way.

But that’s just the point. We don’t see it the way the other sees it.

Will this issue take care of itself if we do nothing? I suppose. Life goes on. Is it important that I try again to get her to hear what I’m trying to say? Maybe. Am I hearing what she has to say? I think so. She doesn’t.

Like I said; we don’t see eye to eye.

Families don’t always resolve things into nice neat little packages, do we?

Life goes on.

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I recently conducted a tele-seminar about improving communication between parents and teens and presented various approaches, strategies and tips such as:

• Focus on connection more than communication,
• You’re the adult…you may need to meet your teen more than half-way,
• Expect to utilize indirect communication methods at times,
• Become good at reading all kinds of communication from your teen – body language, the emotions that underlie the words, his behavior, his friends’ behavior, etc.
• It’s okay to negotiate on negotiable topics,
• Allow her to express her opinions,
• Treat him with respect no matter what,
• Invest in the emotional bank account you share…

…all of which are great and appropriate strategies.

And then I received this e-mail message:

My wife and I called into today’s tele-seminar and found the information you presented very helpful. The one comment I would like to make is that all your recommendations for listening to, and communicating with, our teens are well understood and make plenty of sense. The difficult part is to apply the “courteous” listening & responding skills while you’re receiving the total opposite in return. I fully understand that we have to be the “mature” side of the conversation, but this is often very difficult to put into action. It often seems like we’re trying to remain calm and understanding while receiving a verbal “slap in the face”, and turning the other cheek is a hard thing to do. I guess it’s a skill that must be constantly practiced.

This warrants a direct reply. Your feelings deserve respect, too!

“Turning the other cheek” is a “skill that must be constantly practiced,” AND I recognize that this can be difficult and feel very unfair and one-sided to parents who are receiving a regular “slap-in-the-face” from their teenager. There are times turning the other cheek may not be the best strategy. Let’s explore this further.

When kids are non-communicative or very negative with parents over a period of time, one needs to assess what is really going on. We need to explore if:

• this child is in trouble and is in need of intervention,
• we are in some way fostering this communication breakdown
• it’s time we stand our ground and no longer accept unacceptable behavior.

It is necessary to analyze both his behavior, and ours.

Why do teenagers communicate negatively with their parents? There may be many possible reasons that are all about him:

• Teens are going through major changes, and major stresses. If he is feeling badly, or under more pressure than he can handle, he may want to act out and express his discomfort. It is possible that the only place he feels comfortable enough to act out, knowing that in the long term he is unlikely to damage the relationship, is with his parents. In this case, because of your good relationship, you become the recipient of his bad behavior.
• It is also possible that he is acting out toward his parents because he is frustrated with the relationships, rules, expectations, communication style or some other elements in family life.
• He may be feeling stress, or emotions that he doesn’t understand or can’t handle, and he may not feel under control about how, when, and to whom this is expressed.
• He may be dealing with serious issues at school, with friends, even with drugs, alcohol or other major influences.
• He may be facing depression, or feeling really badly about himself for reasons you don’t understand.
• He may want to reach out and ask for help, but feels uncomfortable or unwilling to do so.

There is a developmental aspect to the parent-directed negativity that teenagers often project. As teenagers are striving for independence, they may perceive their parents as the obstacles that stand between them and their grown-up selves. You’ll undoubtably have seen instances when you have had your teenager reject your great suggestion only to implement it later on - but on his own terms. You see, in teens’ search for power, they sometimes feel that if they accept what their parents say, they have failed in some way. It feels like regression. It feels like he has let himself down in the critical job of gaining his independence. This can set up some rather strong feelings of negativity toward parents, who are innocently trying to support their teen. Seen in this context, we can understand that sometimes negative communication isn’t about the parents at all, but all about the teens. And it can fall under the category of “normal” teen behavior.

Consider if this negativity is a signal of more serious problems: Negativity, bad attitudes and an angry demeanor can be a signal that there are deeper problems that need addressing, and parents should be proactive in figuring this out. This behavior can result from various root causes, one of which is depression. You should know that depression in teenagers sometimes presents not in the affect parents might expect, but in angry outbursts.

Experts advise that parents evaluate their teenager’s behavior in terms of duration, frequency and intensity: How long has she been acting this way? How extensive and dramatic is this change in her behavior? How frequently do you see this behavior? You will want to consider these important questions as you begin to analyze the situation.

While you are engaging in information gathering, consider the strategy I call “circling the wagons.” This refers to speaking to important adults with whom your teen interacts on a regular basis. It may be beneficial to contact the school counselor and teachers, coaches or other significant adults in the school. Speak with faith leaders, adult friends, aunts and uncles…find out about the attitude and demeanor your teenager expresses to others. Do things seem amiss, or does he just save his nastiness for you? As you begin to gain a more thorough understanding of his state of mind, you can develop an appropriate strategy that may or may not include professional assistance.

Assess your communication and family dynamics: An honest assessment of your family dynamics should be included in this analysis. Families are intimately connected, and problems that show up in one person may indicate larger, more systemic issues that need to be addressed. Does your teenager receive enough loving attention? Does she feel safe and well cared for? Are there issues of competition or undue stress, unfair expectations, needs that are not being met? Try to be as honest as possible as you gather information about if and how you might be enabling and contributing to the communication breakdown. Again, you may be effective in doing this analysis yourself, and you may benefit from professional assistance.

Parents don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior: Lastly, and importantly, parents should not be treated poorly! If you don’t treat your teenager disrespectfully, then you should not have to tolerate disrespectful behavior either. You will gain your teenager’s respect when you stand up for yourself. Parents as doormats is an unproductive strategy, and one that is not recommended.

The most productive communication will take place when calmness reigns. It may be time to have an honest discussion together, and if you set things up right this can be an opportunity to uncover important feelings and share honestly. Perhaps a family meeting is in order. Schedule it in advance. Let participants know that this is not to be dreaded, and that you just want to have a meeting of the minds. Be calm, non-judgmental and ready to listen to all family members. Speak in sentences that begin with “I.” You have a right to your feelings and you can express them.

Get support yourself: Parents need to take care of themselves, too, and this is very important to remember. Self-care may include stress-relieving activities, information gathering activities, developing outside interests of your own, as well as support and discussion with other parents of teenagers. You will likely discover that similar dynamics have been experienced in most other households with teens; you’ll also discover that despite your feelings of despair when things get bad, good times do come again, and family relationships can again blossom into joyful connections.

Parents do need to give more than 50%…and all of the strategies at the top of this article are important and valid. But we should recognize that most families go through times of turmoil and challenge, and things get hard at times. As you objectively analyze the factors that are contributing to the negative communication environment, the best strategies will emerge.

Here are links to previous articles that may provide additional help:

When Your Gut Says “Get Help” What Do You Do?

Teenagers and Depression

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For those of you working with the middle or high school age group, one issue you often face is how to involve their parents more. For a variety of reasons parents appear to have less involvement when their kids are in secondary school. This issue has been the topic of discussion in many previous articles,(see parent involvement category) and one essential element that enhances parent involvement is creating a welcoming attitude and atmosphere.

I was delighted earlier this month when I spoke at CAJE (an annual conference by the Coalition for the Advancement of Jewish Education) and met Dr. Ron Wolfson. He has authored a book all about this titled… The Spirituality of Welcoming…How to Transform your Congregation into a Sacred Community. Although the book is focused on Jewish synagogues, his observations and recommendations are relevant to anyone who is concerned about creating a “welcoming” atmosphere; and it’s exciting to learn from someone who has thoroughly studied this element of our institutions.

It reminded me of a concept that I promote when I’m speaking to educators. I encourage people to “think big and think small.” By “Think Big” I mean to encourage you to develop system-wide approaches to enhance the welcoming attitude at your school, church, synagogue etc. For example:

By “think small” I encourage you to be thoughtful about your own behavior:

Want to explore this topic more? Let me hear your thoughts.

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This is week 4 of my Communications Course for parents of teenagers. Each week in this course I’ve been focusing on a different aspect of communication with teenagers. I encourge you to begin at week 1 (scroll down until you come to the first article in this series) and try these action steps one week at a time as they build on one another.

Step 4: Get comfortable with indirect communication techniques

Have you ever gotten the feeling that your teenager doesn’t want to talk to you? That he or she isn’t listening to you? (Could I guess the answer to those questions..?!) This can be a real sticking place for parents because you know that there are certain things that need to be communicated, yet you wonder how on earth that can happen when there is precious little communication taking place between you and your teen. There is an answer: use indirect communication techniques.

First, let me say, if the situation described above feels familiar to you, know that you are in the good company of literally millions of other parents. Communication between parents and teens is different than - and more challenging than - it was when kids were younger. This is not necessarily a reflection on you, nor is it an indication that you are doing something wrong. Teens are interested in establishing their independence…and the more they rely on you the more this works against their quest for independence. [I could go on a lot more about this, but it’s addressed in many other articles here and in my book.] Teens would often rather confide in their friends than their parents. When they hold their information, feelings, experiences and thoughts as private, and separate from their family they feel more powerful, more in control, more independent. You can see that this is more about them than it is about you. So don’t take their lack of communication as a personal failure on your part. What you need to do is learn to work within this new framework.

The question becomes “How do you provide the guidance and support teens need if and when they don’t want to be in dialogue with you?” Answer: parents need to develop new skills. And they really aren’t that hard to learn. We’ve already covered several of them in the previous articles in this series, now let’s review indirect communication.

You’ll see I’ve listed several indirect methods below. First, let me tell you why indirect methods work: 1.) you get to slip in your information despite your teen’s reluctance to communicate; 2.) in indirect communication your teen is more apt to listen - and even discuss - because they aren’t feeling put on the spot; 3.) these indirect tactics require you to plan your interaction in advance and be more thoughtful about it; 4.) indirect approaches like these may give your teen the opportunity to consider his/her response more carefully.

Here are some indirect tactics to use:

Have you ever noticed that a dog will turn away from too much direct eye contact? Kids are the same way; they don’t like to feel scrutinized, and too much direct communication makes them extremely uncomfortable. Get good at some indirect methods and you’ll find you can cover the ground you need to cover as you guide, teach, and listen to your growing teenager.

This week’s assignment: Pick one or two of the strategies above and try it out. Be conscious and thoughtful about planning your message and getting it across through an indirect strategy. Note how it works. Choose another strategy to use next week, and consider bringing all of these strategies into your repertoire over the next few weeks. And - please let me know how you’re doing!

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