Reflections on the Long and Winding Road of Raising a Son
January 9th, 2010 by Sue Blaney
The last month has been overwhelming as a mother; joyous, exciting and filled with emotion. My son made it; he graduated from college last month, an event and accomplishment that was hard-earned and filled with challenge. I 
admit there must have been some doubts that it was a day we would see, because the joy feels greater and more sustained than I would have expected. I want to say to everyone I see “You are looking at the mother of a college graduate!,” and I do say it probably more than I should. Some of my friends smile to themselves with a subtle smirk of “Why is this such a big deal? My kid – same age as yours – has been out for a couple of years.” But their response doesn’t dampen my joy or rain on my parade. He did it. And that is all that matters. The world has a new, excited, engaged and talented civil engineer, and he will go great places. As I reflect on our dynamic journey with this marvelous young man, I have learned a thing or two.
Believe in your intuition and be an advocate
The annual cleaning out of the file cabinet last week yielded a large file that looked ready for serious pruning. Upon closer inspection I saw it was my son’s file, with report cards back to junior high, and paper after paper telling a compelling story about our struggles. As I read through them I was overwhelmed by a wash of feelings as I was reminded of what we experienced… memories that make his current accomplishment even more sweet. Embodied in the large file of papers were records of our struggles… and they were our struggles, as there were times I had to be his voice… he wasn’t even aware of the problem. I was reminded of the special testing, the confusing results, the myriad conversations with school counselors, psychologists, and experts. Never a behavior problem, he was the polite kid who would fall between the cracks, underperforming but not being “bad” enough to raise anyone’s eyebrows but ours. His self-confidence suffered, but he was uncomfortable with attention and scrutiny, and it was difficult to diagnose the problem. Not only did it feel like I was fighting with and intruding upon him, I felt like I was fighting the system, and even his Dad who felt uncomfortable with psychologists and anything other than a message of “straighten up.” But my intuition told me there was more going on than was obvious… and I was right. It was an uphill battle over several years, but eventually the support that facilitated the success he was capable of came through, and the positive results began to emerge. Some learning disabilities are subtle, and difficult to diagnose.
There are times to step back and allow his journey to unfold
As I speak to parents of other boys, we so often marvel at how different their college experience is compared to our daughters. I don’t know if the statistics bear that out, but the personal journeys of many families I’ve spoken to do. The boys who wander their way through college – and make parents crazy with worry – are on a different path than those who know their mission and go straight for it. We had to swallow hard to deal with our emotions when he stepped off the college track on his way through, and yet it was his journey to live, and his lessons had to be learned. We couldn’t subvert that process. Just like we couldn’t take his classes or make his daily choices. Was it working at minimum wage jobs that told him the value of the college education? Or was it that he learned he was in the wrong major? Or was it he simply had to mature a bit? Maybe it was a combination of all three and more… but we had to let go of our schedule and needs which was, at times, very difficult. I confess to more than our share of sleepless nights despite the fact that we were 2000 miles away. And what about that? Was the distance part of the problem, or was it going to help him find his solution? There are so many unknowns as you travel this path.
Appreciate and celebrate who he is at his core
One thing we always did well was appreciate what makes him tick. We didn’t ask him to be someone other than who he is… and of course more of that unfolded along the way through his extended college years. He has a deep physical and psychological need to be outdoors, connected to it through physical exertion. He is happiest when he is screaming down the sides of mountains on skiis or a bike; this physical challenge is a need that is in his DNA. I’m sure when he’s 65 he will still be skiing in the back country, sleeping in snow caves and teaching safety in avalanche country. There were times when those gifts didn’t seem as important to us as the calculus quiz or thermodynamics grade, but in the big picture of his life they are probably far more important. And I’m happy we encouraged him to explore and develop these important parts of him.
His graduation party was at 10,000 feet; an outdoor tailgate party in the mountains of Colorado in December. 25 young people and six dogs celebrated his accomplishment; we ate and drank and skied all day. And we celebrated – in his language and in his world of joy – not only his achievement, but the magnificent person he is today.
This entry was posted on Saturday, January 9th, 2010 at 3:32 pm and is filed under Tips and Tools. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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January 10th, 2010 at 3:22 am
I can relate! Our middle child turned 18 today. He’s a senior in HS and what you wrote about the school journey struck a cord! He’s done better since we changed schools, but he could do much better if he took ADD medicine…but he doesn’t want to and we haven’t forced it since 9th grade. I’m concerned about college, but taking it a step at a time.
Congratulations on your son’s graduation from college!
January 27th, 2010 at 5:54 pm
Unbelievable.. this could have been my son– our adventure– you were talking about. He’s just started college and I worry a lot of the time how he’s really doing, since he won’t let on what’s going on with him, beyond the skiing and outdoors stuff he’s so drawn to. Thanks for bringing a knowing smile to my face and a certain reassurance that others have gone through the same angst and yet, it does turn out okay.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:19 am
I’m in tears tonight as we struggle with our 13 year old son and his schoolwork. He struggles with organization, self esteem, and pressures from kids that have more than he does. He says he doesn’t do his schoolwork because he doesn’t care/it doesn’t matter. I know him and find that hard to believe. I am having trouble finding resources to help but your story does give me hope and encouragement to keep looking so thank you. If you do have ideas if where to start, I would appreciate it.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:23 pm
Amy… somedays parenting is really hard, isn’t it?! I feel for you as I too went through some tough spells. First, let me say that your son isn’t the only 13 year old who struggles with organization, self-esteem and social problems; in fact if you think being the parent of a teenager is hard, being a teenager may be even more difficult. AND it is entirely possible that what he is going thru falls completely in the bounds of “normal” for a teen. But, I don’t know that for sure from your comment. You ask for a lead to resources… I think one of the best resources for parents in your situation is the school counselor. They are in the unique position of seeing teens his age every day, and s/he can also see your son in a context that is very different than the way you see him. It is not uncommon for kids his age to behave VERY differently at school than at home, so you can benefit from gathering info from adults who see him at school. I encourage you to meet with his counselor, discuss your concerns and questions and together you will be able to develop a strategy to help him.
You will also find lots of helpful information here on this website that will help you. And you could benefit from my audio program (just won the Mom’s Choice award) because I discuss what is “normal” teen behavior, and how you can improve communication with your teen. You could also benefit from joining a parent discussion group – (see the Rollercoaster video) so you don’t feel so alone.
It’s a journey…take a deep breath and stick with it. Your son obviously has a mom who cares deeply and that will go a long way to getting you all through the tough periods. Good luck!
My best – Sue Blaney
February 26th, 2010 at 4:22 pm
Although I was not able to get Roswell High School interested in the rollercoaster, somehow high school parents found me and as luck would have it most of these moms have sons. As I run this group I am benefiting from learning what is “normal” for high school boys. And it is completey different from our senior daughter that heads to Wake Forest in the fall. Many boys seem to struggle more, be far less connected and perhaps drift along while we worry about where their going and how they’ll get there. I did not really know about your experience with your son, thanks for sharing it. My intention as the mom of a 9th grade son is to believe that whatever path he takes he will get where he’s supposed to be. Having the opportunity to get connected with other moms on this topic has been a godsend for all of us in the group and how stunning that our boys all seem to share many of the same cavemen traits that worry us so much. As we march into chapter 4, I know that we all sleep just a little better knowing that we are not alone and that are kids are maybe not REALLY loners just taking the time to find their way in their own time.