Communication Changes… and Personal Interactions Still Take Precedence
November 19th, 2009 by Sue Blaney
I hear many parents of teenagers express concern about their teens’ over-use of cellphones, computers etc. to communicate with their friends. Parents say “I’m worried our kids are not developing skills for inter-personal communication. They spend too much time texting and IM’ing and writing on Facebook…”
Yes, but. New research says not to worry. The technological tools that enable us to connect with one another online, are helping us to increase our personal, in-the-flesh connections too.
I have huge empathy for the parents of teenagers who are struggling to understand, use and embrace these new forms of communication. I spend every day trying to figure it all out myself! And for me, not being a digital native, this does not come naturally. But we have a choice; we can be like my older brother who says “hell will freeze over before I join Facebook” or we can go with the flow and invest some time in learning about the new world. The train has left the station, the question is are you on board?
If you are currently parenting teens, I think your choice is obvious. If you don’t figure out how to play this game, your kids will leave you behind. And you won’t be in a position to support, guide or help them… and the fact is, they need you.
Here’s a quote from Trendwatching.com in their December report. One of the major trends they identify is what they call “Mass Mingling.” (It’s #5 here. )
“More people than ever will be living large parts of their lives online in 2010. Yet, those same people will also mingle, meet up, and congregate more often with other ‘warm bodies’ in the offline world.
In fact, social media and mobile communications are fueling a MASS MINGLING that defies virtually every cliché about diminished human interaction in our ‘online era’.
So, forget (for now) a future in which the majority of consumers lose themselves in virtual worlds. Ironically the same technology that was once seen to be—and condemned for—turning entire generations into homebound gaming zombies and avatars, is now deployed to get people out of their homes.
Basically, the more people can get their hands on the right info, at home and on the go; the more they date and network and twitter and socialize online, the more likely they are to eventually meet up with friends and followers in the real world. Why? Because people actually enjoy interacting with other warm bodies, and will do so forever.”
This entry was posted on Thursday, November 19th, 2009 at 3:02 pm and is filed under Tips and Tools. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 19th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
I encourage the use of facebook with my boys to a certain extent. It’s adapting parenthood to technology.
Happy holidays,
Katrina Russo
New Shop.com Facebook Connect: https://www.shop.com/%5Flfb-login-myaccount.xhtml
November 25th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
I disagree with this advice. It does not agree with a larger body of research and does not distinguish between 13/14 year olds and their use of the internet and 17/18 year olds. There would be very different expectations and limits. As for “the train has left the station” mentality, I find this to be the mind set present in many poor parenting situations. Parents use it to abdicate, not adjust, their parenting responsibilities. We can do better than this article would lead us to. The more we know about our children and these networks, the more we will understand how unnecessary and detrimental they can be.
November 27th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Jan, thank you for your comment and for sharing another point of view. You bring up an excellent point about rules and behavior on the internet being different depending on the age of the teenagers – I completely agree.
I’m not sure you are reading my point behind the “This train has left the station” as I intend it, however. If you go back to that article, my point is parents who fall behind in understanding and utilizing the technology that your kids are exposed to are missing the opportunity to provide vital guidance for those teens. Our world is moving on in terms of technology… we can’t stop it, we can’t slow it down, and it isn’t going to wait for us. It’s our choice to be informed, or not. We don’t even have to like it. But, it is my belief that as responsible parents we owe it to our kids to invest time in becoming good guides for them.
There are circumstances, however, where the “train has left the station” mentality can correlate to an abdication of responsibilities… creating real problems. Alcohol consumption is the most obvious example that
comes to mind. Parents who take the “it’s inevitable” attitude are setting their kids up for trouble and behaving irresponsibly. MIght we agree on that point?
November 30th, 2009 at 3:49 am
When I teach Positive Parenting classes I encourage interpersonal contact to be #1 with children/teens. However, there are many instances where there is NO connection of any kind. In that case, I encourage parents to use texting and emailing as an “entry level” connection rather than a conflicting dis-connection. I see it as a possible building block to a better relationship rather than communication block with additional conflict. It can be a tool to encourage a more fulfilling relationship.
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:44 am
Sue,
Thanks for a positive, interesting dialogue. When I take issue with the “train has left the station” argument, I mean that we as parents, particularly of younger teens, still decide what does and does not come into our homes and lives. Our 13-, 14-, 15-year-olds do not need to have facebook pages, texting and unsupervised web access. Because they ask and plead does not mean they need it. Because lots of other people give in does not need we should. Our children need our time and attention, time outdoors, time to be bored, read, engage in real interactions with others, and many other things that social networking and technological connections do not help with. (And the materialism and consumerism having the newest gadget engenders is a whole other interesting discussion.) The news of abuse of texting, sexting and cyberbullying should be enough to remind us that these are not adults… they don’t have finished prefrontal cortexes with which to make judgement decisions. We as parents are supposed to do that by saying no at times (as we should to alcohol). Your comment sends the message that these devices and sites are in our lives so you better get on board and just monitor as best you can. All I’m saying is, that is not our only option. We can say no to things that are not best for our teens, particularly while they are younger teens.
I appreciate the opportunity to think on these things and get your thoughts.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
I’d be interested in your thoughts on “Online Disinhibition Effect” – here’s one article of many -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Online_disinhibition_effect
Thanks.
December 5th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Jan – this is a very interesting discussion, and we agree far more than we disagree, in fact as this conversation continues I don’t think we do disagree, we are probably just each focusing on different points of emphasis.
I completely agree that we as parents need to play a BIG role in what outside elements come into our kids’ lives… particularly in the case of younger teens. I like to encourage parents to “Counter the culture”… meaning it’s up to parents to ensure they are offering up alternatives to the influences to which their kids are exposed. Parents need to be intentional and thoughtful about the “culture” we create in our homes, and we must believe we have the power and authority (and responsibility) to do that.
I also agree completely that kids need down time, time to be bored, read, entertain themselves… and especially be outdoors. In fact, I advocate a time limit on “screen time” and feel that we should all probably adhere to some time limits on that (and as I sit here on a saturday afternoon on my computer I’m aware that I know many adults who are habitually getting on our computers too much, probably!)
So, as in all things, BALANCE is what makes sense. Too much of anything is often not good for us. And kids especially need some guidance on how to find it. I suppose one of the challenges that makes this difficult is all the expanding technologies, new info, new forms of entertainment and ways to connect with others on the internet. Some of these applications are wonderful, or at least tempting, and it’s easy for all of us to get sucked in to too much computer time. Kids included.
The article you reference about “online disinhibition effect” is fascinating. It’s interesting they have names for these various effects. We have a lot to learn about the changes in communication that are taking place due to the technological changes in our world. And a point I keep coming back to, is I want the parents of the teenagers to stay caught up with their kids in this arena, not fall behind, so kids can get exactly the kind of guidance that it sounds you value as well.
Thanks for the dialogue! :>