When Teens’ Parents Disagree

Whether or not you are married to your teen’s other parent, disagreements are going to arise as you raise your teenagers. How to manage your way through these disagreements is a sensitive topic without clear answers. In my QUESTION OF THE WEEK at our Facebook “Parenting Teenagers” page I asked parents how they handle it when they disagree, and it was clear parents are looking for some direction on this.

Parenting teenagers requires us to examine and consider issues we haven’t faced before. How do you feel about premaritial sex? Your answer may be quite different when this moves from a theoretical discussion to one about your son or daughter. What is the right age at which you are able to leave your young teen home alone? To allow him to go to the football game with friends? To have a cell phone? To get her drivers license? To get a job? Some of these questions can be difficult to answer, and you may not know how you feel until you are faced with the questions. Be sure to give yourself time to be open to various points of view, consider alternatives and don’t be bullied into making quick decisions if you need more time or information. And understand that it isn’t realistic to expect that you and your teen’s other parent will agree on all issues.

How you handle it when you disagree has enormous impact on your teenager. I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. Donald Gordon last week, the creator of Parenting Wisely and Children in the Middle. An experienced psychologist and former university professor, his knowledge is steeped in research and facts, and one fact that he stated is highly relevant here: when parents manage their disagreements maturely and respectfully, kids thrive. Even in divorced families, kids can develop and thrive to the same degree as kids in intact families when the parents handle their disagreements and conflict in a relatively positive manner. It is vitally important that parents learn how to do this.

Dr. Michele Borba, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries shares her experience and recommendations on this topic. She points out that teens need to learn skills around negotiation and conflict resolution before they leave home, and like it or not, they are learning this from you. Better be sure you are modeling what you want your teen to see.

Here are some specific suggestions thanks to Dr Borba and others:

In situations between you and your teen’s other parent:

• Expect that you will disagree at times. Rather than focus on what you disagree on, find your common ground.
• Be very clear about your agreed-upon points. You can even consider posting them on the refrig!
• Aim for consistency… your kids need to know what to expect from each of you.
• When you and the other parent can’t find common ground, agree which parent will take the lead on a particular issue. Be specific and clear with your teen.
• Understand that if you fail to give your teen clear, consistent messages and direction, you are creating a wide chasm into which s/he can fall …caused by the parents’ failure to find resolutions.
• Do not ever undermine the authority of the other parent.
• Negotiations must be respectful. Yelling is not allowed. If necessary, give one another permission to walk away and continue when emotions are less volatile.
• Aim for a resolution. While teens dislike seeing bickering between parents, what is even worse is when parents fight and don’t resolve anything. Remember, you are modeling behavior that your teen is learning.
• If you can’t agree on anything, consider getting a mediator. This could be a family doctor, minister, relative, friend – anyone who cares about your kids and whom you are both willing to trust.

In situations between you, your teen, and his/her other parent:

• Whenever possible, include your teenager in the negotiation. This empowers your teen, let’s him know that you value and respect his opinion, and may open additional possibilities for compromise and resolution.
• Organize a regular family meeting where the whole family can discuss what is working and what isn’t. This is not only possible, but especially valuable if you are in a divorced home. With Skype and other available technologies today this is even possible when there are long distances between you.
• Allow feelings to be expressed. Encourage honesty. Nothing gets resolved if feelings are disallowed. This won’t always be pleasant or fun, but authentic interactions should be valued.
• Try to teach and model tact and sensitivity to other’s feelings.
• Identify your feelings aloud, understanding that kids are sometimes hyper-sensitive to criticism. They are also very tuned in to reading facial expressions, and are often wrong about what they interpret. Better to say how you are feeling: “I’m not angry; I’m just tired.” “I may look angry, but I’m really just frustrated.”
• Allow your teen the time to process in silence. Sometimes they need time to think things through before responding.
• Minimize your criticism. Try to lead with an open mind to encourage the cooperation you are hoping to achieve.

I’ve always said that raising teenagers requires really adult behavior from parents… and this isn’t always easy! When embroiled in a disagreement about behavior, values, rules or what-have-you, it can feel like a life and death situation. But, even if the other parent has a different belief than you do and you think s/he is dead wrong, your teen may be better off with a consistent and enforceable message -with which you disagree- rather than having no resolution or direction. In other words, you may have to back off at times. The most important thing is to make sure your teen doesn’t fall into any chasms that may exist between you. That would be irresponsible adult behavior.