Texting, Sexting; What’s On Your Teen’s Phone?

March 5th, 2009 by Sue Blaney

If you are like me, you may be amazed that one kid can send 6,473 text messages in one month. But what I find even more surprising are the number of young people involved in “sexting” – this is the new popular term for sending and receiving messages and images with sexual connotations. In a revealing study titled “Sex and Tech” conducted by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and Cosmo Girl, we learn that

37% of teen girls and 40% of teen boys are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages, and
22% of teen girls and 18% of teen boys have sent or posted nude or semi-nude pictures or video of themselves.

Where does this behavior come from? Let’s consider four possible explanations:

1.) Age-appropriate experimentation: Teenagers are in an important developmental stage as they figure out who they are and who they want to be. This is part of their job as adolescents; they are moving out from under parents’ wings and preparing to go out into the world as their own, separate and independent beings. During the teen years they often experiment with various personas… am I like Britney? Am I like my older cousin Jamie? You may see your teen change her look, her friends, her activities during this natural and important exploration process. It makes sense that some of this experimentation will take place over and through the communication channels that they utilize, including texting and on the computer. Just because they experiment with a sexual message or image doesn’t mean that they truly believe this is who they are… they may just be trying the image out to see how it feels. While you may be disturbed by a sexual innuendo or risky image that your teen projects in a message, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve failed in teaching her values, she just might be in need of more discussion and guidance. Some amount of experimentation with one’s image is perfectly “normal” for teens.

2.) Indirect communication: Because texting is not face-to-face communication, it feels one step removed, possibly one step safer than a personal come-on. Consider that even adult communication changes when we are not face to face; I’m constantly amazed at how aggressive and nasty many comments are on public blogs and discussion boards…. the closer we get to anonymity the more we tend to push the limits of acceptable behavior.

3.) Pressure and expectations: Consider the behavior that is modeled on television and in the movies for our teens; kids sometimes feel pressure that they should be engaging in communication that is sexual in nature – it surrounds them all day and all night! They feel pressure in a general sense from these images and they sometimes feel direct pressure from their peers. In the above-mentioned study 51% of teen girls say “pressure from a guy” is a reason they send sexy messages. As a whole 23% of teen girls and 24% of teen boys say they were pressured by friends to send or post sexual content.

4.) Minimal supervision: Teens today can get away with more because parents aren’t watching. I don’t mean this as a value judgment on parents, but rather to point out that few parents actually are aware of the content of many of the text messages that are sent via your child’s cell phone. Monitoring the content of kids’ messages isn’t easy, and even caring and watchful parents wonder what the right level of supervision should be.

Many are conflicted about this activity: Deep in the back of the Sex and Tech study I found a fascinating data point that I believe helps to demonstrate the conflict that kids feel about messages with sexual content. Respondents were asked to describe the people who send suggestive messages and images by responding to a list of adjectives. The top four adjectives* kids used to describe those who send sexy images and messages were:

72% slutty
66% flirty
65% desperate
55% bold

You can feel the attraction teens sense in this activity by their descriptive terms of “flirty” and “bold,” can’t you? What teen wouldn’t want to be those things? And yet most know it’s not the kind of activity that will make them proud.

So why do some teens do it anyway? Perhaps because of the four explanations above and because they are teens. Because of their stage of brain development they don’t connect actions with consequences.

Hopefully you can find a way in to guide them so their consequences don’t live on in cyberspace forever.

*Net of those who responded “strongly” and “somewhat agree”

Bookmark this:

Hide Sites

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 5th, 2009 at 2:56 pm and is filed under Culture & Media, Internet, IM, etc., Parenting Teens, Peer Pressure & Friends, Teens: Sexual Activity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

11 responses about “Texting, Sexting; What’s On Your Teen’s Phone?”

Michelle said:
March 6th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Sue, this is so appropriately timed. I am seeing this behavior with my 14 year old daughter and it has me very concerned. You have given me a little more insight.
Geri said:
March 6th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Actions and consequences – When my teen started doing things that I had not expected from her, like sexting,numerous texts, porno on the computer, hanging on boys, changing her appearance, etc. I had to shift gears. It was painful, I will not lie! I will also admit some of my initial reactions were not pleasant and if continued would have driven her to run-which it did once. Funny thing though, she was my child and she loved me enough to give me a second chance. For that I am very grateful. When I was able to remember how when she was little and I was teaching her “life skills” like swimming, that she depended on my reactions to develop her feelings about those skills, it became a much smoother ride. So no matter what a teenager brings to the table we have to remember that we love them enough to keep loving them – no matter what. The world is a harsh place filled with consequences for our actions, too. Teenagers are ready to learn what type of consequences their actions will reap on the outside world whether we are ready or not. Let’s face it, parents are no longer the managers/teachers, we are now the consultants. A role that I have learned to like but forces me to let go of what I can’t control. We work with her regularly on our expectations at home (this action = this consequence) and we are now her safety net when her actions on the “outside” reflect unexpected consequences. Teens don’t think, they act impulsively. I’ve learned all I can do is help her learn the lesson from the consequence and do it in a loving manner. If we can’t learn from our mistakes then we shouldn’t be making them either. Thanks for your website, Sue.
Sue Blaney said:
March 6th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Geri, beautifully stated. Thank you for sharing that. I think your comment will make many parents think about how they can relate to their teens from a loving place, no matter what the teens are doing.
Dea Allen said:
March 7th, 2009 at 5:22 am
I have twin young women teens who turned 17 yesterday. They are my “babies” of 5 children, the oldest being 33 so it has been a long road of having and raising children. It has changed so much along the way. In my opinion, so much of what they do now is not appropriate… from constant texting to one of them sexting and ay-ay-ay… I have learned along the way tho that the one who is the most outrageous in my opinion is also the most at risk for me pushing her away and out of the house before she is ready to go. I am biting my tongue and trying to just be loving and supportive to keep her in the better environment of being at home rather than see her leave to go be at a boyfriends home and get pregnant or whatever else might happen. It gets easier the longer I realize I have only an illusion of control of them and that they have already learned the moral info I can teach them, and it is mostly up to them now. It is very hard to see them so almost but not quite adult with so little readiness to face adult situations. 52 More weeks and they are at least legally responsible for themselves.
Susie said:
March 7th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Sue,

I have been struggling with texting for over a year now. My 14 year old, hard working, honor student, daughter became involved with a 18 boy because it was easy for them to communicate via texting and become close in a short amount of time. She lost her texting for about 9 months. As soon as she got it back another texting relationship developed that led her to spend all her spare time using her thumbs. She quickly gave up leisure activities such as free reading and chose watching tv as it allowed her to text. The last two months we tried giving her a budget and shut the texting off after it was reached and we have her turn in her phone at 9:30. Her homework time was interrupted on average every 3 minutes with a text. This month we offered to give her unlimited texting if she could come up with a plan that addressed our concerns. We are still in negotiations, but one of her suggestions is no texting on Sunday. I feel like these poor kids need some down time and they don’t know how to give it to themselves. I am amazed at how many parents are not concerned about the massive amounts of time kids spend texting.
My daughter will be 16 shortly and perhaps limiting this is over parenting, but is it really best to allow kids to be connected to their friends 24/7. I am very curious how other parents monitor the content of texting. For the most part we don’t check, feeling it is an invasion of privacy. Is anyone else limiting texting? I am obviously conflicted.
Michelle said:
March 8th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
My two sons 12.5 & 14 never stop with their texting, answering the phone, and listening to the ipod. I can barely speak to them anymore. We have made rules that there are no phones during meals. We make the boys turn in their phones at bedtime but they sneak downstairs and take them to bed and text late into the night.
When I speak to them in the car they can’t hear me and there are very little times for communication.
When I limit computer use I am a “jerk” and whatever else they want to call me. The go from one screen to the next. No longer reading or drawing. They will not allow me to see their Facebook page – not even to comment on pictures I see. When I ask who someone is they say my friends and switch the screen. itunes is on whenever they do homework and it’s distracting them. It seems every day – every minute it is a fight to lay down any rules to homework. They say they work better with music in the background but I find them scrolling through the album covers and onto Facebook every other 5 mins.
It is becoming a way of life to constantly be on their back. It seems it will only get worse.
Jason Kallio said:
March 12th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
I’m confused. My girls are still little. What you are all saying is scary to me. However, if you feel the texting is a detriment to their quality of life and development, why do you pay for it?
Susie said:
March 13th, 2009 at 3:41 am
Jason,
Since your girls are little I would give you future advice. From the moment they get their cell phone, have them turn it into you at night or turn it off at home. It is easier to get in the habit at first than rein it in later. I absolutely did turn off my daughter’s texting for nine month. We’ve been trying to work on a compromise for the past 3 months because she’s a great kid, honor student, hard working, and respectful and my hope was to help her learn appropriate boundaries before she’s in college(just 2 years away). My son is 11 and I may never give him texting. It is just so addicting in nature and we may turn off my daughters again. Most parents don’t realize they can TOTALLY SHUT OFF TEXTING FOR FREE. They pay for unlimited because they worry about overages on their bill. There is also a feature that will allow parents to set specific times a kid can use their phone. THAT being said, I totally support your comment. As parents we shoot ourselves in the foot when we pay for something that causes them to check out of family life.
Jason Kallio said:
March 17th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Susie,

Those are great solutions. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and experience. I don’t need to recreate the wheel.
Tonya said:
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:19 pm
This is all new to me, but I am finding out that I am not the only one who has this problem. And it was nice to go to this website and get great information on a situation I didn’t quite know how to address.

Thank you for all the great advise.
Sue Blaney said:
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:58 pm
You are so welcome, Tonya! Thanks for your comment…. it really is amazing all the new issues parents are facing that weren’t even dealt with a few short years ago. We’ll learn together and help one another out….but when in doubt, trust your instincts and stick with the basics. enjoy….