The Helicopter-Parenting Debate Continues

Your 24 year old son just got a flat tire out on I495. What does your son do? He calls you.

Is this what you want him to do? A kid who is being raised by “helicopter parents” will probably call you first. For me, I’d like him to call AAA, get the tire fixed, and tell me about it later.

I know that “helicopter parenting” is not a scientific term with a clear definition, and yesterday’s story in the Boston Globe really muddied the issue. Under the front page headline “For some, helicopter parenting delivers benefits” they claim that some “helicopter parents” claim they enjoy an added closeness with their teens. The Globe article states “Stephanie Coontz, director of research at the Council on Contemporary Families, sees an unacknowledged dividend to helicopter parenting that is becoming more apparent: namely the enduring friendship often forged between the generations, in contrast to the “generation gap” of old.”

Let’s not get distracted and make this a semantic issue about an un-specifically-defined term. This is too important a discussion.

Helicopter parenting may come from a place of love. Parents hover because they care so darn much, and because they don’t want to see their kids in pain, or experience failure. But just because it comes from a good place doesn’t mean that it is good for kids. If we raise kids who are unable to solve their own problems, who need advice from mom and dad at every turn, who don’t know enough to get their own flat tire fixed, have we really done a good job as parents? I think not. This isn’t about our level of “friendship,” but rather our kids’ level of competence.

Do college kids need to speak with their parents every single day? What is the “right” level of connection? That is an individual choice, a dynamic for which there are no set rules. Temperament, circumstances and more will play into this, and of course supportive parents need to be involved with their teens and college students. What is wrong is if a college student is unable to make decisions and choices without constant parental input. Parents who are needed to this degree have hamstrung their kids. This is where parents really need to look in the mirror…because what is often driving these parents is selfishness… parents needing to be needed.

I have two kids in college myself. My husband and I sometimes wonder if we are “helicoptering” or providing an appropriate amount of space and independence. It’s a balancing act that I’m sure we don’t always get right. But, truly it doesn’t have much to do with our “friendship” or the quality of our relationships with our kids.

Learning how not to be a helicopter parent is a skill this generation of parents needs to pay attention to. From the beginning we’ve scripted our kids’ every move from their youth soccer games, to play dates, and more. Don’t get confused by making this a discussion about semantics….rather, stay focused on helping your teenagers develop the confidence and competence to not need your input at all. Then you can really enjoy your relationship.