Hyperparenting Revisited
November 25th, 2008 by Sue Blaney
This discussion rages on. This time the Washington Post’s Brian Reid hosts an article posing the question “Is private schooling associated with hyperparenting, or are overachieving public school parents just as likely to go off the deep end?”
Mo matter whether you are public school parents, or private school parents, we discuss this topic often here at Please Stop the Rollercoaster!, because many parents have to work to find the right balance between being a “helicopter parent” and an “invisible parent.” This doesn’t necessarily come naturally. Parents in Rollercoaster discussion groups talk a lot about balance and failure and how much rein to give their teenagers. This is a complex topic and caring parents don’t necessarily get the balance right all the time. Miscalculations happen. Thoughtful discussion with other parents helps a lot.
Reid references the flurry of books on this topic (including A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting) and a recently published New Yorker article The Child Trap; The Rise of Overparenting and wonders where these hyper-parents really live, or if this characterization is really a sham. He says “I have never seen anything bordering on the madness described in the New Yorker piece.”
I look at books in this genre as caricatures, to some degree. We can learn from the points they make, but best take it with a grain of salt. Most parents are intentionally attempting to find an appropriate middle-of-the-road position, however they may flirt with “helicoptering” at times, and with being too “hands-off” at times. The correct balance for parents changes…often. “Should I check-in with my daughter’s English teacher?” may sometimes warrant a “yes,” and other times a “no.” How much support, how much intervention, how much freedom your teen needs from you varies according to circumstances. Each decision and choice parents of teens face warrants a new look, as each teenager is a complex mix of exciting new maturity and regular swings backward into behavior you hoped was behind them.
The pendulum swings, and most parents do their level best to find the rhythm that best suits their teen, their values, their community. Most parents aren’t the extreme cartoon characters depicted in these books-with-a-point, but many parents can easily make a choice from time to time that will make the critics speak. Let them walk a mile in your shoes.
Parents of teens don’t always get the balance right, but most in-tune parents are in the game, doing their caring best.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 at 10:52 am and is filed under Culture & Media, Parenting Teens. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Subscribe to Newsletter
Subscribe in a blog reader
November 26th, 2008 at 2:09 am
Thank you Sue for this very balanced post! I was thinking that the overparenting attacks are over the top. As you say, there are degrees of involvement and sometimes stepping in is appropriate.
But to your other question about the achievement orientation of public or private schools, I think unfortunately that the pressure to succeed is pumped into the water system in this culture. Parents need to take these issues in their own hands and work with their kids to always be encouraging greater independence, but parents will need to step in and advocate for their children. Parents can also help children take pride in their work and LEARN : ) something, without just focusing on the grade or where it will take them. Grades are not always under kids control, learning to apply oneself is.
I talk about these issues in my book, Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a LIfetime of Resilience, Flexibility and Happiness. My goal is to empower parents in the process to help them see how encouraging their children’s independence is the goal of parenting. It was my intention to do this without shaming parents for their instincts to want to swoop down and save their kids (helicoptering) (where we would we be without those instincts!). If you’re interested in taking a look, please go to http://www.freeingyourchild.com
November 26th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I definitely agree that carictures are often painted in these books and the global labels of parents are just as popular as the global labels that are used to characterize kids. All parents and all kids have strengths, patterns, and habits that they utilize to make their way in world. The challenging and perhaps most helpful thing is to tap into the strengths people have and to support them in making intentional choices about what works best for each child and each parenting-child relationship.
Thanks for a great post.
Coach Scott
http://www.myparentingsource.com