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Bullying is in the news again after a 14 year old California teenager killed himself as a result of being bullied. Of course, we usually focus our attention on the victims and express our outrage at bullies. But a comment appeared in a NYTImes blog posting about bullying that made me consider more fully the bullies themselves.

This former bully said:

“I have an interesting perspective on this, having spent some time as a bully in my childhood. I look back on those years with regret and shame… However, it’s important to point out that these behaviors are not hard wired. The brains of most children are incredibly malleable and most bullies are surely capable of learning the qualities of empathy and respect. I certainly have and, as an adult, find physical violence repulsive.”

As a culture we now choose to intervene in bullying incidents; to not tolerate this behavior. This cultural shift requires retraining adults and teaching them how to manage and redirect such negative behavior. And it means we, as adults and parents, need to ensure that we are helping kids develop skills, awareness and behavior that disallows bullying and sets all kids up for success. There is a lot at stake in this because, perhaps predictably, bullies often grow up to be criminals. In one study 60% of those characterized as bullies in grades 6 - 9 had at least one criminal conviction by the age of 24.* Turning this behavior around will benefit us all.

Who are bullies and how do they get this way? They tend not to be the stereotypical kid who picks on others because he’s miserable himself. Rather, bullies tend to be confident, with high self esteem. Bullies have little empathy for others, they are physically aggressive and usually have pro-violence attitudes.* New research indicates that bullies may actually enjoy inflicting pain on others. Bullies are more likely to get into trouble more often than their peers, they tend to do poorly in school, and they are more likely to drink, smoke and fight than their peers.*

What kinds of homes breed bullies? Homes where parents fail to monitor kids’ activities, provide emotional support or have little involvement in their lives. Also associated with this behavior is a parental disciplinary style that is either extremely punitive or extremely lenient. While, if you are reading this, it is unlikely that your parenting style will match these descriptors, there may still be room for improvement as you parent your teenager.

In Jeremiah’s case, the 14-year-old suicide victim, his father was apparently unaware that his son had been the object of bullying for many years. One has to wonder, then, if the parents of the bullies were aware of their children’s activities. Probably not.

Ask yourself, do you really know how your teenager behaves at school and with his peers? Are you certain that s/he is behaving in a way that is aligned with the values you are trying to teach? Is it possible that your teen bullies other kids?

Emotional intelligence (EQ) reflects one’s innate understanding of and empathy for others. Developing and teaching emotional intelligence is one antidote to bullying behavior, and a place all parents of teenagers should focus attention.

Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, identified these qualities in people who are high in emotional intelligence:

• Self-awareness: they recognize feelings and pay attention to them,
• Self-regulation: they deal appropriately with emotions like anger, anxiety, frustration, etc.
• Motivation: they can marshal emotions and delay gratification to meet goals,
• Empathy: awareness of other’s feelings, needs and concerns,
• Social skills: they are adept at communication, influence, leadership, collaboration, etc.

EQ is, in many ways, more important than IQ, and a better predictor of personal and professional success. Although many school districts have included character education in their curricula, in these budget-constrained times this is exactly the kind of program that is the first to go. So, parents, it’s up to you.

Focus on emotional intelligence and emotional literacy as you teach your teen skills and awareness of others. Whether a prospective bully, victim or bystander, these are the qualities that will rid our culture of bullying and make lasting changes our kids will relish.

As our reformed bully tells us, bullying is behavior that can change. Bullies can learn “empathy and respect.” It’s up to you to teach it.

* Bullying Facts and Statistics

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