Image via WikipediaDoes FEAR play a role as you parent your teens?

“I kept trying to fix my son,” she said, “until I finally realized he wasn’t broken.”

These were the words from a mom who came to realize that she had been parenting her teen son from a place of fear.

What does it mean to parent from a place of fear? How common is it? What does it look like? What are the consequences? There’s a lot to be afraid of as you try and protect your kids in this crazy world - right?

Fear. It drives our behavior far more than we care to admit. Just a quick look at titles of a few current books gives a hint that this is a topic that resonates with many: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway; The Culture of Fear: Why Americans are Afraid of the Wrong Things; Love is Letting Go of Fear; The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear and Shame to be Your Best and Bravest Self. No shortage of information on fear, to be sure.

Have you considered if fear is impacting you as you parent your teen? Chances are it does. And fear is not your friend.

• FEAR gets in the way of honest communication.
• FEAR may be preventing you from hearing what your teenager is trying to say.
• FEAR may be making you hold your teen back from valuable experiences.
• FEAR may be driving you to push your teen in ways that hurt, rather than help him.
• FEAR may behind the competitive spirit that shows up when you look at other families and other teenagers.
• FEAR may prevent you from accurately assessing your teenager’s capabilities.
• FEAR may be what’s behind you over-scheduling your kids, fearful they will miss out on an opportunity.
• FEAR may be holding you back from having helpful conversations with your peers.
• FEAR may prevent you from accessing available support services that could help your family and better your relationships.
• FEAR may be behind your vivid imagination that envisions negative outcomes.

Helicopter parenting : Today we hear a lot about “helicopter parenting;” this refers to parents who hover too closely. Although many such parents will swear this comes from a place of love and good intentions, dig down a little deeper and you are sure to find fear lurking there too. Why do these parents swoop in and fight Johnny’s battles? Fear of failure.

Serious Consequences: Madeline Levine’s significant book The Price of Privilege; How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids” reveals some connections we can’t ignore: fearful, anxious parents raise anxious kids. And anxious, over-protective “helicopter” parents demand high performance from their kids in a way that actually undermines their development. “Perfectionism” is what results when kids can’t tolerate failure, and it holds kids back. When kids are fearful of failure, they don’t have the courage to take risks or step outside their comfort zones. And if we raise a generation of kids who aren’t able to take risks, how will we innovate America’s next set of solutions? Levine goes on to connect more dots, linking parents’ performance-focused expectations to teens’ increased depression, anxiety and even substance abuse.

Is your fear-based behavior leading to your teen’s problems or mis-behavior? Think about it.

What do you fear most? Parents I surveyed and report on in PARENTING TEENAGERS: The Agony & The Ecstasy say they fear for their teens in life and death terms. Parents say “My biggest fear for my teen is that she will make a decision that will haunt her for the rest of her life.” “My biggest fear is that he will not make good decisions and the results of his actions will have life threatening consequences.”

Some amount of fear is natural for parents of teens. Yes, you face new levels of danger as your teen begins to drive or ride in the car with new drivers. There is no shortage of data to demonstrate teens’ increased risk profile and their lack of reliable decision making skills.

But the point for parents to consider here is to what degree is your fear driving you to make poor judgment calls? Are you so fearful about raising your teen that it is undermining your relationship and your ability to support her positive development?

Only you can be the judge of that.

Feel the fear and move past it anyway.

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