How to Engage Your Teens in Dinner-Table Talk

Dinner time fuels families. It nourishes relationships and creates the context and venue for some of life’s lessons to be shared. Most parents and families value dinner time, and even when it’s difficult with busy schedules, most people try to find the time to eat together.

Getting your family to the table is one issue, getting teens to talk is another. I asked parents of teens to share your tips and strategies about how you engage your teenagers in dinner-table talk, and we have some great tips to share. I offered a free cookbook for the winning tip, so we’ll begin with the winner. Tami from Massachusetts said:

“One of the family rituals we have used in our home at dinner time is a game called “High, Low and Wish.” We go around the table and talk about the High point of the day, low point of the day and what they wish for. I usually have to be the first one to go but it has amazed me over the years what has come out. There was a time when my younger son mentioned that something my husband said in the morning was his low point of the day. Both my husband and I were shocked how something he thought was minor really bothered my son. It led to a great conversation and the opportunity to resolve this issue.”

The concept she names as “High, Low and Wish” was mentioned by many parents in my survey, some with variations on that theme. Some ask each person to name one good thing that happened during the day, one bad thing and one funny thing. This game is not only valuable as a conversation starter, it encourages kids to be reflective, a helpful skill to nurture as their lives become more complex. This game demonstrates to kids that they are respected, and their opinions and experiences are valued in the family. It creates an opportunity to acknowledge your teen’s feelings, and provide gentle reassurance that they matter. Parents who model good listening skills teach a vital lesson, and it’s a powerful way to show each child how important they are.

Dinner table talk can direct and fire up kids’ interests in certain topics:

“My husband grew up talking politics at the dinner table and so we do quite a bit of that as well. It has turned my 16 year old daughter into quite the little spitfire. She debates her friends at school on their opinions and stops them dead in their tracks because she is more educated in that area. She has decided she wants to study politics in college, so our dinner time talks have really steered her someplace!”

This can be a time to focus kind attention to family members. Theresa F. says:

“We do a “say one good thing about one person at this table” and everyone picks a person to say something good about. This one is great since the kids so seldom compliment their siblings and it’s funny to see them rack their brains to come up with a good thing about Mom or Dad or their annoying little brother. We then do a “say one good thing about yourself.” This one is fun too as we can find out what the kids think is a good quality about themselves. I think it is also a bit of a self esteem builder and creates a bit of introspection on the part of my very extroverted children. We have 5 kids ages 18 – 9, so with all 7 of us involved we’ve had some rolling good times at the table with these.”

Some teens are more difficult to engage than others, so some parents may be a little crafty in their approach. Marc from Boulder, CO offers his round-about way of enticing his son:

“The only way to get my teen boy to talk is to bring it back to sports. Rather than ask him a question that he will ignore, I will engage in a controversial sports topic with his younger brother. My teen will invariably put his “expert opinion” into the foray since it is on record that he is always right! From there, I just sit back and let them go at it. Although difficult to predict where it will go from there, at least I got him engaged!”

One busy Mom whose husband is in the military sometimes packs up all 6 kids and heads over to Daddy’s office, they so value their dinner time together:

“We have 6 kids and so the conversations get crazy, LOL but they are truly my favorite moments of being a mom, sitting around the table with our kids listening to their crazy stories about their days, laughing and remembering things. I think with teens you MUST always keep the lines of communication open, they must trust you, even though you may not and probably will not always agree with their choices, they need to know they have someone on their side that can just listen.”

Another mom encourages talk by focusing on being a good listener:

“I have a 16 year old girl so I ask her about what gossip is going around school. Whatever she says I pay attention to it and ask if anything new has happened with the person she mentioned the day before. That way she realizes I was listening and feels good about telling me things. It’s amazing what you can learn if you just listen.”

Here’s a cool idea if you tire of the “high/low” game:

“We do this once a week or so. We go to our file cards of questions. I began writing these, but they have been added to by my son and husband. It’s a round-robin game – everyone responds to the question; we then pick another card and start with someone else. Some of the questions have included:
Who is the person you most admire – and why?
What animal best reflects your personality – and why?
Where on earth would you most like to live?/visit?
If you could change one aspect about your character, what would it be?”

The themes that run through all the answers we received are

• Make dinner time a priority,
• Show your kids how much you love and respect them by encouraging their talk and listening to them closely,
• Include your teens in cooking and setting the table; this provides more opportunity for easy conversation,
• Develop traditions and rituals around your dinner time.

Tami, our cookbook winner shares more about her rituals:

“.. we light candles every night when we sit down. We have simple tea lights during the week and save the longer candles for special holidays. I believe it creates a more relaxed and special mood. My older sons joke that it’s like thanksgiving every night but that’s okay because it is the most special time of the day!”

We offer Go Ask Your Teenager card decks

The winner receives a copy of
The Food Nanny Rescues Dinner