I know it’s uncomfortable for most of you, talking about sex with your kids. And probably many of you think you are talking enough and letting your kids learn from you. But a survey conducted by Tyra Banks, and the shocking picture it portrays about your daughters and their sexual activities should propel you to the mirror. Have a good talk with yourself. Be honest. You may not be doing enough. Please, parents of teens - Moms and Dads, you need to:

• Talk to your teenager about the values you wish to teach and share, then LISTEN and allow your teen to air his/her thoughts,
• Recognize that your teenager is a sexual being, not a little kid. Don’t talk down to them. Be realistic.
• Recognize and discuss the myriad sexual messages your teen views regularly in the media. Help your teen to learn to challenge these messages and invite her to discuss them with you. Empower her to view them critically and encourage her to develop her own views and opinions.
• Be informed about the real facts. If less than half of teens are having sex, that means more than half are choosing not to have sex. Let your teen know that he is making a choice along with the majority of his peers if he waits. (Figures about this vary; the data shown in the video below is different than other studies. The Kaiser Family Foundation publicizes figures showing that median age for first intercourse is 16.9 for boys and 17.4 for girls. They say that 48% of teens in grades 9 - 12 are sexually active.)
• Let your teen know that you are available for discussions and questions, and that you will respect them and treat these conversations seriously and confidentially. You do this by showing them this behavior. You demonstrate that you can talk about the subject; it’s not enough to say “You know you can talk to me.” If that’s all you say you have not demonstrated that you really are approachable about the subject.
• Let your teen know about local health resources if they need help or have questions they don’t want to address with you. Let them know they can go to their doctor, or a local clinic. Do the research. Make certain that if your teen chooses to be sexually active and not tell you, that s/he will do this responsibly.

Now fasten your seatbelts. Here Matt Lauer discusses Tyra Bank’s survey:

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Here’s a sweet movie that just came my way over the internet. I wish I had this for the workshop I ran this morning for some parents in the workplace.

Parents come armed with good questions:
“How can I infuse my son with ambition?”
“My son is way behind his older, more accomplished and talented sister. How can I give him confidence? He lets his fears get in the way.”
“Please tell me how I can get my kid to be a leader; she’s such a follower now!”

These are great questions from caring parents. And there are strategies you can employ to help your teenager strengthen her weaknesses. But consider the message in this movie; perhaps what you view as your teen’s weaknesses are actually the seeds for what will be her strengths.

Click here and when you arrive at the Raising Small Souls website, click on the purple button and you can view this lovely and thought-provoking video.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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This discussion rages on. This time the Washington Post’s Brian Reid hosts an article posing the question “Is private schooling associated with hyperparenting, or are overachieving public school parents just as likely to go off the deep end?”

Mo matter whether you are public school parents, or private school parents, we discuss this topic often here at Please Stop the Rollercoaster!, because many parents have to work to find the right balance between being a “helicopter parent” and an “invisible parent.” This doesn’t necessarily come naturally. Parents in Rollercoaster discussion groups talk a lot about balance and failure and how much rein to give their teenagers. This is a complex topic and caring parents don’t necessarily get the balance right all the time. Miscalculations happen. Thoughtful discussion with other parents helps a lot.

Reid references the flurry of books on this topic (including A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting) and a recently published New Yorker article The Child Trap; The Rise of Overparenting and wonders where these hyper-parents really live, or if this characterization is really a sham. He says “I have never seen anything bordering on the madness described in the New Yorker piece.”

I look at books in this genre as caricatures, to some degree. We can learn from the points they make, but best take it with a grain of salt. Most parents are intentionally attempting to find an appropriate middle-of-the-road position, however they may flirt with “helicoptering” at times, and with being too “hands-off” at times. The correct balance for parents changes…often. “Should I check-in with my daughter’s English teacher?” may sometimes warrant a “yes,” and other times a “no.” How much support, how much intervention, how much freedom your teen needs from you varies according to circumstances. Each decision and choice parents of teens face warrants a new look, as each teenager is a complex mix of exciting new maturity and regular swings backward into behavior you hoped was behind them.

The pendulum swings, and most parents do their level best to find the rhythm that best suits their teen, their values, their community. Most parents aren’t the extreme cartoon characters depicted in these books-with-a-point, but many parents can easily make a choice from time to time that will make the critics speak. Let them walk a mile in your shoes.

Parents of teens don’t always get the balance right, but most in-tune parents are in the game, doing their caring best.

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Image via Wikipedia

Bullying is in the news again after a 14 year old California teenager killed himself as a result of being bullied. Of course, we usually focus our attention on the victims and express our outrage at bullies. But a comment appeared in a NYTImes blog posting about bullying that made me consider more fully the bullies themselves.

This former bully said:

“I have an interesting perspective on this, having spent some time as a bully in my childhood. I look back on those years with regret and shame… However, it’s important to point out that these behaviors are not hard wired. The brains of most children are incredibly malleable and most bullies are surely capable of learning the qualities of empathy and respect. I certainly have and, as an adult, find physical violence repulsive.”

As a culture we now choose to intervene in bullying incidents; to not tolerate this behavior. This cultural shift requires retraining adults and teaching them how to manage and redirect such negative behavior. And it means we, as adults and parents, need to ensure that we are helping kids develop skills, awareness and behavior that disallows bullying and sets all kids up for success. There is a lot at stake in this because, perhaps predictably, bullies often grow up to be criminals. In one study 60% of those characterized as bullies in grades 6 - 9 had at least one criminal conviction by the age of 24.* Turning this behavior around will benefit us all.

Who are bullies and how do they get this way? They tend not to be the stereotypical kid who picks on others because he’s miserable himself. Rather, bullies tend to be confident, with high self esteem. Bullies have little empathy for others, they are physically aggressive and usually have pro-violence attitudes.* New research indicates that bullies may actually enjoy inflicting pain on others. Bullies are more likely to get into trouble more often than their peers, they tend to do poorly in school, and they are more likely to drink, smoke and fight than their peers.*

What kinds of homes breed bullies? Homes where parents fail to monitor kids’ activities, provide emotional support or have little involvement in their lives. Also associated with this behavior is a parental disciplinary style that is either extremely punitive or extremely lenient. While, if you are reading this, it is unlikely that your parenting style will match these descriptors, there may still be room for improvement as you parent your teenager.

In Jeremiah’s case, the 14-year-old suicide victim, his father was apparently unaware that his son had been the object of bullying for many years. One has to wonder, then, if the parents of the bullies were aware of their children’s activities. Probably not.

Ask yourself, do you really know how your teenager behaves at school and with his peers? Are you certain that s/he is behaving in a way that is aligned with the values you are trying to teach? Is it possible that your teen bullies other kids?

Emotional intelligence (EQ) reflects one’s innate understanding of and empathy for others. Developing and teaching emotional intelligence is one antidote to bullying behavior, and a place all parents of teenagers should focus attention.

Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, identified these qualities in people who are high in emotional intelligence:

• Self-awareness: they recognize feelings and pay attention to them,
• Self-regulation: they deal appropriately with emotions like anger, anxiety, frustration, etc.
• Motivation: they can marshal emotions and delay gratification to meet goals,
• Empathy: awareness of other’s feelings, needs and concerns,
• Social skills: they are adept at communication, influence, leadership, collaboration, etc.

EQ is, in many ways, more important than IQ, and a better predictor of personal and professional success. Although many school districts have included character education in their curricula, in these budget-constrained times this is exactly the kind of program that is the first to go. So, parents, it’s up to you.

Focus on emotional intelligence and emotional literacy as you teach your teen skills and awareness of others. Whether a prospective bully, victim or bystander, these are the qualities that will rid our culture of bullying and make lasting changes our kids will relish.

As our reformed bully tells us, bullying is behavior that can change. Bullies can learn “empathy and respect.” It’s up to you to teach it.

* Bullying Facts and Statistics

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“I brought you banana muffins; it’s Nana’s recipe.” So said my niece as she and her husband arrived for dinner last night. Her words, and her thoughtful gesture and especially the mention of our adored Nana touched me to my very core. Nana was my grandmother, and my niece’s great grandmother; this wonderful and dear woman from Maine lived to be 100. I have memories so vivid of Nana’s famous banana bread, and cinnamon rolls and rhubarb pie…I can smell her kitchen and hear her voice like she is in the room with me now. How very precious that our evening together last night included Nana, and how sweet that my niece would bring Nana with her into our home.

Food and family is so powerfully connected in our memory and senses and feelings. Maybe this is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It is a sensual holiday; it smells good and feels good and, again, evokes lovely memories of Nana helping to saute the onions and celery for the stuffing, and stirring the gravy on Thanksgiving morning.

I wonder what smells and feelings my children have that they will carry with them in their Thanksgiving holidays to come. I think I know their favorite dishes, but I better check again. I want to make sure I cement these memories in their heads and bodies forever.

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I want to hear your story. The one that you know other parents of teenagers will want to hear. The one when you learned something really dramatic, or useful, or funny or empowering. Or the time your teenager managed to triumph in a way that other families will benefit from hearing. And, in exchange, everyone who contributes a story will receive a chance to win a Chicken Soup for the Soul book from their new 101 Best Stories series about Teenagers. I have several books to give away and want to hear - and possibly share - your stories in exchange.

So don’t think too hard. Don’t worry about writing it up perfectly….because I’ll want to talk with you and we can edit it together if it is going to be told here on the blog. Make this easy for yourself….

200 words or less… email me with your story and put “Story submission” in the subject line. Please include your contact info. Of course, if your story is shared it can be completely confidential if you desire. Don’t wait too long - you have until Sunday 11/30 to have a chance at the free Chicken Soup books. Thank you!

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Image via WikipediaDoes FEAR play a role as you parent your teens?

“I kept trying to fix my son,” she said, “until I finally realized he wasn’t broken.”

These were the words from a mom who came to realize that she had been parenting her teen son from a place of fear.

What does it mean to parent from a place of fear? How common is it? What does it look like? What are the consequences? There’s a lot to be afraid of as you try and protect your kids in this crazy world - right?

Fear. It drives our behavior far more than we care to admit. Just a quick look at titles of a few current books gives a hint that this is a topic that resonates with many: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway; The Culture of Fear: Why Americans are Afraid of the Wrong Things; Love is Letting Go of Fear; The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear and Shame to be Your Best and Bravest Self. No shortage of information on fear, to be sure.

Have you considered if fear is impacting you as you parent your teen? Chances are it does. And fear is not your friend.

• FEAR gets in the way of honest communication.
• FEAR may be preventing you from hearing what your teenager is trying to say.
• FEAR may be making you hold your teen back from valuable experiences.
• FEAR may be driving you to push your teen in ways that hurt, rather than help him.
• FEAR may behind the competitive spirit that shows up when you look at other families and other teenagers.
• FEAR may prevent you from accurately assessing your teenager’s capabilities.
• FEAR may be what’s behind you over-scheduling your kids, fearful they will miss out on an opportunity.
• FEAR may be holding you back from having helpful conversations with your peers.
• FEAR may prevent you from accessing available support services that could help your family and better your relationships.
• FEAR may be behind your vivid imagination that envisions negative outcomes.

Helicopter parenting : Today we hear a lot about “helicopter parenting;” this refers to parents who hover too closely. Although many such parents will swear this comes from a place of love and good intentions, dig down a little deeper and you are sure to find fear lurking there too. Why do these parents swoop in and fight Johnny’s battles? Fear of failure.

Serious Consequences: Madeline Levine’s significant book The Price of Privilege; How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids” reveals some connections we can’t ignore: fearful, anxious parents raise anxious kids. And anxious, over-protective “helicopter” parents demand high performance from their kids in a way that actually undermines their development. “Perfectionism” is what results when kids can’t tolerate failure, and it holds kids back. When kids are fearful of failure, they don’t have the courage to take risks or step outside their comfort zones. And if we raise a generation of kids who aren’t able to take risks, how will we innovate America’s next set of solutions? Levine goes on to connect more dots, linking parents’ performance-focused expectations to teens’ increased depression, anxiety and even substance abuse.

Is your fear-based behavior leading to your teen’s problems or mis-behavior? Think about it.

What do you fear most? Parents I surveyed and report on in PARENTING TEENAGERS: The Agony & The Ecstasy say they fear for their teens in life and death terms. Parents say “My biggest fear for my teen is that she will make a decision that will haunt her for the rest of her life.” “My biggest fear is that he will not make good decisions and the results of his actions will have life threatening consequences.”

Some amount of fear is natural for parents of teens. Yes, you face new levels of danger as your teen begins to drive or ride in the car with new drivers. There is no shortage of data to demonstrate teens’ increased risk profile and their lack of reliable decision making skills.

But the point for parents to consider here is to what degree is your fear driving you to make poor judgment calls? Are you so fearful about raising your teen that it is undermining your relationship and your ability to support her positive development?

Only you can be the judge of that.

Feel the fear and move past it anyway.

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Anna Huckabee Tull creates custom crafted songs. I had never heard of such a thing until Anna sang at a retreat I attended last year. Since then I have followed her work and many times have been touched as she shares the story behind her songs. What I find even more extraordinary though, is the universal themes that emerge from her work, themes that touch me deeply. Each month Anna sends out her “Song of the Month” including the story behind the song, the lyrics and the recording. I always click and listen, and it takes me to a deep place where I am soothed.

I want to share her Song of the Month with you. This song “The Days of Your Opening” takes me to a thoughtful place as I reflect on parenting teenagers, and connects me to how I want to be in the important relationships in my life. And when you read her write-up on the song, you’ll find it is even relevant for this election-week and the hope we have for our country as we move into an important transition. Enjoy

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