Meet Tamara. She’s a lovely, articulate woman of 28 who shared an important insight with me. As she is looking back on the major events in her life that have impacted her beliefs, performance and development, she keyed in on the significance of praise. “I am an only-child,” she told me. “And I was bathed in love and attention. It was a wonderful, supportive, loving upbringing and I am very fortunate. But when I look back a bit more objectively, I see that my parents’ praise may have directed my choices more than was helpful to me.” Let me explain.

Tamara says that she was a good girl; she was athletic, smart and things came easily to her. Her parents provided a continual stream of praise for her accomplishments, and the positive feedback, coupled with her accomplishments kept her childhood a joyful one.

But as she began to compete on larger playing fields she found that she would stand out less and less. While she had been the fastest runner in elementary school, and one of the fastest in middle school, she didn’t make the grade in the large high school she attended. She could have run with the team, but because she wasn’t near the top of the pack, she dropped track entirely.

The tragedy is, according to Tamara, that she discovered that when the praise was missing she no longer wanted to compete. She hadn’t been doing it for herself as much as she had been doing it for the praise.

Looking back now as an adult she regrets the result - that she ended up depriving herself of participating in high school sports because she wasn’t able to compete at the top of the pack.

Parents, be careful with that praise. Not all of your children will compete at Olympic levels in all areas. Many times just being “good enough” really is worth the experience, even if you are a second-stringer.

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