It was a joy to have lunch with a special 23 year old woman last Friday. I’ll call her Cheryl in this post, and she’ll laugh when she reads it. My son took Cheryl to their senior prom a few years back, although they were just friends. I can’t say I knew her well, but her reputation preceded her in our relatively small town. “Spunky” might have described her in high school… or “feisty”…and most certainly rebellious. She was - and is - brilliant, beautiful and extremely articulate. I don’t know what she was thinking back then, and I hope I’ll have the chance to really tell her story at some point. She’d knock you over now with her brilliance, beauty, joy for life, and utter respectability!

I know I don’t need to tell parents of teenagers that Cheryl isn’t unique. Many of the brilliant people I know who are now adults will tell tales of their rebellious teenage days. It’s hard for parents when you are in the thick of it with a rebellious teen. How do you know if this is temporary? How do you know if your teen will pull through this stage and emerge …”respectable?”

Truth is, you don’t. There are no guarantees.

But even a brilliant 23 year old isn’t out of the “developmental” woods yet.There is an emerging field of study that researchers call “young adulthood.” They now define “adolescence” as puberty through age 18, and they have two new categories: “young adulthood” from 18 - 22 (or 25), and “later adulthood” from mid-20’s up. Significantly, they identify marked differences in adolescents and young adults, and they demonstrate that young adults are still developing in significant ways.

To quote from the new MIT-based website Young Adult Development Project: A large and relatively new body of research is revealing that young adulthood is a time of dramatic change in basic thinking structures, as well as in the brain. Consensus is emerging that an 18-year-old is not the same person she or he will be at 25, just as an 11-year-old is not the same as he or she will be at 18. They don’t look the same, feel the same, think the same, or act the same.

Do you have an 18-year-old about to leave for college? The Young Adult Development Project states: When teens enter young adulthood, their thinking capacities, relationship skills, and ability to regulate emotions are unlikely to be at a developmental level where they can cope easily with the demands of a diverse, global, technological, rapidly-changing world. But in these next few years our kids develop the capacity for more complex thinking, they can accommodate and understand many points of view and multiple solutions for problems, they can weigh rewards and consequences and make better decisions about risk-taking behavior. These are important years developmentally.

Meanwhile, if you’re living with the dramas of an adolescent and looking forward to the next stage, find comfort in the fact that even the wildest teen will grow up. And some of their joy for living large, curiosity for new adventures, and spunky attitudes will be the very same qualities that will take them far in life. As they mature and re-direct these attitudes, these very same kids will grow into the leaders in government and business, the people who think big and take risks, the ones who really make a difference.

Have hope because most kids return to their roots and their families’ values. Many, like Cheryl, will even call their parents their “best friends” now. That would have been unthinkable back in the rebellious days.

To watch your teens grow up, and their peers develop and mature and interact with you in new and grown-up ways is so incredibly exciting and rewarding… it brings joy.

For all the Cheryl’s, and their Moms and Dads…have hope. Hang in there with them.

Development happens…. you can count on that.

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How do you resolve it when you don’t see eye- to eye?

My twenty-year-old and I are facing an issue, and things aren’t pretty right here right now. I guess it was bound to happen; the summer “honeymoon” with the kids home (23, 20) has been heaven on earth so far. I knew the bubble would burst, and it has. Life goes on… “joy and woe are woven fine.” Indeed.

How do you resolve it when you just don’t see eye to eye on an issue? This isn’t really a place where compromise is an option; and the chasm between my point of view and hers is rather deep.

When I try to broach our difficult topic I try to follow all the rules….I speak slowly and calmly; I sit down next to her; I use “I” statements that tell her how I feel; I ask her how she feels and what she thinks is the best solution.

Guess what happens? It’s such a sensitive topic she accuses me of being judgmental and inflexible, of saying things I haven’t said. I don’t see it that way.

But that’s just the point. We don’t see it the way the other sees it.

Will this issue take care of itself if we do nothing? I suppose. Life goes on. Is it important that I try again to get her to hear what I’m trying to say? Maybe. Am I hearing what she has to say? I think so. She doesn’t.

Like I said; we don’t see eye to eye.

Families don’t always resolve things into nice neat little packages, do we?

Life goes on.

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Today, all parents know that their kids’ lives in regards to the use of technology are going to be dramatically different than their own. This has become one of the most obsessed about topics for parents because we are in need of providing guidance and counseling in an area where their kids often know more than they do! This is not easy to do… I get that. However, there are more and more resources available to you, and I want to tell you about a new one.

I’ve previously introduced you to Vanessa Van Petten, the LA-based 23 year old who writes for teens and their parents. She’s recently released an e-book titled The Dirt-E Secrets of an Internet Kid (downloadable for $10) that is designed to give parents a leg-up on understanding and guiding their teens’ activities online. Vanessa has included many links to popular websites for tweens and teens, as well as definitions, guidelines and good ideas.

Vanessa suggests that some of the advice experts pass along to parents is inadequate and misleading. She takes aim at guidelines like Keep the computer in a public room; Know your kid’s passwords; and Ask your kids to see their profile, then look at it with them. She claims parents are kidding themselves if they think these strategies don’t have simple work-arounds for teens. (While I imagine most parents are aware of this, I wouldn’t suggest you abandon these approaches.)

She guides parents to engage in a “Cyber-Citizenship Talk.” Likened to the “drug talk” and the “sex talk”, she urges parents to sit down and have the “internet talk.” Her guidelines for this talk have off-line counterparts like “always wear clothes,” “beware of strangers,” “do not litter,” and “treat others with respect.” And she provides a video where she likens the internet to a public park, suggesting that this good-sense approach will work with your teen.

One area that concerns many parents is the way bullying has evolved in this internet and mobile-based world. Vanessa characterizes this by saying “the internet has changed the playground-bully into the in-my-bedroom-bully,” and brings to the forefront the challenges kids face because of this. If you don’t have this first-hand knowledge already, this segment will give you tremendous appreciation for your kids’ world view in regards to the intersection of their social life and their internet life.

Vanessa, in her typical high-energy way, gives parents some helpful tools here, and my hat goes off to her for a great effort.

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