Vanessa Van Petten, 22, an interesting and accomplished young woman from LA, is a builder-of-bridges between parents and teens and the author of “You’re Grounded.” She’s a prolific writer, blogger and brings her positive messages to enhance communication between parents and teenagers. I found her blog online and was fascinated to speak to this young colleague who so values the importance of parent-teen relationships. I was equally interested, as I spoke with her at length, to see that her message and mine is so similar. Huh; we must be on to something. :>

Vanessa says there are some words parents should never say: “You’re such a disappointment” can do serious damage to a parent-teen relationship. Teenagers, she aptly points out, think in black and white terms and often feel that everything is permanent. You hear this in their words: “That was the hardest test EVER!”, “She’s the biggest jerk I’ve ever seen!,” “My new haircut is the WORST,” “I’ll NEVER speak to him again!”….rarely do shades of gray exist, and what happens today gets projected out into a long future. Due to the developmental stage of the teen’s brain, it usually isn’t part of their awareness that they may feel differently tomorrow. So when parents tell their teenagers that they are “a big disappointment,” it really hurts. It feels like a permanent, final judgment. Parents won’t necessarily see it this way because our point of view is different and the way we process information is different. The teenager doesn’t know that he won’t be a disappointment to you forever, according to Vanessa, so making such a final statement can hurt them deeply.

Her interesting perspective can be helpful to parents and teens alike, and she likes to work with both groups to help bring them closer.

For parents: “Hang in there. Don’t give up,” she says. She wants parents of teens to know that their kids will “come back.” She, too, went through a tumultuous time with her parents, and she remembers the pain of it. When she sees other families in the midst of a painful or dysfunctional period she knows that parents wonder if they will ever get through it… the negativity, the challenges, the bad behavior… she’s not only seen it all, she’s experienced it. Now, a young adult, she offers hope to parents and reinforces their efforts to listen and connect.

Other important suggestions for parents, according to Vanessa, are to facilitate and support your teen’s relationships with other adults. “A good mentor can make a big difference to a teenager and provide adult guidance when a parent isn’t able to get through.” She attributes some of her success to the positive mentors she had in a dance instructor and an older cousin.

And she tells parents, “Stay connected with other parents! Not only does it help keep you sane, but it helps you know what is really going on.”

For teenagers: “Strive for balance.” If they are overly-stressed because of too many commitments or in response to high expectations, she advises them to find time to take care of themselves even if it means giving a little less effort to responsibilities. If school has them stressed, she encourages teens to make sure they take time with friends to relax. If they are big partiers, she advises them to party a little less, and be a little more responsible. She witnesses the big swings that seem to highlights teens’ lives, and she promotes balance as the way out.

Vanessa’s blog is full of tips and provides an interesting and helpful point of view…check it out.

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