I recently conducted a tele-seminar about improving communication between parents and teens and presented various approaches, strategies and tips such as:

• Focus on connection more than communication,
• You’re the adult…you may need to meet your teen more than half-way,
• Expect to utilize indirect communication methods at times,
• Become good at reading all kinds of communication from your teen – body language, the emotions that underlie the words, his behavior, his friends’ behavior, etc.
• It’s okay to negotiate on negotiable topics,
• Allow her to express her opinions,
• Treat him with respect no matter what,
• Invest in the emotional bank account you share…

…all of which are great and appropriate strategies.

And then I received this e-mail message:

My wife and I called into today’s tele-seminar and found the information you presented very helpful. The one comment I would like to make is that all your recommendations for listening to, and communicating with, our teens are well understood and make plenty of sense. The difficult part is to apply the “courteous” listening & responding skills while you’re receiving the total opposite in return. I fully understand that we have to be the “mature” side of the conversation, but this is often very difficult to put into action. It often seems like we’re trying to remain calm and understanding while receiving a verbal “slap in the face”, and turning the other cheek is a hard thing to do. I guess it’s a skill that must be constantly practiced.

This warrants a direct reply. Your feelings deserve respect, too!

“Turning the other cheek” is a “skill that must be constantly practiced,” AND I recognize that this can be difficult and feel very unfair and one-sided to parents who are receiving a regular “slap-in-the-face” from their teenager. There are times turning the other cheek may not be the best strategy. Let’s explore this further.

When kids are non-communicative or very negative with parents over a period of time, one needs to assess what is really going on. We need to explore if:

• this child is in trouble and is in need of intervention,
• we are in some way fostering this communication breakdown
• it’s time we stand our ground and no longer accept unacceptable behavior.

It is necessary to analyze both his behavior, and ours.

Why do teenagers communicate negatively with their parents? There may be many possible reasons that are all about him:

• Teens are going through major changes, and major stresses. If he is feeling badly, or under more pressure than he can handle, he may want to act out and express his discomfort. It is possible that the only place he feels comfortable enough to act out, knowing that in the long term he is unlikely to damage the relationship, is with his parents. In this case, because of your good relationship, you become the recipient of his bad behavior.
• It is also possible that he is acting out toward his parents because he is frustrated with the relationships, rules, expectations, communication style or some other elements in family life.
• He may be feeling stress, or emotions that he doesn’t understand or can’t handle, and he may not feel under control about how, when, and to whom this is expressed.
• He may be dealing with serious issues at school, with friends, even with drugs, alcohol or other major influences.
• He may be facing depression, or feeling really badly about himself for reasons you don’t understand.
• He may want to reach out and ask for help, but feels uncomfortable or unwilling to do so.

There is a developmental aspect to the parent-directed negativity that teenagers often project. As teenagers are striving for independence, they may perceive their parents as the obstacles that stand between them and their grown-up selves. You’ll undoubtably have seen instances when you have had your teenager reject your great suggestion only to implement it later on - but on his own terms. You see, in teens’ search for power, they sometimes feel that if they accept what their parents say, they have failed in some way. It feels like regression. It feels like he has let himself down in the critical job of gaining his independence. This can set up some rather strong feelings of negativity toward parents, who are innocently trying to support their teen. Seen in this context, we can understand that sometimes negative communication isn’t about the parents at all, but all about the teens. And it can fall under the category of “normal” teen behavior.

Consider if this negativity is a signal of more serious problems: Negativity, bad attitudes and an angry demeanor can be a signal that there are deeper problems that need addressing, and parents should be proactive in figuring this out. This behavior can result from various root causes, one of which is depression. You should know that depression in teenagers sometimes presents not in the affect parents might expect, but in angry outbursts.

Experts advise that parents evaluate their teenager’s behavior in terms of duration, frequency and intensity: How long has she been acting this way? How extensive and dramatic is this change in her behavior? How frequently do you see this behavior? You will want to consider these important questions as you begin to analyze the situation.

While you are engaging in information gathering, consider the strategy I call “circling the wagons.” This refers to speaking to important adults with whom your teen interacts on a regular basis. It may be beneficial to contact the school counselor and teachers, coaches or other significant adults in the school. Speak with faith leaders, adult friends, aunts and uncles…find out about the attitude and demeanor your teenager expresses to others. Do things seem amiss, or does he just save his nastiness for you? As you begin to gain a more thorough understanding of his state of mind, you can develop an appropriate strategy that may or may not include professional assistance.

Assess your communication and family dynamics: An honest assessment of your family dynamics should be included in this analysis. Families are intimately connected, and problems that show up in one person may indicate larger, more systemic issues that need to be addressed. Does your teenager receive enough loving attention? Does she feel safe and well cared for? Are there issues of competition or undue stress, unfair expectations, needs that are not being met? Try to be as honest as possible as you gather information about if and how you might be enabling and contributing to the communication breakdown. Again, you may be effective in doing this analysis yourself, and you may benefit from professional assistance.

Parents don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior: Lastly, and importantly, parents should not be treated poorly! If you don’t treat your teenager disrespectfully, then you should not have to tolerate disrespectful behavior either. You will gain your teenager’s respect when you stand up for yourself. Parents as doormats is an unproductive strategy, and one that is not recommended.

The most productive communication will take place when calmness reigns. It may be time to have an honest discussion together, and if you set things up right this can be an opportunity to uncover important feelings and share honestly. Perhaps a family meeting is in order. Schedule it in advance. Let participants know that this is not to be dreaded, and that you just want to have a meeting of the minds. Be calm, non-judgmental and ready to listen to all family members. Speak in sentences that begin with “I.” You have a right to your feelings and you can express them.

Get support yourself: Parents need to take care of themselves, too, and this is very important to remember. Self-care may include stress-relieving activities, information gathering activities, developing outside interests of your own, as well as support and discussion with other parents of teenagers. You will likely discover that similar dynamics have been experienced in most other households with teens; you’ll also discover that despite your feelings of despair when things get bad, good times do come again, and family relationships can again blossom into joyful connections.

Parents do need to give more than 50%…and all of the strategies at the top of this article are important and valid. But we should recognize that most families go through times of turmoil and challenge, and things get hard at times. As you objectively analyze the factors that are contributing to the negative communication environment, the best strategies will emerge.

Here are links to previous articles that may provide additional help:

When Your Gut Says “Get Help” What Do You Do?

Teenagers and Depression

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Does your teen use instant-messenger? (duh; probably a silly question.) Does your teen communicate via text messaging? How about downloading music, watching online videos, listening to podcasts, playing online games, participating in social networking sites….? Are you familiar with using the same technologies that your teen uses?

If you don’t utilize today’s technology as your teenager does, this will have a negative impact on your ability to provide important guidance for your teenager.

As I write this, I will confess that I’m struggling to catch up myself. Certainly it feels like the technological options available to me are ahead of my need for them, and it’s a burden to keep up with this learning curve. For some of you, this web 2.0 change is easy and natural. But I hear from many of you that you are way, way behind in using the new technologies. Take note: If you are raising teens, you are living dangerously if you are too far behind in this area.

I spoke to a group of parents recently and had a conversation with a mom who was reeling from a disturbing experience with her young son. Her socially awkward 6th grade boy had been visiting online sites that she described as her “worst nightmare.” She and her husband were forced into having conversations with her young teen that were difficult and awkward, as they tried to teach him about appropriate adult activities, degradation, and the ugly side of the internet and human behavior. She felt he was not developmentally ready for any of this to be discussed, and yet because of his browsing online, they needed to address it directly. They took away his internet access entirely until they can come up with an appropriate way to monitor his activities.

Kids are a couple of clicks away from nasty, graphic, disturbing images and activities. The internet is forcing parents to have uncomfortable, yet essential, discussions.

Be proactive about using all the technologies that your teen uses so that you can be proactive about guiding your teenager’s safe and smart decisions. You can’t provide guidance in an area in which you aren’t familiar. Invest the necessary time.

We’ll be discussing this essential topic more in future posts. In the meanwhile, here are some links to helpful informational websites. (If you have others you would like to suggest, please add them in the comment area.)

http://www.wiredsafety.org/
http://www.isafe.org/
http://www.netsmartz.org/

Don’t get caught on the wrong side of the digital divide.

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