Teenagers’ complaints about stress today go way beyond tomorrow’s math test or their next appointment for the SAT’s. If you listen to teens talk, stress is at or near the top of their complaint list. While it’s fair to say stress impacts most of us, when we are parenting teens we need to look at our teenager’s response to the stresses s/he faces, and provide appropriate sensitivity and support.

What are the major sources of stress for teens? Some stressors are environmental, some are developmental; some wreak havoc over long periods and some are just passing irritations. Here are some major sources of stress:

• Social issues and peer relationships. Teenagers invest a tremendous amount of energy in their peer relationships, and their self-esteem is often connected to their interactions in their peer group. Loneliness and every-day peer dynamics impact stress levels, as does the fear of being left out, which is one of a teenager’s greatest fears.
• Pressure to achieve at school. For some kids, success is a mission and a passion. When over-doing it, they can drive themselves to such a degree that stress replaces pleasure in learning and achieving.
• Juggling all the demands from teachers, coaches, parents, etc. Some days the demands feel overwhelming to teens.
• Parental and societal pressure to achieve in school and elsewhere; unyielding pressure from parents to always deliver peak performance can generate a lot of stress.
• Avoiding expectations they don’t want to fulfill. Whether it’s avoiding the English paper that is due tomorrow, or trying to steer clear of parents sniffing around in one’s backpack or room, kids who are hiding from their responsibilities, or sneaking around doing the wrong things, are likely to be feeling stress.
• Teens are developing their identity and making important personal decisions about who they are. “Who are my friends?” “Who reflects my values and interests?” “Am I like my parents and my family, or am I different?” These developmentally appropriate questions can be big, stress-inducing questions to confront.
• Being judged “good enough.” In their competitive worlds, sometimes it’s sink or swim…with a lot attached. “Will I make the team?” “Will I get the solo in the play?” “Does my resume look good enough for my college application?” “Will I get that summer job?”

How parents can help: Deborah Weinstock-Savoy, a psychologist who specializes in working with children and families, suggests there are two major areas of intervention for parents to consider:

• Keep home a safe haven Teens need home to be a place of nurturing and love. They need to be able to relax and let their hair down; to re-charge their batteries and feel loving support. Don’t underestimate the significance of this nurturing, as it provides a teenager’s most basic line of defense. Parents need to make sure kids are eating right and getting enough sleep. Providing the unconditional love that teens deserve will go a long way in supporting their efforts to manage their daily stresses.

• Teach coping mechanisms As parents provide coaching and support, engage your teens in coming up with solutions themselves. Kids often have ideas about this, and by actively engaging them in the problem-solving process, you are teaching them to develop a sense of self-awareness. As kids become more self-aware, they will see strategies emerge and develop; these will grow into important skills that will help them to deal with stress as they grow. In an effort to help teens become self-regulating, parents need to gradually behave more like coaches, rather than problem-solvers on the teens’ behalf.

Knowing when parents should intervene: Unfortunately, it’s tricky business to know when parents should become directly involved in helping a teen manage stress-related issues, and how, because the best parent-interventions are likely to differ for various children, parents and circumstances. In addition to empowering kids and coaching them to identify solutions themselves, parents should pointedly observe their teen’s behavior. Compare current behavior with typical behavior for this child: how much of the teen’s life is being affected? How long as this been going on, and how extreme is the behavioral change? The longer the duration, the more widespread the impact, and the more dramatic the changes, the higher the likelihood that professional help may be warranted.

Consider this: are you the source of your teen’s stress? Finding the right balance between pressure that enhances a child’s efforts and success without overdoing the stress isn’t always easy. Even professionals struggle with this. Parents should begin by observing your teen over time, so you can identify if the stress levels are within a healthy and normal range, or if they signify that change is necessary. Also, check in with your teen regularly so s/he knows you will listen to her and that there are options open to her. And…need I say…double check your messages to make sure the pressure you are applying is helpful, appropriate, and not too intense. Worse things can happen than getting an occasional bad grade… keep things in perspective and make sure you are part of the solution, not part of the problem.

I recently came across an interesting blog written by Vanessa Van Petten, a LA-based 23 year old who shares information for parents to help them understand their teens. She happens to have just written an article for parents with some tips to minimize your teen’s stress. Check it out

Bookmark this: