In response to my several articles about teenagers and lying, several of you have asked follow-up questions about how to handle teens who are lying about their homework. This can be extremely frustrating for parents, and I know it’s a challenge to handle. As parents, we can see the consequences of teens’ behavior better than many of them can, and we find it particularly frustrating when they don’t take their school obligations seriously.

It is helpful to work with the school professionals when facing an issue like this, so your first contact should be your child’s teacher and/or school counselor. But sometimes, despite promises made, kids continue to lie, and I understand those of you who are struggling to know how to respond to this.

I asked an assistant principal at a high school to answer your questions, and this was his reply:

Two weeks ago, one of my junior’s parents found out that he had been lying to them for two weeks about homework. Teachers were emailing with concerns, and the student continued to lie and say that he was getting caught up. That weekend, his parents allowed him to go away on a pre-planned ski trip to Vermont with friends because “he had been looking forward to it for a long time, and he had been really trying up until he started lying.”

I suspect that most of you who read this story will read it as I did… these parents missed a really important chance to use their leverage with their son on this very issue. How can we expect our kids to make tough choices when we, as parents, don’t have the courage to do so?

Parents have in your “tool kit” a highly effective tool, and that is consequences for actions. Parents have the authority to apply consequences and a responsibility to do so. Parents who are afraid to hold their teens accountable or to apply consequences will fail to teach their kids essential lessons. Sometimes it’s the parents who need to grow up and take the high road… and stand firm.

If you doubt this, then let me share some quotes from young adult twenty-somethings who share advice for parents of teens as they responded to my survey (reported in Parenting Teens: The Agony and the Ecstasy) Young adults say to current parents of teens:

This perspective from recent-teenagers has proven to be a most powerful input for current parents because they are saying that teens need and expect parents to make tough calls for them at times. If parents don’t do this, we are letting our teens down.

Many teenagers test the boundaries to learn if you are going to enforce them. It would be so much easier and more peaceful in families if this weren’t the case, but kids have probably been testing parents’ rules since the beginning of time!

When kids are lying about important areas that matter to you and impact their long-term best interests, take a good look at your options. What matters the most to your teen? His cell phone? Access to the car? Freedom on weekends? They are not entitled to these things, these are privileges. Don’t be afraid to treat them as such and give your teen a strong message about what’s most important. Take away the cell phone, the computer, whatever it takes to send the message that you expect them to not only do their homework, but not to lie about it.

Don’t be afraid to use your leverage when you need to.

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