My favorite quote from A. Rae Simpson’s well known synthesis of parenting teens research (titled Raising Teens) is this:

“Frustrating parents, teens want to be with them except when they don’t; teens want their help except when they don’t, and teens behave in excitingly more mature ways – except when they don’t…Throughout, they need parents to remain available, taking the emotional high ground by providing opportunities for closeness that teens can sometimes accept and sometimes reject.”
A. Rae Simpson

I find myself quoting Rae a lot lately because it so aptly captures what parents face: inconsistent, unpredictable and sometimes frustrating behavior from their teens. Parents wonder what they should do….and “taking the emotional high ground” is often the best advice. I won’t say that it is always easy to do, but we must remember that WE are the adults in this equation, and we will all be better off if we remember to act that way!

One caring and tuned-in Mom asked me just this week how she should handle her 13 year old boy who is pushing her away. She’s smart, she’s attuned, and she, being a licensed social worker has knowledgeable perspective on his behavior. Yet she wanted to talk about it and receive some outside input. Often that’s all parents need…a bit of perspective about their teen’s behavior and a chance to bounce it off a trusted adult peer to see if they are missing something. Then she’s ready again to take “the emotional high ground.” She’ll do the best she can to not take his rebuffs personally, she’ll not escalate interactions that could turn into fights, and she’ll gently reinforce the message that she loves her son and is there to support him.

How can you take the emotional high ground? Take the time to call a friend or sit down over a cup of tea. Parents of teenagers need a chance to process the dynamic changes in our homes and with our teens; we need to know we are not alone, and to gain a perspective on behavior that may be tough to take at times.

Give yourself that gift. Without it, the “emotional high ground” may feel like an awfully long reach.

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