This is week 4 of my Communications Course for parents of teenagers. Each week in this course I’ve been focusing on a different aspect of communication with teenagers. I encourge you to begin at week 1 (scroll down until you come to the first article in this series) and try these action steps one week at a time as they build on one another.

Step 4: Get comfortable with indirect communication techniques

Have you ever gotten the feeling that your teenager doesn’t want to talk to you? That he or she isn’t listening to you? (Could I guess the answer to those questions..?!) This can be a real sticking place for parents because you know that there are certain things that need to be communicated, yet you wonder how on earth that can happen when there is precious little communication taking place between you and your teen. There is an answer: use indirect communication techniques.

First, let me say, if the situation described above feels familiar to you, know that you are in the good company of literally millions of other parents. Communication between parents and teens is different than - and more challenging than - it was when kids were younger. This is not necessarily a reflection on you, nor is it an indication that you are doing something wrong. Teens are interested in establishing their independence…and the more they rely on you the more this works against their quest for independence. [I could go on a lot more about this, but it’s addressed in many other articles here and in my book.] Teens would often rather confide in their friends than their parents. When they hold their information, feelings, experiences and thoughts as private, and separate from their family they feel more powerful, more in control, more independent. You can see that this is more about them than it is about you. So don’t take their lack of communication as a personal failure on your part. What you need to do is learn to work within this new framework.

The question becomes “How do you provide the guidance and support teens need if and when they don’t want to be in dialogue with you?” Answer: parents need to develop new skills. And they really aren’t that hard to learn. We’ve already covered several of them in the previous articles in this series, now let’s review indirect communication.

You’ll see I’ve listed several indirect methods below. First, let me tell you why indirect methods work: 1.) you get to slip in your information despite your teen’s reluctance to communicate; 2.) in indirect communication your teen is more apt to listen - and even discuss - because they aren’t feeling put on the spot; 3.) these indirect tactics require you to plan your interaction in advance and be more thoughtful about it; 4.) indirect approaches like these may give your teen the opportunity to consider his/her response more carefully.

Here are some indirect tactics to use:

Have you ever noticed that a dog will turn away from too much direct eye contact? Kids are the same way; they don’t like to feel scrutinized, and too much direct communication makes them extremely uncomfortable. Get good at some indirect methods and you’ll find you can cover the ground you need to cover as you guide, teach, and listen to your growing teenager.

This week’s assignment: Pick one or two of the strategies above and try it out. Be conscious and thoughtful about planning your message and getting it across through an indirect strategy. Note how it works. Choose another strategy to use next week, and consider bringing all of these strategies into your repertoire over the next few weeks. And - please let me know how you’re doing!

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