This is week 4 of my Communications Course for parents of teenagers. Each week in this course I’ve been focusing on a different aspect of communication with teenagers. I encourge you to begin at week 1 (scroll down until you come to the first article in this series) and try these action steps one week at a time as they build on one another.
Step 4: Get comfortable with indirect communication techniques
Have you ever gotten the feeling that your teenager doesn’t want to talk to you? That he or she isn’t listening to you? (Could I guess the answer to those questions..?!) This can be a real sticking place for parents because you know that there are certain things that need to be communicated, yet you wonder how on earth that can happen when there is precious little communication taking place between you and your teen. There is an answer: use indirect communication techniques.
First, let me say, if the situation described above feels familiar to you, know that you are in the good company of literally millions of other parents. Communication between parents and teens is different than - and more challenging than - it was when kids were younger. This is not necessarily a reflection on you, nor is it an indication that you are doing something wrong. Teens are interested in establishing their independence…and the more they rely on you the more this works against their quest for independence. [I could go on a lot more about this, but it’s addressed in many other articles here and in my book.] Teens would often rather confide in their friends than their parents. When they hold their information, feelings, experiences and thoughts as private, and separate from their family they feel more powerful, more in control, more independent. You can see that this is more about them than it is about you. So don’t take their lack of communication as a personal failure on your part. What you need to do is learn to work within this new framework.
The question becomes “How do you provide the guidance and support teens need if and when they don’t want to be in dialogue with you?” Answer: parents need to develop new skills. And they really aren’t that hard to learn. We’ve already covered several of them in the previous articles in this series, now let’s review indirect communication.
You’ll see I’ve listed several indirect methods below. First, let me tell you why indirect methods work: 1.) you get to slip in your information despite your teen’s reluctance to communicate; 2.) in indirect communication your teen is more apt to listen - and even discuss - because they aren’t feeling put on the spot; 3.) these indirect tactics require you to plan your interaction in advance and be more thoughtful about it; 4.) indirect approaches like these may give your teen the opportunity to consider his/her response more carefully.
Here are some indirect tactics to use:
talk in the car: this age-old technique is one that parents of young teens learn to rely on. You are likely to be spending a good amount of time in your car with your teen, and this provides an opportunity for you to speak without having to look into his/her eyes - which can help them feel more comfortable, particularly if sensitive ground is being covered. The fact that you’re looking at things outside of the car as you drive can help to minimize what might be strong emotions, making it easier to speak. And it will diminish your child’s lack of comfort because s/he doesn’t need to squirm under your direct eye contact. And, you’ve no-doubt discovered the car can provide great opportunities to listen to and participate in conversations with your teen’s friends… a great way to gather more information on what is really going on in her life. [recommendations: don’t over-do it… Be careful about this tactic… you don’t want your teen to think every time they get into the car it’s going to mean one of those heavy conversations!]
Use stories: Telling real-life stories can be extremely effective, and get you much further than lecturing to make the same point. Kids are smart; they will pick up the lessons to be learned from your stories, plus there’s a benefit to letting them hear about your mistakes (and others’) and the lessons that you’ve learned the hard way. Tell them stories they can relate to that will illustrate the values and lessons you want to teach. This technique will also share the important lesson that mistakes are usually opportunities to learn - and one can usually survive their mistakes.
write a letter: This is a favorite strategy of mine…I guess you can tell I’m pretty comfortable with the written word. I observed there were times my teens were very unwilling to listen to me speak, so I learned to use letters as a means of effective communication. This had one big advantage: it allowed me to vent when necessary, then reread what I wrote, and rewrite it when I was in a better frame of mind if I wasn’t communicating what I wanted to say in the tone I wanted to say it. This was far more effective than taking the risk of a poor choice of words in the heat of the moment. It also gave my kids the opportunity to read my words when their mood was right, and to reread the letter later. [recommendation: if you write “heavy” letters, also try and write some lighthearted ones, too. Send some love notes and little fun ones…]
write an e-mail or instant message: if your teen is accumstomed to this communication medium, you may find him/her more receptive to receiving your communication in this manner. You are also more likely to receive a response thru this same medium.
use a special notebook just for you two: I’ve had several moms share this technique and say that it provided an opportunity to be open and confidential at the same time. The idea is one of you will write on a page in a special notebook and the other will respond in the same place. Often the notebook is passed without comment or recognition, and a private communication channel is developed. This creates a place where private and important communication can take place, indirectly.
Have you ever noticed that a dog will turn away from too much direct eye contact? Kids are the same way; they don’t like to feel scrutinized, and too much direct communication makes them extremely uncomfortable. Get good at some indirect methods and you’ll find you can cover the ground you need to cover as you guide, teach, and listen to your growing teenager.
This week’s assignment: Pick one or two of the strategies above and try it out. Be conscious and thoughtful about planning your message and getting it across through an indirect strategy. Note how it works. Choose another strategy to use next week, and consider bringing all of these strategies into your repertoire over the next few weeks. And - please let me know how you’re doing!
