July 20th, 2007 by Sue Blaney
This is week 3 of my Communications Course for parents of teenagers. Each week in this 4 week course I’ve been focusing on a different aspect of communication with teenagers. I encourge you to begin at week 1 (scroll down until you come to the first article in this series) and try these action steps one week at a time as they build on one another.
Step 3: Tune into Filters, Tone and Timing
What does the communication environment look like at your house? Is the television always on? Is life so hectic you don’t even have occasional family dinners? Are you so busy running between car pools, work and other committments that you don’t have time to connect with your teen? When you are home is your brain occupied with problems from work? Are you tied to your cell phone?
Adults need to do some self-examination and tune into the filters that are working against successful communication, as well as consider the tone and timing of communication.
Noise distractions: What is happening that is preventing you from listening to, and speaking with your teenager? What distractions are present? You may be surprised at all the noise that you are competing with, once you notice it. Distractions work against your ability to communicate with your teen, and they can make people feel minimized in importance. If the television is on, turn it off. Create some time periods in your home when there are no distractions from the outside world…a cellphone, i-pod, blackberry, electronic-gadget-free time zone. (Doesn’t that sound like heaven?) As you eliminate the background noise you are likely to see people relax and tune into one another.
Your mood: You project your mood, whether you intend to or not. If you project negativity, that’s what you’ll get back from your teen. If you are in a good mood and project a pleasant attitude you are sending out subtle cues that make pleasant conversation much more likely to occur. Before you begin a dialogue with your teenager do a self-check, and make sure that you are coming from a positive place …and watch your pleasant conversation unfold.
Your expectations:Your expectations often create a self-fulfilling prophesy. Are you expecting great things from your teen, or are you expecting to be disappointed? As in the mood we project, we also project our expectations and usually find what we expect. In what way do you expect your teen to be outstanding? Put your expectation for greatness out there and watch her fulfill it.
Tone: Even if they don’t look like they are listening, teenagers are tuned in to the underlying tones and moods in the home…and many important messages are communicated via tone of voice and body language. In fact, many studies indicate that more is communicated by tone and body language than by words! You can’t effectively improve communication without being thoughtful about your tone of voice.
Timing: Do like it when you are greeted as you come in the door with a problem or a criticism? Probably not. Teens often complain that they feel they are nagged at continually. While you may have reason to repeat yourself, it can be more effective to choose to speak at a time when the atmosphere is calm and you have your teen’s attention. Being respectful of appropriate timing can go a long way to improving communication.
Your assignment for this week is to notice the distractions through which you filter the communication that takes place in your home. Name these distractions; pick the two that have the most impact on your ability to listen to your teen and take action to eliminate or minimize them while you are in your teen’s presence. Create an atmosphere where connection and communication can take place. But don’t address anything sensitive…speak of something fun and light-hearted. Do something funny or surprising. Make this happen every day for this week so you have the opportunity to get used to it and your teen has the chance to trust it.
Have fun, tune in to filters, tone and timing, and see if communication opens up for you.
Enjoy!
This entry was posted on Friday, July 20th, 2007 at 11:40 am
and is filed under Tips and Tools, Communication.
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