Communicating with Teenagers: Communications Course Step 2 - The Single Most Important Part of Communication
July 11th, 2007 by Sue Blaney
This is week 2 of my Communication Course for parents of teenagers. I hope you’re doing this with me over the course of 4 weeks. Each week we are putting particular skills into action; each builds on the previous week, and I am guiding you toward a new and better communication environment with your teenager.
STEP 2: Listen!
Ah, yes, I know that sounds simplistic. But, believe it or not, most of us can dramatically improve our ability to listen….all too often parents don’t listen to their kids much at all!
Think about it: How often do you feel really listened-to? The kind of listening where somebody is hearing not just your words, but the emotions and intentions that underlie those words is pretty rare. In our “hurry-up because I’m busy” culture we’re often crafting our reply before we’ve even heard the whole question! That kind of “listening” isn’t true listening at all, and when parents do it to their teenagers it actually does harm to the relationship. Whether you mean to or not, you’re giving a message that your teen isn’t very important when you don’t put the effort in to really listening.
I understand parents who say “But wait! You tell me I need to teach my child about …. [fill in the blank!]” And yes, you do! This is where a new communication skill is involved for parents, because the most effective kind of teaching when working with teens, isn’t by getting on your pedastal and preaching, it is through give and take. It’s a softer approach that includes hearing their point of view, validating it, and recognizing that their point of view matters.
Good teachers in school use the socratic method, don’t they? This is teaching by asking questions. Parents who are good listeners get in the habit of using open ended questions which move a dialogue forward. When parents are truly listening to what their teen has to say, a quality dialogue has the chance to take place. Trust is built. Relationships are strengthened. This is when teaching and learning occurs…not in pedantic lecturing. So you CAN teach what is important to teach, AND you can do it gently, while listening to your teen’s point of view, and giving her respect for that view (even if you don’t agree with it.)
Recommendations to enhance listening:
Here is your assignment for week 2 of our Communications Course:
Listen to your teen. Tune in with your heart and all your attention. Stop what you’re doing and let him speak. Relax with this. Don’t make him feel like this is an interrogation, and if you can, keep the dialogue going by using open-ended questions.
That’s all! See what happens…and I’ll be interested to hear from you.
Good luck and ENJOY!
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July 19th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
I would love to do this, but what do you do about a teen that won’t communicate. My daughter shuts down, says nothing, stares off into space and just shrugs her shoulders in response to questions or conversations about anything that migh be uncomfortable. This has been a major problem with homework issues and grades, boys, secrecy on the computer and phone. I’s almost rather she screamed and told me ” I hate you!” than this passive agressive behavior.
July 22nd, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Let me say I understand your frustration. I hear many parents saying “How can I improve my relationship when s/he won’t speak to me??!!” Many parents express this at one time or another, so some of this may fall under “normal behavior.” However, what you describe could be an indication of deeper problems, and one of the challenges parents of teens face is that we need to figure out what is going on beneath the surface of this uncommunicative behavior. I’m sure you certainly want to help her if something is wrong – right?
First: You mention in your note that this is in response to “anything that might be uncomfortable.” Can you communicate about topics that aren’t uncomfortable? Will she talk to you about dinner? Plans? Simple things? Consider going back to step one of the communications course to try and lighten things up from your end. You may be able to reach her through humor and putting “money” in her emotional bank account. This is where relationships can be built up.
Second: parents need to tune in carefully to their teens, and take their own feelings out of the equation. If you are expressing hurt or anger you might unintentionally be making the communication worse. Consider this: Might something be wrong with your daughter? Perhaps there is something wrong and she needs someone to talk to about it. That someone won’t always be Mom or Dad…could be a relative, friend, or a professional. Know that teenagers DO want to talk [eventually], and it might be helpful to facilitate an opportunity for your daughter to spend some time with a trusted relative or friend with whom she might open up a bit more. You need more information to assess her state, and it’s important that you do the best job you can on this.
Click on the left column on the article category called “Stress and Temperament” and you’ll find an article on Depression which you should read as it offers some info that can be helpful to you. Also, Professionals suggest that if problematic behavior goes on for more than several weeks it needs exploration. You should consider having her speak to a professional, too.
Hope that helps. Listen, tune in carefully, and make sure you are part of the solution, not part of the problem.