Comments on: Communicating with Teenagers: Communications Course Step 2 - The Single Most Important Part of Communication http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/11/communications-course-step-2-the-single-most-important-part-of-communication/ Tips and Tools for Successfully Parenting your Teen Tue, 06 Jan 2009 13:48:28 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.1.3 By: Yvett Owings http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/11/communications-course-step-2-the-single-most-important-part-of-communication/#comment-323 Yvett Owings Thu, 19 Jul 2007 19:28:54 +0000 http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/11/communications-course-step-2-the-single-most-important-part-of-communication/#comment-323 I would love to do this, but what do you do about a teen that won't communicate. My daughter shuts down, says nothing, stares off into space and just shrugs her shoulders in response to questions or conversations about anything that migh be uncomfortable. This has been a major problem with homework issues and grades, boys, secrecy on the computer and phone. I's almost rather she screamed and told me " I hate you!" than this passive agressive behavior. I would love to do this, but what do you do about a teen that won’t communicate. My daughter shuts down, says nothing, stares off into space and just shrugs her shoulders in response to questions or conversations about anything that migh be uncomfortable. This has been a major problem with homework issues and grades, boys, secrecy on the computer and phone. I’s almost rather she screamed and told me ” I hate you!” than this passive agressive behavior.

]]> By: Sue Blaney http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/11/communications-course-step-2-the-single-most-important-part-of-communication/#comment-327 Sue Blaney Sun, 22 Jul 2007 13:07:56 +0000 http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/11/communications-course-step-2-the-single-most-important-part-of-communication/#comment-327 Let me say I understand your frustration. I hear many parents saying “How can I improve my relationship when s/he won’t speak to me??!!” Many parents express this at one time or another, so some of this may fall under “normal behavior.” However, what you describe could be an indication of deeper problems, and one of the challenges parents of teens face is that we need to figure out what is going on beneath the surface of this uncommunicative behavior. I’m sure you certainly want to help her if something is wrong – right? First: You mention in your note that this is in response to “anything that might be uncomfortable.” Can you communicate about topics that aren’t uncomfortable? Will she talk to you about dinner? Plans? Simple things? Consider going back to step one of the communications course to try and lighten things up from your end. You may be able to reach her through humor and putting “money” in her emotional bank account. This is where relationships can be built up. Second: parents need to tune in carefully to their teens, and take their own feelings out of the equation. If you are expressing hurt or anger you might unintentionally be making the communication worse. Consider this: Might something be wrong with your daughter? Perhaps there is something wrong and she needs someone to talk to about it. That someone won’t always be Mom or Dad…could be a relative, friend, or a professional. Know that teenagers DO want to talk [eventually], and it might be helpful to facilitate an opportunity for your daughter to spend some time with a trusted relative or friend with whom she might open up a bit more. You need more information to assess her state, and it’s important that you do the best job you can on this. Click on the left column on the article category called "Stress and Temperament" and you'll find an article on Depression which you should read as it offers some info that can be helpful to you. Also, Professionals suggest that if problematic behavior goes on for more than several weeks it needs exploration. You should consider having her speak to a professional, too. Hope that helps. Listen, tune in carefully, and make sure you are part of the solution, not part of the problem. Let me say I understand your frustration. I hear many parents saying “How can I improve my relationship when s/he won’t speak to me??!!” Many parents express this at one time or another, so some of this may fall under “normal behavior.” However, what you describe could be an indication of deeper problems, and one of the challenges parents of teens face is that we need to figure out what is going on beneath the surface of this uncommunicative behavior. I’m sure you certainly want to help her if something is wrong – right?

First: You mention in your note that this is in response to “anything that might be uncomfortable.” Can you communicate about topics that aren’t uncomfortable? Will she talk to you about dinner? Plans? Simple things? Consider going back to step one of the communications course to try and lighten things up from your end. You may be able to reach her through humor and putting “money” in her emotional bank account. This is where relationships can be built up.

Second: parents need to tune in carefully to their teens, and take their own feelings out of the equation. If you are expressing hurt or anger you might unintentionally be making the communication worse. Consider this: Might something be wrong with your daughter? Perhaps there is something wrong and she needs someone to talk to about it. That someone won’t always be Mom or Dad…could be a relative, friend, or a professional. Know that teenagers DO want to talk [eventually], and it might be helpful to facilitate an opportunity for your daughter to spend some time with a trusted relative or friend with whom she might open up a bit more. You need more information to assess her state, and it’s important that you do the best job you can on this.

Click on the left column on the article category called “Stress and Temperament” and you’ll find an article on Depression which you should read as it offers some info that can be helpful to you. Also, Professionals suggest that if problematic behavior goes on for more than several weeks it needs exploration. You should consider having her speak to a professional, too.

Hope that helps. Listen, tune in carefully, and make sure you are part of the solution, not part of the problem.

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