Communicating with Teenagers: a hands-on course for parents
July 5th, 2007 by Sue Blaney
If you are currently raising teens I don’t need to tell you that communication changes during the teen years. Parents usually learn this the hard way, while trying to figure out what happened to their previously charming, open-minded and loving son or daughter. Parents tell me that communicating with teenagers is one of the biggest challenges you face…so this is an important time to learn some new skills.
Smart parents take on the responsibility for changing their communication style and habits, rather than putting the full expectation on teenagers to keep the lines of communication open. Teens have a lot on their plates, and our adult maturity will be put to good use at times when we practice new ways of communicating. This will take some work on your part, and I’m going to guide you through it.
Over the next 4 weeks I’m going to offer a course, right here on my blog, that will guide you to learn some new skills that will enhance your ability to keep open communication between you and your teenager. I’ll explain the rationale behind these changes, and give you some exercises and strategies to try. Have fun with this …and keep me posted about what you observe and learn as you join me in this series.
STEP 1: Focus on “Connection” rather than “Communication.”
“Connection” is a prerequisite for communication. When people are connected it means, at a minimum, they are sharing time and space. Connecting with teens simply requires your attention and time.
Particularly now, when we are enjoying the summer season, we shouldn’t be challenged to find many great opportunities to connect with our teens. Go out for ice cream; play a game of tennis; go to the beach or on a bike-ride; try out a new recipe together…your first assignment is to create some fun together. That’s all you have to do; the rest should unfold naturally.
Stephen Covey promotes a concept that he calls the “emotional bank account” which provides a useful guide for parents. The idea is that any interaction with our child provides us with an opportunity to add to the emotional bank account, or withdraw from it. We add to this account through positive and supportive behavior and interactions, and we withdraw from it by being unkind, unthoughtful or insensitive. We need money in the bank to cover us when withdrawals are necessary or happen by mistake. Necessary withdrawals can take place when unpopular discipline or corrections are required. So, on a regular basis, we want to be adding to this account in every way that we can. Having fun together - “connecting” - is one of your best ways to add to the emotional bank account.
Kids have a sixth sense where they can pick up insincerity in about a nano-second, so be careful how you approach this step. Have no agenda, other than to have fun together. Relax with this. Tune in to their feelings, be thoughtful to do things they love to do, and, for this week’s assignment DON’T use this time to address a sensitive topic or start a big discussion. Just relax and have fun together.
So here is your assignment for week one of our Communications Course:
Connect with your teenager:
I’d love to hear your comments about this assignment! And be sure to check back here next week for Step Two and your next assignment.
This entry was posted on Thursday, July 5th, 2007 at 5:52 pm and is filed under Tips and Tools, Communication. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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July 8th, 2007 at 12:36 am
I am working on filling the bank! Where will I find the week 2nd through fifth week assignments?
July 8th, 2007 at 12:37 am
I am working on filling the bank! Where will I find the week 2nd through fifth week assignments?
July 9th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
I love your enthusiasm, Reva! Week 2 will be posted this week…sounds like you are doing this program real time, so you’ll be working the assignments as I publish them. Great! :> Let us know how it goes - OK?
July 10th, 2007 at 12:14 am
Having trouble establishing that time together, since my teen is already so poor at communication. He has nothing to say, unless it’s to ask for a ride or borrow money. How do I get past this? Naturally, I resent it and it puts me in a negative place. I don’t even want to spend time with someone who is always taking without giving back.
July 11th, 2007 at 11:53 am
Heidi, I’m glad you shared this comment because this is where the rubber meets the road! First, let me validate your feelings - it is natural and understandable that you feel a bit angry and put-off by your son’s attitude and behavior. I’ve been there many times, and completely understand your response. But, he’s a moody teenager… right? This is where you need to take the high road. So many times I had to remind myself that I have to act like an adult (not like a moody teenager) and that adult behavior is really hard at times.
So, take a break, do something for yourself, get yourself in a good mood, and then try again to reach him. Try to reach him on his terms, try doing something that he will consider fun. Stay up later than usual on the chance that he’ll be in a pleasant mood. Cook him his favorite meal. Tell him you want to set aside a day this week to do something fun with him - and ask him what he’d like to do. You probably will need to take the lead on this. Try to stay agenda-free to build up that bank account. He’ll sniff out resentment in a nano-second, so make sure you are managing your mood before you address him.
Yes, parenting teens requires unselfish behavior on our part, and when he’s really getting to you or hurting your feelings that’s a great time for you to connect with a friend. You’ll be better able to work on your relationship with your son when you have a place to vent on your own…it’s better to not let him see that he’s getting to you.
I have a couple of reading recommendations:
First, read the article I posted Tuesday about What Kids REALLY Want to Ask. It has a great idea about using movies to initiate discussion. Also, my book (Please Stop the Rollercoaster!) has a whole chapter on adolescent development that reads like a “Cliff Notes.” The MORE you understand what his development process is like, the better equipped you are to be more understanding and not take his behavior personally. And Anthony Wolf’s classic “Get Out of My Life…but first take me and Cheryl to the Mall” does a great job of covering this in detail.
Hope that helps. Keep up the good work - things really do get better!