Comments on: Communicating with Teenagers: a hands-on course for parents http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/05/change-your-communication-style-a-hands-on-course-for-parents/ Tips and Tools for Successfully Parenting your Teen Tue, 06 Jan 2009 06:17:35 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.1.3 By: reva http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/05/change-your-communication-style-a-hands-on-course-for-parents/#comment-276 reva Sun, 08 Jul 2007 00:36:45 +0000 http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/05/change-your-communication-style-a-hands-on-course-for-parents/#comment-276 I am working on filling the bank! Where will I find the week 2nd through fifth week assignments? I am working on filling the bank! Where will I find the week 2nd through fifth week assignments?

]]> By: reva http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/05/change-your-communication-style-a-hands-on-course-for-parents/#comment-277 reva Sun, 08 Jul 2007 00:37:44 +0000 http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/05/change-your-communication-style-a-hands-on-course-for-parents/#comment-277 I am working on filling the bank! Where will I find the week 2nd through fifth week assignments? I am working on filling the bank! Where will I find the week 2nd through fifth week assignments?

]]> By: Sue Blaney http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/05/change-your-communication-style-a-hands-on-course-for-parents/#comment-297 Sue Blaney Mon, 09 Jul 2007 21:57:31 +0000 http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/05/change-your-communication-style-a-hands-on-course-for-parents/#comment-297 I love your enthusiasm, Reva! Week 2 will be posted this week...sounds like you are doing this program real time, so you'll be working the assignments as I publish them. Great! :> Let us know how it goes - OK? I love your enthusiasm, Reva! Week 2 will be posted this week…sounds like you are doing this program real time, so you’ll be working the assignments as I publish them. Great! :> Let us know how it goes - OK?

]]> By: Heidi http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/05/change-your-communication-style-a-hands-on-course-for-parents/#comment-298 Heidi Tue, 10 Jul 2007 00:14:29 +0000 http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/05/change-your-communication-style-a-hands-on-course-for-parents/#comment-298 Having trouble establishing that time together, since my teen is already so poor at communication. He has nothing to say, unless it's to ask for a ride or borrow money. How do I get past this? Naturally, I resent it and it puts me in a negative place. I don't even want to spend time with someone who is always taking without giving back. Having trouble establishing that time together, since my teen is already so poor at communication. He has nothing to say, unless it’s to ask for a ride or borrow money. How do I get past this? Naturally, I resent it and it puts me in a negative place. I don’t even want to spend time with someone who is always taking without giving back.

]]> By: Sue Blaney http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/05/change-your-communication-style-a-hands-on-course-for-parents/#comment-303 Sue Blaney Wed, 11 Jul 2007 11:53:15 +0000 http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/07/05/change-your-communication-style-a-hands-on-course-for-parents/#comment-303 Heidi, I'm glad you shared this comment because this is where the rubber meets the road! First, let me validate your feelings - it is natural and understandable that you feel a bit angry and put-off by your son's attitude and behavior. I've been there many times, and completely understand your response. But, he's a moody teenager... right? This is where you need to take the high road. So many times I had to remind myself that I have to act like an adult (not like a moody teenager) and that adult behavior is really hard at times. So, take a break, do something for yourself, get yourself in a good mood, and then try again to reach him. Try to reach him on his terms, try doing something that he will consider fun. Stay up later than usual on the chance that he'll be in a pleasant mood. Cook him his favorite meal. Tell him you want to set aside a day this week to do something fun with him - and ask him what he'd like to do. You probably will need to take the lead on this. Try to stay agenda-free to build up that bank account. He'll sniff out resentment in a nano-second, so make sure you are managing your mood before you address him. Yes, parenting teens requires unselfish behavior on our part, and when he's really getting to you or hurting your feelings that's a great time for you to connect with a friend. You'll be better able to work on your relationship with your son when you have a place to vent on your own...it's better to not let him see that he's getting to you. I have a couple of reading recommendations: First, read the article I posted Tuesday about What Kids REALLY Want to Ask. It has a great idea about using movies to initiate discussion. Also, my book (Please Stop the Rollercoaster!) has a whole chapter on adolescent development that reads like a "Cliff Notes." The MORE you understand what his development process is like, the better equipped you are to be more understanding and not take his behavior personally. And Anthony Wolf's classic "Get Out of My Life...but first take me and Cheryl to the Mall" does a great job of covering this in detail. Hope that helps. Keep up the good work - things really do get better! Heidi, I’m glad you shared this comment because this is where the rubber meets the road! First, let me validate your feelings - it is natural and understandable that you feel a bit angry and put-off by your son’s attitude and behavior. I’ve been there many times, and completely understand your response. But, he’s a moody teenager… right? This is where you need to take the high road. So many times I had to remind myself that I have to act like an adult (not like a moody teenager) and that adult behavior is really hard at times.

So, take a break, do something for yourself, get yourself in a good mood, and then try again to reach him. Try to reach him on his terms, try doing something that he will consider fun. Stay up later than usual on the chance that he’ll be in a pleasant mood. Cook him his favorite meal. Tell him you want to set aside a day this week to do something fun with him - and ask him what he’d like to do. You probably will need to take the lead on this. Try to stay agenda-free to build up that bank account. He’ll sniff out resentment in a nano-second, so make sure you are managing your mood before you address him.

Yes, parenting teens requires unselfish behavior on our part, and when he’s really getting to you or hurting your feelings that’s a great time for you to connect with a friend. You’ll be better able to work on your relationship with your son when you have a place to vent on your own…it’s better to not let him see that he’s getting to you.

I have a couple of reading recommendations:
First, read the article I posted Tuesday about What Kids REALLY Want to Ask. It has a great idea about using movies to initiate discussion. Also, my book (Please Stop the Rollercoaster!) has a whole chapter on adolescent development that reads like a “Cliff Notes.” The MORE you understand what his development process is like, the better equipped you are to be more understanding and not take his behavior personally. And Anthony Wolf’s classic “Get Out of My Life…but first take me and Cheryl to the Mall” does a great job of covering this in detail.

Hope that helps. Keep up the good work - things really do get better!

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