This is week 3 of my Communications Course for parents of teenagers. Each week in this 4 week course I’ve been focusing on a different aspect of communication with teenagers. I encourge you to begin at week 1 (scroll down until you come to the first article in this series) and try these action steps one week at a time as they build on one another.

Step 3: Tune into Filters, Tone and Timing

What does the communication environment look like at your house? Is the television always on? Is life so hectic you don’t even have occasional family dinners? Are you so busy running between car pools, work and other committments that you don’t have time to connect with your teen? When you are home is your brain occupied with problems from work? Are you tied to your cell phone?

Adults need to do some self-examination and tune into the filters that are working against successful communication, as well as consider the tone and timing of communication.

Your assignment for this week is to notice the distractions through which you filter the communication that takes place in your home. Name these distractions; pick the two that have the most impact on your ability to listen to your teen and take action to eliminate or minimize them while you are in your teen’s presence. Create an atmosphere where connection and communication can take place. But don’t address anything sensitive…speak of something fun and light-hearted. Do something funny or surprising. Make this happen every day for this week so you have the opportunity to get used to it and your teen has the chance to trust it.

Have fun, tune in to filters, tone and timing, and see if communication opens up for you.

Enjoy!

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This is week 2 of my Communication Course for parents of teenagers. I hope you’re doing this with me over the course of 4 weeks. Each week we are putting particular skills into action; each builds on the previous week, and I am guiding you toward a new and better communication environment with your teenager.

STEP 2: Listen!

Ah, yes, I know that sounds simplistic. But, believe it or not, most of us can dramatically improve our ability to listen….all too often parents don’t listen to their kids much at all!

Think about it: How often do you feel really listened-to? The kind of listening where somebody is hearing not just your words, but the emotions and intentions that underlie those words is pretty rare. In our “hurry-up because I’m busy” culture we’re often crafting our reply before we’ve even heard the whole question! That kind of “listening” isn’t true listening at all, and when parents do it to their teenagers it actually does harm to the relationship. Whether you mean to or not, you’re giving a message that your teen isn’t very important when you don’t put the effort in to really listening.

I understand parents who say “But wait! You tell me I need to teach my child about …. [fill in the blank!]” And yes, you do! This is where a new communication skill is involved for parents, because the most effective kind of teaching when working with teens, isn’t by getting on your pedastal and preaching, it is through give and take. It’s a softer approach that includes hearing their point of view, validating it, and recognizing that their point of view matters.

Good teachers in school use the socratic method, don’t they? This is teaching by asking questions. Parents who are good listeners get in the habit of using open ended questions which move a dialogue forward. When parents are truly listening to what their teen has to say, a quality dialogue has the chance to take place. Trust is built. Relationships are strengthened. This is when teaching and learning occurs…not in pedantic lecturing. So you CAN teach what is important to teach, AND you can do it gently, while listening to your teen’s point of view, and giving her respect for that view (even if you don’t agree with it.)

Recommendations to enhance listening:

Read my article from yesterday about using movies as a conversation initiator…this could be a great way to practice this “Listening” skill.

Here is your assignment for week 2 of our Communications Course:
Listen to your teen. Tune in with your heart and all your attention. Stop what you’re doing and let him speak. Relax with this. Don’t make him feel like this is an interrogation, and if you can, keep the dialogue going by using open-ended questions.

That’s all! See what happens…and I’ll be interested to hear from you.
Good luck and ENJOY!

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Think those uncommunicative teens really don’t want to talk to you? Actually, they may have some poignent and surprising questions on their minds. Here’s a peek into the questions on the minds of young teens, along with a neat guide you can use to initiate conversations with your child.

What Kids REALLY Want to Ask: Using Movies to Start Meaningful Conversations is a guidebook for parents and children ages 10 - 14. Written by Rhonda A. Richardson, Ph.D., and A. Margaret Pevec, MA, this unique book was created with three objectives in mind:

• To help parents initiate more meaningful conversations with their children during the middle school years,
• To help parents nurture the bond and cement it in place “prior to the years when hanging out with parents is the last thing a kid wants to do,”
• To provide a framework and activities to help initiate meaningful conversations.

…and MOVIES are the framework for these conversations! Movies can be great conversation-starters, and this guide will direct you to specific movies and topics to discuss based on themes that are derived from kids’ own questions. Very cool!

This unique book began with a research study where the authors polled 1,124 middle-school students with the following question:
“If you could ask your mom or dad one question and know you would get an honest answer, what question would you ask?” The authors received responses from 520 boys and 604 girls between the ages of 11 and 13 from a range of communities. From this data, they identified the twelve broad categories, or themes, into which the responses fell.

The book is organized by these themes, and the authors suggest a particular movie or two that will be appropriate for young teens and provide rich fodder for discussions about the theme. The themes are divided into those that reflect the family (”This Clan is Our Clan,” “Parents are People, Too,” “Love Me Tender,” “Roots and Wings,” etc.) and the larger world of friendships, school, work etc.

Here’s a wonderful way to use this book, and a TERRIFIC idea for an activity: start a regular movie night with your teenager. You could even do this with a group of parents and teens, which could make it even more fun. Consider asking the teenagers to view the questions that are associated with the movie you are about to view to get them thinking about the questions they might want to ask parents. If you do this in a group setting you could make a game out of the discussions by having the kids throw dice to determine who asks the first question.

The questions that the survey respondents asked are poignent and important for parents to hear. The authors provide an extensive selection of the answers to their research question, and reading this alone gives you insight into young teens’ thoughts. I’ll share a few of the teens’ questions here:

You can see these kids are going right to the heart of the matter with their questions.

I interviewed one of the authors to gain further insight into this unique tool for parents and young teens.

Sue Blaney: Why did you and Dr. Richardson write this book?

Margaret Pevec, MA: It actually began with the research. We wanted to give parents some guidance about what kids really want to ask them. We gave the kids the power to ask questions of parents and were surprised by the topics on the forefront of kids’ minds.

SB: What do you hope will be the result of this book offering?
MP: We are both eager to help parents and kids connect before the kids get to the age when they really don’t want to talk much with parents. We’re hoping to help parents foster a relationship and develop an atmosphere where kids can ask them any question at all, and we hope that they will maintain this open communication even through the hard years.

SB: What is the most significant thing you learned about teenagers as a result of your research?
MP: We thought it was very significant that they were so willing to open up and ask about deep and important questions. Many people feel that teenagers don’t want to talk to their parents, but we found this not to be the case. The difference here is that we gave kids the power to choose the topic and the questions…and we let our book flow from that. Usually it’s adults choosing topics for kids, and that isn’t necessarily going to be an accurate representation of what kids think is important. Our book is not a book about movies…it’s a book about communication between parents and young teens. The movies are the vehicle.

You can learn more about Margaret Pevec and about What Kids REALLY Want to Ask is available at Amazon.

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If you are currently raising teens I don’t need to tell you that communication changes during the teen years. Parents usually learn this the hard way, while trying to figure out what happened to their previously charming, open-minded and loving son or daughter. Parents tell me that communicating with teenagers is one of the biggest challenges you face…so this is an important time to learn some new skills.

Over the next 4 weeks I’m going to offer a course, right here on my blog, that will guide you to learn some new skills that will enhance your ability to keep open communication between you and your teenager. I’ll explain the rationale behind these changes, and give you some exercises and strategies to try. Have fun with this …and keep me posted about what you observe and learn as you join me in this series.

STEP 1: Focus on “Connection” rather than “Communication.”

“Connection” is a prerequisite for communication. When people are connected it means, at a minimum, they are sharing time and space. Connecting with teens simply requires your attention and time.

Particularly now, when we are enjoying the summer season, we shouldn’t be challenged to find many great opportunities to connect with our teens. Go out for ice cream; play a game of tennis; go to the beach or on a bike-ride; try out a new recipe together…your first assignment is to create some fun together. That’s all you have to do; the rest should unfold naturally.

Stephen Covey promotes a concept that he calls the “emotional bank account” which provides a useful guide for parents. The idea is that any interaction with our child provides us with an opportunity to add to the emotional bank account, or withdraw from it. We add to this account through positive and supportive behavior and interactions, and we withdraw from it by being unkind, unthoughtful or insensitive. We need money in the bank to cover us when withdrawals are necessary or happen by mistake. Necessary withdrawals can take place when unpopular discipline or corrections are required. So, on a regular basis, we want to be adding to this account in every way that we can. Having fun together - “connecting” - is one of your best wa